How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolized a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

What are the three biggest lies that a cowboy tells?
1. The pick-up is paid for.
2. I quit drinking.
3. I was only trying to help that sheep over the fence.

Peter Pan. Isn't that a washbasin in a whorehouse?
Did you hear Tony the tiger the one from the cornflake ads died. They say it was a cereal killer!!

Do you know what they call Catholics who use the rhythm method of birth control? Why parents of course!!

Redneck: Do you know the difference between an old whore and a young whore?
Answer: The young whore uses Vaseline and the old whore uses Polygrip.

How do you make five pounds of flesh look good? Put a nipple on it!

How can a girl tell if she has had fun on a date?
Answer: when she can go home and throw her panties up and they stick to the ceiling.

Why did President Nixon see "Deep Throat" ten times? He wanted to get it down pat.

A seventy-year-old hooker enters the bar and sits upon a barstool without a seat.... and slowly sinks to the floor!

You know why a man is like a snowstorm? You never know when its coming; you never know how many inches will be delivered; and you never know how long it'll stay.

How many Microsoft techs does it take to screw a light bulb in? None it's a hardware problem...
How do you make your husband scream during sex?........... Call him and tell him what you are doing.
What did the bathtub say to the toilet? I get as much ass as you do, but I don't have to put up with any shit.
How do you tell who is the head nurse? She is the one with the dirty knees!!

The LATEST PICKUP LINE this year… a guy dips his finger in his drink and dribbles it on the woman's sleeve...saying, "Lets go home and get you out of these wet clothes."

Guy: I finally figured out how to make my woman scream during sex.........as soon as I'm done I get up and wipe my penis on the drapes.

What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt? A pussy is warm soft and juicy... A cunt is what owns it.
Another definition of gross... biting into a hot dog and finding a vein!
Do you know why Frosty the Snowman has such a big smile on his face? He saw the snow blower coming!
What did one lesbian frog say to the other? "I'll be damned...we DO taste like chicken!"
What do you call a man with syphilis, herpes, AIDS, and gonorrhea? An incurable romantic.
What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute? A tricking know it all.
What do women and spaghetti have in common? They both squirm when you eat them.
What's 69 and 69? Dinner for four.
Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their peckers are on their faces.
What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper? Being fingered by Captain Hook.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano? Crabs on your organ.

If two lesbians and 2 gays are having a race, who will win?
The two lesbians. They will be doing 69 while the gays are still packing their to leave!

Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool?
She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw her go down for the third time.

How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.
Why have lepers got soft heads? So their friends can dip their chips in.

Did you hear about the Leper Card game?
One threw his hand in, one laughed his head off and one cried his eyes out.

What's the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'? About four inches.
When does a cub become a boy scout? When he eats his first Brownie.

What's the difference between Like and Love? Spit and Swallow.
How does a women hold her liquor? By the ears.

What's the difference between men and jelly beans? Jelly beans come in different colors.
What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common? The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!

Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps? So they don't whistle on the way down.
Why did caveman drag their women around by the hair?
Cause if they dragged them around by their ankles, they would fill up with dirt!!
Why do farts stink? So deaf people can enjoy them too!!
How can you tell a macho woman? She rolls her own tampons.

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs only one's coming and one's going.

What's the best part of a Blow Job? The 5 minutes of silence!

How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you?
There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary.

How do you recycle a used tampon? As a tea bag for vampires.
How do you get four poofs on a barstool? Turn it upside down.
What do elephants use as tampons? Sheep.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.

Did you hear about the poof who got fired from the Sperm Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.

Why did the Clintons send Chelsea to a private school?
Because in a public school, the Secret Service would have been outgunned.

What is the difference between a congressman and the Bluebird of happiness? You can't buy the Bluebird!

Did you hear about the poof who got arrested for stealing foreskins from the hospital operation room?
Yea, he was going downtown and selling them to other poofs as bubblegum.

How do you catch a polar bear? You cut a hole in the ice and open a can of peas. When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole.

What is the hardest thing about eating a vegetable? Getting them out of the bed and into the kitchen for cooking.

Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony? The one who can carry two large coffees and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony? The one who can eat the last two donuts.

How do you get 3 poofs off your couch? Jerk one off, and the other 2 come...
What's the latest pick up line at a gay bar? "May I push in your stool?"
What do you do in case of fallout? Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
What's better than a rose on your piano? Two lips on your organ.
What is the definition of pure agony ? Screwing a meat mincer!
What's a 68? You do me, and I'll owe you one!
Why does a dog lick his penis? Because he can't make a fist.
How do you teach a dog to fetch? Tie a cat to a stick.
How do you get an elephant out of a tree? Coax it onto a leaf and wait until autumn.

What is a Greek gentleman? A man who takes a girl out three times before propositioning her brother.
What has a big red nose, tremendous feet, and comes out of a test-tube? Bozo the clone.

Were can you buy panties made out of garbage bags and bras made out of beer cans? Fredricks of Poland.
How can you recognize Italian airlines? The planes have hair under their wings.

What do 7'tall basketball plays do in their off season? Go to the movies and sit in front of you.
What do you call a midget psychic who has just committed a crime? A small medium at large

How many station attendants does it take to grease your car? One if you hit them right.
What do you get when you cross a ground hog and a black? Six more weeks of basketball season.

How do you ruin Polish party? You flush the punchbowl.
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

What's the difference between a hog and a man? A hog doesn't have to sit drinking all night at a bar just so he can meet and diddle a pig.

What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo? At a straight rodeo they yell, "Hang on and ride that sucker!"

Why do Italian men wear mustaches? So they can look like their mothers.
What do you get when a Polock marries a Chicano? A kid who spray-paints his artwork on chain-link fences.

Why do rich people throw away their garbage in see-through plastic bags? So the homeless and poor can go window-shopping.

Why did God invent golf? So white people could dress up like black people.
Did you hear about the woman who was attacked in San Francisco? One held her down and two did her hair.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry martini.
How do they say screw you in Los Angeles? Trust me.

Is the robin cocking his head and listening for the sounds of worms in the ground or is he detecting the possible movement of the earth to tip him off as to the worm's presence? The temptation is to side with the radical group who thinks he tilts his head to get a better picture of a cock-eyed world.

How can you convince a drummer that a pound of feathers is different than a pound of bricks? First drop a pound of feathers on his right hand and then a pound of bricks on his left hand. Than ask which hand plays his drums best.

Two drummers walked into a bar, which seems rather peculiar since you would figure the second guy would have seen the first guy do it.

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twenty. One to hold the bulb while nineteen drink until the room spins.

What's the difference between a drummer and a vacumn cleaner? You have to plug one of them in before it begins to suck.

Did you hear about the dummer who finished high school? Me neither.
Hey buddy, how late does that band play? About a half a beat behind the drummer.

How do you make a drummer slow down? Put a sheet of music in front of him.
How can you make the same drummer stop playing? Put notes on the sheet of music.

Why do guitarist put drumsticks on the dashboard of their car? So they can park in the handicap spot.

Johnny: Mom, I want to be a drummer when I grow up.
Mother: But Johnny, you can't be both.

How can you tell when a drummer is at the door? The knocking speeds up and he never knows when to come in.
What does an average drummer get on an IQ test? Drool.

What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girl friend? Homeless.
What did the professional drummer say when he got his first job? Would you like fries with that?

Why do some migrant workers drive low-riders? So they can cruise and pick lettuce at the same time.

Some of my classmates never made it through school. In fact one guy in my class was so dumb he picked his nose apart to see what made it run.

What's the definition of an Italian cad? He doesn't tell his wife he's sterile until after she's pregnant.

My friend thinks that the only reason gang-bangers put those little steering wheels in their cars is so they can drive with handcuffs on.

What's the definition of a maniac? A Italian in a whorehouse with a credit card.
Why do they play soccer on artificial turf in Poland? To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.

What do you get when you cross a stud with a debtor? Someone who is always into you ten inches.
Do you know the definition of a macho man? Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Why did God create man? Because you can't teach a vibrator how to mow the lawn.
Definition of a wife... something you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Why do blacks keep chickens? To teach their kids to walk.

How do you make a black person nervous? Take them to an auction.

What do they call a black lady with braces? A Black & Decker pecker-wrecker.

Did you hear about the two Mexicans that got on the program, That's Incredible? One had auto insurance and the other was an only child.

How do you circumcise a whale? Send down foreskin divers.

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Italian? A guy that makes you an offer you can't understand.

Why aren't cowboys circumcised? So they have a place to keep their Skool while they are eating lunch.

Why is Polish and polish spelled the same way? Because Webster didn't know shit from Shinola.

What goes "mork, mork?" A dog with a hair-lip.

What is better, to be born black or gay. Black, because you don't have to tell your parents.

Why do Latin women wear long skirts? To hide the no-pest strips.

Who won the race by a Mexican and a black down a long tunnel? The Mexican, because the black had to stop and write "Yo mamma born a bastard" on the wall.

Why do blacks always have sex on their minds? Because of the pubic hair on their heads.

Do you know how to re-use a condom? Turn it inside out and wash the fuck out of it.

What does a gay and a bungee-jumper have in common? If the rubber breaks they are both in deep shit.

Why did the blonde have square boobs? She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the boxes.

What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion? A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

Why doesn't Santa Claus have kids? He only comes once a year and then it's down a chimney.

The difference between a train and a teacher? A train says "Choo choo," while a teacher says, "Take that gum out of your mouth."

What do you call a dog with no legs and steel balls? Hey Sparky!

The kind of fourplay engaged in by many suburban couples today is wife swapping.

Overheard between two blondes walking down the street: "You mean a penal colony isn't an all male nudist colony?

Do you need a silencer if you're going to shoot a mime?

How do they get non-stick Teflon to stay coated to the pan?

If con is the opposite of pro is congress the opposite of progress?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can you ever visualize the world without hypothetical situations?

Why don't they spell phonetic the way it sounds?

Why do they have interstates in Hawaii?

Why do you have to have a driver's license to purchase liquor when its illegal to drink and drive?

Why do they have flotation devices under the seats of airplanes rather than parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited?

What's the difference betwixt a brown noser and a shithead? Depth perception.
What do you get if you cross an Elephant with a Kangaroo? Holes all over Australia.
What did Michael Jackson say to Lorena Bobbit? "SILLY Bobbit! Dicks are for KIDS!"

Question: How do you get a University of Maine graduate to get off your porch?
Answer : You pay for the pizza!!

When does a person decide to become an engineer?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities.

How can you tell an extroverted engineer? When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Why did the engineers cross the road? Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

The first step is to say nice things about myself.
The second, to do nice things for myself.
The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

Who can I blame for my own problems?
Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location.

"Whatcha up to?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's life treating you?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure.

Q: Why don't they have Christmas at University of Michigan?
A: They can't find a virgin and three wise men.

Q: How do they separate the men from the boys at Vermont?
A: With a restraining order.

Q: What do you get when you drive quickly through the Cincinnati campus?
A: An undergraduate degree.

Q: Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans at the University of Iowa?
A: Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Q: Why do USC graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: How do you get a Michigan State grad off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What does Indiana University need to win a basketball championship?
A: A coach

Q: Why does Texas A &M have Astroturf at their football stadium?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.

Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from the Univ. of Oklahoma have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Tomás de Torquemada, last of the Catholic Inquisition officers: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

O.J. Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time. You can believe me for I NEVER lie.
President Bill Clinton: That depends on what your definition of the word "cross" is.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

President Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Microsoft Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook.

Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Charles Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Charles Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Niccolò Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.

How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom? Three, if you slice them very thinly.

Why do men get married? So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.

What are a woman's four favorite animals? A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.

What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? So they can find their way back to the house.

Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower? A widower.

Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years? He wouldn't ask for directions.

When Quester got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you."
Quester said, " Britney Spears's boobs."

Q: What are the two things women should never do in bed with their husbands?
A: Point and Laugh

What did the one crocodile say to the other crocodile?
What's with the long face?

Q: What is it a man stands up to do, a woman sits down to do, and a dog holds out his leg to do?
A: To shake hands.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin,come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."

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