Weddings
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.

Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was... oh, do I miss him!"

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "

A murmur went across the audience as they realized what they had been putting into their bodies.

"But there is one thing," the lecturer continued, "that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own."

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the hundred dollar bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted. Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"
"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in," and she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

You may have heard about this new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

The bride-to-be and her best friend were discussing her impending wedding.

"If you want an unforgettable wedding night," her friend said, "get him to eat a dozen oysters after the ceremony."
A week after, the new bride thanked her friend but said plaintively, "Only eight of the oysters worked."

A couple is about to be married. The groom is walking down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the BEST oral sex performed on me I have ever had in my entire life."

Now the bride comes walking down the aisle, and she too has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited."

The bride replies, "I have just given the last oral sex I have to give for the rest of my life."

Bill and his fiancee Mary met with the minister of the church to discuss their marriage vows.
"Pastor," said Mary, "we wonder if we could make a changein the wording of our ceremony."
"Yes, Mary," replied the pastor, "it is sometimes done. What do you have in mind?"

"Well," said Mary, "we'd like to alter the 'until death do us part' section to read, 'Substantial penalty for
early withdrawal.' "

Billy Joe and Mary Sue, newly joined in holy matrimony, are spending their wedding night at the Motel 6 Honeymoon Suite in Parthenon, Arkansas. They've abstained from the dirty deed until this very night.

Just as Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the first time, she stops him. "Wait, Billy Joe. I just thought you should know... this ain't just our first time... this here is my first time ever. I'm a virgin. I been savin' myself just for you."

"Whut you say, Mary Sue?"

"I said, I'm a virgin. One hunnert percent cherry. Just for you on our weddin' night."
"Yore a VIRGIN??"
"That's right. Please be gentle."
"Gentle? Gentle my arse. I'm outta here!"

With that, Billy Joe pulls up his pants, and leaves his virgin bride lying alone. He slams the door, jumps in his pickup, and drives back home across the tracks.

"Paw! Paw! Wake up! Yore not gonna believe this!"

"Huh? Billy Joe, whut the heck you doin' here? It's 3am on yore weddin' night! Why the heck ain't you and that purty new wife of yours in a haystack somewhere?"

"Paw, I wuz all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up and tells me that she's a virgin!"
"A VIRGIN?"

"That's right, Paw. One hunnert percent cherry. As soon as she told me, I got the heck outta there as fast as I could!"

"Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing... Cuz if she ain't good enough fer her own fam'ly, she certainly ain't good enough for ours!"

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married, she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and let out a big fart.

She looked up and said: "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole whistle."

Jacob (92)& Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding & on the way go past a drugstore.
Jacob suggests that they go in and addresses the man behind the counter - -

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

The bride-to-be and her best friend were discussing her impending wedding.

"If you want an unforgettable wedding night," her friend said, "get him to eat a dozen oysters after the ceremony."

A week after, the new bride thanked her friend but said plaintively, "Only eight of the oysters worked."

Taoism Shit happens.
Buddhism If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism This shit happened before.
Catholicism Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna Shit happens rama rama
T.V. Evangelism Send more shit.
Atheism No shit.
Jehovah's Witness Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism What is shit anyway?
Stoicism This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit.
Kahuna-ism Shit happens. So?
Beatrice-ism Understand your own shit, and then let it go.

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

Through the pitch black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."

The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky "You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.

Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -"to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed... "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with an AM station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors...they didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Wayne's World 2." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

A Zen Master walks up to a hot dog stand. He asks the vendor to make him one with everything.
The hot dog vendor makes him a dog with all the toppings.
The Zen Master pays with a twenty dollar bill.
The vendor smiles and thanks him for stopping by.
"What about my change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor answered, "Change comes from within."

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you mustn't anger him!" but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But, how did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, you don't screw with him!"

"Master, I want to learn what the secret of life is all about. I have looked into all the great religions of the world and I must admit no teachings of any of them answer the question behind it all. What is the purpose of it all? What is the Tao all about?"

"In that case let me ask you three questions. When you answer them you will know. Two men climb through a large drainage pipe. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Which man washes?"

"Obviously, the dirty man washed himself."

"Wrong. The dirty man looked at the clean one and thought there was no need. The clean one looked at the dirty one and washed himself."

"So go ahead. What is the second question?"

"Two men climb through a rather large drainage pipe. One came out dirty, the other came out clean. Which one washed himself?"

"Logically since you have just proven the answer, the clean one."
"Wrong. They look at more than each other. The dirty one looked at himself, saw his dirt and went to wash himself."

"Hummmm, there is practical philosophical thinking going on here. Guess I can understand seeing yourself dirty and washing. What is the third question?"

"Two men climbed through a large drainage pipe. One came out dirty and the other clean. Which one washed himself?"

"Using logic and practical philosophy such as you have suggested, the dirty one washes."

"Wrong. It would be impossible for one to get dirty and one to crawl through the same drainage pipe and one to come out dirty while the other comes out clean."

"Now you've got me totally confused and frustrated. I don't understand anything."
"That's it. You got it. Now you know the meaning of life. It is not for understanding. It's for living."

Little Known Facts: The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The Eisenhower Interstate System requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Some Cowboy Wisdom:
The only way to drive cattle fast is slowly.
A person who agrees with all your palaver is either a fool, or he is gettin' ready to skin ya.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over on itself and put it back in your pocket.
Never take another man's bet. He wouldn't be offering it if he didn't know somethin' you don't.
A body can pretend to care, but they can't pretend to be there.
Don't get mad at somebody who knows more 'n you do. It ain't their fault.
When you're tryin' somethin' new, the fewer people who know about it, the better.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said.
"What do you mean,' intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"
"He said we are down here because of intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" said the friend.
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, Take your shovel and hit my hand."

His chauffeur held a renowned philosopher in high regard. He listened in awe at every speech while his boss easily answered questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the chauffeur handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"

"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chop-sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke. Believe in the fork and use it to your advantage."

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

I found that all the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for living.
Keep your head down when drive-by shootings occur.
Follow through when you make commitments.
Be born with money.

WISDOM OF LIFE'S GOLF LESSONS.

If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

The less skilled the player is, the more likely he is to share his ideas
Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
It's surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you lie 10.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme putt if you're still away.
There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you intended to play it.
You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a 2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

A young lady went to a dance, and she had a low-cut, strapless gown on. Around her neck she wore a little
golden airplane on a long chain. All night she noticed a young man, staring at her.

In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said, "Oh, you like my airplane, huh?"
The young man smiled mischievously. "No ma'am, I was just admiring the landing field."

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."
''Why?' asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

Confucius says...
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.
Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man with penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand
Boycott Shampoo ! ...Demand REAL poo.

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