Life With "Mommy Dearest"
The Stormy years
~*~StarDancer ~*~
Fights Back
Finally my time with
the nuns ended...three years of my life was spent with them...three long
, angry years...but at last I was at home...Mama had told those nuns to
break my spirit but it didn't happen...Mama never realized I was a lot
stronger than she could ever imagine.All the abuse had really made me stronger
and more determined than ever to break her hold on me.There was a storm
abrewin' as they say!
I had such a rage
growing inside me..a rage I didn't know what to do with.I retreated into
music and dance...I would cut my music on and drift into another world...and
dance myself into exhaustion.I had to find any outlet I could to escape.
I was in high school
now..a teen...hormones raging...mood swings...not an easy person to get
along with.I didn't really have many friends, I really only had one ,Janey,and
she was the best friend anyone could have..we were partners in crime.Of
course mama didn't like her...mama never liked anyone I did.
I did have one other
friend...drugs...I had done pot...but mostly I was into huffing lighter
fluid..can you believe that..it is a wonder I have any brain at all...it
would make me hallucinate..and I would lock myself in my room and huff
away while listening to music...mostly underground stuff nobody had heard
of.
It was the height
of the 60's and I was a flower child...I hated the war and the "establishment".I
balked against everything it stood for.I hated all the school politics...the
Homecoming Queen...the pep rallies..the cliques of perfect kids from perfect
families..it made me sick...Mama wasn't very happy with me..we clashed
at every turn...I grew stronger and stronger in standing up to her..I hated
her...I loved her ...I wanted her to love me...I wanted her to leave me
alone...I wanted to die.
I spent a lot of time
thinking about death...talking about death...I became obsessed with it...I
spent as much time as I could hanging out in graveyards...and wearing all
black...I hated color...I hated being alive.
Mama spent time obsessing
as to whether I was having sex or not...she would even make me go to the
doctor to make sure I was "intact".What was funny I could care
less about sex. But she would go into her frenzies and scream at me calling
me a slut and a whore.I was a virgin. Mama painted a grusome picture as
to what sex was about...I didn't really care that much..there was too many
other things to get into.
Mama used to do one
thing with me that I enjoyed...and that was working the Ouija board...I
loved anything having to do with mysteries...oddities...or the occult.We
would play with the ouija for hours...something I realize now was a very
dangerous thing for me to do...it opened the door to the many to the many
problems I was to have later in life.
Most of the my teen
years were spent in constant fights with mama..it was all building to a
head...it was building up to something bad...one night mama was holding
court as I called it...she spent most of her time in bed...she had had
three heart attacks and had to have lots of bed rest...she never watched
her diet and smoked three packs of cigarettes a day..a chain smoker...and
drank coffee like there was no tomorrow.And boy did she capitalize on this...Everytime
she was upset with me she would grab her heart.. a real drama queen...anyway..here
she was holding court like I said...with some of her friends around ...and
I wanted to go somewhere...she being in one of her moods said , "Over
my dead body"....I replied, coldly..."That can be arranged"
and walked out of the room..by this time I was practicing witchcraft...I
went to my room and cast a spell on her..I wanted her out of my life...for
good...I couldn't take it anymore..it had to be either her or me...
Well later that night
we got into it again over some silly thing...and she started screaming
for my dad...she screamed that I was killing her..that I had cast a spell
on her...mama always believed there was always something wrong with me...even
to the point of bringing a Catholic priest over to exorcise my room...well
she really worked herself into a frenzy...daddy was getting ready to take
her to the hospital...he carried her out the door..and as they were going
out she made him stop...He turned with her in his arms...she pointed at
me..and looked me dead in the eyes and screamed ..."I'll get you...you
little bitch...I'll be back to get you...mark my words...I will get you""
I just stood there...I wouldn't put it past her.
I was sitting on my
bed while daddy was at the hospital with mama...they had been gone about
an hour...and suddenly out of nowhere this cat was on the bed...we didn't
have a cat...it just sat there..washing it's paws..then it disappeared. But
I knew what this meant...it meant mama was dead.
By this time daddy
had come home...alone...he looked strange..."Daddy?"...I asked..."She's
gone" he replied...I just stood there not knowing what to think...I
don't think I really comprehended that this could really happen...I was
just mad at her.At the same time I felt free...little did I know...mama
would haunt me for a long time to come.
I felt bad for daddy...but
we didn't have a great relationship either..he was the one who gave the
beatings mama ordered done...at times I hated him too.The beatings were
frequent and violent...sometimes blood would run down my legs...I had even
gone to high school with black eyes..it was humiliating ....and always
the black and blue welts that burned all the way to my soul...they will
never know how much those beatings hurt me...I was already feeling so rejected...the
beatings humiliated me...and made me feel helpless.
Once..I came home
a few minutes late...daddy would always meet me at the door and would make
me come through the door and then would smack me hard in the back of the
head...but this time ..I don't know what set him off...but he threw me
to the floor and climbed over top of me and grabbed my throat and started
strangling me...I was terrified...I screamed and screamed...help...help...I
screamed for God...a god I wasn't sure existed..or even cared....the nuns
had shown him to be an angry old man with a long grey beard..who marked
down all the horrid things one did...finally daddy stopped...he mocked
me...you don't believe in God...he isn't going to help you..I felt so alone.
I started building
walls around myself...I grew more and more hateful...and lonely. My theme
song was Simon and Garfunkle's : " I Am A Rock" my
poetry grew more and more dark..talk of demons...hate ...death...my dreams
grew cruler ..and cruler...it got to where I didn't want to go to sleep
at night.
I stayed in school
awhile longer...but I didn't really try...I really got deeper into drugs
now...speed...LSD...whatever I was offered...anything to dull the pain
and torment.And I got deeper and deeper into the occult...along with many
other things....I had discovered I liked women...not as friends but lovers...though
I only had one real lover...she was a witch...one I would have died for...I
lived to see her..she taught me much...and turned me on to The Satanic
Bible...I was smitten.
I hated myself...and
everyone around me...all I wanted was to turn into a bug so someone would
squash me...if there was a God...he must have hated me too. So if he hated
me ...I hated him too! I did a ceremony to sell my soul to the devil in
exchange for power...I threw myself into this new world...I was a swift
learner...deeper and deeper I went.
When I turned 17 I
decided to go to California...daddy let me go...he figured he couldn't
stop me once I made up my mind...I was tired of getting hit...anything
had to be better...the streets had to be better.
So sleeping bag ,
backpack and duffle bag in tow..off I went...afraid of nothing...looking
for adventure...I had a place to go...but I didn't really know the girl.
I had answered the ad in the LA Free Press for a roomate for a bisexual
female.
I got to LA and connected
with Darlene...I was to live right in the middle of Hollywood...a wild
place to be sure...I had entered a whole new world...I was a sponge ...soaking
up everything...my new lifestyle was exciting...Darlene and I were lovers
for awhile...but ...I didn't do relationships well I was to discover...My
past was cropping up to bite me in the butt.
I began to run the
streets...just sticking out my thumb and getting in whatever car struck
my fancy...and going wherever they took me ..I didn't care anymore...I
got a quick education..one I could never have gotten from the nuns.
I was a natural psychic
and could read the Tarot cards...so I went to this health food restauraunt
on Sunset...and they let me sit at a table and tell fortunes...I made enough
to live on...I got deeper and deeper into the occult...
Then one night I was
coming home from my wanderings ...I was about a block away...when suddenly
a car pulled up beside me ...I tried to ignore them...I kept walking ...when
all of a sudden a man jumped out and before I could react he had grabbed
me with a knife to my throat...and pulled me into the car with 4 or 5 other
men...I was terrified...they took me out to what turned out to be San Bernadino
State Park...I had never been there before...I didn't know what to expect...then
they pulled into some trees..and stopped the car...all attention turned
to me...they were ugly ,coarse men...big...muscular..they could really
hurt me...I had a bad feeling...I won't go into the horrid details...but
I was there for hours...repeatedly raped and tortured..but I never once
screamed...I wouldn't give them that pleasure. I was cold as ice..I hated
them...one man hadn't touched me...they said it was his turn...he looked
at me..there was fear and a softness...He whispered, "I don't want
to do this to you,they will kill me if I don't"...I knew I could get
away...if I could just get outside...I had a plan...I told them I had to
pee....they let me out of the car..and told the one guy who hadn't touched
me for him to take me on the ground...well right as the others turned their
backs to get some liquor...I bolted like a deer in a fire..I didn't know
where I was...but it was like a voice cut on inside my head...the voice
told me which way to go....go right here ...go left here...then..just as
I got away I heard their car start..it went the opposite way.. then about
2 minutes later I heard a gunshot....I ended up at a neighborhood...I went
behind houses...then as I was up on a porch....the voice told me run straight
across the street...scream as loud as I could...and stay right at that
house....I started to run..straight across the street...just as the voice
told me...as soon as I got halfway across the street..suddenly from each
side of me came two of those men.
I was terrified...they
just about caught me...one of them had the blade...the other a gun...a
scream that ripped out of the depths of my soul..a scream that seemed like
it wasn't me...I went blank..next thing I knew a light...a beautiful bright
light came on...the porch light went on...a man came out ...with a shotgun..he
saw me...I was covered in blood...no underwear...I was shivering...I felt
so small...so scared..he led me inside...his wife cleaned me up...they
put a blanket around me...he said the men were still out there..they weren't
going to let me go without a fight...he called the police..they finally
came...I was safe...at least my body was..It took awhile to realize how
damaged my mind was.
I was numb...what
do I do next...well a month went by...two months...no period...I was pregnant
by those creeps...God does it ever end...I was sick as a dog..I had never
been so sick in my life...I wanted to go home..anything was better than
this..
Daddy sent me a plane
ticket...I came home...he was cold...the police had called him since I
was underage..he said nothing about it at the time...but I was to later
learn..he thought I deserved it...and that it wasn't rape...I was a whore.He
didn't know I was pregnant yet.
I finally told him..it
went over like a ton of bricks...it was like he hated me...one night..I
was cooking for him and he got angry at how I was cooking something...and
he pushed me up against the wall...and punched me in my stomach several
times...he was so angry...I grabbed a kitchen knife..and yelled..."Get
away from me...or so help me I'll kill you..no man will ever touch me again"...he
moved real quick...He knew I meant business.