GOT A MATCH?
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime,
and
they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary
confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring
into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big
stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And
the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of
cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open
up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I
studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a
lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second
guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've
got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest
thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so
close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it."
They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping
at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
SCARE ME?
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just
about to pull the switch when the guy gets the
hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last
requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could
you please do (hic) could you please do something to
scare me?"
HIS ASHES
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and
she shows him into the living room. She excuses
herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few
drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices
a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and
as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says
"What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are
in there." He goes, "Jeez...oooh....I..." She says,
"Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an
ashtray."
BY ONE
At a college
with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to
investigations into the basketball team by suspending
any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a
passing average. Furious, the coach came storming
into the dean's office, followed by one of his star
players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared.
"We won't win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten
out of hand at this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned
to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much
is six times seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said,
"Thirty- one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my
case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you
making such a big deal of it? After all, he only
missed it by one."
Smell
The Coffee ...
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old helper
early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank
what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. And,
when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement
there were three of little green army men in her cup.
Puzzled, she asked "Honey, what are the army men
doing in my coffee?" Her grandson answered "Grandma,
you know how it says on TV, "The best part of waking
up is soldiers in your
cup."
First Day of School
Little Benny came home from his first day of
school and said "Mommy, the teacher was asking me
today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be
coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear.
What did she say when you told her you are the only
child?"
She just said, "Thank goodness!"
Da Mummy!
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in
Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy.
After examining it, he called the curator of a
prestigious natural history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man
who died of heart failure!" To which the curator
replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the
archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age
and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Simple...there was a piece of paper in his hand that
said - put me down for 10,000 Shekels on
Goliath'."
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