The absence of our beloved child during the Holiday season can be an overwhelming stressor for grieving families. Can I survive this? Is what I am feeling normal? Should I ignore the holidays this year? These are all questions that I have asked during the first several years after the death of my daughter. I'd like to share some general guidelines that have helped me to handle the pain of my baby's death during the holidays.
I accepted and embraced the likelihood of the pain. I did not discredit that surely it will be a painful time. Of course, I am grateful for what I still have, and yet I acknowledge that I will be overwhelmed by what I have lost. By preparing myself this way, I do not set up unattainable expectations of myself, my emotions and my behavior. At the same time, I recognize that I will likely have pleasant and enjoyable moments and I should not feel guilty about that.
I prepared myself for the potential insensitivity of others. Well meaning loved ones that do not want to see us in pain may try to hurry you through your grief. Some may insist on continually "cheering you up." Others may give you advice on what you should and shouldn't do or even how you should and shouldn't feel. I found it best to ignore all the well-meaning words of advice and claim my own feelings. No one else can understand how deep this pain really is, unless they are bereaved parents. Some of the various emotions I find myself dealing with every year during the holidays (and every other day!) are:
Sadness- The loss is overwhelming and I found myself reflecting on the way things should have been if my daughter were here.
Depression- Many days, particularly the week before a critical holiday, I felt listless, isolated and desperate.
Anxiety- I found myself uncertain of what my reactions would be and my frequent outbursts of emotions (even in the grocery store) frightened and surprised me.
Anger- I was mad at everyone and everything! I did not have my baby, but my neighbor or a family member did. It is unjust! I found myself short on my supply of patience. It didn't take much to provoke me during these periods.
Guilt- They "would've, should've, could've" thoughts are agonizing. Even when I knew there was nothing I could have done to prevent my baby's death, the guilt still hung over me as a black cloud. No amount of reason or logic can cleanse me of the sense of guilt, so I resort to forgiveness of myself, in the assurance that I would have given my life for the life of my child in a moment.
Apathy- There are times, years after her death, that I have almost no feelings at all. I don't care about anything, often similar to the feeling several weeks after her death. Numbness, confusion and disorientation are all ingredients of apathy.
Allowing yourself permission to claim your own feelings will lead to healing, reconciliation and the rediscovery of yourself. Keep in mind that feelings aren't right or wrong...they just are.
I took care of myself and the memory of my deceased child. I felt so out of control at times. But there were ways I knew I could regain control of my life and memorialize the life of my child. I realized that it would be best not to make drastic changes early in my grief. Generally, most of the traditions and rituals our family had before our daughter died, stayed with us. But this was a great opportunity for me to turn my pain into something positive. New rituals became part of our tradition, in memory of our precious child. Here are some options for families wanting to include their child in continuing holiday celebrations:
Celebrate the memory of your child by decorating his or her grave. We purchased a small Christmas tree and our other children helped to decorate it. We purchased balloons and stuffed toys and even wrote notes, cards and pictures to leave at the cemetery. It is an emotional purging which can help the family to heal, remember and love together.
Sign up at a local mall to partake in a Christmas Angel Program. We like to find a girl who is the same age that our baby should have been that year. We take the time to pick the toy that is requested and an extra one that we think our child would have enjoyed.
Donate the amount of money you would have spent on Christmas for your child to your favorite nonprofit organization, in memory of your baby.
Remember your child in Christmas cards, if you want. Every year since our daughter's death, we send out Christmas cards memorializing her. I refuse to let people forget her! Just as an example, one of our cards said, "We take this time to remember our precious daughter, Cheyenne, and cherish the memories she has left us. Take this time to cherish the moments you have with those you love."
Amidst the laughter and celebration
I will turn my head away
and cry tears of sadness
For I remember the missing piece
That cannot be replaced
With gifts and festivities
I remember You with love
even when the others don't.
