A great new software announcement!!! This memo is to announce the development of a new software system.
We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS.
Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS."

85 year old man...

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman.
Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on
their wedding night they should have separate suites.
She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself.
After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for
the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the
knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.
They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he
takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for
the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door
and there the old guy is again ready for more action.
Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is
again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a
fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for
slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second
time when there is another knock at the door and there
he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.
Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying
in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really
impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it
three times. I've been with guys less than half your age
who were only good for one." The old guy looks puzzled
and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"

"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are
behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders,
you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is
this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey,
88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five
dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic
proportions." "Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have
any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end
to this sexual perversion?" "I think we should send a
message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex.
The contents of that message should tell them exactly what
will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop
this type of activity." replied St. Peter. "That is an
effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead
of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward
those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's
personally signed by me to each one of these good people."
And so they did. Do you know what the letter said?
...hmmm...So you didn't get the letter either, huh????

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash, put a
roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some
dry cleaning. "Gudness, it's hot," she mused as she walked
down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought,
"vy nodt?" Helga sat at the bar, and the bartender asked
her what she would have. Helga said, "Yanno, it's so hot,
I tink I'll haff myself a cold beer." The bartender asked,
"Anhauser Busch?" Helga, surprised, replied, "Vell fine,
tanks. Undt how's your pecker??"

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up
with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck
at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like an asshole.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in
the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the
same boring story over and over again until your friends
want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things
like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the
boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at
the office Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over
in the morning and see something really scary (whose species
and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really,
really, really big biker guy named "Big Al".

Company Communications Policy Changes ...

It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals have been using foul language in the course
of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints
from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct
will no longer be tolerated! The management does however
realize the importance of each person being able to express
their feelings when communicating with their fellow
workers.

Therefore, management has compiled the following coded list.
It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize
the coded phrase so the proper exchange of ideas and
information can continue.

New Phrase: I'm not certain that's feasible
Old Phrase: No fucking way.

New Phrase: Really?
Old Phrase: You've got to be shitting me.

New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with.[Insert name here]
Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a rat's ass.

New Phrase: Of course I'm concerned.
Old Phrase: Ask me if I give a shit.

New Phrase: I was not involved with that project.
Old Phrase: It's not my fucking problem.

New Phrase: Interesting behavior...
Old Phrase: What the hell?

New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.
Old Phrase: When the fuck do they expect me to do this.

New Phrase: He's not familiar with this problem.
Old Phrase: He's got his head up his ass.

New Phrase: You don't say.
Old Phrase: Eat shit.

New Phrase: Excuse me?
Old Phrase: Eat shit and die.

New Phrase: Excuse me, sir?
Old Phrase: Eat shit and die, mother fucker.

New Phrase: They weren't happy with it?
Old Phrase: What the fuck do they want from me.

New Phrase: So you would like some help?
Old Phrase: Kiss my ass.

New Phrase: I love a challenge:
Old Phrase: This job sucks.

New Phrase: You want me to take care of this?
Old Phrase: Who died and left you boss?

New Phrase: I see..
Old Phrase: Blow me

This old Amish guy got himself an industrial drum of Viagra
figuring that if he put it in his well, it would not only
help himself, but all of his poultry and livestock.
The problem is that he can't get his pump handle to go down.
One of the dangerous side effects of Viagra is that you must
drink it quickly to avoid getting a stiff neck.

Old Lady...

An old lady goes into her doctors office and confesses to an
embarrassing problem. "Doctor, I keep farting but they are
silent and don't smell. In fact I've farted no less than
20 times since I came in here. Can you help me?" The doctor
started scribbling a prescription and said, "Take two of
these a day for seven days then come back and see me."
The lady went home and took the prescription and returned
at the end of the week. When the doctor entered the room she
lost it. "What the hell did you give me?!? I'm still farting
just as much but now they stink really bad!!!" The doctor
replied, "Calm down Mrs. Johnston- now that we've cleared
up your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

Little Boy...

An old man is sitting on his porch one morning when he sees
the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under
his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "It's a roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "Whatcha gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some chickens."
"You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just keeps walking. That evening the boy comes
walking by and he is dragging behind him the chicken wire
with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying
something else.
The old man yells, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"A roll of duck tape."
"Whatcha gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
The boy keeps walking. That night the boy walks by and
the old man is amazed to sees that trailing behind him
the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught
in it.
The next morning the boy walks by carrying a bunch of
long reeds with fuzzy flowers on the ends.
The old man says, "Hey, boy, whatcha got there?"
"Pussy willows."
The old man says, "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open
and her right breast hanging out. A cop was approaching
from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes
must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out
of her blouse." But, as he got closer, it became apparent
that she really was hanging out.
When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said,
"Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent
exposure?"
"Why, officer?" the woman asked.
"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging
out of your blouse."
The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed,
"Oh my goodness! I left the baby on the bus!"

A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first
time to the city, so she wants to see the Capitol building.
Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police
officer for directions.
"Excuse me, officer," the blonde says, "how do I get to
the Capitol building?"
The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the
number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." The blonde
thanks the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer comes back to the
same area, and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting
at the same bus stop.
The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me ma'am,
but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here
for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are
you still waiting?"
The blonde says, "Don't worry, officer,
it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

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~ Always, JB