My Soul Cries Out

A Time of Searching and Growth

I had truly begun my spiritual search...where was God...what else was there...my brain was so messed up...confusion ruled...I wanted peace...I was a child of the 60's..did we not espouse peace...what was it...for me just to silence the screaming in my head would have been heaven.

That day in the kitchen of the halfway house...I had begun my quest to find God...I needed help..help no human could offer...I was damaged more than I or anyone else could imagine.

It was the beginning of the longest ...hardest journey I had ever begun...I first had to claw my way back to sanity...I was on many medications to help quiet the voices and hallucinations...drugs that all but turned me into a zombie.I think that day was the beginning of a new life for me...somehow...I didn't realize it then...but my agonizing cries had reached God's ears...and He answered.

I found people in my life who wanted to help me...who were willing to help me put back the pieces of my life...I didn't understand a lot...oh the dark ways I understood perfectly...but the ways of God were alien to me...it was like being a baby and having to learn all over again...everything from step one...

This was truly a time of learning for me...I fought tooth and nail against it all...but I knew I couldn't go back...to go back now would be death...all I could do was go forward...and believe me I stumbled and fell a lot.But somewhere in my heart I knew I had made the right decision...to turn away from the darkness...face the light and follow that light.

I didn't understand it at all..oh I knew who Jesus was from my Catholic upbringing...but I was more familiar with Mary..or Angels...or saints....And most of the people I dealt with spouted a lot of scripture...I didn't understand it...it was all just words...they spoke love...peace...joy...things I wanted...but it all eluded me...there was no light from the sky...no deep voiced being speaking like Charlton Heston...no dramatic sudden changes...people spoke of a new creature I would become...I just couldn't see it...I had all the same old problems...but something was different...I couldn't put my finger on it..

I ended up going to Jesus People U.S.A. ,and stayed there awhile...it wasn't easy there...but it was like a family for me...things started getting better...it was a slow process for me...God knew what he was doing...I couldn't see it then but in hindsight things became clearer...it all was a learning thing for me. I had to lerarn to put all the garbage behind me...I had to learn to forgive...not only others but myself...the hardest thing for me. I realize that day when I cried out to God from the deepths of my soul...he gave me a gift...a heart of flesh...all the walls came crashing down...all the defenses...I could feel again...It seemed like I never stopped crying...it hurt..but this was a different hurt...it was raw...I was a walking wound...open..God wanted to heal me.

I stayed at Jesus people almost a year...but daddy was sick..and I felt I needed to come home...he had noone else...well this opened up a can of worms...they didn't want me to leave...and if I did it was "against God's will"...welcome to the world of manipulation in God's name...I was told if I left I was reprobate(beyond all hope) and I would go to hell...my faith was so fragile ...but I knew it was the right thing for me to do to go home to help daddy...so I went.

A couple of months later a group of the people in the Jesus people band came to the town where I lived...I went to talk with them..I just couldn't handle the rejection...I had tried to call..to write but they wouldn't respond...I got to talk to the leader...Glenn...but he was rude and cold...I tried a couple of others...the same treatment...I was devastated...I railed against God...I thought it was His fault...I was in for one of the biggest lessons in my life...don't judge God because of what people do...even in his name...man will let you down everytime...in this flesh we are fallen creatures...but we are here to grow...and we have all fallen short of our potential that God has for us.

I turned back to the darkness...if I was to be damned then it would be for some reason...I got into the Necronomicon...a book straight from the pit of hell...I used it...I wanted more power...I cursed God.

I turned to punk rock...I wanted to be as ugly as my heart felt..I was called Lydia Leather...I wore torn clothes...my hair dyed shocking pink...another time a skunk...black on the sides...a white stripe in the center...anything wild...rebellious..I wanted part of...I smoked like crazy..and reigned as queen in a local aternative music store...I had my groupies...we had Friday night as rave night...a local bar let us take over...we were wild ...we were political...we were Lost!

So long as the music blared...and we were all together life seemed good...we had fun..we terrorized the town...people thought that insanity reigned the streets...we were on Tv...we were on the radio...we were in the newspaper...funny there was only truly a few of us...but we were a vocal lot...

but it was all to be short lived...the nightmares started again...horrendous ones...I knew in my heart I had done the wrong thing...going back to the dark side.But what could I do?

I lived a fun life on one level...on another the torture in my soul grew...the acceptance with the punks was only a bandaid...I wanted more...something was different...Was I truly a new creature.

One night when I ptayed...I prayed God please..if you love me hold on to me with all your might...don't let me go...I have a tendency to to not stay in one place...I run when I most want to stay...He honored that...I felt a tug in my heart...come back...

I was Mama to those kids at the shop...I helped feed them...give them a shoulder to cry on...made sure they went to the clinic when they came down with clap or whatever weird thing they would pick up.

I ended up going to England..for a visit to my pen pal there...he had asked me to marry him...a dream come true...I went to visit his family...wonderful people...they took me to see the moors..I had always wanted to see the moors (old horror movies buff)...I ate traditional English food...Iwas treated like royalty...but he was 10 years younger than me..and really wanted to li9ve in America...I wanted to live in England...that was the end of that...but he waited til a month after I got back to tell me.

By this time I had received a calling...it had been tugging at me for years but I didn't know what it was...I ended up going to study to be a minister...I loved talking with people and good advice came naturally to me...people opened up to me and told me their darkest secrets...like they were wanting me to absolve them or something..I took this part of my life very seriously..I never betrayed a trust.I was starting to grow...God called me back...and accepted me like the prodigal daughter I was...I had done so much in my life...I had the morals of an alley cat...but that was all changing.

I was celebate for about 2 years...I had made a decision not to have sex anymore..it was too painful emotionally...I felt so empty...I just enjoyed my friends and spent time trying to help where I could.

I had met a young man when I first got back to town...he looked a troubador from another time...his name was Dennis...little did I know ...this was my soul mate...he was involved with another woman...they had a baby...I really hadn't given him much thought except as a friend...I used to visit their house...she was cruel to him...he was a sensitive person...I told her she was going to lose a good thing if she kept that up...turns out to have been prophetic...a while down the road...they split up...he continued to come visit at the shop...we would talk.

Meanwhile he had moved into a horrible neighborhood...a very dangerous one...one that his friends were afraid to go visit him in...he was so lonely and depressed....I felt so bad...I recognized pain when I saw it..and he was in pain.

Well...come around Christmas time he had moved again..this time to a trailer...he invited me for Christmas dinner...he would cook it...I was floored...I went...he was a good cook...I never wanted to leave...not because of his cooking...but I had never felt so comfortable with someone...I was smitten...

We ended up moving in together..just as roomates to help each other out...I never wanted to leave...January 15th , he asked me to marry him...February 15 th we were wed...we came back to the trailer for our honeymoon...and just saqt there...what had we done...there were no fireworks...no big romance...just comfortable old shoes...and it felt good...I didn't really know how to love...I wanted to...I have never had such unconditional love in my life...he knew my past...everything! And he still loved me.When he held me...I have never felt so safe ...so secure...I loved him madly..

Two years later I was to have a daughter...I had never wanted children...and even had to have an operation to get pregnant...I was 35..it was the pregnancy from hell...I was so sick..I ended up with toxemia...I had to have total .bed rest..what was I thinking...but God had healed me so much...I thought I could handle it.

I had a little preemie 3 lbs.14 oz., so tiny...we had to put her in doll clothes....but as I had her I went almost out of my mind..I had flashbacks of being raped..it was awful...but the truth finally came out...all that time I was having such a hard time ...I was suffering from Post-Traumatic Delayed Stress Syndrome...I never knew...now the healing could really start.

I went into therapy...I had a wonderful doctor..he gave me 6 months of free treatment...we worked hard...going back to the beginning...I would come home and eat chocolate like crazy...after each session...I felt better and better...at last I could function.

I grew closer and closer to God...I had a beautiful daughter...a wonderful husband...this is not to say we lived life happily ever after...not by a long shot...we fought like cats and dogs...but we stayed together..we had done everything right...we waited til our honeymoon to consumate our relationship..it was beautiful...but when real life takes over...pow.

We had both come in the relationship with a lot of emotional baggage...but we made a decision no matter what we would stick it out...I am so glad we did...it was work...but here it is 13 years later and we are more in love than ever...we now have the fireworks...my past is so far behind me...My husband and I are in ministry together...feeding the homeless..clothing them...trying to help bind their wounds and give them hope..and a whole lotta love...God had filled my heart with so much love..he had cleaned me up...been patient with me...taught me a lot of hard lessons...and gave me a whole new life...

(This is my heart for you Dennis...you are the love of my life...Thank you for being there...I want the world to know how much I love you.You have been there for me through all the pain...you have given me so much joy...you are my husband...my lover...my best friend..I could have never made it out of that pit if it weren't for your love and encouragement.You will never have to buy me a diamond ring...you are my perfect diamond.I love you with all my being.

Page created 5/14/97

Page updated 8/11/97

StarDancer Is Born: A New Beginning

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