Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the U.S. by boat. One says to the other: "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

The companion nun replies: "If we are to live in America we should do what the natives do."

The mother superior points to a near-by hot dog vendor and says I do find myself hungry." And they walk towards it.

"Two dogs please," says one when they get there.

The vendor is only too pleased to comply. He wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their heated dogs.

The mother superior is the first to open hers, and after staring at it a moment, leans over to the other nun and cautiously whispers, "What part did you get?"

A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bullfight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called The Matador".

As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer. The dish is spaghetti with these two huge meatballs. When the waiter comes to his table, he inquires. "That is the Matador Special" replies the waiter. "Spaghetti and Bull testicles. We get them after the bullfight. It is exquisite!"

"That's what I'll have!", says the businessman.
"I'm very sorry senor, but that dish is only available once per day".
Disappointed, the man orders another dish and plans to try again the next day.

So again, the next day he goes to the bull fights, and afterwards stops into the dive. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the "Matador Special" to another customer who was there before him.

"Damn!" he says to himself. "And tomorrow's my last day here."

So the next day, he skips the bullfight, and stands in line at the cafe. He is the first one seated, and proudly proclaims, "I'll have the Matador Special!"

"Very well, senor!" responds the waiter. Soon afterwards, the waiter brings out his dish, but the meat balls are disappointingly small. Very small, as a matter of fact.

"What's with this!" the now angry man shouts.
"I'm very sorry, senor" said the waiter, "but the bull does not always lose!"

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

A lady from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess was determined to make the Mid-westerner feel cheap and unimportant.

"My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly, "here in the East we think breeding is everything."
"Oh, I don't know," the lady from the Midwest, replied, "Out where I come from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well."

Bomb squad member over in the Middle East, wearing a shirt that said:
I AM A BOMB TECHNICIAN
IF YOU SEE ME RUNNING
TRY AND KEEP UP!

Here is some funny, and supposedly true stories from travel agents.

I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut.
When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"

Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat on an airplane so his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response.... "Click."

A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have a number on them."

A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak very badly. After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"

"I gotta go, man," replied the tourist.
"You can't go here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "whiz away."

The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.

"No. This is the American Embassy."

A bus carrying a minor league baseball team pulled up beside a local in a village. "What's the quickest way to York?" the driver asked.

The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Chinese Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Chinese Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur.
Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

The newlyweds had decided to take Amtrak's "Car Train" to Florida, so they would have the mobility of being able to use their own vehicle on the honeymoon. They settled into one of the train's upper berths together and cuddled.

As the night progressed, the new bride was heard to say quite excitedly a number of times, "I just can't believe that we're finally married, Dewayne."

After about the 3rd time in five minutes, a voice came out of the dark, "Dammit, Dewayne! Will you please CONVINCE her so we can all get some sleep?"

A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.

The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned. The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that man and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea, but every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, "'do all these children and this luggage belong to you?''

''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.''

The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?''

''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''

Three tourists were traveling in South America: an Irishman, a Frenchman and a blond American. They all found themselves in a bar in a small Latin American country, which was ruled by a strict dictator. As luck would have it, they got into an argument and a bar fight soon started. The local military police arrived and arrested them.

At their trial before a tribunal, they learned their luck was even worse than they had thought. The brother of the dictator owned the bar. The three of them were promptly sentenced to five years in solitary confinement.

Before they were taken away to prison, the judge said, "You are foreigners to our country. I will grant you each one favor. You may choose one item to help you pass the time in our prison. What do you wish for?"

The Irishman asked for a five years supply of fine Irish whiskey. The Frenchman asked for a five-year supply of fine French wine. The blond American requests a five year supply of cigarettes. The judge grants all three requests. The three were led off to prison and thrown into individual cells down in the dark, damp basement of the prison.

Five years later they were let out one by one. First the Irishman was released. He staggered out, drunk, barely able to stand, and quickly stumbled out of the prison without saying a word. The Frenchman was released next. He swaggered out, rather drunk himself, and walked out into freedom. The blond American was released last. He stepped out into freedom and said, "Does anyone have a damn match?"

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for three hundred and fifty dollars. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth three hundred and fifty dollars. When the clerk tells him three hundred and fifty dollars is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for one hundred dollars."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you two hundred and fifty dollars for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude And spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Yesterday, I was on the bus traveling home from work. A man of Arabic Appearance got off at the stop before mine, and I noticed that he had left his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful to me and when he checked the contents of his bag I noticed what appeared to be large bundles of banknotes and white powder.

He looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me: "I can never repay your kindness sir, but I will try to with a word of advice for you and your friends: Tell everyone you care about to stay away from Cleveland."

I was terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" I whispered.
"No, sir," he whispered back. "It's a s---hole."

A wrinkled old crone got on the train and, exhausted, retired to her bed, which was the upper berth in a sleeper car.

Shortly after falling asleep, the woman was awakened by loud snoring from the lower berth. She tried wrapping the blankets around her head, but to no avail; finally, she kicked and banged her heels on the mattress. Moments later a man's voice came from below.

"Save your energy lady," he said, "I got a good look at you when you came on board."

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk
for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby.

After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here. I'll need a double room for the night."

The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here for one night!"

"Yes sir," says the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks!"

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train. "He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers."

A group of Asian women were visiting a village located in South Africa. They came across a booth selling human breast. One of the Asian lady asked the butcher, "Why are you selling women's breast?"

The butcher replied, "In Ouagadougou, we have found that consuming women's breast can increase men's sex drive, and enlarge the size of their penis."

Hearing about the "enlarging the penis" the Asian woman was determined to buy some for her husband. She quickly asks the butcher for the price of the breast.

"Well," says the butcher, "It depends on what kind of breast you want. We have black breast, white breast, and Asian breast."

"Give me the price of each!", said the Asian lady impatiently.

"The black breasts are $200 a pound," the butcher says. "White breasts are $300 a pound, and the Asian breasts are $400 a pound."

The Asian women were glad to hear that Asian breasts were the most expensive in the breast booth. "Hey, not bad! Asian breasts are worth more!", said one of the Asian ladies.

"No no no, you don't understand," the butcher explains, "you don't understand how many Asian women we have to kill to get one pound of breast!"

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really" she spat. "then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

To which to cop answered, "Ours, I hope."

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, They decided to send it to President Clinton.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

Can you imagine working for the following company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

- 29 have been accused of spousal abuse.
- 7 have been arrested for fraud
- 19 have been accused of passing bad checks.
-117 have bankrupted at least two businesses.
- 3 have been arrested for assault.
- 71 cannot get credit or loans due to bad credit histories.
- 14 have been arrested on drug related charges.
- 8 have been arrested for shoplifting.
- 21 are current defendants on various lawsuits.
- In 1998 alone , 84 were stopped for drunk driving.

Can you guess what organization this is? Give up? It is the 535 members of the U.S. Congress that work for you and me. The same group that cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, etc. All the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.

Well, here's the answer: It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't you know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

How about a fast trip to page 73 of jokes?CLICK HERE will get you there.

CLICK HERE

Click here for Quester's life story in pictures.

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