All of John's entries are properly capitalized and punctuated and are preceded with a dash (-). julie's entries are written with no caps whatsoever and are preceded with one of those squiggly things (~).
HI! NICE TO SEE YA!
~ spend 46 hours a day at denny's. invite all your friends. do lots of hallucinogenics and act superior. scare away as many legitimate customers as possible.
-Leave a nicely gift-wrapped box somewhere fairly obvious. In the box, place, along with a note: a lightbulb. Your note should read, "This is a gift from me to you. Please leave me an equally useless gift and hide it at (some place in the park no one else will go). Thank you taking part in this random silliness initiative." If whoever recieves the gift leaves you another one, track them down and marry this person immediately.
- When someone shakes your hand, don't let go until they start to look very uncomfortable. Then squeeze it seductively and let go.
- Write something nonsensical on a piece of paper, like "!Dios Mio! El Hefes!" or "Look, but don't read." Make 100 copies at Kinkos. Wait for a windy day and throw all 100 copies to the wind. Try not to get arrested.
- When you are celebrating something and someone asks you what you are celebrating, say, "Today is the 8th anniversary of the day the voices went away."
- Ask to bum a cigarette from someone. When they're not looking, clean your ear with the filter and put it back in the box. Extract another to keep the illusion going. Deny everything.
- If you really hate someone, keep a running list of ways to kill them. Be creative. Add to it daily. (I ripped this one off from "Life's Little Destruction Book"... but I was just getting started and needed some inspiration. Besides, it helps.)
- Learn to play the guitar. I see some of you are already way ahead of me... good for you. Now, get booked at the school talent show. Pick the biggest bitch/asshole in the whole school, and dedicate Screeching Weasel's "Nobody Likes You" to them in front of the whole school. It's a rare punk song with no swearing, so hapless administrators can do nothing to stop you!! Ha ha haaaa!!
- (from "Nellie", a chick who used to live in an Austin co-op where my brother used to reside) Suspend yourself from a pulley by the hair of a cock ring and watch yourself waver through the tangents of my forceps. (She really wrote that.)
- Eat a lot of Mexican, Soul, or Fast food. Taco Bell is good. Go to a punk rock show. Pick the biggest, dumbest dick who's idea of moshing is elbowing people in the face. Stand right next to him for the whole show and fart all you can.
~ call into the KTRU ska show and request songs by the Carpenters. call incessantly. call until they give in and play one, or change the phone number. then listen to the crap when they play it and smile with the satisfaction that you have the power to annoy every rude boy who's listening to the show at that moment. that's maybe five or six people, but bask in the warmth while it's there.
~ beat the shit out of the guy who's standing next to you passing gas at the punk show. then, eat his flesh.
~ read a bible verse every day when you wake up in the morning. repeat the verse to every human or dog who pays attention to you. say you are on a mission to eradicate satan's little helpers roaming the earth posing as productive citizens. instruct everyone to memorize and repeat your verse. if they refuse or laugh at you, tell them that god was going to personally forgive them for all their sins, but it's too late now. create as much shame as possible.
~ listen to college radio and think of stupid things to do all night. sleep in school and complain a lot. try to torment an assisstant principal somewhere in the process.
~ during a pep rally, run up to the mic and scream "futon". scream "futon" repeatedly until you are removed by force.
~ write an angry letter to the editor. use every expletive in your vocabulary. pick a fun subject like welfare or female circumcision. warning: if you do this, or the futon one, i may kiss you.
~ if you need lunch money, go around telling people you will save their seats for 25 cents. freshmen are easy targets. you will never see these people again, and if you do, only the really scummy ones will go to the trouble of hurting you for scamming a quarter.
~ when your best friend is talking to you, sniff him/her discretely. When he/she says "What?" say "Oh, nothing..." Watch as the paranoia grows.
~ draw a comic book with characters that parallel the people in your life. have all those things that you wanted to happen to them (but couldn't because of legal or reality barriers) occur in the comic book. distribute copies among them and see if anyone recognizes him/herself and asks you if you really desire to cut off his appendages and replace them with pineapples of various sizes.
~ go to a grocery store. unscrew all the lids on the peanut butter jars. roll the lids down the aisle and try to start a game- a variation of "Kickball" called "Kicklid". repeat with as many condiments as possible. when the manager throws you and your accomplices out, plead insanity or mental retardation. drool a lot.
~ find some napalm. use your imagination, and have fun. (think: cats)
~ go to a small mall or restaurant (Note from John: Once again, Denny's could come into play here). cover all the car door handles in the parking lot with vaseline. go inside and sell latex gloves for $3. tell everyone that latex gloves have many beneficial uses. laugh at the fools who do not heed your advice.
~ call up numbers in the phone book at random. if you get an answering machine, mumble incomprehensively, then say "choad muffins" and hang up. if you get a real live person, say "choad muffins" and THEN mumble incomprehensively. don't forget to hang up.
~ if you ever come across a big sack of day-old bagels in front of a bagel shop in Austin, toss the bagels at every badass that walks by, and point to someone across the street when the badass glares at you. this may not be a smart thing to do.
~ bake a batch of hash brownies (Note to the uneducated: brownies with a little extra hashish baked into them) and feed them to small animals. submit this as a science fair project. this would make a cool film, but Warhol's probably already done it.
~ tie everyone you know named justin nava to a flag pole or another long, metal, immobile object. see if anyone liberates him. toss day-old bagels at his face and gauge his reaction. again, this is a possible science fair project. you could use a sack of flour or an inflatable doll as the control.
~ on halloween, pass out little pieces of paper with philosophical statments on them such as "if satan is god's enemy, and america is a land of god, then why do good, decent american children such as yourself participate in this wicked holiday, trading pieces of your soul away for mere candy?" but this may be going too far.
~ take free stuff from fast food restaurants daily: napkins, straws, ketchup, salt, etc. horde them in your house. when you've accumulated enough, repackage them and sell them back to the restaurants. use the money you make from this scheme to finance a communist coup.
