1. The Ellen DeGeneres virus...Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
2. Monica Lewinsky virus...Sucks all the memory out of your computer
3. Titanic virus...makes your whole computer go down
4. Disney Virus...makes your computer go Goofy
5. Mike Tyson Virus...Quits after two bytes
6. Prozac virus...Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
7. Sharon Stone virus...Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there
8. Lorena Bobbit virus...Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 floppy
9. Woody Allen virus...Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
10. Saddam Hussein virus...Won't let you in to any program
11. Tonya Harding virus...Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons
12. Joey Buttafuocco virus...Only attacks minor files
13. Spice Girl virus...Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
14. Ronald Reagan virus...Saves your data, but forgets where it stored it.
15. Dr. Krevorkian virus...searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
16. Sony Bono virus...Just
when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of
nowhere.
17. Martha Stewart virus...Takes
all your files, sorts them by category and folds
them into cute little doilies
to be displayed on your desktop.
18. Oprah Winfrey virus...Your
200MB hard drive shrinks to 80MB and then
slowly expands to 300MB.
19. AT&T virus...Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you're getting.
20. MCI virus... every 3 minutes
it reminds you that you're paying too much for
the AT&T virus
21. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus...Terminates and stays resident..."it'll be back"
22. Viagra virus...Expands
your Hard Drive.
Q: What do you do with 365
used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a
tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: What's the difference between
sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it
in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit
of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to
turn around.
Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating
and your hand falls asleep.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get
thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting
on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no
big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: If there is H2O on the
inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.
Q: What did the egg say to
the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me
to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
Q: What did the potato chip
say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm
Frito Lay.
Q: What's another name for
pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman
pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower
coming.
Q: How do you make your wife
scream during sex?
A: Call her up and tell her
where you're at!
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse,
you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks
