All gifs/logos by Tamii Trent, ©1999
"Jerry? Jerry!" Brenda shook Jerry’s inert form with no response. She was at a loss for what was wrong with him at first, but then noticed the dark puddle collecting under his leg. Pushing aside the heavy coat he was wearing, she could now see the gaping gunshot wound just above his knee. She knew it would only be fatal if she didn’t do something. She sat back for a moment to collect herself and make a mental list of what she would need.
"Ok, scissors… a knife…something sharp…" She stood up quickly and swayed a bit from the shock of it. She cursed herself for not finding a way to better keep her strength intact. She flung open drawers in the kitchen with wild abandon until finding a medium-sized, but well curved blade. She tested the knife on her sweater sleeve. When it went through with little help, she flew to back to Jerry’s side. She started to cut away the leg of his jeans, but stopped and thought better of it. Jerry would need the pants. She doubted that Sonny would have left any clothing here.
"Not that they would fit you anyway Jer…" Jerry towered over Sonny. Just like Jax…
"Focus, Brenda… No drifting right now… Not even for Jax…"
Ok. The jeans. They would have to come off. For one thing, she needed to clean out that wound and bandage it somehow. Another thing was that while Jerry’s waterproof coat had kept his shirt and sweater dry, his jeans were soaked. Brenda guessed he’d been lying in the snow for some time before making it to the cabin door. She unbuttoned his coat just enough to get to the buckle of his belt.
"Wait… Back up Brenda. He’ll freeze…" She leaned back to rub her temples in concentration. Damn it! She’d been around Jax for how long? You would think some of his resourcefulness would have rubbed off by now.
"It did… It did!" Brenda muttered through clenched teeth to herself. She just had to calm down and think. "What would Jax do… what would he do…?"
Blankets! She needed to get blankets. Ok, that was easy. She looked at his leg and another thought came to her. Pressure on the wound. She could have kicked herself for not thinking of that sooner.
"Doesn’t matter, Bren. You thought of it now…" She could practically hear Jax’s voice saying that to her. She ran into the bathroom and began an earnest search for the materials she’d need. She found a waded up t-shirt and ran back to Jerry with it. Snapping the shirt out flat, she wound it tightly around the wound. Jerry winced slightly and moaned, but did not regain consciousness. Brenda then stood up and ran to the bedroom where she had been held and stripped the bed of its thermal blankets. She pulled them over Jerry before running to the second bedroom to repeat the process.
"Ok, now what… Fire. I have to get a fire going in here…"
"Generator…" The voice had been so weak she had barely understood it. Her heart leapt to her throat and she knelt by Jerry, picking his head up to hold it in her hands.
"Jerry? Did you say generator?"
"Yeah… outside Bren… You have to try and start it… just like a lawnmower…" The thick Australian accent held none of its usual cockiness, and it scared her. At the same time, the same voice, taken two octaves higher, would have been Jax’s and that filled her with such warmth and clarity. She knew what she had to do now. Just hearing the voice of someone she’d come to love dearly after all this time gave her piece of mind. She wasn’t alone anymore. She could deal with this. After Sonny, it would be a cakewalk.
She ran back to the bedroom again to find something to wear. There was nothing. Not one shred of anything that would protect her from the weather outside. Brenda went to the third bedroom that she had wanted to avoid like the plague, knowing it was where Sonny had stayed. It didn’t matter now. Pulling the blankets off the bed, she returned to Jerry yet again.
"Ok, Jer. Haveta trade ya for just a little while…"
He had lost consciousness again, but that didn’t bother her. He was alive and she was determined to keep him that way. She pulled the blankets down to his waist and unbuttoned his coat the rest of the way. She took off first one sleeve, then the next before struggling to roll him out of the body of the coat. Mimicking the methods she’d seen used by the nurses at GH, she rolled him to one side and arranged half of the thermal blanket under him. Then she did the same with the other side and wrapped the rest around his arms and chest. She then pulled the other blankets back over him and stood up to wrap the down coat around herself. It was still warm with Jerry’s body heat and felt wonderful. Putting on the old tennis shoes left in her room, she prepared to brave the outside.
Brenda opened the door to the nastiest blizzard she had encountered since the ski resort in Canada. How she hated the memories of that moment in her life. It was one of several actually. The look of hurt and anger that she’d seen on Jax’s face at the lodge always haunted her. So many times she had wished that she could go back and erase all the hurtful things she’d done to Jax.
She took a deep breath and hunched her shoulders against the blast of wind that hit her. She especially hated the cold. In her mind, Brenda always related frigid, cold weather to Sonny. Sonny was her winter and Jax was her summer, spring and fall. His love made her warm in all the best ways and oh, how she longed to be warm right now. It was pretty amazing actually. To even look at Sonny and Jax, the difference was so obvious. Jax was fair and bright and Sonny was dark and cloudy. Jax was the eternal optimist, Sonny the pessimist. Jax was open and honest; Sonny was an introvert and a liar. She pushed the thoughts and comparisons out of her head to focus on Jax entirely. She knew it would be her saving grace.
She thought of Malibu and of Australia… the s’mores on Thanksgiving… the dance in New York… the rain in New Orleans… anything to keep her mind off the cold. It was working too. It lit a fire in her soul that had been reduced to a flicker in the last two and a half months. Not that she burned for Jax any less. Just that it wasn’t something she could let show in order to handle Sonny. Leaving it to freely smolder was dangerous. It showed in her eyes; the aching and the wanting. That hadn’t been an emotion she could afford while trying to pretend to be catatonic. The one time she had envisioned Jax, it had almost given her ruse away. She hadn’t been able to hold the tears back very well. Luckily, Renaldo had looked away just long enough for her to swipe the tear off her cheek.
She saw the generator in the distance. It seemed miles away to her. The wind was biting at her face and hands, making her head hurt and her eyes burn. She was having a hard time focusing on her goal. The swirling snow made it difficult to see anything more than a few feet in front of her. It made its way into her shoes with each sinking step. She loosened the drawstring on Jerry’s jacket hood and tried to pull the sides further over her face. She pulled the coat more snugly about her body and clenched the ends of the sleeves closed with her fists.
It was just too damn cold here. Brenda reached the generator finally, but was completely exhausted. She wanted to sit down and rest, but she knew she had to get the motor started first. Locating the cord and choke wasn’t easy. The sting of the icy snow was making her eyes water, blurring her vision significantly. When she did find the lanyard, she braced her foot against the base plate and said a little prayer. Throwing her weight backward, she let the momentum pull hard on the cord. It was a good effort, but not enough to start the engine. She tried three more times before sinking heavily to her knees in the snow.
Now the tears flowed from frustration as well as the wind. She was so tired. Tired of everything. Tired of the constant struggle and the constant pain in her life. Jerry was here and it still wasn’t enough to get her home. They were going to die here cold and alone with nothing but memories of warmth and love to ease them into sleep. She envied Jerry. He was already out cold. He would simply not wake up. She was too tired to want to walk back to the cabin. Soon it wouldn’t matter anyway. The cabin would quickly be just as cold as the outside and she really didn’t want to die in there. She didn’t like the idea of leaving Jerry in there to be alone, but after being held there for so long she abhorred the idea of breathing her last breath still a prisoner of its walls.
Brenda sagged against the generator casing and closed her eyes. She just wanted to sleep; to be at rest and at peace.
*******************
Jax stepped into his bedroom and watched the setting sun sparkle off the water. His mind replayed that morning’s episode and he tried to make sense of it. As the sky painted the ocean waters in teals and mauves, he heard Brenda’s voice over and over. It was so clear and urgent. He’d heard it before in his dreams, but this morning he’d been fully awake. He closed his eyes and felt himself fading into a dream.
*******************
I wake in the nightJax stepped into the circular room and took in the view. The walls were white stucco, but the rising moon cast blue silver rays on them, making them seem to glow. White candles on wrought iron stands lit the room without overpowering the ethereal luminance of the moonlight. The floor was dark hardwood and it caught the flickering of every candle beautifully. Floor to ceiling arched alcoves surrounded the large empty room, each framed by pairs of white chiffon curtains that fluttered dreamily in the night air. The alcoves housed glass doors that led out to the balcony, which encircled two thirds of the room. The balcony overlooked the cliff the house was built on and the city of Los Angeles in the distance.
Brenda stood in the archway like an angel from above. The sight of her stole Jax’s breath away. She wore a floor-length sleeveless dress and her loose hair blew softly in the breeze. The fabric was white gossamer that was nearly transparent. The neckline hung in drapes across her chest, and a long train stretched out behind her. The wide straps turned into twin scarves that flowed out at the base of each shoulder. Each time the air caught them, they reminded Jax of a cape that a princess might wear. The long sheath of the dress rippled gracefully around her hips and legs as she stood looking out past the balcony and into the night sky. She wore no jewelry save her engagement ring. He could see it glinting in the moonlight.
Brenda turned to see Jax standing there in the doorway and felt her heart leap into her throat. He was breathtakingly handsome. He wore light beige pants with a white mandarin collared shirt. The light colors in the moonlight made him look like an angel. Her heart ached with love at the sight of him. He smiled his devastating smile at her for a few seconds then crossed the room. As he reached her, he put a hand out to stroke the side of her hair then her face. She could have melted at his touch, it was so soft and loving.
I look in your eyesShe smiled back him and took his hand in her own. He loved the fragrance of her; the dewy melon shower gel and jasmine scented shampoo that she favored. The breeze carried it to him, washing his senses with it. He felt so complete standing with her there. It was quiet save for the gentle rustle of the wind in the curtains.
Brenda nestled into Jax’s chest and breathed in the smell of his cologne. It was a subtle Armani scent with woodsy overtones. She could also smell the Paul Mitchell shampoo and vanilla bean soap that he loved. She wrapped her arms around him and they hugged each other tightly. The tranquility of the moment soothed her and she felt entirely at peace. She wanted to stay here forever.
And here in my heartThey stood on the balcony and watched the lights twinkle below. It was perfect and serene, the night air filled with the magic of their love. It created an aura around them; blocking out the heartache of the outside world. It was just the two of them together in their own private paradise. Nothing could touch them or hurt them. They were each other’s shelter and nothing else existed beyond the walls of the stucco room.
I wake from a dreamJax took Brenda’s hand and led her back into the room. The candlelight glinted golden on her hair and in her eyes. He stopped in the middle of the room, drawing her back into his arms and began to dance slowly with her. Her face radiated with love and happiness and he knew she could see the same in his own face. He thought his heart might burst with the joy of being able to just touch her and hold her.
Brenda watched the light sparkle in Jax’s eyes and across his face. He just dazzled her in every way. She wasn’t sure what she had done to deserve Jax, but she wasn’t going to ponder it too deeply. He was here and he was hers. That was all she needed to know. She intended to treasure and cherish him like no one else could. He would never hurt again on her account. She was going to love him with everything she had to give.
"I love you, Brenda."
"Oh, Jax. I love you too. I love you so much…"
Save all your love,They danced there slowly with nothing but the music of their hearts to guide them. Jax buried his face into Brenda’s hair, letting the smell soothe him. If this was a dream, he did not want to wake up ever. To hold her again was all he’d wanted and needed for the past months. It was all he’d prayed and wished for, and now she was here. The surge of overwhelming happiness brought tears to his eyes and he thought that he might start weeping at any moment.
Brenda’s mind floated with the elation of being in Jax’s arms. Time had no place here for her. One minute faded into the next with nothing to note its passing but the beating of Jax’s heart in her ears. She could no longer feel her arms or legs. They were no longer under her control. Rather, they moved in time with Jax’s body, responded to his every touch without her forethought or consent. Never in all her life had she felt this way with Jax. There was no beginning or end to their actions. One flowed seamlessly into another without conscious thought. Her outward sigh was his inward breath. His tremble was the touch of her hand.
Brenda suddenly stopped and pulled away to look at Jax. She thought of Jerry and bowed her head to look at the floor shamefully. How could she love Jax this much yet still leave his brother in such a position? She couldn’t live happily with Jax if Jerry’s death was hanging over her head.
Jax watched as a sadness crossed Brenda’s face. He looked at her questioningly, confused by the sudden change.
"Brenda? Honey, what’s wrong?"
"I want to stay here forever with you…" She raised her eyes to him and he could see the tears glistening in them. "…but I have to go back…"
"Back? Back where? Isn’t this a dream?" Jax held her hands tightly and was suddenly afraid to let go of them.
"I don’t know…I thought maybe I was in heaven…"Brenda smiled weakly and the tears began to overflow and spill down her cheeks.
"Brenda, I’ve been so lost without you. When I saw the car go off the cliff, my world crumbled around me. Your death made me hollow and empty. I’m so lonely, Brenda. I don’t want to let go of you. I don’t want you to leave. If you’re an angel I don’t care. I just need you to stay here with me. I don’t want to wake up from this. …" Jax felt his face grow wet with tears of his own. He saw Brenda’s face soften and a gentle smile eased over her mouth.
"I’m not dead Jax. I’m alive! Don’t you know that? Don’t you feel that in your heart? I promised you that ‘Nobody Leaves’ and you promised me the same. I meant that promise, Jax. Please, please don’t give up on me! I don’t want to leave you either, but Jerry needs me…"
"Jerry? Jerry is with you…?" Jax’s features darkened and suspicion clouded his eyes.
"Jerry found me Jax. He was trying to rescue me, but he’s been hurt. I went outside to start the generator, but I couldn’t and I sat down to rest. I think I fell asleep in the snow…" Brenda’s eyes grew distant as she tried to retrace her actions. Jax nearly came out of his skin.
"Snow? You’re sleeping in the snow? Brenda, do you know where you are?" His eyes were blazing with fear. He grasped her shoulders firmly and his gaze prompted her to try to remember anything that Sonny might have said to tip off the cabin’s location. She shook her head in frustration and anger.
"I don’t know! God, Jax, I wish I did! I was sedated when they took me there…"
"Who? Who took you, Brenda?"
"Sonny. It was Sonny and Renaldo…" She began weeping and Jax folded her back into his arms. He stroked her hair and rocked her gently back and forth while he tried to control his temper. He would kill Corinthos for this. His mind suddenly flashed back to what Brenda had just said and he pushed her carefully away from him.
"Brenda, you said you were in the snow? You need to wake up." She looked at him with such sad eyes that it broke his heart. He couldn’t stay here with her though. She was right. She had to go back, otherwise he might really lose her and Jerry as well.
"God, Brenda. I don’t want you to go either, but baby, you have to wake up and get out of that snow. If you’re really alive and my brother is with you, if this is truly real and not some strange dream I’m having, then honey you have to go back. I’ll find you Brenda, I swear it. You just need to fight a little longer. Can you do that for me? Can you do that for us?" Jax knew the minutes were slipping away fast. He wasn’t sure what was wrong with Jerry, but his primary concern was Brenda getting out of the snow.
"Yes. I’ll fight for you, Jax. I’ll do it. I’ll take care of Jerry too, I swear to you that I will."
Jax smiled at her, then kissed her with enough passion to see her through whatever hell awaited her. He touched her face and kissed her forehead again. Brenda grabbed his hands and pressed her lips to them. They then pulled away from each other and watched as the room began to fade away around them.
"I love you Jax. Please hurry…"
"I will sweetheart. I swear I’ll find you Brenda. I love you…"
Save all your love, save your love for meBrenda’s eyes opened to the storm around her alert and aware. Despite lying in the snow, she was warm. The fatigue was gone and she felt strong and awake. She knew she’d dreamed of Jax, but she couldn’t really remember it. It was more a feeling of peace than an actual memory of anything that occurred in the dream that told her Jax had been there with her. Now her determination was renewed and she stood up to try the generator again. This time when she heaved the cord up toward herself, she was rewarded with the sputtering of a cold engine starting. Brenda screamed with happiness and jumped up and down. She turned around and stumbled back quickly toward the cabin.
"Hang on Jerry! I’m coming… Hang on…!"
They were going to make it. She knew that now…
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Jax awoke to the sound of a radio playing faintly in the living room. He shut his eyes to try and conjure the dream he’d just had. He had been with Brenda, but he couldn’t remember any part of the dream. It was strange, but he felt better now than he had in months. It didn’t make any sense. Dreams of Brenda had usually only made him sad and listless since the accident, but this was different somehow. He just wished he could remember. He got up off the bed and splashed his face with cold water in the bathroom. He changed his clothes, then went out to join Shea in the other room.
She sat on the couch with a cup of tea gazing pensively into the fireplace. Jax took one look at her and settled on a course of action. He walked over, plucked the teacup from her hands and set it down purposefully on the coffee table. He sat down in front of her and pierced her with a sharp stare. She raised an eyebrow quizzically at him, waiting for the grand speech he seemed prepared to give.
"Shea, we gotta get out of this house…"
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