END OF PART I
SCENE 1- Intr. of a coffee shop. Day. Eugene, an average slightly under-exercised yet thin, alienated, urban 27 years old, wearing a nice tan jacket and an understated blue shirt, no tie. He is waiting patiently and eating a doughnut . Then KYLE enters the shop. He is sportily dressed & dark haired. He is wearing Ray-Bans and is perhaps fondling a tennis racket.
KYLE
-- I got your message. What happened?
EUGENE
-- What do you mean what happened? Teresa and I are splitting up. Getting divorced. Kaput. The end.
KYLE
-- That’s terrible. You two always seemed so perfect for each other.
EUGENE
-- That’s what I thought. Where were you last week anyway?
KYLE
-- I told you that I’d be in Mexico all week.
EUGENE
-- Geez, I don’t remember you telling me that. I’ve tried to call you almost every day.
KYLE
-- I know. I know. You left seventeen messages on my recorder.
EUGENE
-- I’m sorry. I just didn’t know who else to talk to.
KYLE
-- It’s O.K. So . . . so how did it happen? Was there another man?
EUGENE
-- No. No there wasn’t. Although she’s already moved in with somebody else.
KYLE
-- I thought you said this only happened a week ago.
EUGENE
-- It did.
KYLE
-- And she found somebody else so fast?
EUGENE
-- She met him at the health club just three days ago.
KYLE
-- Who was it?
EUGENE
-- She didn’t say. Tom somebody I think.
KYLE
-- But she didn’t know him before this.
EUGENE
-- No, she’d never been to a gym before.
KYLE
-- Then why did you guys decide to split up?
EUGENE
-- Well, up until a week ago, our marriage was running pretty smoothly, I thought. Then, Teresa read an article in Cosmo about how married couples should see a marriage counselor . . . even when they’re not have problems. Sort of like giving your car a tune-up. I thought it sounded like a waste of $50, but I didn’t say anything. I just wanted to keep Teresa happy. So, the next day there we were at this marriage counselor’s . . .
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SCENE 2 - Fade to Intr. of a marriage counselor’s office. The office is cluttered with little bizarre trinkets. The desk is covered in papers and various other paraphernalia. The walls are lined with happy cute little posters alá the dentist’s. The counselor - a large, chubby-plump (almost but not quite fat), sadistic lady wearing horn rimmed glasses, bright purple and pink swirled blouse and a string of pearls is sitting behind the desk. In front of the cluttered desk sit (in uncomfortable plastic chairs) EUGENE and TERESA a well-built, tanned, blonde with serious blue eyes. She is wearing a modest white miniskirt and a denim long-sleeved workshirt. On top of her head (she’s not wearing them) are a suitable pair of sunglasses.
COUNSELOR
-- So . . . why don't you explain what's going on, Eugene.
EUGENE
-- Oh, well, nothing really.
COUNSELOR
-- Oh, come now. Something must be bothering you guys.
TERESA
-- Nah. We're just fine.
COUNSELOR
-- Well, there has to be some reason why you two are visiting me.
TERESA
-- We're here to give our marriage a little spit shine. Nothing like a tune-up to keep the engine running. (laughs snortingly)
EUGENE
-- Uh, yeah, . . . that.
COUNSELOR
-- I know I'm the one getting paid around here. But I can't do any work unless you guys tell me something. I am a marriage counselor you know.
EUGENE
-- I know that in your line of work you probably get the idea that all married couples are having some sort of problem, but we're doing O.K. actually.
COUNSELOR
(Rumaging through her papers, finally finding what she was looking for)
-- Hmm, Let me just look at the checklist. So, Teresa, Is Eugene here sleeping with his secretary?
TERESA
-- What! well, of course not! He doesn't have a secretary . . . he's a violinist.
COUNSELOR
-- O.K. Does he go out of town a lot?
TERESA
(getting a little irritated)
-- No. As a matter of fact, he plays for the local symphony just across the street from our house. I go to most of his concerts.
EUGENE
-- Just what are you driving at here?
COUNSELOR
-- Nothing but, surely there must be something bothering you two. Couples don't just come to see me for no reason. Now what's troubling you?
EUGENE
-- No, really, our marriage is pretty close to perfect. I'm mean not everything's perfect but usually . . .
TERESA
(interrupting)
-- What do you mean not everything's perfect?
COUNSELOR
-- Yes, Eugene. I think that it's time that fully communicated with Teresa. Let out all your complaints and grievances so we can work them out together and make a happy, wonderful marriage. So, go on. Tell Teresa what you don't like about her. Go on and tell her.
EUGENE
-- Well, uh, gee, I don't know. It's just that . . . oh it's nothing really.
COUNSELOR
(getting a little frusterated and yelling)
-- Tell her you, nitwit!!
EUGENE
-- Well, Teresa, honey, darling, it's not that I don't think you're a wonderful cook. It's just that well . . . I don't know. Maybe we should eat something other than spaghetti, you know just once and while.
TERESA
(disheartened and sad)
-- You don’t like my spaghetti? I work at it all day.
EUGENE
-- No, I . . . I love your spaghetti. It’s the best spaghetti I’ve ever had. It's just that it’s been over a year and half now and I'd like to taste some meat.
TERESA
(accusingly)
-- What's the matter? My spaghetti not good enough for you! Or maybe you just want me to be a slave to the oven isn't that right, you little chauvinist pig!! Barefoot and Pregnant, that's what you want isn't it, Gene?!?
EUGENE
(trying to be funny)
-- Can't get pregnant without sex.
COUNSELOR
-- Isn't this wonderful. We call this problem-sharing. When one of you has a problem, you talk about it with your spouse until you come up with a solution like this one.
EUGENE
-- Solution! What solution? Are we still having spaghetti for dinner?
TERESA
(abruptly)
-- Yes.
EUGENE
(to the COUNSELOR)
-- Thanks a lot.
COUNSELOR
-- Now that we've got that settled. Teresa, is there any "problem-sharing" you'd like to do with Eugene?
TERESA
-- He squeezes his toothpaste from the middle.
EUGENE
-- What?!?
TERESA
-- Every night he squeezes it out from the middle instead of rolling it up from the ends.
EUGENE
(apologetic)
-- I'm sorry. I didn't know how you liked your toothpaste squeezed.
TERESA
(angrily)
-- You never asked!
EUGENE
(sarcastic)
-- Well, I'll just stop brushing my teeth.
TERESA
-- Fine.
EUGENE
-- Yep. I'll let them turn all yellow and guky and they'll fall out. And I'll . . . I'll die from gingivitis.
TERESA
-- Just fine.
COUNSELOR
-- Actually you can't die from a case of gingivitis.
EUGENE
-- You stay out of this!
TERESA
-- And I hate the way he dresses. Particularly that ugly green and purple tie . . .
EUGENE
-- Hey! My Uncle Charlie gave me that tie.
TERESA
(confidentially to the COUNSELOR)
-- The same Uncle Charlie, who was arrested for fondling 8-year old girls.
EUGENE
-- I still say he was framed so he'd lose the re-election.
COUNSELOR
-- Tell me more about your husband's problems, Teresa.
TERESA
-- And he’s still plating second violin . . .
EUGENE
-- Uncle Charlie always liked you. Ever since we were kids. Remember all those Christmas presents he gave you when you were a little girl.
TERESA
-- . . . he could be making twice as much money. All he has to do is ask for a chance to audition and they’ll move him up. I think he's afraid of the concert master (glares at EUGENE) Donald Karlin. He only makes $18,000 a year, but he’s still afraid of him.
EUGENE
-- I am not afraid of Don Karlin. I just don’t think I’m ready for the first violins yet. And why are you always harping at me about money. We make enough to live don’t we?
COUNSELOR
-- Well, now this is good. I feel we're doing some real heavy-duty problem-sharing. Now, Eugene, you promise to quit your lousy and job, stop squirting the toothpaste from the middle, and throw away that nasty little tie of yours.
EUGENE
-- What!?! When did I promise this?
COUNSELOR
-- Well, that's what problem-sharing's all about, Eugene. Everybody has to make compromises for the sake of the marriage.
EUGENE
-- Compromises? Compromises! Who's side are you on anyway?
COUNSELOR
(righteously indignant)
-- Well, I know I’m not supposed to take sides on this, but I think you’re the one who’s abusing your rights as a husband.
EUGENE
-- This is ridiculous! She’s the one who’s using me.
COUNSELOR
-- Now, we know that in 83% of all failed marriages, it is the man who’s taking advantage of the woman.
EUGENE
(getting up to leave)
-- Well, we were both doing fine until we came in here.
TERESA
-- I don’t know about that, Gene. We do have some problems we need to work out. Maybe it’s time we thought about a seperation.
EUGENE
-- Teresa! Are you talking about a divorse?
TERESA
-- I wasn’t going to go that far, but since you suggested it . . .
EUGENE
(to the COUNSELOR)
-- You call yourself a counselor?!? You've single-handedly undone my entire marriage.
COUNSELOR
-- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. This is my first day on the job.
TERESA
-- Could you recommend a good divorse attorney?
EUGENE
-- What? Already? You’re not even going to think about this?
COUNSELOR
-- A Mrs. Clairy gave me a couple of her business cards. Said I might need them. (hands one to TERESA)
EUGENE
-- What is this . . . I can't afford an attorney.
TERESA
-- Now that I'm dating again . . . do you know any interesting men?
COUNSELOR
-- Well, my last couple just broke up. The guy seemed really nice to me, but I . . .
EUGENE
-- How? How could you do it?
TERESA
-- Me? ME?!? It's all you fault!
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SCENE 3- Back in the coffee shop. EUGENE and KYLE are still talking.
KYLE
-- That’s awful. How could you let that woman do that to you?
EUGENE
-- Oh, the marriage counselor was only doing her job. I really think there were some underlying tensions before then. I had just never noticed them.
KYLE
-- I’m not talking about the marriage counselor. How could let Teresa do that to you?
EUGENE
-- Well, I don’t know. I guess it was kind of my fault. I should’ve asked her how she liked her toothpaste squeezed . . . I don’t know.
KYLE
-- Eugene. The woman was taking advantage of you. She wanted to be a housewife without doing any of the work. And you let her get away with it.
EUGENE
-- Well, I loved her.
KYLE
-- No, you just loved the fact that someone would actually marry you. How many women did you date before you met Teresa?
EUGENE
-- I, uh, don’t remember. It was long time ago.
KYLE
-- Less than two years.
EUGENE
-- Well . . . I’m more selective about the women I date than you. You’ll ask out anything on two legs.
KYLE
-- I’ll bet you she’s the first women you ever really dated.
EUGENE
-- That’s not true. I took Sally Jo out to the senior prom before that.
KYLE
-- You see? You took the first girl who came along. That’s how you ended up in so much trouble.
EUGENE
-- Beggars can’t choosers.
KYLE
-- Geez, Gene, you’re not a beggar. You’re nice and funny and well-off and . . . and even vaguely attractive. I bet the girls would just love to get their hands on you.
EUGENE
-- Now you’re the one who’s acting crazy.
In the background, slightly out-of-focus while all this dialogue is going on, we can see the cashier. First a very fat woman comes up and orders a large box of doughnuts, pays for them grabs her purchase and leaves. Then some guy wearing a ski mask comes up and pulls out a gun. The cashier puts his arm in the air. The two appear to be arguing for a short while and then the cashier apparently recognizes the robber. The two shake hands and then hug like two old friends who haven’t seen each other in a long while. The two each grab a cup of coffee, sit down at a near-by table and start talking . . .
KYLE
-- No. I’m serious. You know what you need, Gene?
EUGENE
-- What?
KYLE
-- A good lay.
EUGENE
-- What?!?
KYLE
-- You need some sex. I could recommend a couple girls for you.
EUGENE
-- Geez, Kyle, Is . . is that your answer for everything? You act as though sex could cure cancer.
KYLE
-- Hey that’s never been disproven you know.
EUGENE
-- I don’t think I could do that. The divorce won’t be finalized for another week or two. I’d . . . I’d feel like I was cheating on Teresa.
KYLE
-- She’s already moved in with someone else.
EUGENE
-- Well, yeah, but still. I think there is more to a relationship than just the . . . uh, you know physical end of it.
KYLE
-- I happen to know that you weren’t getting any with Teresa.
EUGENE
-- It’s not exactly her fault that she’s . . . (quieter so the other patrons can’t hear) frigid.
KYLE
-- I wouldn’t be too sure of that.
EUGENE
-- Well, it wasn’t MY fault anyway.
KYLE
-- I wouldn’t be too sure of that either.
EUGENE
-- Wha- What are you saying? That she was faking it.
KYLE
-- Women have been known to fake almost anything.
EUGENE
-- Like, I’m going take advice about women from you.
KYLE
-- Now, Gene, we must admit that I’ve had much more experience than you have. You were married for two years, you know.
EUGENE
-- It was only 19 months.
KYLE
-- Still, it gave me a chance to meet a lot more women than you.
EUGENE
-- Those . . . those were not women, they were girls. There’s a difference you know.
KYLE
-- Close enough. I still have more experience. (sips his coffee thoughtfully) You really liked being married didn’t you?
EUGENE
(sighing with regret)
-- More than I liked Teresa herself probably.
KYLE
-- I couldn’t stand it being tied down like that. I’ll never get married
EUGENE
-- I know. You’re idea of a good time is someone you don’t have to see again after the night’s over.
KYLE
-- Hey. You don’t have to worry about alimony payments after a one night stand. Which brings up a good point, how are you two going to settle the legal end of all this?
EUGENE
-- She’s got this lawyer, Mrs. Clairy, who’s going to handle all of that for both of us.
KYLE
-- That’s not such a good idea Eugene. Each one of you should bring in your own attorney. It’s safer that way.
EUGENE
-- Well, I’d like to but I can’t really afford to. Besides I don’t think that Teresa would take advantage of me.
KYLE
-- I think that she already did.
-------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 4 - Outside of EUGENE’s house. He walks to his door, removes his key from his pocket and puts it in the doorknob. It doesn’t fit. He checks the key. It still doesn’t fit. Finally, he gives up and rings the doorbell. TERESA answers.
TERESA
-- What do you want?
EUGENE
-- I . . . I want to go inside. What are you doing here?
TERESA
-- I live here.
EUGENE
-- You live he- This is my house.
TERESA
-- Not any more.
EUGENE
-- Did Mrs. Clairy do this?
TERESA
-- Yes.
EUGENE
-- This isn’t fair! I don’t have a lawyer yet. You can’t start using yours till I’ve got one of my own.
TERESA
-- You’re being childish again, Eugene.
EUGENE
-- I am not, am not, am not!
TERESA
(reprovingly)
-- Eugene.
EUGENE
-- Why do you need this house? I thought you moved in with someone else, anyway.
TERESA
-- I did. Tom sold his place. Now we live here.
EUGENE
-- But - but this place is right across the street from the symphony.
TERESA
-- I know. That’s why we love it so, here. So much culture.
EUGENE
-- I . . . I work there.
TERESA
-- I don’t see why you need a house this size for yourself anyway. There’s two of us and only one of you. Why don’t you just get yourself an apartment or something?
EUGENE
-- Because I already paid for this house. Or at least most of it anyway. I’m not leaving this lawn until you give me my house back.
TERESA
-- Now, don’t make me call the cops, Eugene. I could do that you know.
EUGENE
-- Really?
TERESA
-- Yes. It’s called trespassing.
EUGENE
-- But . . . I live here.
TERESA
-- Not anymore you don’t. You don’t want go jail now, do you Eugene?
EUGENE
-- No. No. No.
TERESA
-- Then are you going to leave?
EUGENE
(resigned)
-- I’m leaving. You can have the house.
TERESA
-- See you later.
EUGENE
(starts to leave, but then turns around quickly)
-- Could I get my stuff out first?
TERESA
-- Here I’ll get it for you.
She goes inside and rustles around a little bit. When she does return she is carrying only a violin in a violin case and a ton of disorganized papers, mostly music, in a folder.
EUGENE
-- What?!? This is it?
TERESA
-- Pretty much. Yeah.
EUGENE
-- I don’t deserve this you know.
TERESA
(Indicating the entire house and every thing that’s in it)
-- I know, but I do deserve this.
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SCENE 5 - Door of a small run-down apartment. The word “MANAGER” is printed on it. EUGENE is trying to juggle all of his paper and violin in one arm while knocking on the door with the other. As the door opens., EUGENE loses grasp of everything and it all comes falling out, flying all over. At the door is the manager of the apartment building. She is a small, mousy women in her late 20’s. Her hair is short and she is wearing a pair of round, wire-rimmed glasses that seem too big for her face. She is dressed like a lonely librarian. Not the prude, up-tight kind, but more the shy, small, would-like-to-be-somebody-but-doesn’t-know-how-to-act-well-around-people kind. Her name is SHAUNA.
SHAUNA
-- Yes?
EUGENE
(on his hands and knees trying to gather all his things)
-- I, uh, thought that, well, I read in the newspaper that you have some, uh, apartments to lease.
SHAUNA
-- That’s right.
EUGENE
(having picked up everything and straightened himself again)
-- I’d like to lease one of them . . . please.
SHAUNA
(checks her watch . . . as if she had something else to do)
-- Uh, yeah. Sure I could show them to you right now.
EUGENE
-- Why thanks. Thanks a lot. You’re a life saver.
-------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 6 - Intr. of a large empty lavish apartment.
SHAUNA
(saying something obviously memorized that she really doesn’t care about)
-- . . . 4,000 square feet with real Red Oak paneling. The kitchen has a . . .
EUGENE
(Interrupting, but still trying to be polite to this small fragile woman)
-- Uh, just how much does it cost?
SHAUNA
-- But I didn’t show you the kitchen yet.
EUGENE
-- Look. I really don’t care right now. My wife just took my house and I need somewhere to sleep tonight.
SHAUNA
-- So . . . you’re single?
EUGENE
-- I guess, technically, I am.
SHAUNA
-- Hmm . . .
EUGENE
-- Not really. I wouldn’t want to bore you with the details right now. So, what’s the price on this baby?
SHAUNA
-- Right now it’s going at . . . uh . . . (checks a stack of papers she has with her, does some calculations in her head) $1,400 a month.
EUGENE
-- Ouch. I really could use some place a little cheaper.
SHAUNA
-- Well, I’ve only got one other space that’s open immediately.
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SCENE 7 - Intr. of EUGENE’s apartment-to-be. It is littered with overturned furniture, dirty clothes and magazines. It is dirty and quite small.
SHAUNA
-- . . . 500 square feet. With real(checks the wall with her fingernail) plaster walls . . .
EUGENE
-- What happened here?
SHAUNA
-- Well, the family who used to leave here had to leave suddenly.
EUGENE
-- You mean a whole family lived here?
SHAUNA
-- Yeah. There were eight of them.
Suddenly realizing how ridiculous that was, the both of them begin to laugh. Slowly at first until they become quite well-amused . . . they are not cracking up over this however.
EUGENE
-- You don’t seem like a real landlady to me.
SHAUNA
-- Huh? Why not?
EUGENE
-- I don’t know. I always think of landladies as crabby, old, women, I guess. You just seem too nice.
SHAUNA
-- Well, actually I’m not really a landlady. What I really want to be is a poet. My father used to own this building till he died. Now I just run it to keep a steady income coming in.
EUGENE
-- Hmm . . . Have you got anything published?
SHAUNA
-- What - no. I, uh, don’t like it when people reading my poetry, actually.
EUGENE
-- That’s too bad. I’d like to read it sometime.
SHAUNA
-- No really it’s O.K. (trying to change the subject) This place is only $450 a month.
EUGENE
-- Oh, great. I’ll take it.
SHAUNA
-- I’ve got the lease right here. (shuffling through her papers, finally producing the correct document) Sign this, deposit - what? - oh, $50 and you can start moving in as soon as you get everything you need.
EUGENE
-- This is everything I own, now. (drops his stuff on the table, signs lease, and pays SHAUNA) What’s your name?
SHAUNA
-- Me? I’m Shauna. Shauna Renaltro.
EUGENE
-- Hi. My name’s Eugene Simon. Uh . . . (very nervous) Since you’re the only person I know in this neighborhood. I was, you know, wondering if you would like to have some dinner with me tomorrow night? Assuming you’re single.
SHAUNA
-- Yes. Yes, quite. Well, um. Yeah, yes. I’m single that is, but tomorrow night I’m eating with my sister. So . . . s how about Thursday?
EUGENE
-- I’ll be working Thursday evening.
SHAUNA
-- Oh? Where do you work?
EUGENE
-- I’m a violinist for the local symphony. Second violin.
SHAUNA
-- Really? I love hearing you guys. Last season when you did Rossastrani’s Overture, I wept.
EUGENE
-- That’s great. So, how’s Friday then?
SHAUNA
-- Yes. Friday’s good. I like Fridays.
EUGENE
-- I’ll pick you up around seven.
SHAUNA
-- Perfect. Seven’s good . . . Great. That’ll be perfect. You know where I live then?
EUGENE
-- Yes, I remember. I was just there.
SHAUNA
-- I’ll see you Friday at seven, then.
EUGENE
-- Friday at seven.
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SCENE 8 - Dissolve to the same shot (as we left off with) of the intr. of EUGENE’s apartment. It is now well-kept but still quite small. EUGENE is sitting in a chair. He is playing the violin. He’s playing long notes that don’t change. You can sort of hear him counting under his breath to keep from losing his count within these interminable notes. We circle around EUGENE to see the sheet music from which he is playing. It reads “Symphony #13. 2nd mov.” Underneath are scores and scores of whole notes being held together. At the very beginning of the piece is 36 bars of rests. He plays for a while (long enough for us to get the joke that he isn’t really playing anything - yet not so long that we all get bored.) And then the phone rings. He sets down the violin and answers the phone.
EUGENE
-- Hello . . . Oh hi mom . . . Oh I’m doing fine . . . What? . . . no, I haven’t seen her in a while . . . I heard she’s moved in the someone else . . . I’m not bitter, mom . . . I know, I know, you told me it never work out . . . No I haven't met anybody yet, geez . . . So how are you? . . . That’s good to hear . . . I, I hope those sea otter really appreciate that . . . Oh nothing mom . . . So how’s Patience? I haven’t heard from him since he ran off and joined that nudist colony in Florida . . . What? He’s - he’s dead . . . Oh that’s terrible . . . How did it happen . . . That’s a terrible way to die . . . especially if you’re naked . . . Huh? . . . Oh sure, I’ll come out for the funeral . . . Yeah, I’ll see you there . . . Oh, I don’t think it would be a good idea to bring your camera . . . Why? Well some people don’t like it when you take pictures at funerals . . . Who? I don’t like it when you take pictures at funerals . . .Yes, I know the whole family’ll be there . . . O.K. bring it I don’t care . . . Yeah bye, mom . . . Love you . . . Bye.
Dials another number.
EUGENE
-- Yes hello, Shauna? . . . No my apartment’s fine . . . No, no everything’s great, I love it . . . Yes, well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about . . . I won’t be able to make it . . . No I Haven’t changed my mind . . . I still like you fine, Shauna . . . It’s just that my brother died . . . what? no I’m O.K. . . . Well, he wasn’t actually my brother . . . He was my half brother . . . But the wake is going to be held in Florida, so I’m afraid that I’ll have to cancel our da - dinner tonight . . . well, I should be back in town by Sunday. Why don’t we try again then? . . . How about Tuesday? . . . No I’m meeting with my ex-wife and her lawyer that night . . . Yeah, were going to get it all finalized . . . Heh - heh, right. Free at last, free at last. . . . Yeah Monday will be fine . . . at seven then? . . . O.K. I’ll see you then . . . thanks for understanding . . . bye.
-------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 9 - Intr. of the same coffee shop from the beginning. EUGENE and KYLE are talking. They are wearing different outfits as it is another day.
EUGENE
-- Thanks for coming by on such short notice.
KYLE
-- No problem. What’s up?
EUGENE
-- I was wondering if you could water my plants for me while I’m gone.
KYLE
-- Sure. You would do the same for me.
EUGENE
-- If you ever told me when you were leaving.
KYLE
-- Hey, look. I don’t have any plants. What do I need you to do? Water the carpet? Where you going to anyway?
EUGENE
-- Florida.
KYLE
-- Ooh, so you decided to take my advice.
EUGENE
-- What?
KYLE
-- Lot of nice looking chicks there . . . in bikinis too.
EUGENE
-- No. That’s not it at all.
KYLE
-- Why else would anyone go to Florida?
EUGENE
-- My brother - well, half brother actually. He just died and I’m going to his funeral.
KYLE
-- Still, you should have some time after that. You never know.
EUGENE
-- Look. I’m not going to pick up on any chicks at my own brother’s funeral. Besides he’s going to be buried at his nudist colony . . .
KYLE
-- Those are the best. It’s a lot easier to get nudist than a nun to take her clothes off.
EUGENE
-- You’ve got a sick mind, Kyle. Oh, would you mind telling the guys why I won’t be in for practice on Thursday.
KYLE
-- No problem. (pause) I heard you didn’t make first violin again.
EUGENE
-- Yeah.
KYLE
-- You never told Teresa about all those times you auditioned, did you?
EUGENE
-- Uh . . . No. She thought I was a much better musician than I really am. I didn’t want to disappoint her.
KYLE
-- I think you did anyway.
EUGENE
-- You know, I’ve auditioned for that guy like seventeen times now. I swear that Donald just has it in for me. I don’t know what I did . . .
KYLE
-- Eugene, listen, listen: Don Karlin doesn’t hate you.
EUGENE
-- I didn’t mind before. He hasn’t tried to kill me . . . yet. I made enough to live. Teresa and I were happy . . . I thought. But now I’ve got alimony payments to worry about. And if I don’t get a lawyer soon, I’m not going to have anything left. Teresa’s lawyer, Mrs. Clairy, already got a ridiculous amount of my stuff. I just can’t afford this. In fact, you wouldn’t happen to . . .
KYLE
-- What? No, uh , sorry. I left my wallet at home again.
EUGENE
(sighing)
-- That’s O.K. this one’s on me. (sips coffee) I still can’t figure out what I did to make Donald so mad at me, though.
KYLE
-- You’re just paranoid. I’m sure that if you give it one more shot he’ll let you in the first violins.
EUGENE
-- Sure.
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SCENE 10 - Intr. of an airplane. Med shot of EUGENE is seated next to some unknown character. He is short fat dark haired going bald and wearing a cheap blue suit and tie. We can seem them both equally well. Eugene is sitting next to the window. The other man is sitting to EUGENE’s left on the aisle seat.
EUGENE
-- Yeah, my half brother, Patience, was a lot more like my mother than I was. He was five years younger than me. Son of a Encyclopedia Salesman who came to our house once. I don’t think he was even the faintest idea what happened. If he did he certainly wouldn’t have let her name his son Patience. I always felt sorry for Patience. He constantly trying to rebel against mom, yet no matter how weird he acted, she always accepted him. Most of the time, in fact, she supported him. That drove Patience nuts. I guess the last thing he could think of to try and offend our mother was joining the nudist colony. And even then she came out and visited them every two weeks . . . in the nude, even. Yeach.
MAN SITTING NEXT TO HIM
-- You know my mother was the same way. No matter what you did, if she gave birth to you she loved you. But I don’t know maybe it’s just something that all parents do. Do you think it is a given or a learned parental thing? I mean does it have to be genetic, or can someone feels the same way about an adopted child?
EUGENE
-- Don’t ask me. I don’t know anything about parenting. True, I’ve had parents but . . . but I’ve never really been one.
MAN SITTING NEXT TO HIM
-- I’ve never been one either, but child rearing was always in my blood. My parents had children. My parents’ parents had children. Even my Great grandparents all had children. Coincidence? I think not. Of course I haven’t met the perfect woman yet, but that never stopped me. I’m racking up a lot of frequent flyer miles down at the sperm bank if you know what I mean. (jabs him with his elbow and chortles) It’s a crazy, crazy business, but hey, I feel I’ve done my part. Of course I’d like to actually raise one of my children, you know do the fathering thing, but I don’t know. I haven’t met the “mother of my children” type, yet.
EUGENE
-- Do you think you’ll ever meet that certain special someone?
MAN SITTING NEXT TO HIM
-- Oh, maybe someday . . .
A stewardess comes walking down the aisle pushing a drink cart. She is tall, gangly, awkward in her uniform, red-headed, and with a whiny New York accent. Her lip-stick is a grotesquely too bright shade of pink.
STEWARDESS
-- Would you like anything, sir?
MAN SITTING NEXT TO HIM
-- Yes I’ll have a . . .
The two stare at each other for a while and then passionately and madly begin to kiss and grope each other. “Love Theme from The Death of . . .” EUGENE pulls out a in-flight magazine trying his best ignore them as we fade-out.
-------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 11 - Med. shot of a plane landing, day. Cut to Intr. of Airport. EUGENE is getting off the plane. Waiting for him near the ticket booth is his mother, LYNDA. She is somewhere in her 50’s Her hair is gray and she has a couple of wrinkles. She does have a camera around her neck. The two see each other and embrace.
EUGENE
-- Long time, no see. How was your trip?
LYNDA
-- I still don’t see why you couldn’t have taken the train instead.
EUGENE
-- I thought I told you, mom. That would take an extra six hours.
LYNDA
-- The train is more environmentally sound.
EUGENE
(sighing)
-- I know.
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SCENE 12 - EUGENE and LYNDA are walking down the concourse. We notice that EUGENE is taller than LYNDA now. EUGENE is carrying a lot of baggage while LYNDA seems unencumbered.
LYNDA
-- You know me, I’m always broke. Enough to live that’s all I ever needed. But you . . . If you need some money I don’t see why you don’t ask your boss for a promotion.
EUGENE
-- I’m a violinist. You don’t just ask for a promotion. You have to audition to get into the first violins, then they start paying you more.
LYNDA
-- Then why don’t you audition?
EUGENE
-- I did, but that stupid Don Karlin won’t give me a break.
LYNDA
-- Than why don’t you talk to this Don fellow face to face. Explain that you need the money to afford your alimony.
EUGENE
-- You don’t just talk to Donald Karlin face to face. Not unless you’re standing on a chair or something. Besides I know that guy won’t listen to me. I think he hates me.
LYNDA
-- You’re crazy Eugene. Nobody hates you. (kisses him on the cheek and then pulls out a black armband and hands it to EUGENE) Oh, you might need this.
EUGENE
-- What for?
-------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 13 - Wide angle of a cemetery. As we zoom in slowly we see a group of people gathered at a wake. There is about three rows of them sitting down facing the casket and behind that the pastor. As we get closer we see that everyone there is naked (this includes LYNDA). Everyone that is except EUGENE, who is wearing traditional, all-black, funeral clothes. Except they are not completely nude. On their arms are black arm bands. As we get closer still we begin to hear what the pastor is saying. Aside from his clerical collar, he is naked too. Luckily the casket is positioned in such a way that you can’t see “anything” In fact in the following scenes, you never see “anything” except bare backs, shoulders, arms, and heads.
PASTOR
-- . . . who realized early on who clothes inhibited the natural man. Hampering the releasing of our natural energies. And Patience who naked from the moment he found this truth, till right now, as he lays naked . . . but dead in this coffin. (pause) But Patience Simon was more than just a man with no clothes on. He was a kind man, a gentle man, a - dare I say it? - patient man . . . with no clothes on.
-------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 14 - A buffet table. It is just after the funeral services and everyone (except EUGENE) is still naked. LYNDA is snapping photos.
EUGENE
-- Mother! Knock it off.
LYNDA
-- You said I could bring my camera.
EUGENE
-- I was being satirical.
LYNDA
-- There is nothing wrong with death. It is just another biological function. I can take pictures of my friends if I want.
EUGENE
-- I don't think they're exactly dressed for the occasion.
LYNDA
-- Oh . . . now I remember why you don't like me taking pictures at funerals. You're still upset about Uncle Charlie.
EUGENE
-- You shouldn't take pictures of people when they're in their coffins.
LYNDA
-- It was my last chance to get a picture of my brother.
EUGENE
-- You stuck toothpicks in his mouth so that he'd look like he was smiling!
LYNDA
-- Now that's not true. The stupid mortician wouldn't let me. I thought I showed you the family album. He's scowling in all of those pictures.
(pause while EUGENE eats something from the buffet table.)
EUGENE
-- At least you didn't take any pictures of Patience.
LYNDA
-- Well, actually . . .
EUGENE
-- What?!? You took pictures of 21 year old dead man . . . in the nude!
LYNDA
-- He was my son.
EUGENE
-- That's dis- Mom, promise me you won't be at my funeral.
LYNDA
-- Now Eugene, you know I wouldn't miss your wake for the world.
LYNDA pats his cheek and then wanders off snapping pictures. EUGENE is alone at the buffet table. He grabs a carrot and starts munching. He looks out into a part of the cemetery that is deserted. There, next to a large shade tree he (and we) see, The GRIM REAPER, scythe, skull-head, black cape, everything . . . for only a second. We cut right back to the shot of EUGENE’s face. He blinks a couple of times, astounded, as if to verify what he saw. Then we cut back to the shot of the tree, but the REAPER has vanished.
-------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 15 - Med shot of the extr. of the “Florida Hotel.” It is night. The moon is out and crickets are chirping. Cut to Intr. of Florida Hotel room. Close up on EUGENE's head against the pillow. He is sleeping. Using the typical dissolve, we enter EUGENE's dreams.
-------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 16 - All from EUGENE’s P.O.V. We see the satin lined intr. of a coffin. EUGENE’s hand reaches out and opens it. From where he is laying we can see A podium and straight up whoever’s speaking’s nose. The first man to talk is the same pastor at Patience’s funeral, only this time, he’s clothed.
PASTOR
-- Eugene Simon was a man. Not much of a man, but he was still a man. He had very few friends and so we have decided to let each one share a few thoughts about Eugene.
The PASTOR leaves and KYLE takes his place at the podium
KYLE
-- I’m . . . I’m going to miss you Eugene. You were a great . . . well very good person. Not too big on the social score. A pretty mediocre musician, but still . . . If someone didn’t have any money or they forgot to bring their wallet or they just didn’t want to break a twenty, you always picked up the tab. Even if I was making twice as much as you, you still felt obligated to pay for our meal. They say there is no such thing as a free lunch . . . and now that Eugene’s dead I guess they’re right. I’ll miss you, big guy.
KYLE leaves and TERESA comes up.
TERESA
-- Eugene Simon was a nice man. He was very . . . nice. He squeezed his toothpaste from the middle, still he was . . . nice. When people ask me - if anyone did ask me - what I remember most about Gene, I would have to say . . . I don’t remember. Yet he was so . . . nice to me. What more can I say? Even though I had to leave him, I don’t regret the year and a half that . . . well maybe I do regret some of it . . . but I don’t regret leaving Eugene. You were the be- one of the be- a true friend.
TERESA is helped off by some strange man. The last speaker is LYNDA
LYNDA
-- He was my son, what can I say? He never accomplished much. He always strived for mediocrity. Never made a political statement. Never tired to write the Great American novel. Never went bungee jumping. He wanted to be like all the others. I asked him “Why don’t you want more?” “Why don’t you want to be better than the others?” He was convinced that he couldn’t be any better than the rest. Maybe he was right. Maybe not all men are destined for greatness. And as such he filled what destiny he had. When my other son, Patience, died it was tragedy because there was so much more he could’ve done. Eugene’s death is just not as great a loss, because . . . there was nothing more for him to do here on earth.
Then LYNDA grabs her camera. She leans in really close to the (movie) camera and starts snapping pictures. EUGENE screams “NO!” In the middle of this scream we cut to
-------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 17 - Intr. of Florida Hotel room. EUGENE is still screaming. He is all sweaty and sitting up in bed.
-------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 18 - Intr. of Airplane. Same shot as last time, only in the short, fat , balding, guy’s place is a young heavy metal teenage boy listening to a Walkman and banging his head in time with the music. He obviously can’t hear, but EUGENE feels like talking to him without looking at him. Instead he’s staring out the window.
EUGENE
-- That dream really shook me up. I didn’t get any sleep that night. I guess it really shouldn’t have surprised me though. I had been thing about my death a lot recently. First there was the death of my younger brother, which really scared me. If he was old enough to go, so was and I. And then there was the title to this whole movie, “The Death Of Eugene Simon” That’s not very optimistic if you know what I mean. (sighs) I’m sure glad this guy can’t hear what I’m saying.
TEEN SITTING NEXT TO HIM
(pulling one earphone out of his ear to hear what’s going on)
-- What?
-------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 19 - Intr. of a large concert hall. Obviously and orchestra practice is going on (by the tuning up noises) EUGENE’s profile fills half of the screen. In the other half, slightly out of focus, we can see TERESA and KYLE talking , the two of them kiss and then walk off together. EUGENE doesn’t notice them. He swallows hard and moves on. He taps on the shoulder of DONALD. He is bigger, stronger, smarter, taller, all around just better than EUGENE. He is not however nicer.
EUGENE
-- Um . . . Donald . . . Mr. Karlin . . . sir?
DONALD
-- Yeah. What did you want?
EUGENE
-- I was wondering if I could you know maybe try out for the first violins again.
DONALD
-- Why?
EUGENE
-- Well, my wife and I are splitting up and I could use the extra money right now.
DONALD
-- Do I have to sit through this again? I’m getting sick of you Gene!
EUGENE
-- No . . . no really sir I’m getting much better now and you know I think you’ll really like me this time.
DONALD
-- I’m busy after practice today.
EUGENE
-- Please.
DONALD
-- Stop by my apartment at 7:00. O.K.?
EUGENE
-- Uh, well, gee, I was kind of planning on . . .
DONALD
(sterner, interrupting)
-- Seven o’clock! O.K.?
EUGENE
-- I’ll be there.
-------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 20 - Hallway in the same auditorium. EUGENE is speaking on a pay phone.
EUGENE
-- Hello, Shauna? . . . This Eugene again . . . No, don’t say that. . . . I’m not canceling again . . . yes, I like my apartment . . . No don’t raise the rent . . . I’m not standing you up again, I’m just postponing it an hour. . . . Look, It’s just one hour. I promise to take you to the greatest restaurant ever . . . uh, Edwardo’s . . . How about something Chinese . . . Sure . . . Sounds like fun . . . O.K. . . . I’ll see you at eight then. Thanks again . . . see you . . . bye.
-------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 21 - Apartment Hallway. We see EUGENE’s wrist in a close-up. His watch says 6:59 p.m. We follow his hand as it moves to ring the doorbell. Now we see a shot of EUGENE’s back. He is keeping his other hand back there. In this hand he is holding a bouquet of flowers. The door opens. There is a beautiful young woman there in an elegant dress.
WOMAN
-- Oh, Michael!
As we pull back, we see that the owner of the hands and flowers is not EUGENE at all, but someone else entirely. EUGENE is actually four doors down the hallway watching them. He has his violin (in a case) with him. He then knocks on the door in front of him.
EUGENE
(timidly)
-- Hello. Donald? Is anybody there? Hello?
EUGENE opens the door and enters the apartment. It is completely dark and we can see no one there. Just as he flicks on the light we see DONALD towering over him with a meat cleaver. Luckily EUGENE happened to have his violin case raised at just the right time. The cleaver become embedded in the violin. EUGENE is knocked into a corner.
EUGENE
-- What are you doing?
DONALD
-- What does it look like I’m doing? I’m trying to kill you!
EUGENE
-- What? But why?
DONALD by now has given up on trying to rescue his cleaver and has now got a baseball bat.
DONALD
(smashing his bat down barely missing EUGENE and
thoroughly destroying a near-by table and vase)
-- Because I hate you! I’ve always hated you and I always will! You are the most hideous vile scumbag and the face of the earth!!
EUGENE runs out of the apartment and slams the door behind him.
EUGENE
-- Glad to know I wasn’t just making this up.
EUGENE runs through the hallway and down the stairs. DONALD (with bat) emerges in time to see him flee. He chases after, but instead of going down the stairs, pushes the elevator button and waits. Cut to shot of EUGENE running down the stairs. Back to DONALD still waiting for the elevator. Shot of EUGENE finishing his descent down the stairs and running out of the building. DONALD is still waiting. EUGENE runs down the street a bit, turns around and notices that no one is following him. DONALD’s elevator arrives and he gets in. EUGENE is leaning against a building panting and trying to catch his breath. DONALD emerges from the elevator and goes outside the building too. There he sees EUGENE resting. The chase is on again. We alternate between the two of them running down the street. Finally EUGENE pulls into a clichéd dark, dead end alley. There are group of five gang banger street punks await for him. They are all carrying blunt weapons of some kind (no knives or guns please)
GANG LEADER
-- Hey, there mister. Lost?
EUGENE
-- Look. I don’t have time for this right now. Just . . . just give me your address and I’ll mail you my wallet later.
GANG LEADER
-- I’m afraid it’s not going to be that simple, man.
EUGENE
-- You don’t understand. Some guy’s following me. He’s going to kill me!
GANG LEADER
-- So? What else is new?
EUGENE
-- Listen. I’ll give you guys $20 each if you go mug that guy instead.
Finally DONALD arrives on the scene.
DONALD
-- What’s going on here?
EUGENE
-- These guys are trying to rob me.
DONALD
(to the gang)
-- Hey! I’ll give you guys $100 and you won’t see nothing, right?
GANG LEADER
-- Yeah, well . . . what if we get to him first?
EUGENE
(pleading)
-- One of you has got to save me from the other . . . please.
As they begin to close in on him , EUGENE sees, in the background, at the entrance to the alley, The REAPER.
EUGENE
(calling to the REAPER)
-- Help! Hey! You with the scythe! Help Me!!
The REAPER is no longer there. The Attackers with their weapons raied form a knot so tight that we can no longer see EUGENE. We Fade-Out to black
END OF PART I
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