The agony of one mother's Love........
At 17 years old I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She
was everything that a mother could ask for in
a baby, bright, alert, and very healthy!
I was single and the babies father really did not want me
to have this baby. He offered to go with me
and stay with me while I had an abortion.
Being really young, I didn't know what to do. I had
not planned on becoming pregnant, what teen
does, but now that I was I was not going to abort my baby!
I knew that I was young and things would
not be easy , but I knew I
could do it , I knew I could raise my baby, with or without help!
All through my pregnancy, I had many people tell me what I should
or should not do. I was told I was to
young to raise a baby and that I should give it up for adoption.
However with a lot of determination I made it through the
pregnancy, and nine months later had my
beautiful little girl.
I went through the labor and birth alone, but it really wasn't too bad.
After the baby was born, my boyfriend came to see us, and
while there agreed to drive me home when it
was time for me to go home.
He did, he drove me home, or home as it was then ( my parents house).
I don't think that my parents were to happy
about me bringing a baby home, the shame of it all!
However I persisted, and did the best I could.
My boyfriend and I started dating again, and after
several months decided to live together. We did so, and
made out ok, but we did fight a lot! But oh
how I loved him!
Then I had the opportunity to go and visit with my
grand-mother, so I took the baby and went and
stayed with my grandmother for a couple of weeks.
When I returned home on the day I had planned, no one was
there to meet me, so I took a cab home.
When I walked into our apt. you could not tell that I had
ever lived there, the babies crib was hidden in
the closet, and all pictures and any reference
to us was gone, and my boyfriend was not there.
Being late at night, and me being exhausted, I just climbed
into bed and went to sleep. At around 3 in
the morning my boy friend came home,,,climbed into bed,,,,,and
well you get the picture. I was just to
exhausted to even say anything, however when I got up in
the morning, I had it out with him. In the end
of it all
he admitted to bringing a "friend" home. That was it, I packed up and left!
That was a very depressing time in my life, and spent a lot of time crying!
At about 4 months after I left I found out that I was pregnant again!
When I told my then ex-boyfriend he told me that it was not
his, and that he wanted nothing to do with
me or the baby.
So it was a go it alone trip for me! I did a lot of thinking
while I was pregnant, and being a very alone
and confused teenager of 19, I was not sure what was the
right road for me to follow. I really did not
have any friends anymore, they were all busy dating, and
doing teen-age stuff, my parents didn't have
anything to say, and never acknowledged the fact that I was pregnant
again! They never seemed to want
to talk about it! So I was left in almost solitary, to deal with this on
my own.
After much thinking I decided that probably the best thing
for me to do would be to give the new baby
up for adoption! This was a very hard and heart wrenching
decision for me to make, but one that I
thought was the best.
This way I would be able to give my daughter (I thought at
the time) more attention, and be more able
to afford the things she needed. The new baby, would have
a mom and a dad, and hopefully they would
be able to provide her with the things I could not!
Through-out the pregnancy I talked to the baby, telling
it how much I loved it, and how I hoped that
what I was doing was the best. I started making a blanket
for the baby, with hopes that I would be able
to give it to the social worker, to give to the family, for
them to give to the baby, so that the baby would
have something from me. I put all my love, and a part of
my soul into that blanket, and worked on it all
through my pregnancy.....
On July 27th, 1976 I went into labor, and on July 28th,
at 6:00 am my little darling was born. Its a
girl the doctor said, as he held my baby up for me to see.
The early morning sun cast a wonderful glow
all around my baby!
The next day the nurses wanted me to sign the adoption papers,,,,I
just wanted to hold my baby,,,, the
nurses told me that they did not think that it was
a good idea for me to hold my baby,,,,I told them
unless I got to hold my baby I was not signing any papers!
They relented, and brought me into a little
room and then brought my baby into me.
I just held her and stroked her little head, memorizing the
feel of her skin and hair. Just as I was about
to hand her back to the nurse, she opened her eyes and looked
at me!My heart melted to say the least! I
looked into those eyes and told her that I loved her, but
that I could not raise her, but that she would
have another mom and dad, but not to forget I loved her,
and not to forget me. Then the nurse took her
and walked out of the room, at that moment my heart broke.
The social worker would not give the blanket to the babies
new parents, he said "It's not right". So I
took the blanket home with me again.
Over the years I have cried a zillion tears, and every night
just before I went to sleep, I would talk to
my baby, telling her that I loved her, and that I missed her.
Then on December 20th, 1996 the phone rang.... Hi mom! It
was her!!! I was shocked, but very calm,
we talked for a long time, about
what I am not sure, just talked. Her name is Shelley Dawn.
On Jan.5th I seen my baby for the first time since
she was born! I went to her town to spend a week
with her. When I got off of the bus and went into the crowded
bus depot our eyes locked. We knew each
other immediately! We spent a glorious week together, and
yes I did count her toes! I also gave her the
very worn out baby blanket that I had made for her 20 years
earlier.( worn out because I used to hold
and rock the blanket as if she was it it)
Then she came here for a week to get to know the rest
of her family! It was so wonderful just sitting
back and watching,,,it felt so good just to have my family
back together again! I am now at peace with
myself, and for the first time since the nurse walked out
of the room with her, I feel complete!The part
of me that was missing has come home again!
She is moving to our town at the end of April, with her son.(yes
she has a baby too...1 year old Stephen,
my third grandchild, and first grandson).
Yes I have met her adoptive family, and they are wonderful
people. They are okay with the fact that
Shelley is moving here, and they know that I will never take Shelley
or Stephen away from them. Instead
of two separate families, we are now one big one!
Just a note:
I am now married to the most wonderful man! He is the most
caring, loving person I have ever know.
He is not only my husband but also my best friend! He understands
me and what I am about.I can tell
him anything, and he is always there for me.No matter
what the situation, he is there when help is
needed!He has over the years taken the little broken
pieces of me,and helped me, become a whole
person again.
I could continue typing for days and never be able to describe
what this man means to me!So let me
conclude with it is the most peaceful love I have ever known!!
My eldest daughter, is now 22, married, and the mother of
two daughters. She is a wonderful lady, and
a terrific mother!
Yes I am a grama, 3 times over,,, and when I look into the
eyes of my precious grandchildren, I know
that all the pain and heartache of my earlier years was well worth it!
Thank-you
It is impossible to really put into writing how I feel inside.
The response that I have received from people
that have read this page is just plain unreal!
I wish that there was some way that I could show you
all the gratitude I feel for your kind words, but
there really is no way, nor any words to express the comfort of your words!
I really did question if I should put this page on the net
for all of cyber world to see, as I really don't like
people to see the broken side of me.
I am glad now that I did however, as it has helped me in forgiving myself.
Oh yes, I still beat myself over the head for the decisions
I made back then, so many years ago. It seems
that no matter how much I say it was the right
decision to make, I to this day, deep in my soul, still
question that fact!
In a couple of weeks I am going to go and bring my baby
home! I should be ecstatic right? Wrong! I am
scared to death!
I would love to be perfect for my baby,,, say and do all
the right things! But I am far from perfect, and,
and, and ,,,,well I just hope that she will love me anyway!
Like I said your words are helping me to let that anger at myself go....
For your gift of kind words I would like
to share with you the letter I wrote so many years ago...
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