Big Wheel
Tuesday
June 15, 1999
BalaclavaThat Massive Attack song hymn of the big wheel implanted itself into my mind this morning. You know all that...
"Big wheel keeps on turning, on a simple life day by day...."
"....There's a hole in my soul like a cavity"
"The wheel keeps turning, the sky's rearranging, look my son the weather is changing..."
"I'd like to feel that you could be free...."Well, it's kind of catchy. Some big things have happened for me lately. I resigned from my job, and walked away from it the next day. I bought tickets to New York City a few days later. I don't have another job. But I will. I just don't at the moment.
For me, life is full of signposts and markers. States of action and inaction. Defined areas of "yes" and "no". I know myself well, and so find that I know what to do and when. I don't agonise over decisions, or worry after I've made them. When I know something is right, I feel it, and I'm ready to move on, or make a decision, or act. Now. Right then. Right there. No messing around. I call it walking through the circle. My aim is to keep walking and not stop, or worse begin walking the perimeter. Because walking the perimeter is just a really long walk back to where you started.
In three weeks I will be undertaking a trip I have dreamed of for 25 years. I'm sure I dreamed of this before I even knew I wanted to go to New York City. But I know that I did, because there's always been a restlessness for big cities inside me. I grew up in the whitebread suburbs. Far from all that is the glittery gritty city of Melbourne. But as soon as I was able I hightailed it to the inner city, and began my life.
I recogised a day or so ago, my continuing need to absent and absolve myself of places, people and situations when I know that I have nothing more to offer, or nothing more to glean. Whilst I agree in principle that this is a good thing - for I know that I can walk away without a backward glance, it often means that when I get to that point, it's over. Finished. Stopped. From that moment on.
Useful. I can finish things and pain or fear or anguish doesn't stay with me. I can let go. But conversely if things are ended before this occurs within, I'm stuck there. I can't seem to move on. Over time the feelings dull and fade, but the door remains open. This causes me trouble.
I will write from overseas, possibly before. Perhaps I'll post my itinerary so we all know what I'm doing...
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