Highlights from The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy!

The people were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones with digital watches.
"It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying ‘Beware of the Leopard’."
"I’d trust him to the end of the end of the Earth." "And how far is that?" "About 12 minutes away."
"Hey, you sass that hoopy Ford Prefect? There’s a frood who really knows where his towel is."
Humans have a habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious as in "It’s a nice day" or "You are very tall" or "Oh dear, you seem to have fallen down a thirty foot well, are you all right?"
"The best way to irritate a Vogon is to feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal."
"You’ll need to have a fish in your ear."
"Well, if we’re lucky its just the Vogons come to throw us out into space." "And if we’re unlucky?" "The captain might be serious in his threat to read us some of his poetry first."
During a poetry reading of "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning", by Poet Master Grunthos the Flatuent, four audience members died of internal hemorrhaging and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing his own legs off. As he was about to embark on a reading of his twelve-book epic entitled "My Favorite Bathtime Gurgles", his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and civilization, leaped straight up through his neck and throttled his brain.
The prisoners sat in Poetry Appreciation Chairs—strapped in.
"My aunt said that spaceship guard was a good career for a young Vogon—you know, the uniform, the low-slung stun ray holster, the mindless tedium…"
"Space is big. Really big. You won’t believe how vastly hugely mind-boggingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist, but that’s just peanuts to space.
"The fabulously beautiful planet of Bethselamin is now so worried about the cumulative erosion by ten billion tourists a year that any net imbalance between the amount you eat and the amount you excrete while on the planet is surgically removed from your body weight when you leave so every time you go to the lavatory there it is vitally important to get a receipt."
"But that’s not the point! The point is that I’m a perfectly safe penguin and my colleague here is rapidly running out of limbs!"
"There’s an infinite number of monkeys outside who want to talk to us about this script for Hamlet they’ve worked out!"
The marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who’s Fun to Be With".
"All the doors in this spaceship have a cheerful and sunny disposition. It is their pleasure to open for you and their satisfaction to close again with the satisfaction with the knowledge of a job well-done"…"Thank you for making a simple door very happy."
"Please call me Eddie if it will help you relax," said the computer.
The deadly missile attack resulted in the untimely creation and sudden demise of a bowl of petunias and an innocent sperm whale….A shortened record of the thoughts of the sperm whale from creation to death is as follows. "Ah…! What is happening? Who am I? What is my purpose in life? Wow! This is really exciting…so much to look forward to! And wow! What is this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast? It needs a name…ground! I wonder if it will be friends with me?" This was followed y a sudden wet thud. The only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was "Oh no not again". Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.
Somewhere in the cosmos there was a planet entirely given over to ball-point life-forms.
There was an old man who claimed repeatedly that nothing was true, although he was later discovered to be lying.
Man had always assumed he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars, etc. while all the dolphins had ever done was muck around in the water having a good time Conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent for precisely the same reasons. The dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the planet Earth and had tried to alert mankind of the danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for tidbits, so they eventually gave up and left Earth by their own means before the Vogons arrived. The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backward somersault through a hoop while whistling the "Star-Spangled Banner", but in fact the message was "So long and thanks for all the fish".
The only species on Earth more intelligent than dolphins spent a lot of their time in behavioral research laboratories running round inside wheels and conducting frighteningly elegant and subtle experiments on man.
"When we tried to revive our cleaning staff we discovered they’d been dead for nearly thirty thousand years."
"The last planet was knee-deep in fish."