All gifs/logos by Tamii Trent, ©1999
Brenda waited for what seemed an eternity after Sonny and Renaldo left the room before breathing a sigh of relief. Now she just had to wait for Jerry to make his move. Had he been able to get his cell phone working? Had he called Jax? A million questions rolled through her mind and not one answer to be found yet. It was excruciating, the waiting game she was now playing.
She also wondered what Jax was going through now. Did he think she was dead, or was he out looking for her? This was almost harder, knowing that the way back to her life and love was mere footsteps away...
She listened one more time for any signs of them coming back, then got up and bolted to the window. Jerry was nowhere in sight. She knew he was probably waiting. For what she wasn't exactly sure, but she knew that a Jacks doesn’t jump the gun on anything. They were a family of patient, cautious, and calculating people. Whatever Jerry was doing, Brenda knew to leave it in his hands. Despite some shady decisions he'd made in the past, Brenda readily trusted him with her life and safety. He would do anything for Jax, even if it meant risking his own life to do it. She paced the room fighting off one of her worst weaknesses:
Impatience.
***************
Jerry lay on his back in the snow, eyes tightly shut against the pain he was in. Was Sonny still here? Was Renaldo waiting for him to move before he shot him again and ended his life? Too many unknowns were hanging over him for his liking. The fact that he was so not in control of this situation killed him far more than his leg ever would.
He watched the sky overhead darken ominously with heavy, foreboding clouds. He knew he had to get inside quickly but didn't know how he was going to manage it. What the hell could he do? Renaldo had shot him just above the knee, effectively destroying his ability to walk properly. He could no longer storm into the cottage and whisk Brenda away to the safety of his brother’s loving embrace. Anger welled up inside him as he thought of Jax. His brother had been right all along and Jerry regretted everything they had done in an effort to protect Jax. Instead it seemed that his family’s ignorance had allowed Sonny the opportunity to kidnap Brenda, and to launch Jax into a living nightmare of uncertainties.
Rolling his eyes and sighing disgustedly at the way it made his head spin, he let his focus move to the side. Looking up, he noticed that he was near another woodpile. Pulling himself closer, he latched onto a thick piece of wood that had fallen from the heap. Using it for leverage, he tried to pull himself to his feet. His vision blurred and nausea swept over him. After a few more agonizing attempts he admitted that he'd simply lost too much blood to stand. Looking at the cottage, he gauged where Brenda was. There was simply no way he was going to be able to drag himself that far.
Now he was lost and basically screwed. Jerry was convinced that this was his mea culpa for not putting more faith in Jax’s connection with Brenda. He was lying here in the snow, incapacitated and likely to freeze to death because he’d refused to believe in Jax fully. He slammed his head back on the icy ground in frustration.
From the other side of the cottage, Jerry heard a rumbling sound. He rolled onto his side and dragged himself to the corner and took a peek. He watched as Sonny and Luke climbed into the snowprowler that was warming up in the field. He was relieved when he saw Renaldo throwing large supply bags inside, but then incredulous when he shut down the generator outside. Why would they leave like this? It was obvious that they had no intention of returning, otherwise the generator would be left on. And what about Brenda? Were they just going to leave her like this… Oh god. Jerry thought he was going to be ill. Had Sonny decided to kill Brenda after Renaldo had found him?
Would fate be that cruel to himself and to Jax? To have her so close, but to take her away just as she was within his grasp? He thought about his life for a minute, flashed on an image of Shea and stopped wondering. Of course fate would be so cruel.
Jerry leaned back and closed his eyes to try and focus his energy on getting up and into the cottage. Instead all he could think about was Shea. He could see her so plainly, smell the lilac in her hair. The memory infused him with such warmth that he felt his mind slowly start to drift. He struggled against it, knowing that he was falling asleep. Right now that would mean certain death for him and Brenda, if she wasn't already dead. Still, he could feel the memory of Shea's soft skin under his hands. He decided to pull strength from his memories of her instead of being sucked under by them.
*****************
Jax placed his hand gently on Shea's forehead. She was still warm but when her eyes opened and focused on him they were clear and coherent. She smiled thankfully at him. Even though he'd left her to sleep earlier, he'd obviously come back and had been sitting there for a while. Sleep had gathered in the corners of his eyes.
"Jax?"
"Hey you. You scared the hell out of me last night."
"I know. I'm sorry." She was so ashamed of her insane actions last night. She still wasn’t sure what had come over her. She felt truly horrible for what she had put Jax through.
"Don't be, I understand." A lock of her hair fell across her face and he leaned closer to her to brush it away.
"You do?" She would never cease to be amazed by Jax. There seemed to be no end to his patience or kindness.
"Yeah" He looked at the hair still tangled around his fingers, rubbing it between his thumb and forefinger. It was a beautiful shade. Sunlight sparkled off of it and set it afire. Shea swallowed nervously and looked up at Jax. There was something different in the way he was looking at her. His expression was dreamy, like maybe he wasn't fully awake yet. She wondered what was wrong. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she was certain he could hear it. Shea brought herself up on her elbows and gazed into Jax's eyes. They were mesmerizing and so familiar. Not something that she could pinpoint, just so... inviting.
"Shea, I understand more than you know. I know what it's like to be so lost you feel you'll never find your way back. You feel yourself slipping into a world where nothing is real but the deep abiding despair. It's an abyss Shea, and I still don't know how to climb out. Ending it has been a stronger desire than I care to admit..." He trailed off and for a moment his eyes dropped to the floor. Wanting to help him as much as he had helped her, she touched his chin and gently lifted it to look at him. His eyes rose again and locked with hers.
"Jax, we're both there in that pit. All we can do it hold on to each other for whatever sanity there may be left between us..."
The statement hung in the air between them and though neither of them new how to act on it, their lips found each other.
*********************
Brenda rested her head on the window where she had first seen Jerry. Tears streamed unhindered down her cheeks as the minutes passed and no sign of him appeared. She had gotten so used to pushing the ache for Jax aside in order to survive Sonny's torments. Now that she'd seen Jerry, the aching came back with a vengeance. She had now defense against it anymore. The strength she'd held onto was now drained as she slid down the wall with her arms wrapped around her knees. She just wanted to be with Jax. She saw him in his tuxedo at their second wedding. He’d stood there so patiently as she told him about her emotional revelation. The smile and relief that had flooded his face was so precious. Jax had seemed like a little boy who had opened his present to find he’d gotten exactly what he wanted. She prayed silently to God that she would see that smile again. She couldn’t lose faith now with Jerry just outside. Setting her fears aside, she breathed the one name that she knew would comfort her worried mind.
"Jax..."
*******************
Jerry let the memories of his short time with Shea wash over him. He floated on them for some time before reminding himself time wasn't something he could afford right now. Knowing he had to get off his back, he drew up an image that he knew would help him. He replayed the scene at the penthouse with Shea and Lois. He thought of her eyes flashing first with hurt then rage, and of the divorce papers that she'd flung at him. The smack of those papers against his face had hurt worse than any punch ever thrown at him. A dagger in his chest would have felt better... Or a rifle slug in the leg... With that thought, a surge of adrenaline pumped through his body. He felt the false energy flow through him and grabbed at the stick again. This time he pulled himself upright and stayed there.
"Shea, I'm coming back Shea. I'm gonna find you and make it right again, I swear..."
With each word he felt himself moving closer to the cottage. Each stumbling step bringing him closer to salvation…
***********************
Shea and Jax felt suspended. Like their bodies and minds were incapable of moving beyond this tentative touch. In their minds, each knew this wasn’t going to solve any of the problems they faced, but giving up this one moment was just too hard. They stood at a gateway, not wanting to close the door, but not wanting to cross that fragile threshold either. It was merely a tiny reprieve from the harsh realities surrounding them both.
Suddenly the moment was broken as they jerked violently apart. Shea's eyes darted around and Jax ran his fingers through his hair.
"Shea, did you hear that?" Jax’s eyes were wide and spooked. He felt a tingle run down his spine and the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end.
"Yeah, but tell me anyway..." Shea’s own eyes were just as startled and fearful. She shook as she waited for Jax to answer. She already knew what he was going to tell her, and it was giving her the creeps.
"It was Brenda..." A tears trickled down his face as he thought of her. What had just happened? Was this an omen of some sort? What did the fact that Shea had also heard something say about it?
”Sean…” Shea was also crying with the shock of experiencing something so unsettling. She crossed herself reflexively, reminding Jax of how superstitious Scots still were. He moved over to sit next to her on the bed and pulled her shoulders closer to his own. They sat on the bed then for some time, crying and shivering together in the chill of the early morning.
****************
Jerry fought with the bolt on the door which was now slicked over with ice. In the time he'd managed to hobble to the other side of the cottage, freezing rain had begun to fall. The sky had opened up and dumped the precipitation down in buckets. It pelted him painfully, making his progress all the more slow. Now the bolt was frozen solid just like his fingers. Leaning down as far as he dared in his condition, he began breathing on the metal. His mind was becoming as foggy as the puffs of heated air coming from his mouth and he was straining to remain lucid. He propped the stick under his armpit and put his hands around the bolt to try and hold in the heat. Finally he started to see some results and thanked God silently for giving him a break at last.
Brenda heard noise coming from outside her room. Leaning hesitantly out the doorway, she peered around the corner. Moving cautiously down the hallway, she made her way to the kitchen then to the front entrance. Hearing a scratching sound, she tried to see out the peephole, but the ice storm outside had covered it with an opaque shell. Unsure of what to do, she glanced about the room for something she could use as a weapon. Then the door opened with a loud cracking sound and she nearly wept with relief when she saw Jerry standing there. His face was contorted with pain and his eyes were glazed over. She took a step toward him then screamed as he lurched forward suddenly. Brenda fell to the floor under Jerry's weight as he collapsed into her arms.
