There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy:
One is to take her shopping.
The rest is 69.

A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four minutes."

The wife replies, "Good! Now you know how I feel.

A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."
"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"

What's Rodeo Sex?

Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her "This is the way your sister likes it too."

You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

There were two brothers, who were identical twins. Danny was married, but Roy was single and owned a small dilapidated boat. It just so happened that on the same day that Danny's wife died, Roy's boat sank.

A kind old lady met Roy on the street and mistaking him for his brother Danny, said, "Oh Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible."

Roy said, "Well I'm not a bit sorry, she was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish the first time I got her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a big hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her, and once leaked all over the place."

"Oh my goodness!"

Roy continued, "What finished her off though was four guys from the other side of town that came looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented her to them, but warned them she wasn't too hot. But they insisted they wanted to give her a try. The result was the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her, and she cracked right down the middle."

It was all too much for the old lady. She fainted dead away.

A woman was comatose and in the hospital. A nurse discovered that every time she sponged the woman between her legs during her bath her vital signs increased. A thought came into her mind. Perhaps all that poor woman needed was sex to bring her out of that death like coma.

She telephoned the husband and told him about how the same oral sex that she loved having her husband do to her might help his own wife in this time of desperation. She suggested that he might come right over and do it with her as soon as possible. He agreed and immediately goes to her bedside at the hospital. The nurse drew the curtains to give them privacy.

Later, the man came running out of the room screaming, "Doctor, doctor, my wife's vital signs have just quit. They've dropped to zero."

The nurse was extremely upset. Here she thought that sex might help and get the woman out of her coma, but instead the situation appeared worse than before! The extremely agitated and frantic nurse went over to husband and wants to know what happened.

He replied, "I'm not sure. She just started choking...."

There are three kinds of sex a married couple have. All over the house sex, bedroom sex, and hall sex. All over the house sex happens on the honeymoon. It's where you'll do it at any time, anywhere, in any position, and for any reason.

Bedroom sex is what evolves later. It is when the couple has sex at bedtime on Saturday night and in the bedroom.

Hall sex occurs even later in the marriage. It's when the couple passes each other in the hall, glares at one another, and says, "Screw you!"

Lady from Georgia and a lady from Tennessee are sittin' on the front porch swing, one hot afternoon, sippin' mint juleps, fannin' them selves. The lady from Georgia says "Tell me, in Tennessee, do they have boys that kiss boys?"

Lady from Tennessee says, "Yes, we have those."
"What do you call them?"
"Well... we call them homosexuals."
"Oh, I see."
Lady from Georgia says, "Tell me, in Tennessee do you have girls that kiss girls?"
"Yes we have those too, and we call them lesbians."
"Oh, I see."

Lady from Tennessee takes a big long drink from her frosty mint julep and says, "Tell me, in Georgia do you have boys that kiss girls private parts?"

Blushing, the lady from Georgia replies, "Yes we have those."
"And what do you call them?" inquires the lady from Tennessee.
"Well," the Lady from Georgia gasps, "when I catch my breath, I call them 'Precious`!"

Did you hear about the bridegroom asking the desk clerk: "How much do we owe you for the room?"
"Five bucks a piece!"
So the groom handed him $50.

Hansel and Gretel are dating. Hansel has asked Gretel to marry him, so Gretel and her mother invite Hansel to dinner. "Of course you told Hansel about your condition...."

Gretel answered, "No, not yet."
Gretel's mom said, "Okay, I will tell him when he comes over for dinner."

After dinner, Gretel goes to the kitchen to do the dishes and her mother starts talking with Hansel. "My daughter is a very good cook."

Hansel says, "That is good, because I like good food."
Her mother says, "Gretel is also very frugal."
Hansel said, "That is wonderful, because I like to save money."
Then Gretel's mother says, "Hansel there is one thing, Greta has acute angina".
Hansel responded by saying, "I am sure glad about that because she sure hasn't got any tits!"

A man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size do you need," the sales lady ask?
"I'm not sure," the man replies.
The lady tells him to go out back to the wooden fence with the holes in it and measure for size.

He goes to the fence and puts his penis into the first hole. Meanwhile the sales lady rips off her clothes and runs out to the backside of the fence and positions herself against the hole. They repeat this process all the way down the fence. The sales lady then races back into the store and hurriedly dresses.

The young man reenters the store. "Find what size you need" the lady asks.
"No" the man replies, "but I'll take about 10 feet of that fence!"

An Eskimo woman is out riding her snowmobile when it suddenly breaks down. She takes it to the nearest mechanic, but he tells her he is too busy to look at it right away. "There's a restaurant across the street. Why don't you go and grab a sandwich and come back in an hour?" he says.

So the Eskimo woman goes to the restaurant and returns in an hour. "Have you had a chance to look at my snowmobile," she asks.

"Yeah," he says. "It looks like you blew a seal!"
She says, "No, that's just mayonnaise!"

So you think your life is bad? Just think how the life of an egg is. You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft. You have to share a box with eleven other guys! And the only chick who ever sat on your face was...your mother!!

A guy named Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi. Is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."

They sit down and Chris says, "You know Betsy, you have the greatest looking breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Betsy thinks about this for a second and says to her self, what the hell a hundred bucks! My husband sees it all the time for free! So she opens her robe and shows one. Chris promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are soooo beautiful, I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together."

Betsy thinks about this again and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony promptly asks, "Well, did he drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"

There was this sperm named George who wanted to create a baby. "I'm gonna be the one. I'm gonna get to the egg first!" he said to himself.

While the other sperms sat around, George did exercises and practiced whipping his little tail to make himself faster. He even did push ups and sit-ups.

One day it started getting really warm, and moments later they all shot out, sure enough, George was leading the pack. After a few seconds, George turned around and started heading back. "Go back, go back, he shouted. "I just saw a tongue and two lips out there. This is a suicide mission if there ever was one!"

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers.

He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

Bert met Maya in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extra-curricular activity. Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Maya's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.

When they were done, Bert lay back on the bed and said, "I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out."

Maya looked at him and smiled. "That usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose."

A man lived in a small town and went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor ran some tests and found the man to have cancer. The doctor told him he had about five months to live.

The next week the doctor heard the man was telling every body that he was dying of AIDS. The doctor called the man and asked him to come back and see him.

The doctor said, "I told you you're dying from cancer, not AIDS".
The man said, "I understand! But I want all these other guys to leave my wife alone after I'm gone!"

A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day a new man washes up on shore. The new guy and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but desperately are waiting for the right time to get in each other's pants and satisfy their immediate lust.

The husband, not noticing the lust these two have for each other is just very glad to see the second man. "Now we will be able to have three people doing 8 hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12 hour shifts."

The new guy on the island is only too happy to help out and has a plan in his head so he volunteers to take the first shift in the watchtower. He climbs up the tower and begins his shift.

Soon the husband & wife start placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The new guy on the island yells down from the tower "Hey, no fucking"!

They yell back, "We're not fucking".

A few minutes later the husband and wife start to put driftwood into the stone circle to get the fire ready. Again the second man yells down from the tower, "Hey, no fucking"!

Again they yell back, "We're not fucking"! Later the husband and wife are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks.

Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no fucking"!
Once again they yell back, "We're not fucking!!"
All through the entire 8 hours shift of the new guy, any every few minutes he yells down.. "I said no fucking!"
And they yell back... "We're not fucking!"
Finally the shift is over so the new guy on the island climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's not even halfway up before the wife and second man have gotten totally naked and are wildly screwing each other's brains out. The husband looks down from the tower and says, "Son of a bitch. From up here it DOES look like they're fucking".

The guy, in his cups, was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel.
"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said, "it's actually really romantic."
"Oh, yeah?" responded the man. "Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the Madame wouldn't give me my money back and refused to give me another girl."

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.

"Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

Four days later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about four days ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

Police pull a woman driver over and asked her to blow into the breathalyzer bag.
The reading is very high and the cop says to her, "Gee, you've had a few stiff ones tonight haven't' you?
She replies, Oh, does it show that as well.

A man goes into a whorehouse without much money. "Madam", he says, "I only have ten bucks, can you do anything for me?"

"Ten bucks can't get you very much," says the madam. "Go to Room number six."

The man opens the door to room number six, and sees a chicken. "Man!" he thinks, "a chicken! That'll teach me to have more money the next time I come here." However, since he is really desperate, he catches the chicken and has his way with the poor creature.

A week later, the man goes back to the same whorehouse with even less money than last time. Five bucks.
When the operator approaches, he says, "Madam, I only have five bucks. Can you do any thing for me?"

"Five bucks can't get you too much," she once again replies. "Go to room number five."

The man opens the door to this room and sees a bunch of peepholes in the wall. There's a guy looking through one of them. He walks up to a peephole, looks inside, and sees two women getting it on. After watching for a time, he turns to the man next to him and says "Isn't this great?!"

The man turns to him and says, "This is nothin', you should have been here last week.... Some crazy fellow was having his way with a chicken! Can you believe it?"

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!'

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.

"No," croaks the feeble old man, "but it`s startin` to twitch."

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.

"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "You know I only have twenty hours to live. Do you think we could do it again?"

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.

Another eight hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have twelve more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.

After they finish she goes back to sleep and four hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have eight hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know, you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!"

I met this fine girl in a bar, and one thing led to another... I said, "Let's go back to my place."
She said, "Oh, do you have cable?"
I said, "No, but I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.

The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"

The man says, "Two's fine."
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"

Having gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"

Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. "Honey!" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

A fellow had to give a speech to a local group. He wanted to be interesting so he came up with a twenty-minute talk on sex that was quite a hit.

When he returned home and was asked by his wife what he had spoken about, he was embarrassed and so he replied, "Horseback riding."

For days after that, his wife kept receiving compliments on her husbands entertaining talk. Finally she could stand it no longer and blurted out to a group of people: "I'll be damned if I know how he could have given such a fine speech on that subject. He only tried it twice. The first time he fell off and the last time he lost his hat!"

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood.

He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries.
She says, "Well, what did you do for love?"
He says, "Love? What's that?"

She says, "I'll show you." She shows him. Then she shows him again. Then she shows him one more time. When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?"

He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, and then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went
for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away free as novelty items."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see an urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches???" the doctor asked.
"Well, yes," the woman said, "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

Two West Virginia football coaches were driving down the road when they noticed they needed some gas. They started looking for a gas station when they saw a sign that read 'Free Sex with Fill up.' They decided to pull in and told the attendant to, "fill 'er up." After he was done the attendant went to the window and said that it would be $18.00 for the gas.

They paid and as the attendant started to walk away the driver yelled "What about my free sex?"

The attendant rolled his eyes and went to the window and said, "OK, but you will have to guess a number between 1 and 10."

The driver said, "6."
The attendant said "No, the answer was 3, sorry."
As the attendant started to walk off the passenger said, "Give me a try."
The attendant said 'OK.' The passenger said, "7."
And the attendant said, "No, I told you the answer was 3."

The driver then sped off and the passenger looked over and said, "I think that game was rigged, there is no way to win."

The driver replied, "Uh, Uh, my wife won three times last week."

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.

When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the windowsill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.

Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So ... how was I?"
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and the receptionist gives the groom a key to the bridal suite. The whole evening, the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

The next morning at 6 a.m., the groom calls room service.
"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"
"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night, so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs,
9 sausages, 12 slices of toast, and 6 liters of orange juice."

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you have there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for
you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"
Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"
The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit too!"

During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report.
The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "The hell with that ...Who was 'HE?' "

A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.
The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"

A young guy was lying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked.
"You bet," came the excited reply.
"O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" ask the chemist.

"I did", replied the assistant.
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how everything went."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how her love life has been.
"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again. "

A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He demandingly asked, "What on earth are you doing?"

The wife turned to the other man and said, "See, I told you he was as dumb as a post."

One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVENUE. He gave her a big HERSHEY KISS and began to feel her MOUNDS, that was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL! He let out a SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER moved through her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH HENRY" as she squeezed his GOOBERS and made his MR. PEANUT brittle. "That's GOOD N' PLENTY," MARY JANE said. "You're even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS!" Soon she was more than a bit CHUNKY and nine months later had BABY RUTH.

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was very, very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use soft hole in tree trunk."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer to get a better look, got an enormous erection and gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels."

The racecar driver picked up a girl after a race went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter? Didn't I satisfy you?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my breasts and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt between my legs and yelled, 'who left the garage door open?'"

A young couple wanders off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of their small town and start necking. After awhile the guy abruptly stops.

"You know," he says, "we've been doing this for weeks now and I think it's time we had intercourse,"

"Well, maybe," she says, "but I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides, all those people in the field may hear us."

The boy pauses and then says, "Hmmm, well if it hurts start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good, start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing!"

The girl agrees, so the two hastily take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later, everyone within a mile hear the following:

"Mooooooooo ..... Moooooooo ...... Moooooon Riverrrr....!"

A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot two things - condoms and Dramamine, since the man gets terrible motion sickness on ships.

So the man and his wife stop at the store on the way to the cruise, and the man goes in to get the necessary supplies. He walked up to the counter with a plenty-pack of condoms and asked for the largest bottle of Dramamine available.

The pharmacist looked at him for a second and then asked, "If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?"

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great! "The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"

Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head.

Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel
falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells, "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"

There once was a lady whose tooth was hurting, so she went to the dentist. He called her into his office; but as he put on his gloves, he could tell she was getting nervous. To calm her down, he asked, "Do you know how they make rubber gloves?"

"No," the lady admitted.

He said, "What you do is, you stick your hands in a big bowl of rubber and take them out again. Then you stick them up in the air and let them dry. When they finish drying, you pull off a pair of rubber gloves."

The lady didn't say a word for several moments, then started to giggle.
"What's so funny?" the dentist asked.
The lady laughed and said, "I bet I know how they make condoms!"

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So then that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

A guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy walks out.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."
Once again, the guy leaves the shop.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."
Again, the guy walks out.

The barber is getting curious. He looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop laughing. The barber asks, "Bill, where did the guy go when he left here?"

"To your house."

A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

A young female teenager runs into the house and asks her mother "Is it true what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy's thingies go in?"

"Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarrassing subject had finally come up and she didn't have to explain.
"Oh God! When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?"

"That nice fellow George asked me out for a date . . . I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car . . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . .marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

- In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

- The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")

- There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world, that even comes close to this?)

- In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

- Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

- In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

- In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and bitch."

She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."

Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centrefold and says, "son, everything inside this circle is pussy."

"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, "What does this remind you of?"

The guy replied, "A naked woman." Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, "A naked woman on a bed." This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot.

The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, "You are a sick pervert." The guy replied, "I'm not the pervert here. You're the one who keeps showing me all those dirty pictures."

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.

Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So ... how was I?"
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."

A young female teenager runs into the house and asks her mother "Is it true what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy's thingies go in?"

"Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarassing subject had finally come up and she didn't have to explain.
"Oh God! When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?"

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f**king fence wasn't electrified."

A woman, completely fed up with her husband's computer obsession, finally takes matters into her own hands.

One night, as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length mink coat and posts herself between her husband and the monitor.

She pulls open the coat and yells, "Time for Super Sex!" He ignores her.

So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex!", "Super Sex!", "Super Sex!"

Finally, he replies, "Okay, Okay, I'll take the soup."

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm f-king STARVING!"

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