G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."

She calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

Tony Blair replies, "It's me!"

So G. W. calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."

So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"
So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."
And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a Boy Scout were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four passengers!

Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must be spared," and he jumped out of the plane.

Then Reagan exclaimed, "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety.

Now if you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope looked kindly upon the Boy Scout and said, "I have had a long and productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands."

"That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."

At a doctor's convention in Switzerland, a conversation was taking place in a tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture. A Jewish doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we could take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we could take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone said, "Hah!! We can take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!"

PRESIDENTIAL COMPARISON

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

The President's biggest fear....
Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore

Complaints toward the President.....
Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
Clinton: Carpet-Burns

Their Vice-Presidents...
Nixon: His was Greek
Clinton: His is a Geek

Presidential qualities.....
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Things the President couldn't explain....
Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase

Presidential Nicknames....
Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Slick Willy

and finally, Presidential excuses....
Nixon: I am not a crook
Clinton: I didn't get in her nook

George W. Bush is out taking a stroll in the snow. He slips off an icy bridge, hits his head, and falls into an icy river. Three kids see it happen. They jump in and save him.

When he comes to, he says, "Boys, you saved a presidential candidate and a governor. You each deserve a reward. You name it, and You Got It!"

The first kid says, "I'd like to go to Disneyland."
George says, "I'll send you and your whole family for a week at Disneyland."
The second boy says, "I'd like a 4 wheeler so I can go out mud bogging out behind my house"

George says, "I'll get you the best Four Wheeler With all the safety features and I'll have someone teach you how to drive it safely."

The third kid says, "I'd like an electric twin-turbo wheelchair with a Hi-Fi stereo and Cruise Control."
George says, "I'll get you the Best ... Wait a second, you're not handicapped, you don't need a Wheelchair."
The kid says, "I will be when my father finds out who I saved from drowning."

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.

Gore calls up Bush and says, "Hey, let's settle this Australian Style."
Bush asks, "How's that?"

Gore says, "First you stand there, and I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can." Then it's your turn. Whoever quits first is the loser.

Bush says, "OK, " and while standing there, is completely knocked over by Gore.
After 10 minutes, Bush stands up, and groans, "Alright, my turn."
Gore then replies, "It's all right, you can be president."

George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were riding on an elephant. A group of bystanders were watching intently. All of a sudden someone in the crowd shouted, "Hey look that elephant has two assholes on it!"

Bush and Cheney looked down at the elephant's ass, confused.

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses.

Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

One time while sitting downstairs in a bar, there was a young fellow drinking mightily and getting really wasted. Besides being affected by drink, he was also getting really horny. When the bartender finally came over, he asked, "Do you know where I could get some companionship?"

"Sure, go upstairs and take a left. Try the first door."

So the guy goes upstairs takes a left and tries the first door. When he opens it, he sees a beautiful whore standing in the center of the room. So he says, "How much do you charge for a hand job?"

"Five hundred dollars." she answered.
"Damn," says the man, "you must really be good."

"Look out the window. See that Porsche? I bought that with all the money that I made from giving hand jobs."
So she gives him a hand job. And he says, "Damn, that really was good! How much for some good oral sex?"
"One thousand dollars." she answers.
"Lordy, but you must really be good."

"Look out the window. See that yacht? I bought that with all the money that I made from giving blow jobs." Taking his money, she gives him what he just bought.

"Gul-darn!" he exclaims, "you really are good! How much for a little pussy?"
"Ten thousand dollars."
"You must really be good."
"Well," began the whore, "you see that town out my window? (Pause) If I had a little pussy I would own it!

George and Harriet were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. George brushed her off rather rudely. Harriet objected, "George, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"A hundred and twenty-five dollars basic rate, and a hundred tips for special services."

George was taken aback. "A hundred twenty-five dollars! I was thinking more in the range of
Twenty-five dollars."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for twenty-five dollars?

This old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different. So the manager sent him up to room 69.

He got in there and this woman, named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.
Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "what the hell was that?"
She replied, "that is the cooling rain falling al over you." She got at it again and farted in his face.
He said, "What the hell was that?"
She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."
Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed. Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "Hell, a man can't f**k in this kind of weather!"

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."
When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"
"Seventy-five dollars," said the first.
The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of eighty-five dollars. The first two were proud of their prowess.
The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" asked the first two.
"Twenty dollars," replies the third.
The first two start laughing hysterically. "Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!

A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?"
She replied, "Last week."
The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?"
Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

A dedicated UPS union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80, and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

A young man walks into a whorehouse. Embarrassingly, he admits to the madam that he's a virgin without ANY experience. Kindly patting his hand, she says, "Now sugar don't you worry about a thing, I have just the darlin' for you!"

Taking him to an upstairs room, she instructs him to undress and wait on the bed. Moments later a scantily clad, beautiful redhead enters. "Honey, your every wish is my command, I'm gonna make some suggestions and you decide what you might like."

She tells him about the many things they can do, the missionary position, sixty-nine, anal sex.
"Heck, that sixty-nine one sounds pretty good," he replies.

They assume the position and commence. Unfortunately, the hooker's lunch of Mexican food is starting to repeat on her. Try as she might she can't help but to fart. The smell was quite bad and she snuck a peek at her client. Luckily, he didn't appear to notice and they continued. Minutes later, she farted again and this one smelled even worse. Again, the young man didn't seem fazed. Feeling a little apologetic, the hooker asked, "Honey, how are you liking this? Is everything OK.?"

"Oh yes maam", he replied, "It's GREAT, but I don't know if I can take sixty-seven more of those!"

There were three prostitutes living together: a mother, a daughter and a grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you do tonight, dear?" asked her mother.

"Not too good." replied the daughter, "I only got 20 dollars for a blow job"
"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day, we were glad to get 5 dollars for a blow job!"

"Good God!" said the Grandmother, "In my day, we were glad to just get something warm in our stomachs!"

A prostitute was arrested for soliciting herself to an undercover cop dressed like a basketball player, and had to appear in court. The judge said, "You look Indian. Do you have Indian in you?"

"Yes" said the prostitute.
"Navajo?" asked the judge.
The prostitute proceeded to say, "No, I'm just a Chicago ho."

One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up.

After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said, "Well Mike, how's it all going?"

"How's it all going?" he answered. "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, they want to ban me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse."

"Oh, that's so sad" the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than that HIV character, Magic Johnson!"

One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door shut. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.
"Kings Cross," answered the woman.
"You got it," he replied, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"
"Well madam," he answered, " I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare?"

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" as he looked her up and down seductively.

"Sure," he says and they are off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"

The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married.

They went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. While they were lying by the pool one morning, he got up off of his towel, climbed the ten- meter board, and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in the jack-knife position. When he straightened out, he cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I used to work both sides of the canal."

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?"

Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning each of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

A guy comes home after losing a lot of money, playing golf. A few minutes later his wife comes home from work with a new fur coat.

Her husband says, "Hey how did you get this?"

She says that her boss won the lotto and this is her share. This happens a few times, first the coat and then a car and then jewelry etc. One night the wife gets home really tired out and asks her husband to run her bath, which he then does. But only fills it up an inch.

She gets in and says to him, "Why did you put in so little water?"
"Well, we don't want your lotto ticket getting wet now do we?"

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there little boy!!"

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. She replies "Well...that is what size we imagine your penis to be...it is just a joke!"

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks All his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI THERE LADIES!"

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over five thousand cocks last year."

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down five hundred dollars and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't looking for great sex, I'm homesick."

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him.

She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon. He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered.

Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."
"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

Two fellows were sitting in a bar and the one was complaining about his current live-in girlfriend.

"I'm telling ya Sam, I've about had it with her. She keeps bringing her work home nite after nite. I'm seriously considering just moving out and ending the relationship."

"Well," replied his buddy, "I can see how that could indeed be very annoying, but having a girl who's interested in her career is hardly a reason to break up."

"It is if your girlfriend's a hooker." the first man replied.

An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada. The receptionist stared at him. "You gotta be in the wrong place,"she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"

"Ain't this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain't this where you got forty-five girls ready-n-able?"
The receptionist looked perplexed. "Ready for what?"
"I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get some action."
"How old are you, Pop?" she asked.
"Ninety-two," he replied.
"Ninety-two? Pop, you've HAD it!"
"Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.

"G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the hell is that?"
"It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes," explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.
"Will that cure me?"
"Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the
priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put
$1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."

Dave walks into a house of ill repute in Nevada and says, "I'll give $20,000 to any woman here who will
come into the desert with me and do it MY way."

One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the desert. After about an hour of hot sex she gets curious, and asks him,...."Just what is your way?"

"On credit."

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass."

Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car."

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