ones at bottom--Updated 4-18-00!)
*Why are men are like computers?
They're hard to figure out and never have enough memory.*
Why are men like coolers?
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
*Why are men like chocolate bars?
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.*
*Why are men like coffee?
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.*
*Why are men like horoscopes?
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.*
Why are men like plungers?
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the
bathroom.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs
*How are women and rocks alike?
Men skip the flat ones.*
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One; he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him.
What do men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
Why are men like mascara?
Because they run at the first sight of emotion.
Why are men like bike helmets?
They're handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Why are men like parking lots?
The good ones are taken and the rest are too small.
*Why are men like copiers?
You need them for reproduction but that's about it.*
*Why are men like (orange!) lava lamps?
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.*
Why are men like bank accounts?
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Why are men like high heels?
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Why are men like mini skirts?
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Why are men like placemats?
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Why are men like bananas?
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Why do men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like to see the hooker give the money back.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man
of 35 think of?
Dating children.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the ::ahem:: gas passing before it starts.
What's easier to make a snow-man or a snow-woman?
A snow-woman is easier to make, because with a snow-man you
have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to
make its ::ahem:: use your imagination.
How do you know if a man is lying?
His lips are moving!
Why did God make men smell so bad?
So that blind women can hate them too.
What does a man do with 365 used condoms?
Melt 'em down and make them into a tire and call it a
Goodyear.
Why do cowboys wear belts with their names on them?
So that when they pull their heads out of their ::ahem:: butts they know who they are!
Why is a man is like a fine wine?
He starts out raw as grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp
on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something
she'd like to have dinner with.
Why would the average woman would rather have beauty than brains?
Because the average man can see better than he can think.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?
Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
They won't stop for directions.
What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
Why do men masturbate?
It's sex with someone they love.
What does a woman do with her ::ahem:: asshole before having sex?
She drops him off at the golf course.
Why are men like public toilets?
Cause they're either full of ::ahem:: crap or taken.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect!
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
*Why are men like Beanie Babies?
They're cheap, their heads are mushy, and the really cute ones are hard to find. (Thanks, Tracy!)*
Why are men [like] dogs?
They both have irrational fears about vacum cleaning, they both hate being tied down, and they are both suspicious of the postman.
Why is sleeping with a man like watching a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
*What is a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.*
How do you know when a man is about to say something smart?
When he starts his sentence with "A woman once told me..."
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
*What do boys and sperm have in common?
They both have a one in a million chance of maturing into a human being.*
Why are men like newborn babies?
They're cute at first, but soon you get tired of picking up their crap.
Why are men like remote controls?
They're easy to use and usually lying around a TV.
Why are men like shag carpets?
They're soft, fuzzy, and extremely easy to walk on.
Why are men like vacuum cleaners?
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Why are men like road kill?
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Why are men like soap operas?
They're amusing, but not worth believing.
Why are men like old car tires?
They're balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare one.
*Why are men like plastic wrap?
They're cheap, they're clingy, and they're easy to see through.*
*Why are men like horoscopes?
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.*
Why are men like plungers?
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
What's an easy to scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Why are men like vacations?
They're never quite long enough.
Why are men like used cars?
They're both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
*Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.*
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted at several times.
How do we know Halloween pumpkins are male?
Their heads are empty, they have mush for brains, and after a few
days they start to smell funny!
What do wives and proctologists have in common?
They always have to deal with a pain in the ::ahem:: butt.
*What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?
Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.*
*When does a man feel like watering the garden?
After having a six pack.*
*What do women and tax forms have in common?
Men love to cheat on them.*
What does a married man say after sex?
Don't tell my wife.
Why should men be like Kleenex?
They are soft, strong and disposable.
What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Single.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
LOL....aren't those great??
Go to Diagram of the male brain!
Go to the poem, The Player!
Go to the requirements for a boyfriend!
Go see the mysteries of girlfriend/boyfriend communication unveiled!
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