In the beginning, there was my quote page. Apparently, I wasn't the only one to hear funny things, and toward the middle people were asking me to put quotes I didn't hear on my webpage. I had my doubts, but one man rose above the rest to bring me quotes beyond my personal experiences. The man was Matt. And they were good.
"I love leftover food....and donuts."
- Rob
"God made the platypus. Don't forget that. God's a prankster."
- my Theatre Prof
"That'd be fun...watching Rasputin hop-scotching across the stage."
- my Theatre Prof
04/04/00 1:00pm
"If I say 0!=1 [zero factorial equals one] and you say why, I say shut your mouth, it's my definition."
- my Math Prof
"Death is really inconvenient."
- Jaime
"Shut up - I make sense."
- Janice while inebriated
"If you cheat on a Bio test, who gives a shit?....you're in theatre. Just don't get caught."
- My Stagecraft Prof
"Tampons are like special bandaids."
- Drew
"Sex is better than putting on socks."
- Maggie
"The Bealtes are called Liverpudlians because they're from Liverpool."
- Vicki (she's from England)
"All I need for the rest of my life is chicken fingers and cigarettes."
- Ray
"...and when you're conceded, you have a really big cog."
"And sometimes when you have a really big cog, you can be conceded."
"Are you guys trying to be phallic?"
- Mike, dif Mike, Gina
"Do you think they serve refreshments at Over Eaters Anonymous?"
- Anne
"I'm not sposed to drink because i gave blood but I figure, less blood, more blood alcohol content!"
- Me
"Sorry, I have to go. I have to go do my laundry then tutor inner city kids."
- Me
"Why weren't you in class Tuesday?"
"Why wasn't....lemme think....where was I.....Oh yeah, I was in a car accident."
- Core humanities prof, Kathy
"I respect Maya Angelou more than Donald Trump."
"You've never been to Atlantic City, have you?"
- Two ppl in my Intern'l Relations class
"Did you see the Matrix? Know that scene where they're jumping off the wall? It's like ballet dancing with machine guns."
- Core humanities prof
"The first time I saw secant approach tangent, I thought - 'Man, it doesn't get much better than this.'"
- My math prof
"What if they abuse animals? Does that affect your love for them?"
"Well...a little."
"What if they abuse grandparents?"
- My Core Humanities Prof, some chick, prof
"Don't push THERE!!! I have to pee!"
- some chick in my EMT class
"If you don't know the Italian word for something, just make it sound Italian. Most of the time, it'll be right."
- my Italian prof
"When I was running, there were mirrors in front of me...I never realized how red my neck gets when I run, but it looks like my head is going to pop off."
- Liz (again)
"...I figure if I don't believe in hell, I won't go there. You can't go to a place you don't believe in."
"I don't believe in Kansas."
"Well, I don't believe in microwaves."
- Katie, Me, K
"Do these chapters go in order?...I mean, my professor told me to read chapters 9-15. Aren't chapters 1-8 important too?"
- Liz
"Oh shit - here come the wizards and I'm a troll!"
- Donna
"Can I use the phone? My mom beeped me 911."
"Aren't you on your way home? Can't you wait?"
"No! 911 means get milk or something."
- Asma, Me, Asma
"I want that car."
"The purple one?"
"Hey - if you can want a shit green car, I can want a purple one."
- Mom, me, Mom
"Where is it?"
"The Continental Arena."
"No...the bathroom."
- Some guy, Mar, Some guy
"You get sprinkles and stock options - camp's great!"
- Howie
"Heh...my computer's going crazy in binary..."
- Mar
"Ms. B, is the wall curved?"
- Mike L.
"Your name, sex, and ethnicity should be the same from year to year..."
- Mr. D'Eletto
"...It was the Prussian Junkers...what's the plural of Junkers?....Junkies!"
- Ben
"Can anyone guess what the name of this painting is?"
"Honest Abe and his Boys!"
- Ms. B, Andrew
"Now I'm going to give you a piece of my mind - a lecture!"
- Ms. B.
"Everyone has their Yalta Conference of 1943."
- Louie
"The Atlantic Conference was propagandistic....everyone was stroking themselves harmoniously."
- Ms. B. (yes, she has problems)
"Then Britain and France went 'AHHH!'"
- Ms. B.
"This movie would be really stupid in a different language."
- Louie
"I was distracted by the Vitamin C."
- Mrs. Doyle
"Oh, shit! Here comes Mussolini."
- Ms. B.
"This document is on the Treaty of Versailles."
"That's what made Wilson become a vegetable."
"No, it's from standing in front of the first microwave."
- Ms. B., Louie, Andrew
"On the seventh day, God could have said 'Let there be pi."
- Trevor
"Someone left their lights on....oh, nevermind, someone's in their car."
- Some lady
"I could see Rebecca going after Nick with an epinephrine shot. 'C'mere you!! It's for your own good!! Ahhahahahaaa!'"
- Matt K.
"That's a little phallic."
"But it ends in an 'x'!"
- Beth, Me
"Damn! It's one of those pages with words on it!."
- Me
"The Nanking Treaty promoted all this harmonious harmony and joy."
- Ms. B. (another crackhead teacher)
"And they thought everything was wunderbar and hunky-dorey."
- Ms. B.
"Personally, I think General Motors sucks."
"Now there's a thesis!"
- Jason, Dur Thur
"The Crimean War was the first war photographers began taking pictures of."
"Is this that thing with those hot air and those..."
"Cameras?"
"No. Hot air balloons?"
"They took pictures with cameras."
- Ms. B, Ajay, Ms B, Ajay, Ms. B
"Wouldn't it be easier to take the squeeze cheese bottle out of the drain?"
"Actually, no."
- Mom, Dad
"This is the unit of isms...conservatism, liberalism, socialism-"
"Sarcasm."
"Sarcasm isn't an ism, it's an asm."
"And this class has plenty of that."
- Ms. B., Ajay, Louie, Ms. B
"Happy Valentine's Day!!....Your car window's stuck open."
- Mom
"We're all morons. No, seriously, we're just a bunch of complete morons."
- Jared
"We were going to watch a movie today, but I couldn't get the video machine."
"You mean VCR?"
"You say potato, I say tomato."
- Mrs. Aberman, Me, Mrs. A
"I'll be Elton John and you can be the gazelle."
"What the hell's a gazelle?"
"Who cares? I'm Elton John!"
-Some girls
"Do I look like Liberace? Do I look like a gay man? Now I'm getting the fuck out of here. Matt, if they lock the door, put my stuff in the hall. Thank you."
- Rayme
"When I wrap presents, I forget who they're for."
"So why don't you label them?"
"Sometimes I forget, and then when I open them, I still can't remember who they're for."
- Mike, Mom, Mike
"If it wasn't for me and the French military, we'd all be speaking Netherlandish!"
- Me
"Land isn't only necessary for things that grow on the land - it also helps things that sit on the land - like factories."
"Or cows!"
- Dur Thur, Dave
"This is where they're harvesting grapes and dancing."
"The things you learn about songs that make you want to harvest grapes and dance around!"
- Mar, Me (we had a busy afternoon)
"Our relationship's so strange!"
"Our relationship's not that strange."
"We were just swing dancing in an empty store."
"That just means we're strange - our relationship's fine."
- Me, Mar, Me, Mar
"My tongue's really green."
"Yeah, it's like forest green."
"Yours is green too! I can be Tree Man and you can be Lizard Girl!"
- Me, Mar, Me
"So I'm the Pope?"
"Heh...Pope Ajay."...
"Lauren, can I be the Pope?"
"You can be whatever you want, Ajay."
- Ajay, Mr. S, Ajay, Lauren
"We're stuck to the earth because it literally sucks. Newton was the first to say sucking should be called gravity."
- Ms. B.
"What are you looking at?"
"The television."
"Umm...."
"No, it's not on."
"Oh....ok....I was just wondering."
- Me, Dad, Me, Mom, Me
"That's exactly what I needed right then. It was like, I had this long period of Physics and you came up to me and said 'Here, have a bite of my golden sandwich that has a perfect balance of flavors.' and it was like ahhh- everything's gonna be okay."
Mar
"Root Beer's for sissies."
- Dustin
"Don't you hate when you think words start with T and they start with F?"
- Jaime
"I think as people get older, they act more immature cuz they realize it's more fun."
-Matt (me)
"The seats are so comfortable. You feel like you're on an airplane thing. And the cup thing!!"
"She's more amused by the seats than the movie."
- Doyle, Mar
"Can't you just tell me?"
"Why don't you ask yourself?"
"Oh, THAT will work...'gee Matt, can you tell me something?' 'Why Matt, you already know everything I know.' 'That's true.' 'Then I guess this wouldn't work very well, now WOULD it.' 'I guess not.' HAPPY? I ASKED MYSELF! NOW SHUT THE HELL UP AND TELL ME!"
- Matt, Graham, Matt
"Oh my God! I got a run in my stocking! It must have been when I was with the curtain people!"
"Know what we should do?...We should light [the stage] on fire."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of our school!"
"We should light Rebecca on fire and throw her back there."
- Doyle (remember her?), Rebecca, Melissa, Matt
"Halfway through "There's Something About Mary," my husband turned to me and said 'I'm not having a good time.' Some very respectful people told me it was a riot. I felt the same way about Monty Python. My mother hated it. While I was cracking up about the penguin on the telly, she thought it was disgraceful...Do you all have Beloveds? You all need Beloveds!"
- Doyle (do you see a pattern forming?)
"One of the humorous things Oscar Wilde says is you can't eat a muffin when you're upset-"
"You can't! (*laughter from class*) Well, you can't - only donuts."
- Jordan, Doyle (yes, she's on crack)
"Know the term 'feeding the fishes'? Well, she was....*burp* oh, excuse me, 30 year old blondes give me indigestion."
- Mully
"Ms. B., if you got married, I'd call you Mrs. B.."
"Can I smack him?"
"No...well...only if you hurt him."
- Ajay, Deb, Ms. B.
"You both had oral tradition written on your faces."
- Mrs. Doyle (again)
"It's a very powerful passage and I don't want you to choke."
- Mrs. Doyle
"Hello, Captain Video."
"Hi, how are ya?"
"Um...Fine thanks. You?"
"This is Captain Theo."
"Uh....ok."
"I own the store."
"Hold on. Let me get the owner."
- Matt, "Capt Theo", M, Cap, M, Cap, M
"Hey, if we're going somewhere, and you need a ride, hop aboard the via de Graham for a trip on magical mystery tour."
"Magical myocardial infarction tour."
"Hmmmmm. . .that doesn't sound as appealing."
- Graham, Matt, Graham
"Before I had my bathroom redone, when the ceiling collapsed, I had called the fire dept...And then there were fire trucks, police, and fuckin EMS trucks all my house, just because I called the fire dept!"
"Why'd you call the fire dept.?"
"Oh, just to see if having water in an electrical socket was dangerous."
- Carol, Rayme, Carol
"Why do you feminine type people have to go to the bathroom so much?"
- Ant
"OW! "
"What?"
"I have an obscure pain in my arm."
"Oh."
- Gele, Matt, Gele, Matt
"I don't buy sliced bread."
"You mean, you don't buy Wonderbread?!?!"
"Is that a bad thing?"
- Luciana, Susan, Luciana
"I have to go out so I can come back here."
- Gele
"Is that a real dog?"
"No (sarcastically), it's fake. What do you think?"
"I think it's real."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah."
- Greg, Beth, Greg, Matt, Greg
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It's His Dementia, Not Mine
© 1997
