The Second Ten Pages
~ carry a useless item like a happy meal toy with you wherever you go. when you see someone you are attracted to, but don't know and will probably never meet, console yourself with your toy. it will never reject you or ridicule you in public. and hey, who needs people when you can amuse yourself with cheap plastic? good old reliable plastic.
~ whenever someone calls your house with the wrong number, say "you want to talk to steve? oh, well, i'm sorry, steve was comitted... yeah, the doctors said it would be best if no one heard about it, so keep it to yourself."
- Never let a day go by without comitting a harmless but conspicuous act of violence. Kick over a chair, throw a book across the room. Be creative!
- When you're really, really mad, don't hesitate to destroy something that's not yours.
- Red-green color blind? Then you can't fuckin' read this!
- The next time you're walking by a total stranger and you think to yourself, "I wonder what how my life would change if I just knocked this person the hell out," really do it. Knock him/her out.
- Next time you're in Krogers, grab a loaf of bread. SQUEEEEZE. Put it back. You know you want to.
- When some dipshit asks, "Yo, dog, you wants ta fight/squab/go?" Say, "No, I'm kinda non-violent. It was the way I was raised. See, my dad always-" and suddenly break his nose. He'll never see it coming.
- When you're walking someplace and it's crowded, fall over. Do not move until you hear people crying and/or sirens.
- Choose a silent moment in your least favorite class to stand up and say, "This is a big, fat waste of my time!" When you are punished, cynically grumble, "Oh, sure, kill the messenger."
- Play mind games. Vicious ones. With everyone. Except me.
- If you ever have to have a limb amputated, ask to keep it. Carry the rotting, stinking thing around with you until all the flesh has decomposed. Beat someone soundly with the bone.
- Try to convince someone you're an alien. Keep it up as long as you have to. Nich did this in 7th grade... and people honestly believed him. He was good.
- Keep pointing out inconsequential faults to everyone, such as "Y'know, your nose is weird" or, "Your handwriting really sucks." See how long it takes to break them.
- Find a metal pipe. Good. Now find someone you hate. Knock him/her over. Hit him or her nine times. Look up at the horrified crowd and grin. Hit the person six more times. Prop him/her against the wall and just leave. Or don't.
- If you ever go hunting for fun, occasionally shoot yourself in the foot to remind yourself what a sick, twisted bastard you are.
- A good way to make girls mad: come up behind them and kick 'em real hard in the ass. Note: guys don't like this either.
- Make a doll resembling your best friend. Burn it in effigy. Assure your friend it's simply a joke. Gauge how long you remain friends after this.
- Who the hell said you could highlight this, asshole?!
- Make a little jingle that everyone likes, such as "The Penis Song" or "Spaghetti". Repeat it constantly until everyone hates it.
Repeatable Jingles
- The next time someone tells you that the world will end soon, point at them and laugh. Sigh with mirth, then wipe away a tear. Nod and agree with them.
- Go to a haunted house. Wait until a "monster" jumps out at you and hit him in the face. Immediately apologize, saying he scared you. Help him up. Hit him again. Say, "That time you deserved it."
- Pop every balloon you see. Including hot air balloons.
- Here's a fun scheme for you and a friend: next time you're both on the plane, tap your friend on the shoulder and point to the wing. Your friend should then whisper something frantically to you, at which point you blurt out, "Tell the stewardess? What the hell's she gonna do, go out on the wing and fix it herself?!" This scares the piss out of eavesdroppers!
- Carry a fountain pen and poke holes in everything you can. If harassed or threatened with charges, say it's art since you're doing it with a pen. Try to get the NEA to fund you.
- Why in the hell does Crayola still carry the color "indian red"? How come there's no "negro brown", "asian yellow", or "hispanic tan"? Speak out, minorities! Demand your own racist crayon!
~ go to an AA meeting. spike the punch.
~ learn many cusswords in obscure languages like romanian or whatever it is they speak in madagascar. whenever you feel the need to be obscene, use the foreign expletives, but in a very calm voice, so no one knows you are cussing. this is a good way to dupe administrators.
~ think of someone you are indifferent towards. accuse him of witchcraft in public. write threatening letters to him condemning his sorcery. do this anonymously. organize a lynch mob to drive him out of town. eventually, the indifference will turn into pure, malicious hatred.
~ if you have an afternoon to kill, go to a shoestore and try on every pair of shoes that they carry in your size. then buy a fifty cent shoe cloth and leave.
~ if it's still daylight, go to every fast food restaurant with a drive-thru window. ask if they charge for water. if they don't, order water, take it, and leave. if they do, say you want a cup with nothing in it. if they try to charge you, threaten to sue or to pull out your AK-47 and massacre the joint. see how many different cups you can get. (this is something the normans and i wanted to do, but never got around to doing.)
- if you are ever mad at a female friend, get a home-pregnancy test and plant it in an obscure yet accessible place, say her parent's room or the living room mantle. you can do this to your male friends too, but i don't think it will have quite the same effect.
- on one lane roads, drive VERY slowly. if people start trying to pass you up, lay on the horn. if they give you the finger, shoot it. if you miss and hit them in the head, just keep driving... VERY slowly. think of all the accidents you are preventing by forcing people to drive VERY slowly. you can make a difference.
~ join as many fan clubs as you can.
~ when you're in a group of strangers, say, in a waiting room, make animal noises under your breath every five minutes or so. glare at the person sitting beside you as if he were the one doing it. make the noises progressilvely louder. this may not produce the desired effect if you are waiting in your psychiatrist's office.
~ go to a bank. withdraw a large amount of money, depending on how much you have in savings. demand nickels (or pennies, if you feel especially wicked). after the teller is done counting it out, say you were just kidding. run.
~ dress up as a giant hypodermic needle. loiter by the big fork and spoon in the baybrook mall food court as if they were paying you. instead of hugging and scaring little children, hug and scare their parents. try not to poke anyone. (Note from John: No, you should definitely poke them.)
negating everything we do, the city drizzles shit
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