Why was Isaac being sacrificed when he was 12 years old?
Because if he were a teenager it wouldn't be any sacrifice.

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?"

Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

A young couple is in a car out on a date in the middle of December. As luck would have it along a lonely road they got a flat tire. The temperature is minus twenty-five degrees. So the young man cannot avoid the cold as he gets out of the car and changes the tire.

After being outside for fifteen minutes, he jumps back in and reaches up under the young girl's dress and places his almost frozen hands between the girl's warm thighs.

"I apologize for this inconvenience, but this is the best part of the human anatomy to warm another's cold parts. Can't have me frost bitten, you know.

After a few minutes he pops out of the front seat and continues with the tire changing. Soon, he again must come back in to warm his hands and then back out. Several times this happens and finally the young girl has something to say. Deadly serious she inquires, "Aren't your ears cold yet?"

It happened one night in a deserted parking area high above the Hollywood sign. A young boy seeking privacy from other lovers in parked cars suggested to his girl that they crawl under their vehicle and make love. After locking his girl-friend in a passionate embrace the two were bathed in a bright light, and a voice sounding rather authoritative, announced: "What do you think you're doing there on the ground!"

Without looking up into the blinding light of the flashlight, the young man answered, "My muffler was dragging and we are wiring it in place."

"Likely story," announced the man in blue wearing a badge. "Your brakes need a little adjusting too. You'll find you car against a tree down in the canyon. Just look over yonder cliff, if you don't believe me."

The boy friend was over-seas and sent money as a Christmas present to his girl friend back in the states. He had noticed the last time he was on leave that she was gaining a little weight and he thought to make her a present of an exercise bike, so consequently he sent off the money.

The girl was a bit miffed at the fellow's not so subtle suggestion for her Christmas present and while in a pet store with a friend, impulsively bought a pet monkey that had taken a fancy to her.

Not realizing that she had neglected telling him she had not carried out his request, some months passed when in one of her letters, she complained that everything was fine except for one thing. "Can you believe it?" she wrote. "All the hair is falling off my monkey."

In the next post came back her boy friend's urgent message. "Call the Goodwill and donate your bicycle to them. Get rid of it, quick!"

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman".
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?"
"Yes father, it's me."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No."
"Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Amy Thomas?"
"No, Father."
"Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
"NO, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Mary's. Go back to your seat."

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What happened?"
"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary's and six good leads."

A man went into a pharmacy and asked for some condoms, the pharmacist asked what size pack, twin, six packs or twelve pack. The man said, well I'm going to my girl friend's house for dinner, and I think were finally going to do it and she will want it more than once, so give me a twelve pack....

At the dinner the man asked if he could say grace...after thanking God over and over...the girlfriend said, "You didn't tell me you were so religious."

The man said, "You didn't tell me that your father was a Pharmacist."

This kid walks into a general store one day and asks for a job. The owner tells him that he doesn't need any help. The kid is persistent so the guy tells him to watch him when the next customer comes in. If he can do what he does, he'll give him a job.

A few minutes later a customer walks in "Good afternoon sir. What can I get for you?" The guy says, "I need some grass seed."

So the owner goes and gets it. When he gets back he says, "How about a lawnmower to go with this?"
"What do I need a lawnmower for?"
"Well when the grass grows your going to need something to cut it with."
"Yeah okay I'll take the lawn mower too."
"That's how it's done. Can you do that?" asks the owner.
The kid says, "Yes sir."
So the next customer comes in and says, "I need some tampax."

The kid says, "Yes sir," and goes and gets them. When he gets back he says, "Would you like a lawn mower to go with that?"

The guy says "What do I need a lawnmower for?"
The kid replies, "You might as well cut the grass. Your weekend is shot that's for sure..."

Entry in young woman's diary :
Monday: Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.

Tuesday: Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.

Wednesday: Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of friends must part!

Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year old daughter had hitch hiked, all alone, all the way from San Francisco to Washington.

"For Gods sake," he screamed, "someone could have attacked you and raped you!"

"I wasn't ever in any danger at all," she said, trying to calm him down. "As soon as someone gave me a ride, all I had to do was say I was going to Washington, because that's where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted diseases."

Ten indications of an Amish Rebel Teenager--
10. Sometimes stays in bed 'til after 6 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "trotting under the influence of cottage cheese."
..and the Number One Sign Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble... He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

It's the spring of 1957 and George goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says George.

Sue's father asks George what they're planning to do. George replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Sue's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to George, so he asks Sue's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Sue's father, "Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made George's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, George escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "Damn it Daddy! It's called the twist!"

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...."

To which the Rabbi replied.... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.

A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"

The guy, now perplexed, says "Yes." and the two take off.

A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Joe.
I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Can she go?"

The man, now kind of annoyed says "Yes." the two depart.
Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Chuck.."
The father shot him.

A junior high school principal had a problem with girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints. So he spoke to the teachers and asked them for their help. They promised they would speak to the girls, but after two weeks, the situation didn't improve at all. He called a few of the girls parents who were his friends for their advice, but to no avail. The mirrors were constantly a mess.

Finally he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. You could see the young girls smiling at each other, all nodding publicly but smirking to one another.

The principal then asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors. The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.
From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on - no bra. Her grandmother just throws a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and then out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate to sit there half-naked.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets!" her grandmother replies.

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady, we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone, and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"My goodness," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

A Scotsman stopped off for a few drinks at his local pub. On his way home he was having trouble navigating, so he decided to take a little rest by the roadside. As he was snoring gently, two girls came by and one said to the other, "You know, they say Scotsmen go naked under their kilts... Shall we see if it's true?"

Her companion eagerly agreed, and when they lifted his kilt they found the story to be true indeed. In fact, what greeted their eyes was so pleasing that one of the girls took off her blue hair ribbon and tied it around the man's member as he slept.

Not too much later the Scotsman awoke, and when he stood to take a pee he got quite a start at the sight of the blue ribbon. "Hoot mon!" he exclaimed. "I don't know what you've been up to, but I'm certainly glad to see you took first place."

Texas
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 74.7 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, SHIT!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 92.3 percent of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood (one of whom was from Texas) were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman, who was not from Texas, said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did you husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Texas lady replied "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!", the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying who gives a crap' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Two Texans, Billy Bob and Luther, were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different."

"Different?"

"Yah, different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther looks puzzled and asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey and helmet, and is festooned with Cowboy pom-poms. The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave."

The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game."

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The big game begins with the Cowboys receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal. Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"

The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for three years.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!"

They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

The old Texan cowboy came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.

The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."
"Yes Sheriff."
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some really chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' them."

An old Texas cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."

After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the Texas cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well Ma'am," he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Two Texans were seated in a fast-food restaurant when a young lady seated a few tables away began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"

The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?"

"You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and asked, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no. He asked," Can you speak?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe.

With great relief, the Texan walked back to his friend and said, "Funny how that hind lick maneuver always works."

In the restroom an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows.... he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, we were taught to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from USC California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The Texas cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Texas and they taught us not to pee on our hands.

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road, big mouth, you're gonna say, "I wish that sucker would've tried that crap with me!'"

Three Texas cowboys are sitting around a campfire waiting for the soup in the iron pot to come to a boil. Night sounds could be heard in the background for night has settled on the lonesome prairie. Like usual they wait for someone to begin with the tall tales showing the bravado for which cowboys are famous. Each would try to outdo the other for that is what made cowboys cowboys.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is in Texas. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third Texas cowboy remained silent as he stood next to the big iron cooking pot and slowly stirred the now bubbling soup with his rather long penis.

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Texas café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Dallas. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

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