CHAPTER 4
Emma was unprepared for the bundle of blue uniform that suddenly wrapped small strong arms around her, pressing her head against her shoulder. She put one leg back to steady herself, thankful that Reil had turned his head to the right. The brim of the cap was turned up on the left side, any other position, and it would have been uncomfortable, to say the least. She tentatively returned the hug, unsure of exactly what caused the distress her new friend seemed to be going through. For some unknown reason, she had been expecting tears, such was the intensity of the situation. But there didn’t seem to be any tears, just this fierce hug.
Slowly, she increased the hug, marveling at how well their two bodies fit together. She breathed in the scent of the officer. Wool, leather, a lingering scent of the soap used to was the hair, even a faint trace of the oil used to clean weapons. It was an incredible mix to Emma. She soaked it in, memorizing the smell. It was long minutes before the taller woman brought a hand up to gently stroke the blonde hair that was poking out of the cap at the back of Reil’s neck.
This movement seemed to awaken Reil to just exactly what she was doing, and to whom she was doing it with. She pulled back a bit to apologize, realizing that if she had made a fool of herself prior to reaching the tent flap, she was making a complete ass of herself now. Emma brought a hand up as she saw clearly that Reil wanted to apologize, and placed a finger on Reil’s lips, silencing any words that might have come out. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. I’m not going anywhere, and I won’t hate you.” Reil couldn’t believe that this woman was practically reading her very thoughts. “Why don’t we go sit on the sofa,” Emma continued, “I’ll get us some drinks.” Reil nodded, and released her hold. A wash of emptiness threatened to buckle her knees, but by some miracle, she made it over to the small sofa.
The hand Emma used to pour the whiskey was noticably shaking. She only hoped Reil didn’t see. The force that had hit her at their separation was like none she had ever felt before. Even with her husband. She had certainly loved him, but there had been something missing. Emma was beginning to believe that this was that something. Bringing the drinks over, she sat down. Reil had her elbows on her knees, and her head in her hands. “Here you go.” Reil thankfully took the offered glass, taking a large swallow, and coughed just a bit as the liquid burned it’s way down to her gut. “Easy there. Feel a bit better?” The other woman nodded, and took another swig, smaller this time. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on? I obviously said something that upset you.”
Reil didn’t know where to begin, but she couldn’t let Emma take the blame for her own stupidity. “No, no...it’s not your fault, it’s my own. There’s something I need to explain.” Emma waited patiently, never in her life had she been so much at a loss for what to do. “I told you that I lied to get into the army.” The dark haired woman nodded, thinking perhaps that Reil was much younger than originally thought. That might be a problem, but not one that would cause such an intense reaction. She had seen many young boys, eager to be dubbed a man, try to hire one of her girls. Strict policy dictated that if it was suspected that the boy was under 16, he was not to be served. If they were old enough to fight, that was one thing. But if they were too young, there were plenty of other brothels they could go to that didn’t care so much. Emma didn’t want word to get out that her women took care of just anybody. What reputation she did have, she wanted to keep intact.
“Well, that’s not the only thing I lied about.” Reil’s head hung low, waiting for the inevitable question. She waited, but it never came. Suddenly, for Emma, something became quite clear. She took it all in, rolled the thought around in her mind. So many things were contradicting one another. She felt everything from relief that it was nothing life threatening, to thoughts of how she could feel this way about a woman...a *woman*! She couldn’t help but stare at Reil. She understood now why there had been such a reaction earlier. On the one hand was all her years of genteel southern upbringing. She knew what peoples thoughts were on the matter of two women together. On the other hand, she also knew she had found the other half of her soul. It was as though she was finally complete, she knew this when she had held Reil in her arms. Nothing had ever felt so right. It made her next statement all that much harder to say.
“Reil.” The woman being spoken to looked up at the sound of her name, wondering what her fate would be. Emma looked once more into those eyes of springtime green, and found that this would be much harder than she had expected. If only she didn’t fall into those eyes everytime they were directed her way. “We’ve only known each other such a short period of time...” Reil knew what was coming. She stood up and composed herself. “No need to say anyting more Emma, I’ll be leaving now. I’m sorry to have troubled you so.” Emma rose to her feet, a look of desperation on her face, this wasn’t going as well as she had hoped. “No, you misunderstand. I just need time to think this over. It’s all very new to me.” She took Reil’s hands in her own, and felt once again a feeling of completeness that she was hopelessly getting used to. “When you’ve had time, you know where to reach me.” With this said, Reil tenderly kissed the tops of both of Emma’s hands, released them, and this time, actually made it out of the tent.
She stood outside for a moment, breathing deeply. Small puffs of her breath slowly disappearing in the cool night air. Well, she thought, that didn’t go *that* bad. She let out another sigh, who was she trying to kid anyway, that went lousy. The low sounds of the camp finally worked their way into her abused senses, and she made her way back to her own tent. Pulling off her frock coat, vest, hat and boots, she gratefully climbed into her cot, sleep not coming til the late hours of the night.
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Reil was sweating freely. The axe head resting on the ground at her feet, the handle leaning against her leg. She pulled a large hankerchief out of her pocket and wiped the sweat from her brow. Her not quite shoulderlength hair was matted to her face and neck. She pulled out her canteen and soaked the cloth with some water. Not wringing it out, she draped it around her neck, sticking the ends into the top of her shirt, closing her eyes as the water cooled her heated skin. Some of her men had chosen to remove their shirts, Reil, being an officer, had made it optional. She was thankful that she wasn’t alone, several others had opted to leave theirs on as well. Living on the edge, Reil mused, had it’s drawbacks.
She resumed her work silently, ignoring the friendly banter that the others shared, hauling around a fair sized tree for better positioning. Swinging the axe in clean, even strokes, she worked in silence. Each strike of the axe brought out good chunks of wood, each strike reminding her that her heart was ripping out in chunks, the days being the axe, her heart, the wood. It had been a week, and no word yet from Emma. Reil was resigning herself to the loss. But each day, instead of forgetting about the woman, the ache in her heart became more intense. Each night, she silently cried herself to sleep.
The day finished up, she collected her men, and headed back to her tent, stopping several times to answer questions directed her way by some of the soldiers. One needed new boots, another a new kepi, and yet another just wanted to try to get out of clearing trees the next day, citing blisters. The first two she sent to see the quartermaster, telling them that supplies were short, but to see what he had. The third she directed to Rock, and the two walked together to her tent.
Upon arriving, Rock quickly took care of the young soldiers hands and sent him on his way. The Captain ended up excusing him from duty on the trees tomorrow, for his hands were really quite torn up, but directed him to report tomorrow to him, to run some errands. The young man had thanked him, and took his leave, hands bandaged up. Reil was glad when he finally left, the energy it took to maintain her duties was becoming exhausting, and she couldn’t relax with the soldier in her tent. She collapsed onto her cot, throwing one arm over her eyes.
Rock moved over and stood next to the cot. “Reil, you’re working yourself too hard. Let your men do the work. You’ll kill yourself at this rate.” Reil moved her elbow up just a bit to throw a one-eyed glare his way. “Leave me be, I’m fine.” “No, you’re not, and I’m ordering you to take a two day pass. You’ve been working yourself into the ground for the last week, and you deserve some time off. You haven’t even taken any of the regular leave that you stored up, maybe even a longer rest is in order?” At the mention of taking so much time off, Reil bolted up into a sitting position. “You know darn good and well that I’m not taking that much time. I’ll take the two days, just to get you off my back.”
“Well, that’s more constructive energy than I’ve seen in you in quite a while. Maybe you’ll want to see what came for you today. If you hadn’t been so busy out in the field, I’d have brought it to you sooner.” He lifted a white envelope up, waving it in front of Reil’s face. It took her a minute to identify that it wasn’t from her father, then she snatched it out of Rock’s hand. “Oooo.....Rock....how could you....” She tore open the seal, then stopped suddenly. “I don’t recognize the handwriting, do you think it’s from her?” She said softly, looking up at Rock. She calmly collected her thoughts. What had made her think it was from Emma, afterall? She silently swore to herself that she would learn to live without the woman, her life had been a wreck since she had met her, but she had gotten along fine before meeting her. She would just have to do the same now. But just in case, she made ready for the worst. Ever so slowly, she took a deep breath, and opened the note.
Lt. Bardlow,
It has come to my attention, through a mutual friend, that you are stationed nearby. You, and your Captain are both cordially invited to share an evening at my home. It has been said that the 124th displayed themselves proudly recently upon a visit from President Lincoln. It would be an honor to meet you, seeing as how you did impress our leader so. The event will begin at six o’clock, 19th day of April, in the year of our Lord, eighteen hundred and sixty three. I have enclosed a brief map. I look forward to meeting you, as I have heard so much about you already from my dear friend Mrs. Collingsworth, who mentioned that she may attend. Until then, Lieutenant....
Most Graciously yours,
Mrs. Penelope Haversham
Reil didn’t know what to make of the letter. If she attended, she risked putting her heart on the line. What if Emma didn’t actually want to see her again, and they had to fumble about for the right words to say when they actually met again? The whole situation could be extremely awkward, and she wanted no repeat of a week ago. She had felt utterly childlike in her assumption that Emma would understand. Although Emma had said that she only needed time to think, Reil took this as a polite way to back out of a bad situation as gracefully as the woman knew how. To see her again, without actual word from her, could destroy the fragile hold on reality that Reil was desperately clinging to. She didn’t want to put herself out on a limb like that. Not again.
She handed the letter to Rock, who suddenly broke out in a grin from ear to ear. “What’s so great?” she asked, just a bit grumpy after working hard all day, only to come back and find out that her presence was requested at a party she didn’t want to go to. “Don’t you see, Reil?” Rock couldn’t believe how incredibly dense Reil was appearing at the moment. This was good news!
“See what?” she replied, a bit more testily than she probably should have. “All I see is another opportunity to embarass myself, no thank you. You go, you’re invited also. Go, have a good time. Without. Me.” She accentuated the last two words with sharp jabs to her pillow, which she had begun hugging while Rock read the note. Rock squattted down in front of her, resting both hands on her knees. “Reil, you know that before I took you in, I helped raise others.” The young woman gave a small nod. “I guess settling down and raising kids of my own was never meant to be, but I’ve raised quite a few, and they all turned out to be fine upstanding citizens.” She looked at Rock, raising one eyebrow in question, “What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?”
“Well,” he said, as his grin got even bigger, “Penelope was quite the young spitfire if I remember correctly...” He trailed off, letting the meaning of his words sink into the clouded mind of his latest ward. “Always did throw a nice party, lives not too far from here if I recall...” Reil lowered her head, letting it all register, blonde locks coming down to almost cover her eyes. She looked up, huffed one of those locks out of her way, and gave Rock a smirk. “How do you manage to always talk me into these things?” “You wait here, I’ll go get our passes cleared through the company clerk.” He was out of the tent in a flash. Reil got up and went to the door, peeked out, a small smile forming as she caught the older man doing a small jig as he made his way down the row of tents. “Ok, Reil,” she whispered to herself, “you can do this. Now where did I put my white gloves?”
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CHAPTER 5
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“Did you tell Jeremy that we would be needing Alcaeus?” Reil grabbed up her saddle, saddlebags and tack, preparing to walk out of the tent. It was early morning, and the ride to Mrs. Haversham’s estate would take most of the day. Rock had secured the necessary passes needed to leave camp for the day and had readied his horse nearby. All that was left was to collect Reil’s horse and they would be on their way. “Yup. Jeremy said he’d have her ready for us. Meet you down there?” Reil did a small bounce to rearrange her load, then nodded. They were on their way.
It wasn’t a long walk to the quartermaster’s area of the encampment, but Reil was a bit winded when she arrived. Both had opted to pack their dress uniforms, their utility coats and forage caps being better suited for the long ride ahead. That, plus all the gear made the saddlebags feel like they held cannon rounds instead of just clothing to the young woman. Dropping down her heavy load, she looked around, spotting Jeremy walking towards her with Alcaeus.
As they neared, she stepped around her gear, petting the large horse on the nose, and giving a scratch behind one of the twitching ears. “Hey, girl,” she whispered to the horse, resting her face along the sleek neck, “miss me?” The golden color palomino gave a huff and shook her head. “I’ll have to take that as a ‘yes’.” Reil gave a quirky grin to the horse, and received another head shake in return. “She been giving you any problems, Jeremy?” The dark haired boy shook his own head no. “Alcaeus is never a problem, Lt. Been doin’ just fine. Still don’t know why you won’t ride with her with the troops.” Reil left her horse in the care of Jeremy, a young private with the Quartermasters. Alcaeus pulled one of the smaller supply wagons, and in turn was fed and taken care of by them. It made things easier for Reil, who had more than enough things she needed to worry about, and it allowed her to have her horse with her (seeing her anytime she wished) but not have to worry about her constantly.
This had been an ongoing situation. While some officers chose to ride a mount, the lower grade officers were actually better off not riding. Reil liked being with the men, letting them know that she didn’t feel any better than them. She trugded through mud, rain and snow right along with them. This had earned her, at first, strange looks from her men. But in due time, they came to see the sacrifice for what it was...good leadership. They would even brag to other companies that *their* lieutenant put the needs of the men above personal needs. The first time Reil had found out about this, she was a bit embarassed. After all, to her it just made sense...how can you lead your men in battle if your making such a fine target for Johnny Reb up on the back of a horse? But she learned to live with it, and even learned to like it a bit as the men did seem to treat her differently for it.
“No need to Jeremy, just not my style.” She gave the young man a grin, and tossed him a coin. “Go down to the followers camp and have some fun tonight, why don’t cha?” He deftly grabbed the coin out of the air, and went on his way, after first asking if the lieutenant needed anything else. Reil hefted the saddle up into place, carefully checking and rechecking all the straps and buckles. Wouldn’t do to go to war just to break your fool neck falling off a horse. She attached the bridle, then the saddlebags, and swung up into the saddle just as Rock arrived.
The sun hadn’t quite risen yet as the two made their way out of the camp. Moving through their rear guard, they showed their passes to the outer limit sentries, setting an easy pace. The Haversham estate was a good full days’ ride and by the time they had stopped to rest the horses, the first leg of their journey was complete and they found they had made good time. They had been roughly following the river, and allowed the horses to drink their fill as they sat under a stately elm, shaded from the noonday sun. The days had been getting steadily warmer, summer slowly taking it’s place in the seasons cycle.
The two sat in silence, sipping from their canteens. This far north of the encampment there was little worry about coming across the enemy. Never the less, both had their service revolvers with them as a precaution, with their Enfield muskets secured to their saddles just in case.
Reil picked at her hardtack, too many uncertainties running through her mind to be much interested in eating. She flicked a maggot off into the bushes, losing her appetite even more. She thanked every god she could think of for the presence of the sutlers at the encampment, and wished that she had given herself the time to stop there before having begun this journey. In the beginning of the campaign, the hardtack had simply been tasteless, but filling. As the war wore on, it became infested, due mostly to the poor storage facilities. As it was, they were both stuck with their rations til they arrived at the party. Reil’s mouth watered at the thought, but then her thoughts sobered again, remembering the possibility that Emma would be there.
Reil snapped out of her musings when she realized that Rock was stowing away the last of their snack and preparing to mount up. Anxious, yet not, to be on their way, Reil stood, dusted herself off and walked over to her horse. “You seem awfully far away, Reil. Dont’ fret though, all will be as it is meant to be.” Reil marveled at Rock’s words. How could the man remain so optimistic? Or maybe he just appeared that way...those words he spoke could mean just about anything. She let the words toss about in her head, and felt a bit calmer knowing that Rock’s words were true. What would happen, would happen. She only hoped that whatever would happen would be over in as quick and painless a fashion as possible. “Sure Rock. Now let’s get going so we can let it happen that much sooner.” The two mounted and were on their way once again.
The sun was setting as they neared their destination. The had paused a few miles back to change into their dress uniforms. The nerves that had been dashing about wildly all day long seemed to have increased with Reil’s change of clothes. Rock had given up some time ago trying to talk to the young woman, understanding that nothing he said would change the situation. He silently rode along, hoping that his friend would hold up through the evening.
It was another one of those nights when the moon came up before the sun had fully set, but on this night it was also one of those rare times when the moon took on the appearance of being so close as to touch. The different bends in the road changed the perspective constantly, one time making it appear the size of a belt buckle, the next turn making a person think they could take out their knife and cut a slice out and save it for later. Reil again though of the moon goddess, and sent out a small prayer.
They came upon two stone pillars, a wide dirt road leading up to a grand old house. Two grooms came out to meet them at the entrance, taking their horses to the stables in the rear. They had timed their arrival just right, a fair sized crowd already could be seen inside. As they ascended the marble steps, they crossed the threshold of the door where they found themselves at the beginning of a recieving line. They politely greeted various people, some Reil had heard of, others not, all seemed to be rather important. As she moved along the line, she took a few moments to look around. They were in a large hallway, with a long staircase towards the back leading up to the second floor. The decor was plain, but Reil could tell that the furniture was simple yet well made. Paintings graced the walls, Havershams from years gone by, most likely. Off to the right were large double doors, open, revealing a grand sized ballroom. and across from that opening, on the opposite wall, another set of double doors, also open, revealing a large dining room.
Finally, towards the end of the line stood the host and hostess. Mrs. Haversham’s face lit up as she turned from greeting someone else and she saw Rock. “Oh, Papa! I’m so glad you could make it!” She chose to forgo the handshake and hugged the tall man in a sincere embrace. “Looking a bit thin...aren’t they feeding you?” Rock actually blushed a bit, lost in the charms of the woman who always thought to care for others above herself. “Feedin’ me fine Penny, worry not. You look fit. Selby old man, how are you?” He took Mr. Haversham’s hand in his own, giving it a heartfelt squeeze. The man smiled and shook his head, “Old my left foot! Who has the grey?” It was a long standing joke between the two, and Penny playfully slapped her husband on the arm. “Leave him be, Selby. Papa, why don’t you introduce us to your fine looking lieutenant here. He’s looking a bit lost.”
“Oh, my, where are my manners. Penny, Selby, this is Reil Bardlow. A finer soldier and truer friend you couldn’t find.” Rock practically beamed. “Ah, the infamous Lt. Bardlow, a pleasure to meet you at last.” Reil took the woman’s offered hand and gave a small bow, lips not quite touching the hand, as was considered appropriate. “A pleasure to meet you ma’am. Sir.” Reil released Penny’s hand to shake that of her husband. “Oh, and so well mannered! Come, you must meet everyone. Selby, I think we’re done here, don’t you?” It was easy to see who was in charge of this household. Reil tried hard to supress a grin.
Selby caught the look on Reil’s face. “Go ahead, giggle if you like, but you’ll find out one day when you’re married off young man!” He said it all in such a good natured way, Reil finally did let out a small laugh, joined in by the others as well. She felt immediately comfortable with these two, but was worried how many people Penny decided to show her off to. She had always managed to be on the other end of these things at the few functions she had attended before the war.
“Come along Lieutenant, the night won’t get any younger. Oh, look, there’s Mrs. Brisby, you simply must meet her.” Penny took Reil’s arm and led her off in the direction of the first target. Before they got there, Penny was whispering pointers in her ear. “She’s very nice. Husband is in the Zoaves, out of West Point, a graduate of there also, I believe. She’ll try to marry off her daughter to you, but no matter how tempting she makes the girl sound, agree to nothing! The girl has the face of a ferret, poor thing!”
They continued on along this vein as the night went by, Reil had met more people in the half hour she was there than she had ever thought existed. She finally away for a few minutes from the hostess and grabbed a drink. Finding a relatively secluded spot along one wall of the ballroom, she sipped her drink, still not knowing if Emma was there.
Reveling in her moment of solitude, she didn’t notice when Mrs. Brisby came at her from out of nowhere. “Did I tell you Ethel has just completed finishing school? We’d love to have you over for her debut. It will be in Philadelphia...just about anyone who’s anyone will be there...” Reil tuned the woman out, nodding now and again or mumbling the affirmative or negative at the appropriate times. She wasn’t about to go anywhere near this woman’s daughter. And it wasn’t just because of the fact that she wasn’t a man...the girls mother was just way too irritating! As she nodded and mumbled, her eyes scanned the crowded room. It seemed that the Havershams’ knew just about everyone.
Suddenly, she spotted Emma. Reil watched, fascinated, as the woman took a small pastry off the passing tray a servant held. With divine grace, she placed it in her mouth, savoring the small treat. Reil was jealous of that tasty treat, wishing she could reach the same status which the small morsel had undeservedly attained. Emma chose that moment to look up, and once again, blue met green. They became the only two people in an otherwise crowded room. Mrs. Brisby, realizing she had lost the attention of the good looking lieutentant, moved on through the crowd, just a little peeved, muttering to herself about young folks these days.
What Reil saw in those eyes of amazing blue, nearly took her breath away. She saw desire, clear and unblemished. There could be no mistaking it, but she also saw uncertainty. She felt it as well. Well, she thought, I *am* the man here. Might as well take advantage of it. And with that thought in mind, she went and asked Emma to dance.