Feeling transient, ephemeralFriday
July 11, 1997
St Kilda East.I'm feeling a little transient, a little transparent. Unsteady. SItting on the edge of life. Thoughts of goodbyes and farewells, of closure and diffuse pain.
I know these feelings. Familiar as my own face, like a welcome cloak closing in around me. Since I've been well so long, I'm not attuned to the signs, the imminency of times I need to watch out for. I'm out of touch, rusty. It's a strange time, just before dark. It is almost lightest just before dark, like a flash of brilliant shiny phospherescent light lingering as a valliant protest before the descent of the long dark night ahead.
A note of dissassociation slips into my thoughts and actions. A lack of care and attachment comes from not feeling part. I lose things. The ability to do things, forget how to talk to people, forget how to button shirts, how to feed. I lose a sense of self, slip away from being me, and watch me from somewhere else.
Somtimes I don't sleep, sometimes I sleep so much its scary. The not sleeping is the worst, long dark hours alone with thoughts and feelings not your own. Long cold hours of deep dark night, to spend alone and afraid.
I don't really know what I'm writing, and it's not spell checked either. I'm sorry.
For my Listening Pleasure
Grace
Jeff Buckley
especially Mojo Pin and Lilac Wine
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