- Always say "In my humble opinion" before everything. It makes you sound wise. Yes it does. Examples: 1) "In my humble opinion, a flat tax would make tax returns easier, but would cause the deficit to fluctuate." 2) "In my humble opinion, Oswald did not act alone." 3) "In my humble opinion, you suck."
- While at a job interview, ask your interviewer for a Kleenex brand nasal tissue. When they give you one, thank them and put it in your pocket. Do this every two minutes. My god... just IMAGINE this.
- Go to your local Stop 'n' Go (or nearest Kwik E Mart-ish establishment). Put a sign up in the front window with a cute cartoon cigarette on it that says "HEY KIDS! This store sells cigarettes to MINORS!" Step back and wait five minutes... someone's gonna be payin' some fines.
- No more housewives, Days of Our Lives, television, Disneyland, basketball, or stars and stripes!
- Find a semi-obscure song lyric. Laugh at the fools who flood your guestbook with questions asking what the hell song it's from. Be condesceding to those who don't know, even though there is very little chance they have ever heard it. (See previous entry for further clarification.)
- During WWII, a soldier from my grandfather's company was walking through the forest in full soldier gear. He wore a long band of grenades and bullets, his sidearm, and some survival equipment. He was walking along, heading back to the base, when a tree limb snagged the pin on one of his grenades. Back at the base, six explosions rang out from the hill about a half-mile away. Fearing a Nazi raid or Nazi sympathist bombing, my grandfather and his brigade went out full tilt and fully armed to see what had happened. In the middle of a huge, smoking clearing, they found part of the soldier's pistol, his dog tags hung up in a tree, a few scraps of clothing, teeth, and bone, and, hung way up in another tree, one of his boots, with his foot still inside. Now, I know that technically, this isn't a "Thing To Do", but, as is often the case in situations such as this, I don't care.
- Rip apart all fornicating lovebugs you happen across. Say, "Speaker Newt says public fornication is evil." If anyone argues, start to look like a frightened animal and shout "NO NO Speaker Newt says that's a hippie LIE!" Whimper.
Draw this. Win Nothing.
- Next time you see someone with big, hairsprayed, beehive, hick-ass hair, see how many spitballs you can toss into it before the hair owner notices. My personal record is 26, but I ran out of paper.
- Form a band. Sound like Soundgarden. Call yourselves "Days of the New". Suck.
- Remember: for every friend you make, you have to lose one.
~ draw a dot on a page, make it bigger and bigger until it starts to cover the entire page. lose all control.
~ did you know that they might put up signs in convicted sex offenders' lawns that say "a child molester lives here" or words to that effect? i'm serious. i say, put these up everywhere, warning people of every scummy characteristic of mankind. "this guy has bad breath." "a liar lives in this house." "this family returns movies unrewound." "this woman drives like she's 98 and blind."
~ remember those "hygiene" videos they made us watch in 5th grade? where they seperated the boys and the girls? didn't you wonder what the other video was about? if you're ever in 5th grade again, find some way to get ahold of the "other" video and watch it with your friends. Hell, get ahold of it even if you're in 12th grade. there has to be some long-kept secret about the opposite sex that they're not telling us. why else would they split us up?
~ the next time you trip and fall in public, try and bring someone down with you. extra points if this someone is a stranger.
~ tell one pretty harmless lie every day. try not to get found out.
EXAMPLES: ¤ i don't masturbate. yup, never have
¤ i'll pay you back.
¤ i'll call you.
¤ yeah, i've seen that movie... yeah, that was my favorite part, too.
¤ i'll break your fall.
¤ i'm holding the ladder.
¤ i put your name on the report too.
¤ i didn't forget your birthday, i got this pen for you.
¤ it's okay no one can really see it, you don't have to change pants.
¤ i'm gay.
~ next time some big-shot with a new, fast, expensive, red sports car is showing it off, speeding around the neighborhood in circles, don't hesitate to throw many large, heavy, dent-inducing objects at him. even if he's not in the car at the time.
~
~ when someone is expecting something of you, be sure to let them down at least once.
~ spit a lot. on the floor. everywhere. even in your own room. well, maybe not in your own room. in your own living room. spit at people. saliva in the face causes a big reaction, so watch out.
~ all those people that you gave bananas to for saying the magic word of the day: go find them a few weeks later and say, "okay, i want that banana back now."
- Is there a disability that makes one unable to stop typing the word "bananana" once you have started? I think there is. Bananananananananana. God, what merry hijinx.
- Develop Tourette's Syndrome. Run for office. I'll vote for you.
- Select a small, dirtbag European nation with a name like "East Kyrgzyrgystan" or "Bahklavia". Develop a hatred for it for no reason at all. Rag on it constantly. Say things like, "Bahklavia couldn't hold its own, militarily, against the UCLA Pep Squad." Get really pissed off. Get all of your friends and their friends and their friends' friends together and declare war on the country. Go over there and just start beating up people.
- After you become Rude Boy/Girl and beat up the skinheads, go to an oi show and start skanking. You're not scared, are you, Rude Boy?
DISCLAIMER: I realize that some of the things I say on this site may be offensive to some, inflammatory to others. Opinions contributed belong only to myself and the little dwarves who come out of my closet at night and poke me in the belly and go, "Wooooooooo!!!" . Those with counter-arguments and/or differing opinions are invited to get their own fucking page.
- Provoke some friends into a SuperSoaker fight, except fill yours with vinegar.
- Write a petition to reinstate stoning as a form of capital punishment. Stage and edit an elaborate video to send in with the petition. It should include: 1) a serial-rapist-child-molesting-liberal-criminal-tax-evader brutally murders several people while wearing a pro-Communism T-shirt and urinating on the American flag. 2) The Good Guy Republican Task Force catch him and bring him to justice. 3) He gets the chair and laughs as he dies, shouting, "What a pitiful, merciful device! My colleagues will not be intimidated by this!" 4) Crime runs amok as the entire world is reduced to a state of utter anarchy. 5) The Good Guy Republicans track down the leader, another Liberal super-criminal, and stone him. 6) The very next day, newspaper headlines report that there is no longer crime anywhere in the entire universe. George Washington, King Arthur, and Jesus Christ all congratulate the Republicans for a job well done.
- This here's bright yellow.
- Convince a friend that when her name is called at graduation, you will blow on a kazoo for her as a way of cheering. Then when the time comes, stand up and shout, "DID YOU REALLY THINK I WAS GONNA BLOW A KAZOO?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Keep laughing as she makes her long, miserable way across the stage.
- Once every seven years, disappear without a trace for a week. Reappear with burnt hair and ripped clothes. Say nothing. What? You did this? No one noticed? Holy jeez... kill yourself.
- Every five minutes, turn to the person next to you and threaten, "Don't make me have to get the belt!"
- Get a water balloon. Fill it with syrup. Nail someone you hate with it.
- (Another one from our friend and perennial hero, Paul) If you're tired with your situation, imagine the same thing, but with 10,000 pounds strapped to your balls. You'll feel better.
- Whenever someone asks you a question, repond with something unneccessary and confrontational. Examples: † Q: "Where are you going?" A: "I'm GOING to KICK YOUR ASS!" † Q: "What's up?" A: "FUCK YOU!" † Q: "Are you okay?" A: "YOU'RE A BITCH!" † Q: "Who was the seventh president of the United States?" A: "YOUR MOM!"
- Every day, in a class you hate, throw away one of your teacher's supplies. An eraser, a piece of chalk, a marker; it all adds up. (Note: John and his friend Chris [not his brother] did this to one of their math teachers... by the end of the semester we had her using a dry erase marker that barely worked on an overhead that worked even less well. Subversive rebellion: use it.)
- Try to orchestrate a walk-out. It won't work, but still.
- Throw frozen pizzas on someone's old-fashioned satellite dish on a hot day. They'll melt to it and royally fuck it up. Imagine how strange this would be if it happened to you. "Hey, Mom, someone melted pizzas on the satellite dish." Weird.
- Try to make everyone's day a little more surreal. When someone calls you, demand to "speak with their leader".
- When a principal tells you to tuck in your shirt, take it off and stick it in your pants. Or in theirs.
- When someone asks you a question to which you don't know the answer, reply, "33". When they say you've given the wrong answer, say, "No, you just asked the wrong question." Then, while they are confused, kick 'em in the head.
