DSFalcon & Memoey
Couple stories How did couples meet? Love notes Saying "Love" mean a life time. Lover recipes Setting romance with food. Thoughtful things Anniversary? Birthday? Midi songs Great songs for easy listening. Famous quotes Guess who said what. Online polls Be counted with others. Home Back to front page.	Rejected Hallmark Cards 1. My tire was thumping… I thought it was flat… when I loooked at the tire… I noticed your cat… Sorry! 2. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends… here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 3. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff! 4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy! 5. Heard your wife left you… How upset you must be… But don't fret about it… She moved in with me! 6. Your computer is dead… it was once so alive, Don't you regret installing Windows '95? 7. You totaled your car… and can't remember why… could it have been… that case of Bud Dry?	Rejected Hallmark Cards Frivolous Old Gal So you don't know Jack? News Paper Classifieds Church Bulletins Take Off My Clothes Being Married 50 years later Growing Old Baseball and Bill Clinton Man Who Loved Beans Resume Quotes Sesame Bus Driver Dictionary Dog Gone Mine Go To School!!! Parrot Two Old Women Gas Company

Frivolous Old Gal Dear Frank, I have become a little older since I last saw you and a few changes have come into my life. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go see John. Next, Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer. Always Your, Shirley

So you don't know Jack? He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. So now you know Jack Schitt.

The following are actual excerpts from newspapers 1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. 3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. 4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 5. Stock up and save. Limit: one. 6. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. 7. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. 8. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. 9. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 10. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. 11. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. 12. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. 13. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. 14. Great Dames for sale. 15. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. 16. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. 17. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. 18. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. 19. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 20. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. 21. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Actual Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins 1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. 2. Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. 10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mr. Vassilas to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 11. The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. 13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Take Off My Clothes My wife came home the other night and said, 'honey take my blouse off.' I said, 'ok!' She said, 'honey take my skirt off.' I said, 'ok!' Then she told me never to wear them again!

Being Married A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."

50 years later One day my grandparents were sitting at their dining room table. My grandma turned to my grandpa and said, "You know Honey, we've been married for 50 years, and 50 years ago we were sitting at this same table eating breakfast together. But back then we completely naked!!!" My grandpa gave my grandma that familiar look and she laughed and stripped down right there. Then she said, "And my nipples are just as hot for you now as they were back then!" My grandpa looked straight at her and said, "Well that's because one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

Growing Old Three old men were sitting one day one was 70, another 80, and the last 90 years old. The 70 year old said, 'I wish I could take a healthy piss.' The 80 year old said, 'I can piss, I just wish I could take a healthy crap.' The 90 year old said, 'I can take a piss at 6am and a crap at 11am, but I just wish I could wake up before noon.'

Baseball and Bill Clinton Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary were at a baseball game when the man sitting behind Bill whispers something into Bills ear, Bill Clinton stands up and throws Hilary on the baseball field. The man that was sitting behind Bill said, 'NO, NO, I said throw the first pitch!

Man Who Loved Baked Beans Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and some what lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

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