HEADLINE: Microsoft Tester Dies
Tragically at Hands of "PAL"
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Redmond, Wa. - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy
today as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the Windows NT Team,
was brutally murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by one of
the "personalities" of Microsoft's latest operating
system shell program, Bob.
In the small hours of this morning, Java, the
"friendly" coffee-drinking dinosaur, burst from the
screen of Fitzgerald's computer, cutting a swath of destruction
throughout the hapless worker's office and into the accompanying
hallway.
The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus Security upon
failing to produce a valid Microsoft keycard, avoiding what could
otherwise have been a tragedy of much greater proportions. He is
currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation at the Washington
Institute for Perfectly Valid Lifeforms Who in the Heat of the
Moment Do Some Absolutely Naughty Things. Says Lars Opstad, chief
spiritual healer and concert pianist, "It's touch and go
right now. I don't think Java yet realizes the immensity of what
he's done."
Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the stegosaur-like computer
guide screaming "All I wanted was a GOOD espresso" in
those terrible moments before dawn. Said Rover Retriever, another
Bob personality, "This is just terrible. Java was always
such a great guy. Sure, he was a little high strung, but I can't
believe he would do something like this. I think we need to
seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob Personality group is
under so that another such incident doesn't occur."
A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent
attempt to quit smoking as a result of a clause in his contract.
Lawyers are examining whether this constitutes a violation of
discriminatory hiring statutes on Microsoft's part. Microsoft
Legal could not be reached for comment, but an undisclosed source
asserted, "We couldn't have him puffing away like that. He's
a dinosaur, not a dragon. It would confuse the market."
Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac
arrest, but are unclear on whether this was a result of the
vicious attack or the fact that Bob installed successfully on NT.