"With the birds chirping mellifluously and the sun sharing her warmth generously while the sky cloaked the earth in brilliant blue, in a storybook-like castle by a crystal-clear brook, deep in the emerald green forest, Sir Reginald discovered blood in his stool."
- When someone brings you an excess of knives, stick them in everything you possibly can. Food, walls, friends, etc. Then ask the person to bring you one more knife. Say all the others are "in use".
- Try and make people cry.
(by International sports star and walking paradigm Kerrick) Whenever they master cloning, have yourself cloned. Get a sex change for your clone, and then proceed to copulate madly with yourself. I don't think this is oficially masturbation. You'll also know every person they've been with and hey, no risk for pregnancy. You will also be able to see your own cack.
- In order to protest the fact that Clear Brook High School (yes that's right, CBHS, Friendswood Texas... no, I don't need a lawyer) sucks big fat Hootie head, here's what we should do: dress one guy like a prison guard and six other students in prison jumpsuits that say "Clear Brook Detention Facility and Center for Abject Oppression". Have the false cop lead the "prisoners" through the commons in the morning. This would make a pretty neat statement... mainly, "This school sucks big, fat Hootie head."
~ catholics are forbidden to use birth control so it would be quite in character for the pope to refuse his hat to godzilla. it's okay, though, it was still funny.
~ actually, the only form of birth control approved of by the catholic church is coitus interruptus or, for those of you unfamiliar with high speech, pulling out. my bio 2 book says the only drawbacks for this method are frustration and sometimes ineffectivesness. no joke.
~ the next time an orthodox catholic offers you sex, politely decline.
~ whenever you think of a funny thing-to-do while intoxicated, write it down on whatever is available: bar napkins, rolling papers, your girlfriend's skin. you WON'T be able to remember it later.
~ i see this same girl every day. she kind of looks like author, herbalist, and ultra-conservative pundit Jamie Galeaz. wears glasses and the same striped turtleneck sweater every day. she stares at me a lot. if you see her, give her a good shove and say, "stay away from julie. we're on to you." i think the enquirer has paid her to spy on me and write fictitious accounts of my lurid daily activities.
~ spike grocery store mushrooms with lsd.
~ tip vending machines over to get free food and drinks. it will not cause serious injury or death.
- When voting for cheerleaders, vote for all the shitty, ugly ones who can't dance.
- If you go hunting squirrels, you might as well use a powerful double-barreled shotgun, because squirrel meat is nasty, and if you're one of those hunters who just hunts to see the animal fall, then I know you've probably just been looking for an excuse to vaporize some squirrels, you psychotic fuck.
- I think doing drugs in high school might have actually done Rush Limbaugh some good.
- If I call someone else a sick bastard, but I was born out of wedlock and start puking all over the place, what does that make me?
- Hey. Sometimes condoms break. Deal with it, missy!
- A few pages ago, Julie claimed she was a goddess. I know we all laughed, but what if she's right? Better start kissing ass now.
- Julie, you're wonderful.
- No, really. You're the best.
- When you're in a boring class and the sub turns up the heat, sweat from absolutely every orifice and waft the fumes in her direction. See if you can make her pass out or cry.
- Crime pays.
- No matter how well they do, always tell people they have failed.
- Don't EVER say to anyone, "Hey, you got your hair cut!" Yes, they know that, you fucking moron.
- Buy everyone named Chris Stevens shirts that say "I sold out... and I couldn't be more goddamned proud!" Buy him 7, so he'll never run out. I sincerely think he would appreciate this. Tell him you got the idea from Julie.
- Make an announcement over your local high school's closed-circuit TV system... you know, like they have in prisons. Fart repeatedly and loudly. Don't worry about getting in trouble, your peers and teachers will consider this highbrow humor.
- Put needles in bananas. Razors in apples is passé.
- Your new assignment, folks: think of a good "Thing To Do" with explosives. Hell, think of a few.
~ i want you all to know you have crushed my self- esteem. i hate you and want to kill myself.
- Kill yourself? You just want to be like Kurt Cobain.
~ the next time the doctor says you need surgery, say, "i'm not going to buy your capitalist lies with my health. bastard." walk out of the office and take care of it yourself with a pair of scissors and a few cherry bombs.
~ talk to cars as you walk through the parking lot. if they give you any lip, threaten to drive them to mexico. it works every time.
- Good news, folks! As of a few weeks ago, Crayola recalled the "indian red" color! Mission accomplished! (Note: this color is still "indian red", according to the Geocities toolkit.)
~ if i ever end up in jail, i expect one of you to bake me a cake with a file in it. or better yet, with a few grenades and an ak-47. make it angel food with kiwi slices on top. thank you.
~ name your kids after popular tv sitcom characters. when they're old enough, make them act out episodes at gunpoint. charge admission.
~ the next time you see roadkill while driving, try to stop on it. then smear it around on the concrete. write your name, or a snide remark, or draw your favorite cartoon hero in squirrel guts, depending on your maneuvering skills.
~ when you go on these long, sexually frustrating band trips, coerce people into giving you oral sex. while you're at it, steal a few credit cards and spend, spend, spend, like it's your last day in the free commercial world. the rewards far outweigh the consequences.
~ don't ever say to anyone, "hey, you lost your virginity." they know that, fucking moron. unless he/she was unconscious at the time... then you should probably let him/her know.
- That's not funny, Julie.
~ the truth hurts, doesn't it, john?
~ go to Number's, then let me laugh at you and put explosives up your orifice of choice.
~ really, you get to choose!
~ even the really small ones.
~ the next time you go to a contemporary art exhibit that is just a bunch of colored squares or spilled paint on canvases, or is some "concept" art that is just a bunch or trash arranged under nice lighting, frame some old Archie® comics and hang them in the gallery. i guarantee they will sell for at least $5,000,000.
~ never miss an episode of the simpsons. it is the closest thing to pure genius that will ever come within 20 miles of broadcast television. and you wouldn't believe how funny it is when you're stoned.
~ stupid questions you must never ask, especially not me.
• am i doing it right?
• do you think i'm pretty?
• what's a head shop?
• are you going to prom?
• are you bisexual?
• what's your gpa?
• what did you get on your sat's?
• can i drive your car?
• do you have a penis?
• can i see it?
• can i touch it?
• have you been to (any dance club)?
• what does it smell like?
• what's your class rank?
• do i smell like pot?
• can i borrow (any denomination of money over 50 cents)?
• how big is it?
• can i photograph your genitals?
• can i copulate with you during 1st period?
• is your real name tammy stalls?
• can you explain these long-running folder jokes to me?
• you, me, boingy boingy?
¤ (these are statements, but they're still dumb.) you have a run in your stockings.
¤ you have a pick in your afro.
• why do you carry around that lunchbox?
• why are you wearing bowling shoes?
• are you korean?
• what does skank mean?
¤ your nipples are showing.
• can you bend over slowly and pick up my pencil for me?
• are you alternative or something?
• are you going to tuck in that shirt, young lady?
• what are you thinking about?
• isn't that illegal in this state?
• where do babies come from?
• why aren't you fat?
• are you japanese?
• what's that squealing noise coming from the other room?
• do you know any venezuelans? good, i fucking hate those bastards. all they do it sell cocaine and rape children.
~ whenever you see little girls playing with dolls, twist their heads off. this will prepare them for the daily disillusionment of the adult world.
~ or you could twist their dolls' heads off. your choice.
~ keep a running list of really bad potential band names. no, wait. i think cock-rock of the 80's took care of this one for us.
~ if you wear a tight belt, and every day tighten it another notch, you'll eventually have an 18 inch waist and dislodge 2 pairs of ribs. this is the only way you can get the attention of the young gentlemen who are ready for a-courtin'.
~ when you see republicans, try not to laugh or point and stare. they can't help it; it's a genetic mutation.
~ use acupuncture to cure all illnesses, even open wounds.
~ write small. it conserves paper and people don't mistake you for a second grader. this means you.
~ if you ever meet someone who believes supply-side economics actually works, go ahead and shoot him. he'll only bring about stupid and/or ugly children.
- Julie, we should make a suicide pact. You shoot yourself, then I shoot myself. No really, I will, I promise. Go ahead.
- If you see any Venezuelans, tell them you'll "visit them in jail".
- You know, I used to think Johnny Rotten was cool for being so up front about his selling out... but now I just think he's an out-and-out whore.
- I just think Julie's afraid to answer those questions. Afraid.
- (by aphrodisiac tester and lead singer for the Rockin' Oswalds [pictured above] Kerrick) When a little boy asks you where babies come from, just tell him the truth. Don't tell him a big bird with a nutsack for a chin dropped him down the chimney. That's kind of cool, but it's only the half truth. Tell him he came from the area above the cack called the vagina. If he asks what a vagina is, tell him he can find out later when he gets one. Make sure he knows to get ANOTHER PERSON'S vagina, preferably a girl's, and NOT to make his own. I just wanted to make that last part clear. I am NOT promoting sex changes, unless, of course, you're a clone.
- Keep changing the subject. Why? Because no one will ever truly understand you.
- By God, you're just a highlightin' fool, aintcha?
- Try not to write like a goddamn dwarf.
- "You, me, boingy boingy"?!
- It's funny; all those freshmen dirtheads you see walking around (the ones with a picture of Kurt Cobain and the years he lived on their shirts) are actually walking stereotypes. I mean, they're practically interchangable. I'm going to interview a couple of them just to prove my point.
- Select an absolutely gorgeous young lady. Stalk her. Joey is doing this. I think Julie is too, but honestly, I don't wanna hear about it.
- Try to get posessed by the devil. Make him leave after you projectile vomit for about the 3rd or 4th time, though, cuz I hear things get pretty weird after that.
- Count the number of times the word "Venezuelan" has been used on these pages. Also, count how many times it has been misspelled.
