Harley Mechanic

^top

The Invention

^top

Gotta Be A Harley

A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking.

The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"

"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Kawasaki, so YOU ride it

^top

Why Harleys Are Better Than Women

• Harleys only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
• Harleys curves never sag.
• Harleys last longer.
• Harleys don't get pregnant.
• You can ride a Harley any time of the month.
• Harleys don't have parents.
• Harleys don't whine unless something is really wrong.
• You can kick your Harley to wake it up.
• You can share your Harley with your friends.
• If your Harley makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
• You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Harley when the old one is REALLY WORN.
• If your Harley smokes, you can do something about it.
• Harleys don't care about how many other Harleys you have ridden.
• When riding, you and your Harley both arrive at the same time.
• Harleys don't care about how many other Harleys you have.
• Harleys don't mind if you look at other Harleys, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
• New Harleys must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
• If your Harley goes flat, you can fix it.
• If your Harley is too loose, you can tighten it.
• If your Harley is too soft, you can get different shocks.
• If your Harley is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
• You can have a beer while riding your Harley.
• You can have a black Harley and show it to your parents.
• You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Harley.
• You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Harley.
• You don't have to convince your Harley that you're a cyclist and that you think that Harleys are equals.
• If you say bad things to your Harley, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
• You can ride a Harley as long as you want and it won't get sore.
• Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Harley after you dump it.
• Harleys always feel like going for a ride.
• Harleys don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
• Your Harley never wants a night out alone with the other Harleys.
• Harleys don't care if you are late.
• You don't have to take a shower before riding your Harley.
• It's always OK to use tie downs on your Harley.
• If your Harley doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
• You can't get diseases from a Harley you don't know very well.
• If you get rid of your Harley it doesn't get to keep half of your stuff.
• If you leave town you don't have to worry if your Harley is letting somebody else ride it.
• You can trade your Harley in for a newer model without paying alimony.
• Your Harley doesn't mind if you play with it in public.
• Your Harley has an off switch.
• You can totally ignore your Harley as long as you want.
• Your Harley won't get offended if you suggest bigger, aftermarket headlights.
• You know exactly how much your Harley is going to take out of your checking account each month.
• Your Harley doesn't expect foreplay
• Your Harley doesn't want to snuggle after a ride.
• People envy your Harley more the older it gets.
• You can get your Harley hot and ready with 2 minutes of sitting on your butt.
• Your Harley doesn't mind waiting outside while you go into a strip club.
• If you don't want your Harley anymore, it's not illegal to sell it.
• You can Bore & Stroke it in public & no one cares!
• Harleys don't mind having two riders at the same time.

^top

Why Harleys Are Better Than Men

• A Harley can go for more than one ride in an hour. 

• Harleys never develop spare tires. 

• Harleys last longer.

• Harleys don't get you pregnant.

• A Harley doesn't care what time of month it is.

• Harleys don't have parents.

• Your Harley will let you know if something is wrong.

• Your Harley won't judge your friends.

• If your Harley is boisterous, you can buy a muffler.

• You won't have to put your Harley through grad school.

• If your Harley smokes you can do something about it.

• Harleys don't care about how many other Harleys you have ridden.

• When riding, you and your Harley both arrive at the same time.

• One Harley will satisfy you every time.

• Your Harley won't ogle other Harleys.

• Your Harley won't care if you have a poster of your fantasy Harley.

• If your Harley has high mileage, you can just get a new one.

• Harleys don't care about breast size.

• If your Harley is too soft you can get new shocks.

• If your Harley is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

• You don't have to drink beer before your Harley looks appealing.

• You can be proud of your Harley regardless of the model.

• You don't have to go to Tiffany's to register your Harley.

• Your Harley won't beat you or try to make you feel inferior.

• You can ride a Harley as long as you want and it won't get limp.

• Your parents won't keep in touch with your old Harley after you dump it.

• Harleys always feel like going for a ride when you do.

• Harleys don't insult you if you are a novice.

• Your Harley never wants a night out alone with the other Harleys.

• Harleys don't make you late.

• You don't have to primp before riding your Harley.

• Your Harley won't complain when you use protection.

• If your Harley doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

• You can't get a disease from a Harley.

• Your Harley won't care if you fake it.

• Harleys are always ready to stop when you are.

• Your Harley has a built in vibrator.

• Your Harley doesn't have to show off in front of other Harleys.

• Your Harley won't lie to you.

• Your Harley doesn't care how heavy you are.

• In the morning, your Harley won't poke you in the back when it wants to go for a ride.

• Your Harley won't shrink when it's cold.

• If your Harley can't fire up, you can just replace the battery.

• You don't have to cook for your Harley.

• Your Harley can't ride around behind your back.

• If your Harley is cold you can choke it.

• Your Harley is always the right size because if it seems too small you can just get a new one.

• You can keep photos of your old Harleys.

• Your Harley would rather go for a ride than watch sports.

• Your Harley can go for multiple rides.

• Harleys don't need pick-up lines.

• You only have to ride your Harley when you want to.

• Your Harley won't go for rides by itself.

• If baldness occurs, you can replace the tires.

• Harleys don't snore.

• Your Harley will never leave you or break your heart!

^top

Drunken Biker

At closing time, he saw one of the bikers stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, & try his keys on five different bikes before he found his. Then, sat on the bike fumbling around several minutes, looking as if he might pass out right there. Everyone left the bar and rode off. 

Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the biker, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The biker  replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

^top

Old Lady Biker

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.  So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.  The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke.  I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." 

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times." 

^top

Oh....The Reasons to Ride/Own a Harley

1. They're made in North America. Most of their components, anyway.
2. They're loud (or they can be with a little help).
3. They're beautiful.
4. Everyone wants to own one.
5. There are thousands of accessories available, so you can make your Harley uniquely yours.
6. They can be painted outrageous colors, with strange murals, and no one thinks they look terrible or silly. They just look like Harleys.
7. Even an old, beaten up one looks good.
8. They have a long, rich history and heritage.
9. Everyone recognizes a Harley.
10. You can get a Harley tattoo.
11. You can get a Harley bumper sticker.
12. They hold their value, most of it, even years later.
13. There are songs about riding Harleys. There are even collections of Harley music on CD.
14. You can buy a fully-dressed Harley with a radio; comfy seats with armrests; a big, useful windshield; solid saddle bags and a trunk, and no one thinks you're an old fart when you ride it.
15. You never have to wonder how to spend your extra money.
16. You always know there's something appropriate you can give as a gift to a Harley rider.
17. You can join a HOG chapter, wear a patch and pretend you're a one-percenter on weekend rides, then go back to your real life on week days without getting into serious trouble.
18. An old Harley rusting in a barn is probably still worth something to someone.
19. When your Harley is stored away for the winter, you never feel ridiculous when you go to the garage to sit on it or polish a little chrome.
20. When you say you're going to clean the bike, your spouse will always know what you're up to for the next few hours and not have to worry.
21. It can make you smile on a bad day.
22. It gives the local police a way to earn their salaries and keeps them wondering if you're a bad-ass biker or maybe really an influential judge or lawyer under those leathers.
23. It gives you the opportunity to try out every metal polish and auto cleaner in the hardware store.
24. Every man's second childhood is more fun on a Harley.
25. Even a small Harley is a big bike.
26. You don't have to wear a lime-green and purple leather body suit to ride a Harley.
27. You're more willing to go out and pick up milk and the newspaper if you can ride to the store on your Harley.
28. You can wear a Harley cap and not look as silly as 99 per cent of people who wear baseball caps (except of course backwards, which immediately identifies you as a dweeb regardless of the brand name... Remember: people who can't figure out which way a hat goes on are also poor prospects for mates.).
29. Unlike sport bikes, you don't need to visit your chiropractor after riding a Harley for more than 15 minutes.
30. You never have to explain or apologize for your choice or ride.
31. No one ever asks you to race them.
32. There's something infinitely satisfying about that big-twin rumble.
33. You always have something to talk about with other Harley riders.
34. You can always find an after-market part for any Harley, no matter how old it is.
35. The chrome is on all the right parts, but you can always add more or take some off and it still looks good.
36. If you own two Harleys, people get even more jealous than if you have just one.
37. They have only one carburetor to adjust.
38. They're always in style.
39. If you ride another motorcycle at 40, people think you're either crazy or haven't grown up. If you ride a Harley at 40, people think you're young at heart and have style.
40. Harley riders always have something to talk about at parties.
41. Sure you can ride other motorcycles to Daytona and Sturgis, but why?
42. Women riding Harleys look sexy, confident and independent.
43. Cleaning your bike becomes an act of love and respect - almost worship - with a Harley.
44. Harley riders have a better sex life. Honest!
45. Harley riders are recognized worldwide. Wear a Harley cap or T-shirt anywhere in the world and someone will walk up and talk to you about your bike.
46. People can argue endlessly about the technical advantages and ergonomics of other motorcycles, but when it's all been said, Harley riders get on their bikes and ride away with a smile.
47. Harley riders always have a wrench handy to loan someone.
48. Harley riders never have to worry about their Harley-riding friends asking to borrow money.
49. Harley riders learn to say 'No' early to people who ask to borrow their bike. This skill is useful when dealing with sales people, Jehovah's Witnesses and children.
50. Harley riders always turn heads going through the center of town.
51. Harley riders don't have to worry about their bikes being outdated by new technology.
52. Long-term marriages are safer with a Harley because the husband will be too preoccupied with the bike to bother meeting other women. And the wife always knows where hubby is when he's not in the house... he's in the garage, polishing something or out riding around town showing off.
53. When someone ask "What do you ride," everyone understands "Harley." They don't care what the model is. If you tell them a GSX... or a CBR... or an Intruder... or an ST100... or any of these makes, you have to explain who makes it and what kind of bike it is. Note the eyes of your audience glazing over...
54. You meet more people at bike shows and rallies who ride Harleys.
55. Speed doesn't matter on a Harley.
56. Harleys even make good rat bikes.
57. You can ride a Harley in rodeo and field day competitions at bike rallies (try riding a sport bike in the barrel push... or the weenie bite).
58. If you want speed and power, you can buy a Buell and still have a Harley. And when people ask you what it is and you tell them, they get a wonderful look of amazement and say things like "Gee, I didn't know they made one like that..."
59. There are more Harley riders at any gathering than any other bike rider.
60. Harley still offers demos and test rides.
61. No matter that he rode a 1953 Triumph Thunderbird in his role, everyone still believes Marlon Brando rode a Harley in the movie The Wild One. Harley makes its own mythology.
62. When you do the wave to another Harley on the highway, they wave back.
63. Every other issue aside, Harley takes pride in its people, and its people take pride in Harley. Harley Davidsons aren't built on a faceless assembly line that cranks out motorcycles by the ton, it isn't just a product pumped out for consumption. It's made by people who care, for people who believe in it.
64. You get more grins per mile, even in the rain!
65. You don’t need to understand "double overhead cam's" to maintain them.
66. Harley riders understand that if you have 2 Harleys you are not rich, if you have 2 Harleys, you have no money at all! (Applies to some)
67. Non-Harley riders will never borrow your tools...no metric!
68. Harley Davidsons feel better than any other bike. You can feel the rumble pulse through you as you ride.
69. You don't have to drop the engine out to work on it.
70. You can find any style of seat for every year.
71. You can build one from the ground-up, and everyone thinks its cool.
72. If you have to ask or have it explained, you wouldn't understand.
73. They can get you laid!
74. The older you are the better; the idle helps keep your pacemaker synchronized...
75. Simply put, "They're big, they're bad, and they look good!!!!!
76. So you can have nice, wide, soft seat to fit your old, wide, soft butt
77. When people ask "Isn't there a waiting list?", you can tell them "Yeah, I waited 33 years and 9 Jap bikes"
78. Help keep your neighbors from sleeping away their whole weekend
79. You can do your part to keep the highways properly lubricated
80. Lots of extra protein from those bug hits while rollin' on and smilin' wide.
81. Remember those old-time vibrating excercise belt machines? Think of all the flab you can shake off just going to the grocery store.
82. Let's just think of them as the Winnebago of motorcycles -- room for everything you ever wanted to bring along... and then some.
83. It's a piece of physical fitness equipment -- you have to make sure that you are in shape, just in case you ever have to stand it back up.
84. You don't have to explain your mid-life crisis in detail -- "got a Harley" will suffice nicely.
85. If someone cuts in front of you in traffic, then sees you in the mirror, you have the "Biker on a Harley" intimidation factor on your side.
86. If you get stuck in boring business meetings, you can always think about that stretch of back road with the big sweeping turns.
87. "Honey, it's economical -- gets GREAT gas mileage!"
88. You can putz along at 20MPH, and still look dangerous.
89. If things got bad, you could melt it down and have enough iron to build a locomotive.
90. Think of it as "dry cleaning" for your brain -- hop on and do a few miles, and it's amazing how much clearer things are.
91. You have a great excuse to wear really old jeans - "He rides a Harley" explains it all.
92. You get to hear that neat "plop" sound that comes as their jaws hit the pavement.
93. Relieve eye strain and muscle tension -- crank it up and shake 'em around for a while.
94. When someone asks what color it is, you can answer "mostly chrome"! 
95. Because you've wanted on since you were 10 years old, and that was ages ago.

^top

You Know You're A Biker When...

 You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer.
 Your girl follows you to the party with the car so you can take more beer.
 Your best friends are named after animals.
 You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
 Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbed wire.
 You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.
 You're only sunburned on the back of your hands.
 You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe it off.
 You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
 Any day you ride is a good day.
 Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.
 You get hit by a Taxi, slide 80 yards and ride the bike home 30 miles with a fractured hip.
 You've been too drunk to piss but not too drunk to ride your bike home.
 Your three-piece suits are Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket.
 You don't think it's a good party till someone rides his Harley into the living room.
 You think Tequila is a sex aid.
 You wake up next to your girl and your first thought is if your bike will start.
 Your garage has more square footage than your house.
 Your coffee table collapses from the weight of motorcycle magazines on it.
 You throw a party and more bikes show up than cars.
 All your ashtrays are pistons from your last engine rebuild.

^top

Some Lines To Use When You Get Stopped By A Cop 

1)   Hey Buddy  Ya need a cold one?
2)   Ain't you that guy from The Village People?
3)   Have I been drinking?  You're the detective. You tell me!
4)   Do I know why you stopped me?  Well, from the looks of you I'd say you're shaking people down for donut money!
5)   Hey!  Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on 'Cops'?
6)   Race ya to the station?
7)   If I get in the car, can I work the siren?
8)   You'll never get those cuffs on me, you weenie!
9)   Bet I can get that gun outta your holster before you can stop me
10) Hey...just write the dang ticket.  The liquor store closes in 20 minutes!

^top

Wisdom

When I was young I used to pray for a Harley. Then I realised that God doesn't 
work that way. So I stole a Harley and prayed for forgiveness.

^top

CPR

The cop pushed through the crowd at the scene of the accident to see a blonde and a young man having passionate sex tight at the center of the road and demanded to know what was going on.

^top

5 Bikers

Five bikes walked into the bar, ordered their drinks and suggested that lone drinker at the end of the bar should pay. When he refused they punched him up and threw him out of the pub.

“He wasn’t much of a fighter,” said one of the bikies to the barman.

^top

Most of these stuffs are found on the net from someone, somewhere who also found them on the net so I really do not know the origin.  If anyone knows where some of these came from, do let me know.