CHAPTER 9
Reil stood staring at the place on the kitchen floor where her father had drawn his last breath. There was no stain, no mark to indicate the area as anything more special than the rest of the floor. She found that oddly disturbing, that the evidence of his death could be so fleeting as to be easily washed away. The young woman slipped into a battle weary stare, seeing everything and nothing, both at once. As if far away, her mind barely registered the fact that Flo was singing as the housekeeper changed sheets and cleaned the house. A hymn, she absently thought. How ironic.
She had little faith in any god who could allow this type of thing to happen. Not just the death of her father by her own hands, but the whole war in general. What kind of faith could she have in a god who stood by as a country tore itself apart with hatred? Where was the sense in it all? Her inner struggle over the fact that she had to save Emma, by killing her father, was wreaking havoc on her mind. On the one hand, she was immensely grateful that Emma was unhurt, while at the same time, was devastated over the fact that she had to kill her own blood kin to ensure the womans’ safety. Nevermind that she didn’t know it was her father at the time...but did that absolve her of guilt? Could it have had a different outcome? She didn’t think so, and this frustrated her even more. An old song floated through her memory, blending in with the song Flo was singing.
On my honour, I will try,
There’s a duty to be done, And I say “aye”.
There’s a reason here, for a reason above,
My honour is to try and my duty is to love.
She let the song melt into the very fiber of her being. There was a reason that things happen, even though the path may not be clear. She had joined in this war because she felt a duty. A duty to not only do the right thing, but to ensure that future generations had a chance to live in freedom. The Confederacy was slowly turning into a dictatorship, from what she had heard, and knew that the founding fathers had never intended such a thing. She had only tried her best, even though the results were unimaginable. Reil had loved her father, and had never intended to hurt him, in any way. The words of the song soothed her, helped ease the pain. A little of her trust in God had been healed, the simple words reminding her that in her own way, she had tried, and she had loved. The rest was up to God. She only hoped God would understand.
Emma came up behind her, wrapping her arms around the smaller woman. “That was a beautiful song. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it before.” Reil leaned back, accepting the embrace, placing her hands on the woman’s forearms. She hadn’t realized she had been singing out loud. “Oh...uh..it really is related to something entirely different, but somehow, oddly, it fits my situation. I learned it a long time ago. From...my father.”
“Are you going to be alright?” Emma didn’t want to push the woman, but she also didn’t want her falling into a well of self pity that she might never climb out of. “Yeah,” Reil slowly replied, “I think so. Can I ask you something?” Emma’s head brushed against the side of her own. “Did you know what his name was? Before now?” Reil had to know. Somewhere deep inside, she knew the answer might shred that final bit of sanity she was currently clinging to, but she just had to know.
“No.” Reil let out a breath she didn’t remember holding. “He told me his name was Sykes. Please, believe me, I would have told you. Something like that would have been too coincidental to let pass by.” This gave Reil some thought, as she dug through long forgotten memories as to where she had heard the name before. “I think...yes...that was my grandmothers maiden name. Why do you suppose he would use that name, rather than his own?”
“I can only assume, due to his position, that he needed an alias. I know he was in charge of the spy network for the Confederates, and I only came across that information by accident one time. It seems there weren’t too many people between him and Jefferson Davis. I met with him just five times in almost a year and a half. The last time being this morning.” She paused, unsure if a simple apology would be taken as anything but sounding trite. “Reil, I really am so sorry this all happened. If I had told you sooner, maybe...” Reil cut her off. “I would have only known enough more to have shot him on first sight. It wouldn’t have made any difference. It’s not your fault, Emma. This war has damaged us all.”
Emma knew an answer was unnecessary. The statement was true, no matter how much it hurt to admit it. They were forever changed because of this war. She would always, however, feel guilty. “You realize I’ll have to leave soon.” Emma nodded once more against Reil’s head. “I figured as much. But you need to rest. You can’t catch up to Rock, he probably left at first light to make it back to the camp. Why don’t you lie down, get some rest. I’ll need to change your bandage as well.” The day was finally catching up to Reil and she readily agreed, leaning back deeper into the connection they still shared. “Sounds good. A short nap wouldn’t hurt.”
Reil sat propped up against the headboard of the bed while Emma made short work of removing the old bandage, cleaning the wound, and placing a new bandage on the woman’s arm. As she rose from the side of the bed, preparing to allow the woman some time alone, a small hand came up and hesitantly wrapped itself around her wrist. “Please don’t go.” Emma wondered if she would ever truely be able to deny any request this amazing woman desired. She climbed up onto the bed, propped a pillow up next to Reil’s on the headboard, stretching out her long form on the bed.
Emma’s gentle touch while tending her arm had reminded Reil of the strong desire which had pulled her towards this woman. All she was sure of, was that she deeply needed her close by. It was as if, by distance, she would leave a part of herself behind. Right now, she was feeling lost and alone. So much had happened in such a short amount of time, and if Emma took a part of her even a short distance away, she didn’t know how she could bear it. At a point in her life when she felt most disgusted with herself, Emma had stood by her, held her, wasn’t afraid to be there for her. And Reil was reluctant to lose that sense of security she felt when she was in Emma’s embrace.
Still somewhat uncomfortable with their new found feelings, Reil scooted over until she was shoulder to shoulder with the other woman. They sat that way for some time, content in the silence. Although very tired just moments before, the blonde soldier found herself wide awake. She looked over, saw that Emma’s eyes were closed, but knew by the sound of her breathing that she wasn’t asleep. “Could you...well....maybe...hold me?” The dark haired woman opened her eyes, the corners of her mouth turning up in a small smile. “I’d like that,” came the soft response, “if that’s what you’d like.” Emma lifted an arm up, and Reil snuggled under it, still resting her head against the backboard.
Reil placed a small kiss on the corner of Emma’s lips, “I’d like that very much.” she responded, her voice low. “You said something last night...” That pesky blush made it’s timely appearance. She felt a surge of boldness, accompanied by a flash of intense desire that had everything to do with the close proximity of the tall beauty by her side. “What was that?” Emma responded, accepting another gentle kiss from her soldier. “Something about trying a little bit of everything...” Another kiss, this one a bit bolder. Reil’s hand came up, tracing the outline of Emma’s face, marveling in the soft texture beneath her fingers. She traced her fingers along soft, inviting lips, and began kissing her way along the path that her fingers were forging.
Neither woman knew, at any given point, where she ended and the other began. Clothing found the floor as they pulled back the covers and slipped between the sheets to escape the slight chill of the room. Gentle hands explored new territory as they learned the ways of each others bodies. Each flying high on their feelings, never wanting the sensations to end.
A healing also took place, parts of two torn, abused souls finding each other in a way that was pure instinct. Reil understood that she could still be loved, even after all that had happened. Emma found a healing as well. That part of her which she had carefully closed off for well over a year opened up, letting in this remarkable woman whos’ touch was like fire to her kindling. There was some laughter, a few tears, and a sense of finally coming home for both women. The laughter eased the bumbling attempts that each made, so unsure of what to do. The tears coming as their depth of feeling was tapped, drained, then discovered again. The sense of homecoming was profound. For it was only at home, that a peace like this existed. A peace that neither woman had known before.
Some time later, wrapped in each others arms, bodies entwined, they lay there staring into one anothers eyes. Emma ran a lazy hand down along Reil’s side, immensely grateful that Reil had overcome her apparent shyness. There was no shyness now, the woman had shown her a passion that had come from somewhere hidden deep inside, and she was thankful that she had chosen to show it to her. Reil absently twirled a strand of long, sable hair about her finger. She basked in the newfound sensations the two had explored, and wondered if her new lover felt the same wonderment. “I’m still scared about the future, but I feel better knowing you’re in it. You make me feel so...right, so connected. Will it always be like this?”
Emma smiled, thinking that the scent of the woman, alone, would cause her to react and feel this way each, and every, time. “Well, that’s up to us, I guess. But I have the feeling something much deeper is happening to us that we can only go along with. To deny it much longer, I believe, would rip our souls to their foundations.” She gently nibbled along the smaller woman’s neck, causing sweet sounds to come forth as her lover responded to the attention. “So you feel it too?” The question came in a whisper, almost as though the words themselves were feared to be heard. “Yes.” Emma brushed blonde hair away from eyes that were steadily showing signs of drifting off into sleep. “Well, I guess there’s only one thing left to do.” Reil lifted her head up a bit, to get a clear view of the woman who held not only her body in her arms, but her soul as well. “What’s that, love?” Reil swallowed hard, daring herself to deny the emotions this woman was causing. Taking a deep breath, she could feel the blood pounding in her ears. Boldness before had been one thing. This was a leap of pure faith. “I guess I’ll just have to make an honest woman out of you. Emma Collingsworth, will you marry me?”
Emma blinked once, twice. A tear rolled down her face, her own emotions hammering away at her senses. “If you’ll have me. Yes.” The two women stared at each other, both surprised, one at the asking, the other at the answer. Slowly a smile broke out on each face, and they drew each other closer, unable to meld their bodies into one, but content none the less. They lay like that for quite a while, neither wanting to let go of the fierce hug.
Finally pulling apart, they once again gazed at one another. Reil was the first to break the silence. “This could get complicated.” Emma burst out laughing. “What’s so funny?” Reil let a bit of irritation show, not seeing the humor in her statement. “Reil...I don’t think things could get any more complicated than they already are!” Reil thought about that for a moment, her emotions being battered too much already this day. Soon she too started laughing, the simple statement helping to heal even more the pain in her heart.
They could hear Flo bustling about the kitchen, no doubt preparing dinner. Knowing that the housekeeper would never let them go without eating, Emma pulled Reil closer once more. “Get some sleep, you really do need some rest.” Fighting to keep her eyes open for just a bit more, Reil sleepily replied, “Weren’t thinking of that when we started. Guess I must’ve had a burst of energy or something.” Emma was drifting off as well, utterly content with the small woman tucked up beside her. “Or something.” came the drowsy reply. Soon both women were sound asleep, finally getting some much needed rest. Little did they know...destiny wasn’t through with them just yet.