6-23-98

Tired, setting into the feel of summer. Got my grubbies on a beta release of Microsoft Image Composer and designed some crap for this site, like the lovely icon above. I've go the award site up, and i want people to apply for these awards! Apppppllllly. The other chracter's bio page will probably be up in a week, and I'm trying to put together a site about my other favorite comic book, "The Books of Faerie", by Peter Gross and Bronwyn Carlton. The images i use in here, of titania, are from it. Ummm...I think that's it for now.

6-5-98

I've been thinking a lot lately. Maybe too much. But, with the help of a email from Jan Werner, I've realized that a lot of the time i sound like a person who, as Jan put it, conforms to non-comformity. You know, someone who listens to "alternative" music, the type all the other non-conformists listen to. The person who wears pants like that because she has her own style, but they're the same type every other non-conform wears. I am probably, thinking about it, the type of person Jhonen Vasquez would hate, the type that would inspire him to write some hilariously funny one-page strip about the groupies who devote their lives to loving people they've never met. He'd undoubtedly be disgusted by the fact that I've never met him, never known him and never spoken to him; that i know him only through his work and suddenly idolize him. But its not just that I think he is exactly like Nny, or that I think I know him and who he is just by reading JTHM and Squee. It is that I feel that he is a person who has said what he wanted to, and fgained respect for that.

I ponder. More later, i suppose.

5-29-98

Oh yeah! yes!

You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? YOU think IM'm just being an insane dick again, DON'T YOU!!! Well, fuck you!

No, seriously. YOu had no way of knowing, anyway. Or did you??

Well, today at my lovely school, it looked to be another crappy-assed day. But alas, fair Portia, all is well! In the middle of third period, the florescent, incessantly humming lights flickered and then went out. And they didn't come back on.

Oh, y e s.

Power outage! Total anarchy ensued. First, we all had to stay in our third period clases for a while. Being the advanced reader I am, I got to spend another 40 minutes reading some Shakespeare play. Theennnn...the principal (prude! prude! mooo!) comes into my class and then says that we are dismissed for lunch, but "we must not be wild and crazy like savages". Sanages! Dammit, that's funny. Anyhoo, we leave the room and begin hooting like savages and run out into the hall. There's a teacher standing in front of the bathroom door and saying she's only going to let one student in at a time because she only has one flashlight. The lunch supervisiors won't let anyone go out to lunch like they usually do. And, best of all, for those of us who don't have lunches, they make us eat frozen sandwiches. Ick.

My friend Jess and I sneak out and run to a restaurant. There's an astounding number of people there. Most of them are from my school. So this group of younger boys comes up and starts to harass me. I was on such a sugar high by then I just let him have it. He muttered one thing about my being a whore, and so...i said...

"I'm a whore? Woo! No I'm not. Well, I'm surprised you made such a mistake tho. You probably know what whores are pretty good, seeing as you use them frequently. Wait, no you don't. Stoopid, you are. Limp to. Oh, I'm a witch now? Cool. But I'm not so go fuck off or something. Yeah. No, don't give me the finger. That thing in your ear looks pretty stupid. EH? it's an earing? My god, I thought it was a toucan! Oh well. Bye dickshit."

He just stood there and looked kinda funny at me. Like he wondered what I was on. Well, the answer was coffee with a LOT of sugar in it. It's so pleasant.

Yes. So I get back to school and EVERYONE's OUTSIDE. THese two nerdoobers are making out behind a tree and every single boy in the school is playing baseball. All of the girls are sitting in the stands. SO I sit down. and then, a horrid noise comes from the building. A piercing noise. Students fall and scream in agony. A boy grabs my ankle as I run from the horror. "please, help..." He mutters, his strength sapping and running out of him. I run, run like mad.

The sound was the bell. Lucky us, the electric company has rapidly repaired the electric problem. That sucks! But it was fun anyhoo. Okay...um boring life otherwise. Except I met a really nice person, Cedar. Love you, cedar.

Bored other wise.

K'bye

5-26-98

Man. I live in a fairly okay neighborhood and go to a sucky but safe school. And now, I am facing the most horrid crime that I ever have, and it was commited against me.

Today, sitting in my eternally dull Language Arts class, we were given an assignment I thought I might enjoy, a short story. I moved to sit at a table with one of my friends so that we could talk about story planning. Then, two boys sat down and begin to make comments I should've ripped their dicks off for.

"Do you give blow jobs?"

"No."

"This boy told me you have a long tongue, and it's like he knows."

"Well, I never did anything like that."

"Why do you wear shirts like that?"

"Like what?"

"Ones that show off your tits."

"Leave me alone."

"Hey, bitch, don't talk to me that way. DOn't you ever try."

"WHat are you going to do, beat me up in the middle of the class?"

"No, but I might force-fuck you after school."

::I blink and then get angry::"Fuck off!"

"I will with you baby."

"Leave me the hell alone."

"Hey, sweety, I was only kididng."

"Get the fuck away, I don't want to listen to you."

At this point, I try to walk away. he grabs me by the arm and tells me to sit down. He's smaller than me, and I am not afraid of him, but his hand is too close to my chest for comfort and I fear he may grope me unless I sit down. I do so.

"What's your problem?"

"My problem? I don't have a problem. YOu do. I've spent most of my life being told that I am equal to you, and I know I'm more than equal, but people like you are whats wrong with society. Men who think they're better than women and that they can treat them like shit, never mind the fact that we are intelligent beings who like to be treated as such. And you, you little crap, are acting like I'm some personal dumping ground of yours. Fuck off!"

He walked away and started laughing. After school he made some hand motions which I'd rather not describe. What's wrong with our society when people can't respect each other? I am saddened.

5-16-98

Tonight, I went to see a movie which was the most moving, touching, beautifuk, and horrifying film which I have ever seen. It was tragic, heartbreaking, suspenseful and humourous at times...and you know what? You Titanic freaks can all go stare at a wall, because Deep Impact KICKS ASS!

It's the story of how a comet predicted to hit earth changes the lives of so many people...eh, I no feel like explaining. But it made me cry..and if you knew me, you'd know that I NEVER cry in movies. You could show me a half-hour of children starving to death, and I'd think it was sad, but I wouldn't cry. Deep Impact Made me cry...so many valiant people...so few shelters...ARRRGGHH! Depression!

I will see Deep Impact over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again for the rest of my life...it is beautiful. And it kicks Titanic in the ass. So, to all Titanic fans: To females, stop staring at your Leo posters, use a Biore pore strip and go see this movie. YOu can see another, more appropriately aged attractive male in it, Elijah Wood(*sigh*) and ogle him...to Males, stop staring so fixatedly at your pictures of Kate Winslet nude and get off your ass, wash your hair and go outside. That glare is the sun you haven't seen in so long. Now, go to a movie theatre and see Deep Impact. Trtue, there's no naked chicks, but depending on your taste, there is Tea Leoni. Gosee it anyway...

Tired and hungry. K'bye.

5-15-98

I am confused to whether today was good or bad...perhaps it was simply a day, a passage of time....

I slept in until 7:40 am, at which i woke up and screamed "Oh my god!!! Im gonna be late!!!!" and leaped out of bed to dash to the shower, forgetting that i sleep in the nude, as I do every day....and so the day began. After my lovely halfhour of trying to put my hair up out of my face, i put on my black pants and a t-shirt...then, on the way to school remembered what the weather guy had said:"High, 90 degrees today." Shiiiiitttt. And then, I get to school where everyone is ewaring shorts...even the teachers...and i am literally drenched with sweat... So, at 8:30, my lame ass pricipal comes on the PA system:

Good morning, students. I amsure you have all noticed the recent increase in tempurature...with this change, i must remind you to continue to wear appropriate clothing...to skip over the specifics, any one wearing clothes with undergarments showing...will be sent home to change. Such clothing is disturbing to the school environment.

Come onnnn...if our shoulders began to become evil, then our faces will be too, and we will have to wear maskes...I had no lunch and then went outside, ery stupidly....a few thoughtson the tank top issue...what the teachers are afraid of is that girls' naked shoulders will cause some male to have "evil" thoughts...but i can think of no such thing. Sexual thoughtd, you suggest? Sex only became evil in the late Middle Ages, until then people saw it foor what it was...a holy communion between two people...eh...i am tired.Ummm....I have a black kitten named Merlin. yes, yes I do.

a secret message for X Darkling: ...skis...

heheh=...I had to stay after to talk to my math teahcer. she thinks i forged some signature...I can't rememebr, perhaps I did....er...

Several times through life, there is a slogan I have remembered which has helpeed me through the good and bad.

WHen In doubt, eat a trout.

Yay! Alrighty, as I am bland now, I saw no more.

5-13-98

Hee hee. I don't really have much to say right now, except a few things.

Thank yous:

Thank you to Mistress Bloody Squirell for being my friend;

Thank you to |Sunder| for putting up with my millions of annoying emails about helping my page get in the JTHM ring;

Thank you to Pipkin, for being so damn funny;

Thank you to StopHim, who is always in the #slavelabor room when I go in there late at night and no one else is there;

Thanks to ANYONE who goes into #slavelabor, because it seems like no one's ever in there anymore...and I like talking to people,so that makes me sad;

Thank you to Silver Tiger, who ever you are , and X Fatale, for taking the time to actually sign my guestbook(a little guilt trip for you visitors who DON'T: you are evvviiiilll);

Thanks to X Darkling, for being accepting to my whims, being short and just a lot like me;

Thank you to who ever made the net avaliable to everybody, it is the best thing in the universe. Truly.

People who can go to hell:

Kurvanas(a person, not a group of people, who is too damn evil)

Preppies

Posers

CHEERLEADERS, the ultimate evil

Jocks

Judgemental bastards

The people who screwed up the Catholic religion

People who have sometype of problem with the fact that I'm not really sure what religion I am

The jerkoff popular girls at my school

Those people who call me a witch when I'm not

People who ask me if I'm PMSing when I NEVER have PMS! NEEVVER, FUCK YOU FOR ASKING.

Goddam I am so bored, why won't someone come online. *Sigh* Spose I should go now. Bye.

5-12-98

EH! I am happy...

Well, first off, I now know the name of that incredibly GORGEOUS actor who played young merlin...it is...

*DRUM ROLL PLEASE...PLAY THE DRAMATIC MUSIC NOW..AND IGNORE THOSE STRANGE STARES FROM MY PARENTS*

My friends call him daniel broccoli. That is mean. But I would start a fan page in his honor if i had a scanner. yes, Yes I would.

ANother nice thing happened to me today. I met a fellow person. But not just a person, a nice guy from new york, X Darkling or Dave is a cool person. Unlike many people I have known or met in chatrooms. I no tell more now.

Speaking of people I have met in chatrooms, I have to tell you all something.

Je ne suis pas le goth.

For you STOOOPID people who no speak french, it means

I am not a goth.

Actually, not much of one. I like NiN and black and expecially JTHM, but when I started reading Jhonen, I didn't realize what the major audience was *STUPID ME! STUPIDDDD!* But anyhoo, I go into these chat rooms and people are senidng goth poetry about black mascara(TrajikMisery? You know I speak to you)and so I feel left out. To me, the appeal of JTHM is universial and people shouldn't look at you like a leper if you aer not wearing gobs of black eye makeup and leather pants.

Well, that be it, so woola.

5-8-98

Goddamit I have a had a crappy day. First I wake up at six am because I haven't finished my homework and need to do and only finish half of it. Then, in first period I have to deal with this girl who is critisizing me because I drew Morgan le Fay's eyes to big. You want to draw it??

At the dance tonight, which I had such high hopes for, I stood around or sat around for two and a half hours. And I felt like such an idiot. Maybe dances aren't the most important thing...in fact, they're probably one of the least. But I cannot imagine a worse feeling than the one I get when everyone on the dancefloor is swaying to some song with a sappy female singer and I am standing there in my bigass pants looking lost, trying to hide the purple mascara running down my cheeks.

Maybe I should share with you what was possibly the worst experience of the night.

That song "Truly Madly Deeply" by Savage Garden came on and everyone was slowdancing. But me. And anyone I wanted to dance with was taken or gone or would rather have moths eat their clothes while they were in them than touch me. And so, in the dim light and soft undertones of that Shemale leadsinger, I remembered something I rather wish I hadn't.

It was back in March...March 14th, maybe. Some Saturday. I had gone out to this place where they were going to put free food out for the homeless and I was busing tables. This boy that I really liked was my busing partner and he was pretty nice to me, but nice. You know. That "polite" way people act that makes you feel so bad you wish you could just sink into the ground. So later, we;re sitting on the bus and because my wonderful friends have all deserted me I am sitting next to him and studying the texture of the dirt on my shoes. And I start up and conversation in one of those moments when people tend to talk to much and say more than the person they're speaking to wants to hear.

Sample:

Me: "And so afterI left the hippy kindergarten I went to this special school for artistic kids but I didn't belong there so I left and did stuff but later I went back to the school and would you like to hear about my struggle with finding religion???"

Him: "Uh-huh. Okay sure."

Me again: "Okay, well it all started in 1991 when..."

One of those conversations. And then he gives me this signal from his body movement and the fact that he's drawing on the window that he doesn't care what I'm saying. Now I feel so stupid, so utterly worthless and pointless that I wish that semi would ram into the bus. But then I think, hey, what if he wants to say something? And then the song comes on. "Truly Madly Deeply". And for those horrid, agonizing four minutes, I listen to a singer promise things I can only dream of and stare mindlesly at this boy. I almost begin to cry, thinking of all the failed things I've done before, that boyfriend who was such a jerk and that this boy was supposed to be my salvation. And the STUPID song keeps playing and I can only sit there and wallow and realize that if he liked me, which I know he doesn't, he wouldn't tell me: for I am too odd.

Too different.

Arrgh, the irony. So I didn't like that song. The one boy who was at the dance and could've erased my memory of this horror, i will call him SK, was standing there dancing with Gwen Kelg. Now, you have no idea who that is. So you wouldn't care. But she is a shallow, stupid, catty girl. And he is a short, intelligent, deliciously synical and wonderfully humourous. But the thing is, even if he wasn't dancing with Gwen he wouldn;t be dancing with me. For I am too odd.

Too different.

Goodnite, fellow ones. I go to sleep in a world full of pain and teenage hormone-induced anxiety...thankfully it is a world of Jhonen and Nny and Squee and Devi as well.

5-2-98 hello. i am back again but will be back later.

5-1-98

IT IS MAAAAAYYYY!!!!! O YAY!!! I am over at my pscho friend's house. It is scary here. I like my black pants. Hee Hee. I want more people to sign my guestbook. I like melons. YOu know what? When in doubt, eat a trout. I like that. I like several things. I don't like mean people.

Story Time!!

I have this cousin I'll call Kelly. Kelly and I have been friends since we were tiny little children who wore pink flowered leggings without shame. Then, with the arrival of lovely sixth grade and the cliques, Kelly decided to be nice and desert me for the lovely fakes known as the POPULAR GIRLS!!! YAY! So, to make a long story short, I am now the unliked person in her life.

That was pointless wasn't it!! Well, that's what I'm all about. Anyway. I have to switch computers now. Okay, so this is it. I'm gonna go now. Yes I am. mmmyep.

4-30-98

It is really late at night on thursday. Hee hee. I am kinda tired but must brush my teeth. Anyway, I have alittle story for you: