Jax pulled into the James' driveway. It had taken him 2 hours just to traverse the 15 mile stretch of road from his parent's house. Despite the frigid cold, he was feeling better than he had in days. His emotions were more in check now as well as his body. Now he didn't have to worry about one wrong thought or statement leading to another fight with Jerry or his father. At the thought of his brother Jax fumed inwardly. He pondered the best way to get even with Jerry for the way he had handled everything. Instead of supporting Jax and trying to help him face Brenda's death, Jerry had helped his father drag him away to hide like a coward.
Jax pulled to a stop and looked for some sign of Ted James. Eight bundles of parkas and mittens ran out of the house instead. As Jax stepped out of the Hummer, he had to brace himself to catch the smallest one who had just lunged at him.
"JAX! You came to visit! Daddy said you would!"
Jax smiled at the young girl now in his arms. Beth James was the smallest of the James' eight children and by far his favorite. Her green eyes sparkled with mischief as she pulled something out of her pocket to show him.
"Only for a few minutes munchkin. What have you got there for me?"
"It's my favorite tape. Daddy got it for me!"
"Uh-huh, and what tape would this be?"
"You know what it is! Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!"
"My goodness, how could I forget?"
Jax had only watched the movie with her about a thousand times when he had offered to watch her. That had been before he married Brenda…
"Jax, is that Jerry's car? It's BIG!"
"Yes dear, Jerry has to have BIG things around him. It makes up for his inadequacies."
Beth scrunched up her nose at him in puzzlement.
"What's an inadacaty?"
Jax could only throw his head back and roar.
"Inadequacy, Beth. Umm. It's just that he really likes BIG things. He just has a lot of those things called inadequacies. You'll have to ask him why he has them when he comes to get his BIG car. Hey, Beth! How would you like to listen to 'Chitty' on Jerry's BIG stereo?"
Jax wondered how that would go over with Jerry, to find 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' blaring over his precious stereo. He would bring Beth something extra special the next time he saw her…
Beth's eyes bulged wide.
"He won't be mad??"
"Nahhh. Jerry's just a big bag of wind! You can even tell him I said that, ok?"
"Ok Jax. Will you put the tape in for me?"
"Oh, OF COURSE I will!"
Jax climbed into the Hummer and loaded the tape for Beth. He laughed as she began to sing along with it. It felt so good to have something to laugh at again. He wondered what would have happened if he and Brenda had been able to have children. What might they have looked like? He shook off the thought as a wave of melancholy threatened to overwhelm him. As he listened contentedly to Beth, the words of the song stuck in his head and gave him an idea. He listened to Beth a few minutes longer as he formulated his plan further, then hopped out of the driver's seat. Jax popped the hood of the Hummer and smiled at Beth who was playing inside. Every once in a while the horn would go off and Jax would laugh. Jerry treated this car like a child. He was going to have an absolute fit. Jax almost wished he could be around to see it.
After he had pulled the spark plug out he saw Beth looking up at him with tears in her eyes. It seemed the stereo was stuck and it just kept playing the same song over and over! What luck! That was worth a thousand bucks of entertainment at Jerry's expense!
**************************
Back at the homestead…
John and Jerry pulled up to the house. Jerry was glad to be back. He longed for a nice hot shower to take the chill out of his bones. For reasons he couldn't explain, the hairs on his arms stood on end and his neck tingled. Although everything looked fine to Jerry, he couldn't quite shake the feeling that there was something amiss…
"Son of a bitch!"
Jerry bolted from the pickup before John had even come to a stop and took off running for the garage. The door was wide open and it was gone. His coveted 1996 black Hummer was gone, taken by his fruity brother no doubt.
John caught up to Jerry and laughed in spite of himself.
"Son, what WERE we thinking??"
"I'm thinking I'm going to kill the little bastard!"
John snickered again before his mind drifted. Jane! They'd left Lady Jane to watch over Jax… He wouldn't have! Or would he…? Jerry looked at his father and read his thoughts. They both broke into a run toward the house.
"Mum!"
"Jane!"
They heard a muffled sound coming from the laundry room. Oh no. Both men ran to the laundry room door and found it locked.
"Dad, where's the key?"
"Hang on, I'll go get it."
Jerry returned to the door.
"Mum, are you in there?" A voice on the other side snapped angrily back at him.
"Of course it's me Jerry! What else would it be, a really large beaver?" Jane was mentally kicking herself because she had forgotten that the space heater in the laundry room was broken. She'd been doing God knows how many laps around the large cement room. Not only that, but there was no laundry in the laundry room. She had finished the wash earlier that morning. There weren't even any clothes to put in the drier and warm up to wear. Damn it! They were going to think Jax locked her in here on purpose!
Frantically, she tried to think of another excuse to get Jax off the hook. She then remembered the caribou meat in the freezer and came up with one even better. She would tell them she came to get some meat for stew and didn't prop the door open well enough. Jax had been suffering from another fever and she had left him sleeping. That settled, she looked forward to seeing Jerry's face. She mentally prepared herself not to laugh as that might just give away her secret alliance with her youngest son. She let out a giggle while she still could as she watched the door lock being jimmied. John must have forgotten where the key was again.
"John?"
She'd better help him because she was starting to feel a kindred spirit sort of thing happening with that caribou in the freezer.
"Yes, Jane? Are you alright?"
"Yes dear, just hurry up and force it."
"Alright, mother, so long as you don't have a fit about it later!"
"That should be the least of your worries, John…"
"What?"
"Nothing. Just hurry."
At last the door swung open and Jerry rushed in to check her out.
"Are you alright Mum? Jax didn't hurt you did he? If he manhandled you I'll beat him to a pulp."
"What makes you think Jax did this?? I swear Jerry, you had better lay off him before I really get angry with you!" Like I'm not already…
"But Mum, he's gone and you're locked in here…" Figured that one out all by himself, did he?
"Of my own carelessness Jerrold. Don't look at me like that! I forgot to brace the door and it closed while I was getting to the meat in the freezer. And don't you dare say Jax shut it, or so help me Jerrold, I will box your ears a good one!!"
"But Mum! He stole my Hummer!" Aww, poor baby!
"Jerold Jacks your brother would do no such thing!" I would give him the keys though…
"WHAT?! Mum he took my bike when he was a mere six year old and threw it down the side of the gacier to see how fast it would go!"
Jane couldn't help but snicker. That HAD been kind of humorous…
"Honestly Jerry with the way you've been treating your brother lately and robbing him of the ability to mourn for Brenda properly you'd think it was YOU who was six!" Two is more like it…
With that Jane turned and walked away from them to answer the phone that was ringing.
"Hello? Yes. Oh hello Ted! How nice to hear from you! Oh! Uh-huh, he DID want that back. You say Jax dropped it off there? Okay Ted! I'll have Jerry go over there to pick it up. Yes, everyone is doing splendidly here! You thought Jax looked well? Oh that's good! He's had a horrible FLU, did you know? Yes it is a NASTY thing. How are the children? Beth? She made Jax smile, did she? Oh that sweet child. Yes, she does adore Jax. She's his favorite without a doubt. What?!"
Jane had to stifle the laughter that was building up. Oh her Jax was such an ornery little stinker!
"Don't worry about that Ted, Jerry can fix it himself."
Jerry's eyes were practically popping out of his head. His face had turned ghostly white with dread.
"Fix WHAT??? What did he say? MUM!! For God sakes, give me the phone! Oh DAMN it!"
Jane hung up the phone just as Jerry was reaching over her shoulder to grab it. She could scarcely keep her shoulders from shaking with mirth.
"That was Ted James. He needs you to come pick up your Hummer. Jax dropped it off for you to pick up after he STOLE it. What a thief that Jasper is! Hardened criminal I tell you!"
Jane's eyes taunted and scolded Jerry all at once. He paid her no heed though as he flew out the door. Jane turned to face her husband with crossed arms and tilted TEMPT ME PLEASE expression.
"Do you have something to add to Jerry's tirade, husband?" Her eyes flared with attitude.
"God no, mother! I've seen that look before, and I'll do well to steer clear of that pent up wrath! No thank you, I'll have none of that dish! Would like to keep my head attached to the rest of my tired old body!" Shaking his head he left Jane to revel in her glorious victory. Were she still the young cheerleader of her day, she would have done a cartwheel right then and there; maybe even let out a chant. GO JAX GO! KICK THAT BROTHER'S BUTT!! Instead, she opted for the warm glow of being queen of the manor once more.
******************
Jerry pulled into the driveway and fought down the urge to throw up. Children were everywhere, climbing all over his precious Humvee. They had no idea of what that vehicle was worth. He was glad that Luca Jones was nothing like these terrors. He was almost happy not to see Ted James anywhere in sight. God, what if Jax had found the picture he kept of HER in the glove box? There would have been sooo many questions to answer that Jerry wasn't ready to face. No one could know that the one love of his life had given that Hummer to him. He shook the doubts off his shoulders. He was the strong one. The brother who took care of everything. He wasn't about to let that change now.
God help Jax if anything was wrong with the car.
Jerry jumped from the pickup and ran to the Hummer. Beth looked up and screamed her greeting:
"It's Uncle Jerry with all the insacreelities!!!"
"Excuse me?"
"Insaceerities! You know! You have lots of them."
She flashed her green eyes at him and grinned.
"Charming! Did Uncle Jax tell you that?"
"Uh-huh! He said it's the reason you have to have big things. He said it's to make up for your...your... oh yeah!" Beth smiled triumphantly as Jax's words came back to her. Sort of.
"Your shitcomings!!"
Jerry's lip curled.
"Uh, that would be SHORTcomings, Beth."
Jerry was mortified. Shitcomings… Good God. Jax was in for such retribution over this one…
"Is your daddy around darling?"
"Nope, but he left you the keys."
She handed them to him and he groaned as the sticky grape jelly met with his hand. He began to clear the mass of rugrats from the vehicle.
"Alright, everyone out now! Time to go inside and eat or go to bed or something… That's it! Careful now, don't fall. That's right! Run along now!
A chorus of groans and whines went up as children scattered everywhere. A couple muttered their goodbyes while some just ignored him. Two started throwing snowballs at each other. One actually missed its intended target and nailed Jerry in the groin, doubling him over. Beth gave Jerry a quick smooch and left while he was still recovering from the blow. She had never wanted kisses or hugs from him, only from Jax. Jerry wondered what was up. Something told him that Mum wasn't the only ally that Jax had. Beth's cheshire grin made him wonder what else Jax had put her up to. Well, that didn't matter. He was going to go home pack a bag and hunt for his wayward brother.
Jerry eased into the driver's seat, caressed his hands over the steering wheel, and sighed.
"Hellooo baby!"
He slid the key into the ignition and smiled as the engine roared to life. To his horror, a song straight from hell assaulted his frazzled senses.
Oh! You!Bang bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,
Our fine four fendered friend.
"OH MY GOD, What the fuck is this?"
You're uncategorical;
A fuel burning oracle,
A fantasmagorical machine!
You're more than spectacular.
To use the vernacular,
You're wizard! You're smashing! You're keen!
This has got to go now! Jerry started to eject the tape from the player and broke out in a cold sweat when the tape didn't budge.
Oh! You!
Pretty chitty bang bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,
We love you!
And in
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,
What we'll do!
Near! Far!
In our motor car, oh,
What a happy time we'll spend.
Jerry tugged and pulled on every button on the system panel with no luck whatsoever. Jasper Jacks, I will wring your neck clean off your body when I find you...
You're sleek as a throroughbred.
Your seats are a feather bed,
You'll turn everybody's head today!
We'll glide on our motor trip,
With pride in our ownership,
The envy of all we survey!
As he picked up speed the Hummer suddenly heaved forward and let out a mighty backfire. Oh no! No, no, not this Jax!! What the hell did you do to my car!? Jerry nearly shit his knickers when the Humvee backfired again and the atrocious song kept playing and playing… Kind of like that damn pink bunny on the battery commercials…
Near chitty,
Far chitty,
In our motor car, oh
What a happy time we'll spend.
Bang bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,
Our fine four fendered friend!
And chitty,
in chitty,
Pretty chitty bang bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,
What we'll do!
"ARRRGGHHHHH!!" Jerry let out a frustrated scream and realized that he must sound a lot like Charlie Brown. Nothing, absolutely nothing was going right for him.
*************************
Jacks Private Hanger…
Jax walked into the Anchorage hanger and spotted his pilot waiting for him. A quick glance at his watch told him that if Jerry and his dad were at all predictable they had arrived at the house and Jerry had already gotten to the Hummer. He couldn't help but do a little dance-like shuffle toward the airplane and laughed aloud as he envisioned Jerry's none-too-harmonious plight.
**************************
The Humvee was a mere mile down the road when it came to a skidding halt in the snow. Violent movements inside caused the vehicle to shake fiercely, accompanied by scalding obscenities. The driver's side window rolled down hastily, and a large wire-laden object was hurled out onto the ground. As the Hummer sped away, the window began to close back up, but not before a stark maddened peal of laughter escaped out into the moonlit night…
Oh! chitty,
You! chitty,
Pretty chitty bang bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,
We love you!
*Excerpts from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (Like you couldn't guess…)
