DSFalcon & Memoey
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These are taken from real resumes 1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." 2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor a spreasheet progroms." 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." 4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." 5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people." 8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." 9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." 10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." 11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." 12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No comments." 13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." 14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel to respond to my resume on my office voice mail." 15. "I have become completely paraniod, trusting completely no one and absolutly nothing." 16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I posess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." 17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant." 18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." 19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investmensts." 20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." 21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." 22. "Marital status: often. Children: various." 23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions." 24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers." 25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."

Sesame Street Bus Driver The Sesame Street Bus company hires a new driver called Harry. Driving the bus along Harry is flagged down by two rather fat ladies. Greeting them cheerfully, Harry says 'Hi, I'm Harry' to which the first lady replies ' My name is Patty.' The second lady says 'My name is also Patty.' Harry gets the bus under way and is flagged down at the next bus stop by a man. As the man boards, Harry says, 'Hi I'm Harry.' The man replies, 'Hi, I'm Ross, and I'm special.' Harry thinks 'Yeah right.' Harry gets the bus under way again and is flagged down at another bus stop. As the passenger boards, Harry greets him in the usual way. The passenger says 'Hi, I'm Bedus Peas', and sits in the front seat. Harry starts going again but smells a stench. Having a quick look he notices that Bedus Peas has taken his shoes and socks off, and is picking at a bunion on his foot. At the end of the day, Harry returns to the depot and tells the manager he quits. To his surprise, the manager asks why. Harry explains: 'If I have to pick up Two obese Pattys, special Ross, Bedus Peas picking bunions on a sesame street bus, one more time, I'll go crazy.'

Words That Should Be in the Dictionary 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay'shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. 8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Go To School!!! Mother: Come on victor you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school. Victor: Ahh mum do I have to, all the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too. Mother: Yes you do. Victor: Give me a good reason. Mother: You're 34 and your the Principal!

Parrot Carol received a parrot for her birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that were not expletive were, to say the least, rude. Carol tried hard to change the bird's attitude, and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music . . . anything she could think of to try to set a good example. Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird, and the bird got even angrier, and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Carol put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments she heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming -- then suddenly there was quiet. Carol was frightened that she might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Carol's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions,and I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Carol was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Two Old Women!!! Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'. The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

Gas Company Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

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