"All you people can't you see, can't you see, how your love's affecting our reality-"
 
    "Wait!  Stop for a sec...someone was a hair off.  Try it once more guys."
 
    It was the middle of the afternoon, and the Boys and their band were doing a sound check/rehearsal.  It had been a pretty slow day, what with travelling to the next venue on the bus and all.  Besides that, we hadn't really been doing anything.
 
    In spite of that fact, my mind was racing and I felt exhausted.  I couldn't stop thinking about the night before, and Nick's proposal.  I was so happy, yet so confused, all at the same time.  For one thing, how was I supposed to tell my parents?  There's just no easy way to tell them something like that, and I knew that they wouldn't exactly be overjoyed with the news.
 
    I was so deep in my thoughts that I hadn't noticed that the sound check was over.  Nick had come over and sat down beside me.  "Penny for your thoughts?" he asked with concern.
 
    I looked up.  "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine."
 
    But he knew me better than that.  "Is this about the wedding?  Are you afraid to get married?  Because if it's any consolation, I'm nervous too.  But that doesn't mean that I'm not looking forward to having you as my wife."
 
    Alright, so the guy was psychic.  I closed my eyes and leaned against him.  He put his arms around me and rubbed my back.  "Let's go back to the hotel for a bit, ok?  I think we need some time to talk."
 

 
    When we walked into the hotel room, Nick closed the door and looked long and hard at me.  I nervously shifted my gaze to the floor, and he took a step toward me.  "You're gonna have to tell me eventually, so why not make it now?  There's no time like the present."
 
    I looked back at him, and saw the absolute love in his eyes.  At that moment I wanted nothing more than to release my every hope, fear, and dream to him.  But still I held back, only giving him the crucial information.
 
    "Nick, there's a lot you don't know about me.  I mean, we've been together for nearly 6 months, and even though I know pretty much your entire life's history, you know next to nothing about me.  Are you sure you want to marry someone who's a complete mystery to you?"
 
    A flicker of disappointment crossed his face.  He stared at me and asked softly and uncertainly, "Are you sure you want to marry me?"
 
    Tears formed in my eyes as I saw the devastation on his face.  Hesitating, I chose my words carefully.  "I love you with all of my heart.  I've never loved someone as much as I love you, and my heart is aching right now.  But this is going a little too fast for me, and I think I need more time."
 
    He froze.  Slowly, he turned and walked to the window.  I went over to him and began to put my hands around his waist, but he pushed them away.  Hurt, I backed away and watched as he put his hands up to his face and began to sob.  Again I tried to comfort him, but this time he took hold of my wrists and spun around, so I could see the tears coursing down his cheeks.  He angrily wiped them away and said, "I've looked for so long to find someone like you.  And I'll be damned if I'm gonna lose you now.  If it's time you want, then I can give it to you.  But if this is the end, I need to know now."
 
    I swallowed.  "I just need some time, that's all."
 
    His face softened and he took me in his arms.  "Just don't leave me without you for too long, ok?"
 
    I nodded.  I gave him a peck on the cheek and told him goodbye.
 

 
    A sharp knock on the door brought me back to reality.  I got up and answered it.  Kevin smiled at me.  "Can I come in?"
 
    I nodded, and he came into the room, closing the door behind him.  "Are you ok?" he asked.
 
    I shrugged my shoulders and sighed.  Ever since I'd told Nick 2 days ago that I needed some time to think, it seemed that the only thing I hadn't been doing was thinking.  Everyone thought that something was terribly wrong between the two of us, but the truth was that I just needed some time to myself, to sort out everything that had happened in the last little while.  And while I knew that Kevin had only good intentions in mind, it was really starting to get me upset.
 
    As if reading my mind, Kevin broke into my thoughts and whispered softly, "Look, I know that everyone's been badgering you about what's going on with you and Nick.  They've been bugging Nick about it too, but he won't say anything.  I just want to make sure you're both ok, and if you don't want to tell me the rest, that's up to you.  But I hope you know that I'm a really good listener, if you ever need to talk."
 
    I shuffled around the room, while Kevin stood there and watched me.  Suddenly, the impact of everything that was happening to me hit me with full force, and I dropped to my knees, crying out.  Kevin rushed over to me and held me tight, trying to comfort me.  And slowly, I told him everything, all the things that no one, not even Jayme, knew about my childhood.  I told him how I'd been adopted when I was 4 years old, and about how my birth mom had abandoned me and left me to die on the street.  I told him how I'd never really adjusted and fit in with my adoptive family, even though I'd been so young.  The only one I'd really been close to was my older brother, Austin.  And I told him how my world had fallen apart when I was 10, because my brother had been killed.
 
    Kevin shook his head in disbelief.  "How did he die?"
 
    I took in a long, deep breath and shuddered.  "I remember that day so clearly.  Austin had just turned 18 the day before, and my parents had bought him a brand new car.  I was so impressed, and Austin told me that I could be the first one to ride in it.  That night, he took me out for dinner, just the two of us, even though my parents had wanted to do it as a family.  He promised them that we'd be home early enough for the surprise party he knew they were throwing for him.  I got all dressed up, and we went to the fanciest restaurant.  He got the waiter to bring me a hamburger, even though it wasn't on the menu, because he knew that's what I liked best.  He treated me like a princess that night, even though it was his birthday.  After dinner, we went for a little bit of a drive around town, since it was still too early to go back to the house.  Austin was driving so carefully, he didn't want me to get hurt, and he didn't want anything to wreck his shiny new car.
 
    "We finally decided to go home for the party.  As we started driving home, my favourite song came on the radio.  You know that song, by Guns ‘n' Roses, ‘Sweet Child O' Mine'?"  Kevin nodded.  "Well, every night before I went to sleep, Austin would bring his guitar into my room and play it for me.  When he played and sang that song for me, I always felt so loved, and wanted.  And he would tell me that I was extra special to him, because I had been chosen by their family."
 
    I paused to clear my throat.  Tears were tracing down my cheeks, falling onto my shirt.  Kevin wiped my eyes with the back of his hand, and I continued.
 
    "He turned up the radio and started singing along.  As we turned onto our street, both of us were too distracted to notice that there was another car backing out of a driveway on Austin's side of the road.  It was going really fast, and it slammed right into our car, and the impact killed my brother instantly.  We found out later that the guy driving the car was in Austin's graduating class, and he was really drunk....he walked away without a scratch, and the police found me in the car with Austin's head in my lap, crying hysterically.  You wanna know something really ironic though?  The guy who hit us was backing out of our neighbour's driveway; we were only 1 house away from home."
 
    As I let all the jumbled feelings out that I'd been holding in for so long, Kevin just sat with me on the floor and rocked me back and forth.  After a while, he quietly stated what I'd just now figured out myself: "And that's why you're so afraid to get too close to Nick."
 
    Silently, I nodded.  Kevin let out a deep breath.  "You need to tell him this, you know."
 
    "I know...it's just...I don't know if he'll understand any better why I'm pushing him away.  Sometimes he gets so bullheaded that there's no reasoning with him.  And....I think I hurt him too much this time.  He hasn't said a word to me in the past 2 days...I know I said I needed space, but the Grand Canyon wasn't what I had in mind."
 
    Kevin chuckled, then turned serious again.  "He really needs to know that this isn't because of him.  Although I tend to agree that he's bullheaded and all, he's also very upset right now.  He won't talk to anybody Sam, not even Brian.  We're all really worried about both of you, but especially him, because when he gets upset about something like this, it sends him over the edge.  And I'd do anything to stop that from happening."

 Chapter Twenty
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