To complain and/or damn me to Hell for all eternity, e-mail me at phat_cheops@yahoo.com Thanks so much!
- On that little space on Scantron tests where it says "Do Not Write In This Area" always write, "Okay".
- When someone asks you how you're doing, look really alarmed, then tackle them and pin them to the ground. Shout, "NOW who's asking the questions?"
- Try to convince people you are a spy. Blow up a few cars.
- Take constant lie detector tests. Remember: practice makes perfect!
- Sneak into Rush Limbaugh's set and wire his chair with high voltage. Every time he gives poorly researched information, give him a slight shock. Every time he gives misleading or misquoted information, give him a medium shock. Every time he flat out lies, give him a LARGE shock. Try to make his hair stand up.
- Keep saying how we never would have got this way if it weren't for the got-damn aliens.
~ whenever you think you spy a prosthetic body part on someone, try to yank it off and yell "Aha!" Even if it's not really a prosthetic.
~ amazing pop-phenomenon ideas: steak-knife man. he makes rythyms with knives slicing through live flesh. mtv will eat this up.
~ spatulaman: baked goods never sounded so alternative.
- Pot n Pan Man: wears a pot on his head and pounds it with a pan! Too bad Headbanger's Ball isn't on any more, with the banging and the clanging and the hey it hurts me.
- Club Man: pursues the MTV veejays with a metal pipe. Not really very musical, but something's gotta be done about those goddamn veejays.
- Take your favorite CD and smash it to bits. Doesn't feel good, does it? Ask yourself why you did that. Good question, huh? Life is mysterious.
- Try to convince everyone you're turning into a tree. I'll give you $10 if you can pull it off, because even I don't think it'll work.
- When you're playing Mad Libs, for every noun say "rock". Every verb, say "rock". Every adjective say "hard" or "rock-like". At first this is funny, but soon it gets infuriating, and that's what you really want.
- If you MUST watch MTV, tke a hit of acid every time: • Kennedy pretends to be attractive. • Tabitha Soren pretends to be smart. • Kurt Loder pretends to be charismatic. • Someone on "The Real World" pretends to be real. By now you should be dead, which is what you get for watching MTV.
- If, by some miracle you are still alive, shoot up a syringe full of pure heroin every time: •Gavin Rossdale (of Bush) whines the same fucking word or phrase over and over and over and over at the end of a song. "Comedown" alone should OD you. •Gwen Stefani (No Doubt) pretends to be someone she's not. •A punk band (I.E. Bad Religion, Face to Face, Social D, Rancid) puts out a slow, boring video in order to further sell out. •Someone mentions Kurt Cobain, Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl, or Nirvana. •An African-American rapper complains about how prevalent racial stereotypes are in today's society, then sings a song about beating women or killing cops. •Courtney Love looks like she needs a shower. •311 tries to be Rage Against The Machine, except gay and weak. •Marilyn Manson tries to scare you. •Alanis Morrissette wears leather pants. (Note: the video for "Thank You" made this author very grateful for the old leather pants.) •Someone says "punk" or "ska" in reference to a band that is neither punk nor ska. If you're not dead by now, you're God. No, wait... God wouldn't watch MTV... you STILL suck, dammit!
- Remember the one that said to shoot Rush Limbaugh, then kick him? Well, I NEVER SAID TO STOP!!!!!
- Become best friends with H. Ross Perot. Now, sell the paranoid little bastard out.
- Introduce yourself as a primitive caveman named Gronk. "I Gronk" is a good thing to say.
- Every time you see some guy/girl who's just TOO DAMN COOL for the rest of us, humiliate him/her somehow. Peg him with some beer. Spill something red in her lap. Or maybe you should just beat the shit out of them. I dunno, this one's not that funny.
- If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, set it free again. Keep setting it free, over and over again, until you go mad with self-denial and set fire to yourself. If it doesn't come back, track it down and kill it.
- Drape yourself entirely in string (clothes on underneath is optional). Walk down the street. If anyone actually makes eye contact with you, say "Hey, I'm String Man," and keep walking. Or maybe offer them some string.
- Never be afraid to fight dirty. Hair pulls, eye pokes, groin stuff, whatever you gotta do.
- While you're tracking down and killing the one you love, track down and kill Barry Manilow, too, because he just sucks and you're already up.
- Remember: chemical reactions can be manipulated to serve any purpose.
- Also remember: no matter who you are or what you've done, your gun still loves you.
- Do something you haven't done in a long time: Shit your pants.
- Sometimes I just wanna throw myself in front of a train, then put the pieces of myself in a duffel bag and throw myself in a river. I keep trying, but I can never seem to get past the train part.
- Next time they show one of those fucking Old Navy commercials with the dog and the old crusty woman, clamp your hand over your ears, shut your eyes tight, and shriek "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP!!!" Foam, spit, go crazy until the nightmare goes away. Hopefully Old Navy will get the message if enough people do this.
- Write a play. Cast all of your friends except one as the bad guys. Makew all their charcteristics just like your real friends, except more scummy (if this is possible... shit, I don't know what kind of friends you have...). Rename them. Show it to your friends later; see if they can recognize themselves. John is doing this.
- Whenever a teacher loses your shit and blames you, kill her. Teachers should keep up with stuff, that's why they're the teachers, and no one's a-gonna change my dad-blamed mind about it, y'hear?
- Try to convince someone that their house is haunted. Extra points if they call a parasychologist.
- Here are all the famous TV Barneys I can think of: 1. Barney Gumble from The Simpsons 2. Barney Rubble from The Flintstones 3. Barney Fife from The Andy Griffith Show 4. Barney the Fucking Purple Dinosaur
- Who the hell is Tammy Stalls, anyway? You never see her around.
- Celebrate Hanukkah. Jews are the only white people who can grow afros.
- (Houston residents only) Bored? Here's two simple steps to hilarity. 1. Turn on KTRU any time of the day. 2. Really, a second step isn't neccessary.
- Why do people feel the need to be different in large groups? Why is it all the "rebels" only hang around other "rebels" who are all different in exactly the same way (I.E. Goths, punks, alterna-hippes etc.)? You wanna be different? Tattoo a penis on your forehead.
- Make fun of things you don't understand. Eventually, you will become as simple-minded as everyone else, and then you will be accepted.
- Right in the middle of class, start yelling "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!" When the teacher asks what the hell you are doing, say, "You triggered my bullshit detector."
- Mount a harpoon and PA system on top of your car and DEMAND the goddamn right of way.
- When you've made this addition to your car, harpoon everyone you see singing about "Christmas Cheer". This time of year SUCKS, and anyone who disagrees is under 12, stupid, or in denial.
- No, Marilyn Manson is NOT Paul from the Wonder Years. He's Roscoe from The Dukes of Hazzard. No, wait, he's Willie from ALF. No! I've got it! He's Link from The Mod Squad!
- Did you know that Benicio Del Toro ("Fenster" from "The Usual Suspects") was originally going to play Mr. X on the X-Files? Yup, but there was a scheduling clash between the shooting of "Usual Suspects" and Mr. X's debut, so they replaced Del Toro with Steven Williams. Bet you didn't know that, huh? Probably because it's not true.
- But here's something that IS true: bug guts would make an awesome glue. Think about how well those little bastards stick to the grill! Of your car, I mean.
- Every time one of your friends (or all of them... the bastards) start acting funny around you and you don't know why, just up and yell, "Hey, what the fuck's your problem?" Or maybe just pop 'em one. GOD, I wish I had the balls to do this.
- Ever been ostracized by your friends? Ever had all your friends, for no reason at all, decide you're a FAT WORTHLESS BASTARD WHO DOESN'T DESERVE THE PLEASURE OF THEIR COMPANY? FUCK THAT! FUCK IT! DO SOMETHING VIOLENT!! FUCKING KILL THEM!!! KILL KILL KILL!!!!!!
- Ahh, Prozac. 500 CCs of that and I like the fuckers again. 8^)
- Remake the old Monkee's movie "Head". Make it so it's real successful and makes lots of money. Make another movie with the same director and producer you used for "Head". The second movie can be about anything, but here's the point: in the preview for the second movie, you can say, "From the people who gave you 'Head'." Gave you head. Get it? Ha ha.
- Stay up for three days straight, your mind plays some really neat tricks on you.
been here for years, living in a dream
those who live here with me know exactly what I mean
