A Soul In Torment

This is where Stardancer's story really gets dark. Where my soul hits the bottom of the pit.There has been so much pain...so much anger....a loss of one's self worth...where bitterness has set in...and revenge...a point where one's soul can't take anymore...a state of constant torment...all that is left is the anger and hatred...but more of one's self than anything or anyone else...a place where a soul turns on its self in destruction.

With mama dead now...I was free to do whatever I wanted...back from California...living at home with daddy,I could come and go as I pleased.

I would stay out all hours...after I lost the baby...I spent most of my time in gay bars...I immersed myself in the dark arts...I had contempt for everyone...I lived to prey on the innocent...I had entered the dark world of S and M...I was a cruel mistress...I hated men...and would get even...women I didn't trust...I was alone in my dark world.

I got deeper into drugs...sex became an addiction...yet I hated sex...I was stone cold...I used sex as a weapon...to hurt...manipulate...humiliate.I became the very thing I hated.

I tried the gay world...but wasn't accepted there...I tried the straight world...I wasn't accepted there...where did I fit in...inside the child cried for love...someone please...just love me...I longed for touch...someone just to hold me ...tell me everything would be alright...but I was unloveable.

I became a strange creature...a true creature of darkness...I hung out in graveyards...slept in the day...came out in the night to go to the dark part of the city where only other creatures of the night existed...I wore only black...and a cape of black with blood red satin lining...I became obsessed with anything dark in nature...I was violent ...in my mind I was passionate...I loved to instill fear in my "victims".

Life...if you could call it that went on like this for quite awhile...I was a sponge soaking up knowledge of the dark arts...my nightmares got worse and worse...I loved the night...I hated the night...I longed to be free..free from all the pain...free from myself...

I had very few friends...evryone was afraid of me...I wanted to move on..do something..have a fresh start...I moved to Atlanta, Ga...with a friend ...had a good job waiting for me...got a really nice apartment...I started having fun...but that was to be short lived...again my past jumped out at me and bit me on the butt ....I started my destuctive behavior all over again...something in me just couldn't be happy.

I picked up a handsome young man in a gay bar..took him home...he stayed with me for awhile...then things turned nasty...violent...he had hit me...he had hit the wrong woman...I fought back..it turned really bloody...then he got hold of a chrome table leg...and swung at my head...blood gushed everywhere...I went to my friends apartment...trailing blood ...I wanted a gun...he wouldn't give me his...I had scared the daylights out of him...I went back downstairs...the guy was still there...I told him get out...I was becoming weaker and weaker...I got a knife...a steak knife..He was so beautiful physically...I wanted to scar him...he would remember me...I got his face 2 or 3 times..I don't remember..right after that he ran...all I remember next was being in the hospital...having a plate in my head...in intensive care not being able to see...coming in and out of consciousness...I think I was there for a week...God the head aches...I had a concussion...and a chunk of skull broke out...my friend told me you could see my brain.from the hole in my head...the doctor was amazed I was alive...I never knew I had such a will to live.

I lost my job...I couldn't work...I was sick...and dizzy all the time...depression set in...my life was under a dark cloud from this time on...How can someone want to live so bad ...yet want to be so dead...it was driving me crazy.

Paranoia set in...I trusted no one...I heard voices...everything was so out of sync...I entered the world of madness.I thought it was normal...I ,lived in a dark world all my own...very few tried to enter...

I commited myself...I knew something wasn't quite right in one of my moments of lucidity...so life in the mental hospital began...I was put on major drugs...mostly to curb my violence...I was like a wounded animal...I was hard to deal with.

I knew there was something more...but what?

Slowly but surely I ended up in a halfway house...life was not easy...you live around so many others with problems of all sorts...one night a young man killed another man there..the one who did the killing had been in my room that very day...it could have easily been me.

There was a lady there..who tried so hard to help me...she was a Christian...I hated her...I loved her...there was a bond between us...I wanted out of the mess I had gotten myself into...but how...I just knew I was going to meet a violent end.

I hated Christians...I had seen the hypocrasy...I hated God..I hated myself...besides after all I had done ...I could never be forgiven...I could never forgive myself...I drowned out all feeling...but I wanted to feel...I used to cut myself with razors...just to feel...not enough to leave permanent scars...mostly my fingers...just to see the blood run...to know I was alive...

She told me God loved me...I spit in her face...she said no matter what I did she would love me...yeah right...I put that woman through a test of faith she probably never expected...but she passed with flying colors...I started putting down the defenses...really talking with her...I just couldn't believe what she had to say...I had never heard anything like it.Not the way she told it...I wanted what she had.

The problems really began..there was a war going on inside my head...How could I ever get out of this mess...it took me years to get into...She was confident...and so sure of her God...I was never sure of mine...

In case you didn't figure it out ...I was a Satanist...I was a vampire...I was pure evil clothed in flesh...and it was no game for me...I was deadly.

I had entered hell on earth...the torment in my soul was immense...it was as if my very soul was being tortured at night by the voices and nightmares that took me places no human belongs...and by day when I realized I didn't belong here.

When I was being offered a chance to escape all the torment and have a normal life..it made matters worse than ever...but it made me determined to check out this God.

The God of my childhood was cruel...if you did one thing wrong you were sentenced to hell...and since my life was already hell...what did I have to lose...I couldn't understand...yet a spark of hope grew in my spirit...a chance for love...me ...the unloveable....the castaway my own father and mother didn't want...how ...how could this be.

The torment in my soul raged...then one day...I ran to the lady o.k...I give up..what do I have to do...I was terrified...I felt the building would crush me..how dare I call on God....but the child in me cried out...what do I say...my mind was in turmoil...what is happening to me..."GOD!!! HELP ME!!!!PLEASE!!! "I screamed from the depths of my being...I collasped on the floor...I cried tears I thought I had forgotten how to cry..What was happening...the confusion.

The Soul Cries Out: A Time of Searching and Growing

page created 5/13/97

page updated 8/9/97

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"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...You must do the thing you cannot do.

~ Eleanor Rooosevelt

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