My childhood memories are patchy at best. My "real" father was miles away and didn't bother to even call. My step father was sexually abusive, and my mom was drunk most of the time. Between the ages of 5 and 15, incest is the main physical memory I have. We moved a lot, so I had no close friends, and being raised on poor farms my step father had plenty of opportunity for abuse. Daily chores on the farm included caring for the livestock. A job which took us out into open fields, alone. My step father used these opportunities for abuse. He would laugh, and tell me to scream all I wanted, because no one could here me. I thought he was right, and eventually stopped screaming. I know now that God heard my screams. At approximately age 7, sitting cross legged on my mothers bed, my big sister and mother told me of Jesus and Heaven. I asked Jesus to come into my heart that day because I wanted to go to this place called Heaven. Although I had never been to church or read the Bible, I knew something inside of me had changed. From that moment on I always knew that no matter how bad things were in my life, I would be all right. I received no spiritual guidance or education until my teen years, when myself and my sisters became involved with a small church. They provided transportation for us and welcomed us into their church family with open arms. Unfortunately the education they provided was, although from the Bible, not the entire Bible. Emotionalism was a sign of Christianity, and Scripture was taken out of context. My parents joined us and soon became respected members of the church. Mom became involved with music ministry, and my step father a deacon. Mom stopped drinking, but continued with the thought and behavior patterns of an alcoholic (she is what doctors call a dry drunk). My step father continued to abuse. At age 12 I began working every night and weekend as an attempted means of escape. While I was now able to contribute to our family income (which was very limited) and not have to be home much, the abuse still continued. He still drove me home from work at night. I used to hate closing time. Through it all I maintained a peace that I would be all right in Heaven. I still did not understand the work of our Savior. I thought that since I was not loud and highly emotional during prayer and worship, I must have missed God. This thought was reinforced by the teachings of the church. I felt that I had failed at Christianity. At the age of 15 I found my means of escape from our abusive home. I got married. While my pastor of 4 years performed our marriage ceremony, no one discussed with me what a Godly marriage was, or that the fact that my husband to be was a nonbeliever, could be a problem. Only that it was my JOB to satisfy my husband, and if I didn't he would go elsewhere. My job! So I went from living in fear of my step father to living in fear of my husband. I stopped going to church, to accommodate him. Needless to say I had a warped since of love. To me love was nothing more than commitment and devotion. After a year of physical abuse, and one miscarriage. I became afraid for my safety and left my husband to live on my own. The beatings were for, those most important things, like not having his bath water ran when he was ready, or wearing a dress in public. He stalked me for over 3 years before he finally went on with his own life, and allowed me to go on with mine. At 17, mom asked me to return to her home (she missed me). Once again I searched for ways to not be at home. So I partied. With the birth of my first child only 5 days after my 18th birthday, I wanted my life to change. I continued to know that I would reach Heaven, and at that point be okay. I just had to make it through life first. My daughter became my life. I could not tell her father, about her, for her own safety. He had gone into hiding from drug dealers who wanted nothing more than to cause harm. I couldn't let anyone know who her father was, for fear his enemies would use her to reach him. Being a perfect mom was my only goal. This little girl was the only joy I had ever known. Well, needless to say I never reached perfection as a parent, or anything else! And with this "failure" I became extremely depressed. It was rare for my father and I to really talk. My father was a man of few words, and even fewer displays of emotion. But during one of those rare moments when I was 21 years old, he told me something that changed my life. My father told me that he had known of the abuse I was suffering from the beginning, and chose to do nothing about it. Wow, I have a hard time explaining how this affected me. I felt like I meant nothing. As if my life was worthless. To be completely honest this is still a struggle to this day. The knowledge that my own father allowed me to be molested and used for over 15 years. He never apologized for his silence, but only gave me his reasons of not wanting to drag my mother into court. In my mind, I must not have been worth saving. God is still working on this area of my healing, and I know that He always finishes what He starts! When my daughter was 2, I became involved a man who appeared to have his life together. The daddy I dreamed of for my daughter. A career military man, owned his own home, single dad. Considerate, compassionate, caring. I fell in love with a dream. He hid his drug addiction very well. When he received a dishonorable discharge for drug use all of his false fronts ended. I married him anyway with the idea that his false fronts had been true, and his drug abuse, anger, and dishonesty were a phase. Once again I married without consideration of what a Godly marriage was, or that to marry an unbeliever would be a problem. While he never beat me, the emotional abuse was phenomenal. I stopped checking up on him because I knew I would find him drugged up with another woman. I was good at pretending everything was perfect. To the outside world I had it made. With the birth of my second child it was apparent that my husbands "phase" was going to last longer than I thought. The advice I received when I was 15 haunted me. I knew my husband was not faithful and felt that I was a failure as a wife. I realized that I was incapable of emotion. I didn't hurt over my husbands affairs, as a matter of fact I felt nothing at all. But I thought I should be punished for my failure as a wife. I began to self abuse. I thought I deserved to hurt, and physical pain was all I was able to feel. I wore bruises and bloody whelps for a long time. Hiding them was the hardest thing. When I could no longer hide them I was admitted to a hospital. Of course I didn't think I needed help. So I left against medical advice after only 3 days. With the birth of my third child, I knew I needed help. I began taking the kids to church. I looked to a church to for my healing, instead of God. I didn't last long. Church didn't save my marriage or heal my wounded heart. I was bitter toward the church for this. As my marriage deteriorated, my heart hardened even more. Flushing my husbands (large) stashes were not helping, Attempts to keep him satisfied were not working. I was lost, and so alone. When I was told of my husbands sexual abuse of my daughter, I was devastated. I had not only failed as a wife but as a mother. (The only thing that had meant anything to me.) I separated from my husband and became a virtual (robot). The only thing I was able to feel was that I was a failure. I tried to give my children away so that I could not destroy them (as I had my husband). After years of functioning on a nonemotional, nonfeeling level, I began to read my Bible and pray. As I drew nearer to Christ I learned that I could be okay here on earth, if only I would reach out and accept the Love Christ had been offering me all this time. I had to do this a little at a time, I didn't trust even GOD. But I found that I didn't have to wait for Heaven to find happiness. I began claiming the promises of healing found in the Bible. I allowed myself to cry, and to feel my pain. Slowly at first, but each time I fell to my knees and wept, I came up with a peace and strength that I still don't understand. Praise God! As I allowed God to touch the wounds deep in my heart, the Band-Aids used to hide them were removed and those wounds, so long denied and ignored, they began to heal. Not overnight. This deep penetrating healing takes time. As I stopped hiding from the pain of my past, and allowed myself to feel it, this pain stopped controlling my life. I slowly began to let people into my life again. I began to realize that I had not caused my husbands problems. Through prayer and study I began to realize that God would touch me today. This was something I had never even dreamed of! It still boggles my mind. I found out that while I may at times feel emotional when I pray, I am not missing God if I don't. I may have a shout in my heart, but if I don't, that's OK too. GOD IS ALWAYS THERE! He is the God of yesterday, TODAY, and tomorrow. As I continued to stand on the promises in the Bible, and claiming my healing, my healing manifested and became evident in my life. God used earthly therapists to aid in the healing process, but the glory is His. He showed me that a life of denying my feelings, and covering my pain with a smile, and achievements, was different from a life of peace, happiness, and pure JOY. THANK YOU LORD! I CAN FEEL NOW! During a painful experience lately, as I was getting angry with myself for being upset, it occurred to me that I am alive and able to feel. ALIVE IN CHRIST. I now feel the love of my family and friends. And I now posses the ability to give love as well. Real love, not simply commitment and devotion, but an unconditional love that includes commitment and devotion. PRAISE GOD! I am truly joyful for the first time in my life, and for the first time I have peace in my heart. I can now love and pray for those who have hurt me. And I can now reach out to others. I know there will be pain in my life, but I also know that I no longer need to hide from it. God will carry me through all circumstances, I only need to keep my eyes on him. I realized that I could never reach perfection, but Gods GRACE is sufficient. I am no longer enslaved by depression, or perfectionism. HALLELUJAH! If you are reading this, chances are you are searching for something. The answer lies above. God is the God of today, not just yesterday or tomorrow. TODAY. Allow Him to touch you now. Reach out this minute. Don't waste another second of your life. You too can feel the joy and happiness God wants for you. Love in Christ, Your sister, Kristi







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Keep watching new pages coming. LINKS TO MY OTHER PAGES Unlock The Door. What Next? WAR Home Page His Touch Something Cool Who Jesus is a walk through the books of the Bible. Who we are in Christ. A Friend Is.... A Letter From Jesus. Regardless?!? Can I Live A Holy Life? Curtis' Testimony The Holy Spirit..."Power" God's Abundant Grace. The Choice What If ??? Ten Names of God. Laughter is Good Medicine.

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