[From Joke-Of-The-Day]

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

2. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when it struck my front end.

3. I knocked over my neighbor’s little boy’s tricycle. Unfortunately, he was not on it.

4. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

5. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

6. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

7. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision. I didn’t see the other car.

8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

9. A hurricane was bearing down on the area and I heard an announcement on the radio that people should crack the windows to alleviate the pressure. So I took my hammer and broke the window in my house.

10. I thought my window was down, but I found that it was up when I put my hand through it.

11. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

12. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

13. I drove my truck under a bridge, and it didn’t fit.

14. I let him try out my motorcycle. he was climbing a hill and didn’t know the hill went down the other side and crashed.

The LIMO
Submitted by Cammie Roblan
[From Joke-Of-The-Day]

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM !, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."

The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

The chief replys "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper says," "No, even more important." The chief replys, "It's the Governor, is it ?"

The trooper replys "No, even more important."

"It isn't the President is it?"

"No, more important", replies the trooper.

"Well WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.

"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"

LETTERS TO WELFARE OFFICE

[From Joke-Of-The-Day]

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptised on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

8. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

11. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

13. You have changed my little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

14. I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

15. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

16. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

HAIRCUTS

[From Joke-Of-The-Day]

Are Men and Women really the same?
Read these two versions of getting a haircut and answer the question yourself.

WOMEN'S VERSION:
-------------------------------

Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh Lord no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

MEN'S VERSION:
-------------------------

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

ARE YOU A COMPUTER ILLITERATE?
Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press any key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

AST Technical Support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on it. The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and sources of heat failed to diagnose the problem, the technician learned that the man had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

An AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back into the drive and close the door. The customer asked the technician to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

A man called in to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had just cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A Dell tecnician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The technician explained that the computer's "Bad command" and "Invalid" responses should not be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell omputer Technical Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After assuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I'm pushing and pushing on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

Another customer called Compaq Technical Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she replied, "What power switch?"

FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

-Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"

-Whistle the first seven notes of "Its a Small World" incessantly.

-Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

-Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

-When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for awhile, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" Meow occasionally.

- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

- Walk on with a cooler that says human head" on the side.

- Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

- Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

-When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"

- Say "Ding!" at each floor.

-Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

-Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

ACTUAL Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins:
[From WorldVillage]

Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Questions From Lawyers Taken From Offical Court Records
[From WorldVillage]

Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So you were gone until you returned?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid--he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

STRANGE
[Submitted by Rob Paxaio]
[From Joke-Of-The-Day]

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

SUNBATHING
[Submitted by Hushidar K. Gandhi]
[From Joke-Of-The-Day]

A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, & she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.

"No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

THE BOAT RIDE
[From Joke-Of-The-Day]

A depressed young woman was so desperate, that she decided to take her own life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor saw her tears, took pity on her, and said,"Look you have a lot to live for.

I'm off to Europe in the morning,and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer he puts his arm around her and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes and thought what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love all night.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement"with one of the sailors, he's taking me to Europe.

"Europe madam," said the captain "This is the Staten Island Ferry, "

NOTE: (The Staten Island Ferry is a 20 minute boat ride between Manhattan and Staten Island which goes back and forth every hour)

JACK SCHITT
[From sister Mary]

I heard you don't know Jack Schitt. Let me tell you all about him.

Lately, I've noticed that people are always saying to me, "You don't know Jack Schitt?" Well, I finally got tired of hearing this so I decided to do some research.

Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and his wife, Aw. Schitt. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Aw who later ran the Knee Deep Inn. The Schitts lived beside a creek that wound through their property, which was named Schitt Creek. Not much is known about O. Schitt's parents, except that they lived further up Schitt Creek, beside the fertilizer plant. To get to the old home place, you have to go by boat using a pole for propulsion because there is no paddle.

O's dad, Dam Schitt, was married to a fine lady named Luck, who was nicknamed Lucky. Therefore, O. Schitt became the first Schitt outta Luck. Jack Schitt married his high school sweetheart, Noe, and they had six children.

Sadly, their first child, Holy, passed on shortly after birth. Next came two sons, Deep and Dip. Later came their daughters, Giva and Fulla.

When Deep Schitt grew up, he married and had a son Dumb (a high school drop-out). Deep's brother, Dip Schitt and Dip's wife, Lotta, gave birth to a son whom they named Chicken. Fulla Schitt married one of the Happens boys, and chose to hyphenate her last name, thus the Schitt-Happens side of the family. Giva Schitt never married, but has three sons, Dawg, Byrd, and Bull Schitt. Bull Schitt married a spicy number named Pisa, and Bull and Pisa Schitt are now awaiting the birth of their first child, Little Schitt!

And that is the family tree.

Now when someone tells you, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can say, "Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but I know the whole darn family!"

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