One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and
said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to
talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a
vasectomy." "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with
your family?" "Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

An airplane shipment full of Pepsi had a malfunction flying over the
continent of Africa and went down. It took a few weeks for the Pepsi
Company to send a three man rescue team. While searching the area they
found a tribe of cannibals. Asking the Chief of the tribe if he knew
anything about the crash, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we
drank the Pepsi." the Rescue team was shocked! A team member asked, "Did
you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we
drank the Pepsi" The second member asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The
Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." Totally
bewildered, a third member asked, "Did you...well, you know...eat
their...things?" The Chief replied, "No!" "No?" asked the rescuer. "No,"
replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

A guy told his wife, "I think we need to find a new baby- sitter for
little Jon. This Judi is just too worldly-wise for a teenager." "But Jon said
she told him some sort of interesting story about animals last night,"
his wife said. "Uh huh. And when I asked little Jon about it, he said
it was about a wolf who was trapped into giving a mink to a fox with a
beaver."

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the
birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a
small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The
couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home,
he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny
letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

She was so blonde...

...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up
her mind.
...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...she told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK.
...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here" she put
"Sagittarius."
...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the house,
she moved.

Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua,
"Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got
dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead.

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher
puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at
the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This
is my seeing eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a
pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

Dog Talk

A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state
policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull
over. The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car.
State cop: "License and registration please."
Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75 mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"

State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."
State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my
car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."
Man: "Listen you dumb *&^^%$, shut your !@#$' mouth!!!"
State Cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: "Only when he's drunk......."

Money delivery...

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His
clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy."Can I help you?"the
madam asked."I want Natalie,"the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is
one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I
must see Natalie."Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old
man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and
reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went
up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left. The next night
he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one
had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts,
it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two
went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed
up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he
handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of
the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my
services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man
replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a
sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man.
"She gave me $3,000 to give to you.

A sailor who has been at sea for several months comes into port
and heads for a brothel. He tells the man at the desk he'd like
some sex, but he doesn't have much money. The man tells him a
girl will cost him $40 and a sex show $20. The sailor is desperate
as he only has $5, having lost most of his money
in cards games aboard ship.

"You've got to help me out! I've been at sea for months and I
really need some sex. You've got to do something for me.
Please!" The man thinks for a moment, takes the money, and
directs the sailor to one of the upstairs rooms. Once inside
the room the sailor looks around but the only thing he sees is a
chicken. Desperate for some action, he resigns himself to having
his way with the chicken and quickly leaves.

Two weeks later, he returns, this time having won a few bucks
on ship. "What do you have for $20," he asks. The man directs
him upstairs once again to a different room. Opening the door,
the room is packed with men shoulder to shoulder all watching
lesbians through a one-way mirror on the wall. The sailor's eyes
light up as he watches and remarking to a man standing next to
him, "This is great."

The man replies, "If you thinks this is great, you should have
been here 2 weeks ago. There was a guy screwing a chicken!"

Stung...

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp
buzzed into the woman's private part. The husband covered her with
a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a mad
dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that
the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the
husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis,
penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man
agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the
occasion. "If neither of you object," the medic said,"I could give it
a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly
undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband
watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for
several long minutes. "Hey, what the hell is happening?" "Change of
plans," the physician panted. "I'm going to drown the bastard!"

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~ Always, JB