Resume' Truisms? Uh??
I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave Failed bar exam with relatively high grades It's best for employers that I not work with people Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details I was working for my mom until she decided to move Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse I am loyal to my employer at all costs.... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job Marital status: often. Children: various Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers Finished eighth in my class of ten References: none -- I've left a path of destruction behind me
Notes From Performance Evaluations
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity I would not allow this employee to breed This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definitely won't be Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle This young lady has delusions of adequacy He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better
Military Performance Appraisals or OERS (OFFICER EFFICIENCY REPORTS)
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. A prime candidate for natural deselection. Bright as Alaska in December. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests Donated his body to science before he was done using it Fell out of the family tree Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it He's so dense, light bends around him If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change
Military Year End Performance Reviews
He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless I would like to go hunting with him sometime He has been working with glue too much He would argue with a signpost He has a knack of making strangers immediately He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room He and the CEO have something in common. They've both gone as far they can in this company When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell
Submitted by Sgt R Grundy
Note by your Humor Page WebMADam: The Sgt was not to be out done by the priest! :)
A portion of the above was derived from Fortune Magazine

THE EAGLE AND THE STUD Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

Submitted by DeWayne McCarty

ONLY IN AMERICA . . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"

Submitted by W. Holley -- thanx Culligan Man!

RATS! A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats merge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a BRONZE LAWYER?"

Submitted by DeWayne McCarty

What Did You Say? The following are actual excerpts from statement of facts, wherein cross-examination was conducted in a judical trial or deposition. (Featured in "Et Cetera" by Jerry Buchmeyer in the Texas Bar Journal (V. 60 N. 8 09/97)). Lawyer: So, you're saying that either Kathy Ghaly or Laura Smith failed in their job duty to check out -- Witness: I'm not saying that. Lawyer: --Mr. Wartley's employment? Witness: I'm not saying that. Lawyer: Well -- Witness: You're saying that. Lawyer: I am saying that. Witness: I am not saying that. Lawyer: Okay. What are you saying? Witness: I'm not saying anything!

Nutin Personal! A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week." The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a LITTLE annoyed and says "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy says, "BECAUSE, I JUST LOVE HEARING IT!!"

Submitted by LTC Charles D. Holley Note by WebMADam: wonder why C.D. likes these lawyer jokes soooo much? :)

NEED TECHNICAL SUPPORT, NOW! Desperately seeking technical support. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and having some problems. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear the DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run Girlfriend in background mode with the sound switched off. But I'm embarassed to say that I can't find the switch to turn it off. I just run them seperately, and it works OK. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort my Golf program with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0 After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0 He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and that eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time I used an SCSI probe first and also installed virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 was still in my system! I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of Girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less re-program. Frankly, I think that there is too much attention paid to the look and feel and not enough to the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold plated contacts. And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally 'object-oriented'. A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girfriend to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of Girfriend. He discovered that GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a 'huge resource hog'. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Anybody out there able to offer technical advice.......?

Submitted by Dwayne McCarty

Note by WebMADam:Interesting, Dwayne :)

OOPS! A new lawyer watches the very first person enter his office. He decides he should look busy, so he picks up the phone and starts talking: "Look, Harry, about this amalgamation deal. I think I better run down to the factory and handle it personally. Yes. No. I don't think three million will swing it. We better have Rogers from Seattle meet us there. OK. Call you back later." He looks up at the visitor and says, "Good morning, how may I help you?" The prospective client says, "You can't help me at all. I'm just here to hook up the phone."

Submitted by The Beauty Queen -- Thanx, Bet!

Latest Virus List - Read Carefully Ellen Degeneres virus Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC Monica Lewinsky virus Rotates all the memory out of your computer Titanic virus Makes your whole computer go down Disney virus Everything in the computer goes Goofy Mike Tyson virus Quits after one byte Prozac virus Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care Sharon Stone virus Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there Lorena Bobbit virus Turns your hard disk into a 3.5inch floppy Tim Allen virus Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact Woody Allen virus Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card Saddam Hussein virus Won't let you into any of your programs Tonya Harding virus Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons George Michaels virus Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup Joey Buttafuoco virus Only attacks minor files X-files virus All your Icons start shape shifting Spice Girl's virus Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop Ronald Reagan virus Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them Sony Bono virus Just when you get surfing the web, a fire wall appears out of no where Martha Stewart virus Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop Oprah Winfrey virus Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB AT&T virus Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting MCI virus Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus Arnold Schwarzenegger virus Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back

Submitted by Dwayne McCarty

Thanx! DeWayne

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