WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a
chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the
road, but
also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such
a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely
chicken's
dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in
its
pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be
discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each
interpretation is
equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned,
because
structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomasdde Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and
I'll find
out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the
Establishment would
let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes
also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded
its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion
that it
would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to
be of its
own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated
that individual chickens cross road at this historial juncture,
and
therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to
itself, the
chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was
encoded into the
objects "chicken"and "road", and
circumstances came into being which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own
chicken-nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most
astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented
avian
biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
formerly
relegatedto homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable
occurence.
Salvador Dali: Te Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the
trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do
it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the
chicken was
on, but it wasmoving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we
were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the
(censored)
reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, soquite understandably the chicken availed
himself of the
opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the
marrow out
of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly
exaggerated.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Lenny Bruce: (censored)
Oliver Stone:Clearly, this could not be the act of a single
"magic"
chicken. There must have been a second chicken, in the employ of
the CIA,
on the grassy knoll.
Lorne Michaels: The chicken joke has no punch line, but we'll
tell it over
and over for 21 years.
Ralph Reed: The chicken can come over to our side of the road if
it wants,
but unless it hatches all its eggs, we won't let it run for
president.
James "Amazing" Randi: Since I can fake a single case
of a chicken
crossing the road, therefore all instances of chicken-crossings
must be
fake.