Jax awoke with a horrendous headache. His dreams had been nothing short of terrifying and confusing. His mind detected something not quite right about the hospital room. It seemed to be moving. The humming sound was back as well and was rather annoying. It must be this damn flu. He felt queasy and longed to fall back asleep. The thought had barely crossed his mind when his bed took a sudden dip. Grabbing at anything his hands could find, Jax attempted to sit up and in doing so realized that his hands were bound to the legs of the couch he was lying on. Instantaneously he sized up his surroundings only to find his hospital bed had mysteriously turned into a private jet.
Lady Jane came into sharp focus. No surprise there, he thought. Who else would do something like this?
"What the hell is going on here?!" Jax turned a furious stare toward her. "Release my hands now Mother!"
"Jax, I'm afraid I can't yet. When we arrive alright?" Jane's expression pleaded with Jax to submit to the terms. He noticed the dark smudges under her eyes and took in their red rims. He struggled to remember exactly what was going on. He tried to put the pieces of the puzzle together when she started to cough. She looked fragile to him somehow, more so than she had ever looked before. He wondered what had happened. Why was he in restraints? His mind was effectively blank. Where was Brenda? Was she worried about him? He should get his mother to let him call her.
Something in the corner of his mind nagged at him. It seemed there was something he should remember about Brenda. He saw vague flashes of expansive water and bright lights, but it was all tucked in the far reaches of his mind. It was terrifying and he didn't want to go there, but he needed to know everything. He felt cornered, helpless, and lost in a sea of questions he didn't know if he wanted answered. No, knowing might get him out of this mess. He sent another questioning look to his mother, but Jane had fallen asleep. The magazine she was reading fell to the floor, cover side up. The headline made Jax's mind spin out of control:
Supermodel Dies In Ghastly Accident,
Fiance Watches In Horror From Above
All he could concentrate on was breathing in and out; repeating the motion over and over. It had to be a joke, a horrible twisted joke…
Jax found himself looking at their recent engagement photo just underneath. He was lost in the memories tied to that photo, making the words above seem nightmarish and false. In the picture his arms were wrapped around her and she was leaning back into him. Her mouth formed a secret little smile, and he remembered how she played with the back of his hair during the photo shoot. Teasing him with the sensual pleasures guaranteed to come afterwards, her laughter engulfed him in it's warmth. It infused him with the knowledge that she really and truly loved him. Sonny was out of their lives forever and they were free to dream, have children, and grow old together in the cottage she loved so. He had bought that cottage as a wedding present but now… He wanted to change everything, to turn back the hands of time and throw Veronica Barrett out of their lives. It was because of her that Brenda was dead. The horror of it flashed through him hot and fierce. Jax tried to slip back into the ignorance of a few minutes ago when Brenda was alive and his worst discomfort was the ache of his back on the hard couch.
It was all back though, and with it an unbearable pain. He wanted to snatch up the magazine and burn it. It was a demon come to pluck him out of his sweet ignorance and plunge him back into hell.
Jax soon felt the plane begin its descent. He wondered where they were. Out the window he could barely make out a Sesna on a nearby runway. It was difficult to see out the window though, with his hands bound. He couldn't make out much more than the sun glinting off the wings. The glare shot back the memory of the helicopter's searchlight sweeping the ocean surface. He tried to clear the thought from his mind, but again he flashed back to the night his life seemingly ended.
Luckily John came to the back of the plane and broke his painful reverie. Jax breathed a sigh of relief until he saw the nurse directly behind his father. She held something in her hand that looked suspiciously like a syringe. Jax began to panic.
"No, not that again! I can't take the nightmares it gives me Dad…" They wouldn't wipe away his memories of Brenda again.
"Jax it's for the best…"
"Best for whom, Dad, for you, Mum or Jerry? Don't you understand my life means nothing now? Not without Brenda…"
"Jax, we need your full cooperation here. I can't afford you going into an episode right now."
Jax snorted.
"Episode? What episode? God Dad, you make me sound like a child! My wife just died! How the hell do you expect me to act? What would you be like had it been you watching Mum's car fly off a cliff?"
John drew a mental picture of the atrocity without really wanting to. Jax was right, he couldn't say that he'd react any better.
"Would you stop looking for her Dad?"
John tried to steel himself against Jax's accusations in order to stay in control of the situation, though his son's words made it difficult.
"Would you dive back into the water despite the fact that your entire body is numb from shock and cold? Would you give a damn about anything but the fact that the woman you love is just within your reach but slipping out of your grasp forever? I think you would react just like I did dad. Think about it. Mum would be lost to you forever and you'd always wonder if you could have stopped it. Why didn't your body work the way it was supposed to? She was in your arms, looking at you in the murky water, love and trust in her eyes as you let go…"
Music floated in over the speaker system. Natalie Merchant's sultry voice filled the cabin of the plane and Jax paused as he recognized the song. The lyrics burned in his heart; the memories churned about in his head. He lost himself in a myriad of sensations…
They were back in Jax's car with the top down. Brenda raised her arms into the wind blowing by, her smile dazzling him with its serenity. A song on the radio gave Brenda pause. She listened intently to the words, her mind obviously drifting.
You were the love for certain of my lifeJax fought like a possessed entity. He screamed Brenda's name repeatedly. She was out there… Jerry couldn't believe it, but Jax actually developed a fever in the short time he had him in his grip. This so-called Post Traumatic Shock that Monica had told them about was becoming increasingly scarier by the minute. One minute Jax was sane and the next… The nurse slipped the needle under the fleshy part of Jax's arm and his struggling faded. He looked into Jerry's eyes as his lids started to shut, the feeling of betrayal evident in their depths.
"Jerry please, help me find her… She's so scared… I just know it…"
My love is goneJane watched the scene before her while crying and near hysteria herself.
My love is goneJohn and Jerry waited until Jax's ravings subsided, then carried him to the Sesna. Jerry settled into the pilot's seat welcoming the chance to divert his attention from Jax's disturbing behavior. Was he really betraying Jax by not trusting him to take care of himself? Jerry shook his head. He had to believe that his parents knew what was best. He started running final diagnostics on the fuel mixtures. Once completed, he flipped on the intercom switch.
"Dad, are you ready yet?"
"Yes, Jerry. Jax is securely in his seat and so are we. Whenever you're ready."
"Gotcha, Dad. Let's go home."
Jane looked out the window and watched the scenery fly by her with tears in her eyes. She was vaguely aware of John's arms around her. Were they doing the right thing? She wished that she could turn back the clock and bring Brenda back. She loved that girl dearly like the daughter she never had. In truth, Jane felt as though she HAD lost a child with Brenda's death. She'd be damned to lose another now.
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**"Beloved Wife" by Natalie Merchant
