Drunk Irishman???...

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up
to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more
time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures
he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will
sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls
flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to
his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat
on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he
reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he
manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed.
He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again!"

History...

Here is a little history lesson. Believe it or not, but a good
portion of this is actually true. Maybe all of it, but its almost
too funny to believe.

In the current film, Titanic, the character Rose is shown giving the
finger. Many people who have seen the film, question whether
"giving the finger" was done around the time of the Titanic disaster,
or was it a more recent gesture invented by some defiant
seventh-grader.
According to research, here's the true story: Giving the Finger
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of
all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would
be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore
be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made
of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow
was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the
bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began
mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this
symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to
say (like "peasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you
had to go to see for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow),
the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually
changed to a labiodental fricative'F', and thus the words often
used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly
thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that
the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
And yew all thought yew knew everything!

- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
- Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
- The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece
has memorized all 158 verses.- There are 293 ways to make change
for a dollar.
- The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
- A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
- There are more chickens than people in the world.
- Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
- The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
- All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
- No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver or purple.
- "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
- All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial
on the back of the $5 bill.
- Almonds are a member of the peach family.
- Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
- Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
- There are only four words in the English language which end in
"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
- Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
los Angeles de Porciuncula"-and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of
its size: "L.A."
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
- Tigers have stripped skin, not just stripped fur.
- In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed
on a watch is 10:10.
- Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
- The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
- When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home,
the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
- The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert
the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's
"Its A Wonderful Life."
- A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
- On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upperleft-hand
corner of the "1"encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the
front upper right-hand corner.
- It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
(DON'T try this @ home!)
- The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
- Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme?
Paul Reiser himself.
- In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
- The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the
creator,
Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,
hence "Oz."
- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube
and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
- Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
- John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
- The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
- There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
- "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only
the left hand.

-Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
-If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
-A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
-He who hesitates is probably right.
-No one is listening until you made a mistake.
-Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
-The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of
the bread.
-The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
-To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.
-To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
-Two wrongs are only the beginning.
-You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
-The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
-Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7" of your life.
-The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
-Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.
-Don't sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things.
-Money can't buy love, but it can rent a very close imitation.
-Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
-Always try to be modest, and be damn proud of it.
-If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
-Chastity is curable, if detected early.
-Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
-Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
-Borrow money from pessimists. they don't expect it back.
-Half the people you know are below average.
-99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
-42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
-A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

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~ Always, JB