The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

The telephone pole was approaching; I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front end.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
To avoid hitting the bumper on the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

Three guys -- one from Louisiana, one from Vermont and one from Maine were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the Maine guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back he felt relief for the first time in years.

The Vermonter, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight.

Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to the Massachusetts man, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, the first guy said, "Panty stitcher...I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation.
"Diesel fitter," he replied.

Since diesel fitters are a skilled job, the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week. When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers were unskilled, and diesel fitters were skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on...he pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."

Our family took a ski trip, and I was knocked unconscious by the chairlift.
I called my insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover my injury.
"Why not?" I complained.
"You got hit in the head by a chairlift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you a moron, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all They talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there-that's all they talk about.

Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?".
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

Work Place
A lady is working hard in her office when a co-worker tells her that her hair smells good. Immediately, she goes to her boss and tells him that she has been sexually harassed.

"How?" asks the boss.
"He said my hair smells good," replied the lady.
"Wouldn't you take that as a compliment?"
"Normally I would, but he's a midget."

Help me to always give 100% at work....
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

In the restroom at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the Engine Company that could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.

After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"

A man walks into a jeweler's shop, unzips his trousers, and places his tool upon the counter. The lady serving says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a clock shop, not a cock shop."

"Well, put two hands on this," replies the man.

Three construction workers, an Irishman, and Mexican and a redneck are sitting down to lunch on the scaffolding that surrounds the skyscraper they are building. The Irishman opens his lunch and exclaims, "Damn! Corn beef and cabbage AGAIN! I'm so sick of corned beef sandwiches that if I ever see another corned beef sandwich I'll jump off this building."

The Mexican next opens his lunch and cries out "Damn! Tacos AGAIN? I am so sick of tacos, if I ever see another taco I'll jump off this building."

Finally the redneck opens his lunch, discovers a ham and cheese sandwich and makes the same declaration as each of his co-workers.

The next few days roll by and all three discover the exact same meals awaits them in the lunch box, and all three jump to the deaths. A few days later the widows of these three fellows are all morning their loss. The Irishman's widows declares "If Only I had known, I could have made something else. Oh whoa is me."

The Mexican guy's wife similarly offers "I had no idea he hated tacos. If only I had made him something else on that day."
Both turn to the red neck's wife who replies "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee met him at the door. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

This macho truck driver hauling a tractor trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.

The truck driver says: I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now.

You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veered to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," replied the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."

T he phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.

The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron deficient blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked! The population of this country is 237 million; 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there screwing around on e-mail!

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look...I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only...Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is......"

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.

A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon!"

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:
"I think I might be gay..."

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Get in."

The lazy meter maid was called into her supervisor's office. "Rita," her supervisor began, "I've been getting a lot of complaints from the mayor's office about your work."

The meter maid replied, "I don't know what the problem is. I gave out forty tickets yesterday."
"Yes, but they were all at a drive-in."

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"Twenty-two," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.

The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

A foreman sent out two groups of men to put up telephone poles along a new highway and asked them to report at the end of the day. The crews were gone all day and returned just as the sun was setting.

The foreman asked the leader of the first group how many poles they had installed.
The reply was eleven.

The foreman patted the guy on the back and said, "Not bad." Then he went to the leader of the next group and asked him the same question.

Two was the reply.
"Two! All you installed were two? The other group installed eleven!" The foreman exclaimed angrily.
"Yeah," the leader answered, "but you should have seen how much they left sticking out!"

Fred was applying for a job as a flagman/switch operator on the railroad. The chief engineer was conducting the interview.

"What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?"

Fred quickly answered, "Well, I'd call my brother."
The chief engineer just sat there for a second. "Why would you call your brother?"
"He's never seen a train wreck before."

Chinese Detective
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most Honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
No fee !!

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned… couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
I finally got a job as an historian until I realized there was no future in it.
So I retired, and I found I am a perfect fit for the job!

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married
men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen trains crash."

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him fifty dollars."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him a hundred dollars."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper. He calls it a sermon. And, then it takes eight people with big dishes to collect all the money!"

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.
His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd floor does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumb-ass? I said I need handsaw!"

The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

A man who worked for the fire department came home and told his wife; "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire department. Bell # 1....we all put our coats on. Bell # 2 rings, we all slide down the pole.
Bell # 3 rings, we're on the truck ready to go.

From now on.... we are going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell # 1, you strip naked. Bell #2, you jump into bed, and bell # 3, we screw all night."

The next night, he comes home from work and yells: "Bell One!" She takes off her clothes. "Bell Two!".... She jumps into bed. "Bell Three!!" They begin to screw.

After two minutes, she yells: "Bell Four!"
"What's bell four for?" he asks.
"More Hose! she says..... "You ain't nowhere near the fire!"

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?" he asks.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither, He's bald."

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. "That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"

"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."

Two lovers were having a "nooner" when the woman suddenly cocked her ear and exclaimed, "Quick-it's my husband coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!"

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready for you," she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just zip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found her lover clapping his hand in mid-air. "Who the devil are you?" the husband demanded.

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.

"But ... but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down, jumped backwards in surprise and said "Oh! Those little bastards!"

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one millionth.
LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the
Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....
PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The men were, an engineer, an accountant, a chemist and a Government worker. To show off the Engineer called to his dog..."T-Square, do your stuff."

T-Square trotted over to a desk took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Slide Rule, do your stuff. Slide Rule went to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist, of course, said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure walked to the refrigerator, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government worker and asked, "what can your dog do?"
The Government worker called to his dog and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for the unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation, and went home on sick leave.

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge twenty dollars for sex."

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is twenty-five dollars."

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that Last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"
"Intelligence," the boss said.
"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"
"He said we are down here because of intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" said the friend.
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

One day an employee came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears.
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"They called back!"

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme three flat tires and a couple of headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"
The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.
He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"
The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."
A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.
He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

Mr. Jones had recently gotten himself a new secretary, and he called her into his office to transcribe a letter for him. When she walked into the room she noticed his fly was open, but rather than mention it to him then and embarrass him, she waited until she was leaving. Then, as she walked by, she said, "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open." He was a bit surprised and confused, but finally got it when he realized
his zipper was open.

Later on, he decided to play a little trick on his secretary, so he called her in and asked her if when she saw his barracks door open, did she also notice a proud soldier standing at attention? Being a witty woman, she replied, "No, sir, all I saw was an old, disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."

The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory. Walking through the warehouse he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate. The factory owner angrily said, "Just how much are you being paid?"

The young man replied, "A hundred dollars a week."

The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off five $20 bills and shouted at the young man: "Here is a week's pay. Now get out and don't come back!"

Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left.

The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement. "Tell me," the owner asked, "How long has that guy worked for us?"

"He didn't work here," replied the warehouse manager, "He was just the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package."

John had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So John went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

John slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time?"

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"

"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been
with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

Memo To All Employees

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Sometimes, when I'm in class, I dream that I'm on a tropical island, with a dozen or more scantily clad females beside me, sitting under a huge palm tree, with some soft gentle music being played on some traditional wood instruments of that region, and a cool gentle breeze caressing my tanned body.

I do all this while trying to forget I'm in a classroom. Of course, it would be so much easier without everyone yelling at me to keep teaching.

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!".

A couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

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