Chapter 8

The door to the penthouse swung open and Jax stood in the doorway. His bag landed with a thud on the floor and he just stood there, drinking in the moment, letting the pain wash over him. If he had thought the ride through Port Charles had been painful he hadn't been prepared for this. He hesitated, uncertain, the penthouse was as still as a tomb and felt like one to him, without Brenda there was no spark of life, no feeling of coming home. So instead of walking in he just stayed where he was trying to keep breathing, and trying to stay above the whirlpool of memories that were threatening to suck him under.

It had started when they had driven past Luke's. His mind snapped back to The Moment: The night that he had known that his feelings for Brenda were becoming more than friendship. More than just co-conspirators. It had come to him in such vividness that he still didn't know if he had been transported back in time. He was there again, watching the car come screeching towards Brenda, Lily racing to knock her out of the way, and then Brenda's body hitting the ground with a thud that had sickened him. He didn't know how he had functioned, but he had rushed to her side, and called an ambulance while Sonny found her pulse. Funny, Jax thought, that Sonny's name didn't repulse him anymore. Instead it made him sad. Sad that Brenda had been chasing after a man like Sonny when they had met. Corinthos was a man who only wanted to possess her without tending to the needs of her heart, and wanted to keep her locked away from friends and family while he ran from one country to another trying to escape the attempts at his life.

He saw himself standing outside the ER doors, watching as Tony Jones pumped electricity into her body to start her heart again. She had flat-lined while he had been talking to her, trying to assure her that everything would be all-right, that he wouldn't let her die. But he had. The bile rose up again and he staggered for a second as he saw her floating away from him in the water, her eyes opened with fear, silently screaming his name as she was pulled deeper and deeper.

Staggering back, he was startled when a pair of arms steadied him.

"Jax man, are you okay? "

His eyes flew open and he froze. Damn, wouldn't anyone leave him alone?

"I'm fine, Ned. " About as fine as I'll ever be again…without Brenda.

WITHOUT BRENDA….

"Jax? "

Jax held up his right hand to silence Ned. His head was swimming, he just needed to sit down for a minute. He left his bag in the doorway and walked over to the sofa, stopping short as a strangled cry escaped him. There on the coffee table was a picture of him and Brenda, their arms wrapped around each other, smiling for the camera. He was vaguely aware of Ned sitting him down on the sofa, the sounds of glasses moving, liquid pouring, and then the feel of the glass being placed in his hand. He stared at it, uncertain of what he should do and then in one swallow he drank he amber liquid that had been inside.

"I’m fine Ned really. "

But Ned knew, he could hear the strain in Jax's voice. He could tell the toll Brenda's death had taken on the man who had made his best friend, his adopted sister, into a well-loved, confident woman. He had stood by Brenda and loved her unconditionally through everything, and now he was broken. It was painful to see Jax now. Ned rubbed his eyes with his hands and took a good look at the man next to him. Sitting on the sofa, Jax bore little resemblance to the man Ned had come to know. Wearing sweatpants, t-shirt, and the makings of a beard, he seemed almost vagrant-like. His hair was no longer the perfect coif of a member of the Jacks clan, and he was gaunt and pale. By no means exuding the jet-set tycoonish aura Ned loved to rib and tease…

"Jax...."

With a ragged breath Jax stood up and walked towards the window. How many times had he and Brenda stood here watching the sunset over the city, laying out their plans for the future, dreaming together? Now all those dreams were gone, lost in one moment of terror. The car swerving off the road, the leap into the water, it was all frozen in his mind and caught on playback. The scene played itself over and over again, rewinding as soon as it was done, mixing in with his living memories of Brenda until he felt like reality was slipping away from him.

The last two weeks had been a blur, he had been caught in a dream world. Every time they had sedated him, he had slipped into that place where Brenda was alive and well, where she was wrapped in his arms in their bed, still glowing from their love making.

"What are you doing here Ned? "

His body swayed and he swore at himself for the obvious display of weakness.

"V is sick. "

"What's wrong? "

Not another person who mattered to him under duress. He didn't need this right now.

"She has the flu. She's staying at the gatehouse right now, but she's been stopping by almost every day to check your mail and get your messages."

Jax rested his forehead on the window. Leave it to V...

"Please thank her for me Ned. I didn't think…I couldn't, Jerry and my father..."

"Jax, it's okay."

Ned rested a hand on his friend's shoulder and Jax turned to face him.

"Brenda loved you, you know."

A tear escaped the corner of Ned's eye and he quickly swatted it away.

"I loved her too, Jax. She was like a sister to me. I still can't believe..."

"Don't say it! I've heard enough of it from my family. She's gone. I don't want to deal with that now Ned! I just want...Where was she buried? "

But there was no body. His mind screamed the fact out at his desperate attempt to deny reality. If there was no body, then she couldn't be dead. She couldn't be gone, but every fiber of his being told him that she was, and every last inch of him hurt.

"We erected a memorial in the family plot Jax. Lila wanted it that way. She thought of Brenda as a daughter, as a member of the family. We all did."

"Thank you Ned. I…" Jax's voice broke. "I should have been there. They must have thought I was awful not to have been there. I didn't get to say goodbye..."

Jax slid down the window, tears streaming unbidden down his face. His body shook uncontrollably. The fever had come back, the temperature in the room was soaring, and his head was swimming.

"Everyone understood Jax. After what happened..."

"I did NOT try to kill myself! I didn't! She was just there, asking for me, and I wanted to touch her; to hold her one more time. Can you understand that Ned? Do you know what it's like to have watched the woman you love die in front of you? I was useless! I was a fucking waste of flesh!"

Ned was stunned. He had never seen Jax so out of control, so emotionally belligerent.

"Jax?"

"Just go!"

Ned was unsure.

"I'm okay Ned, I am. It's just coming back here, the emotions are so overpowering. Tell V I appreciate her thoughtfulness, but just leave me alone right now. I have to let this all sink in Ned. It won't happen with people surrounding me. Jerry and my father can't keep me from facing these emotions, and you can't stop them from coming. Brenda can't speak to my heart if others are here to drown her out. I need to hear her Ned, to say goodbye. Don't look at me that way, she will. I have to remember it all because the memories are all I have now. Ned please..."

Reaching over, Ned picked up his trench coat and started backing out of the penthouse. Jax was sitting on the floor, his knees against his chest, his head resting on them. He didn't even look up as Ned opened and shut the door, leaving him alone to face a terrifying future without Brenda.