Life is made up of choices. Everything you do in life is a choice. Right or wrong, good or bad, black or white, safe or dangerous. There are all choices we make. To wake up in the morning, to get dressed, to drink coffee or tea. Some are trivial choices that don't seem to make much of a difference. Some choices though will change everything about your life. Some you will regret and others you will rejoice over. Little things, big things, thing you don't realize you've chosen between are the things that make up the life you live.
When I was fourteen I made a choice that set off a chain reaction of choices. Choices that changed the rest of my life. Choices that gave me joy and made me cry all in the same heartbeat.
My name is Hunter Deveraux and I'm a twenty-seven-year-old mother to my twelve-year-old son Colt.
He was the end result of the choice I made at fourteen. The boy who fathered him left me, my friends turned their backs on me, and my family threw me out. My entire life fell apart then. I had no one but the life I carried inside of me. The life of a child when I was still a child myself. For all the pain and heartache I suffered to love my son I never once regretted that choice.
I didn't regret it going from shelter to shelter pregnant when my parents disowned me. I didn't regret if working and going to school and paying for a baby-sitter for years. I didn't regret it after a thousand nights alone in my bed. I couldn't regret it because I loved him heart and soul, body and mind. My son was my life. I would go through it alone again and again if it meant I could love him again and again.
The first thing I realized my first night on the street was this. No matter what you do in life, no matter how many mistakes you make or how much you hurt someone, if they really and truly love you they will forgive you. That was how strong love was. When I was three months pregnant I realized that. Love could conquer all if you really wanted it to. It couldn't save the world, couldn't solve all your problems, couldn't forgive a thousand wrongs unless it was true love. True enough to stand the test of heartache, time, and betrayal. Love will stand beside you in the rain, lie beside you in the cold, and hold your hand in the wind. Love will catch you when you fall, lead you in the dark, and follow you into the light. Love will never fade if you believe in it. I learned to believe in it as my child's life grew within in.
"Mom!"
The yell echoed through the house followed by the pounding of a certain twelve-year-old's feet. When he appeared in the doorway of my office a moment later my heart skipped a beat like it did every time I saw him.
Already almost six feet tall, my son has his father's height and soft brown hair as dark as mine was fair. He had my bright blue eyes and quiet smile but every other expression he wore was that of a man who had walked out of his life before it had really begun. Thirteen years later I still wondered how anyone could walk away from a boy so amazing as Colt.
"Mom, you're never going to believe what I just found out," he exclaimed, coming in and sitting on the edge of my desk.
"Hey handsome. What's up?" I asked, watching the way he pushed his hand through his dark hair to pull it back from his face. That was something he got from me, I thought with a smile.
"I just heard it on the radio. Mom, this is great. I can't believe it," he babbled on as only a pre-teen boy can.
"What?" I demanded, laughing.
"The Backstreet Boys are coming to town in two months," he blurted out, grinning.
"Ah ha!"
The Backstreet Boys. Bet you're a little surprised to see a boy excited about a group that became successful off the hormones and ears of young girls. If not then good because they may have started in the hearts of young girls but I soon realized they held the hearts of every sex, race, and age imaginable. I knew everything there was to know about Brian Littrell, Kevin Richardson, Howie Dorough, Nick Carter, and A.J. McLean. It was impossible not to when my son worshiped the ground they walked on. They were his idols, his heroes. They were the men he wanted to be when he grew up. What kind of mother would I be if I tried to discourage that?
Colt had been a fan for nearly three years. When he started listening to the men of BSB I thought it was a phase that he would grow out of. Before I knew it he was saving lunch money for import CDs. I watched him get online and learn everything he could about these five men, he bought magazines, watched interviews on television. He really did admire them. The more he taught me about them the prouder I was that he had found such good role models. The Backstreet Boys were a stand in father of sorts for my child.
He dreamt of meeting them, of telling them how much he loved their music and how he wanted to be them when he grew up. I dreaded it. I didn't want him to know them, to meet them. I know it sounds awful but let me explain. Colt thought they were each perfect, that they could do no wrong in the world. I didn't want him to meet them and find out that they weren't gods, just simple human beings that made mistakes like everyone else. I didn't want him to lose that image that there were a few perfect people in the world. His childhood hadn't been easy. He deserved at least that after all his life had left him without.
I smiled at the boy who made my every day worth living. "So I guess you want to go see them, huh?" I asked.
"Mom!" The word came out as a wail, as if what he were really saying was "Don't tease me like this." I couldn't help but smiled at him as I reached to ruffle his hair. He grinned at me even as he backed away, running his own hand back through it to tame it.
"When do the tickets go on sale?" I asked him, pushing aside a file I was working on.
Oh, I suppose you are wondering what it is I do for a living. After years of struggling through school and a dozen baby-sitters and hours without my son I found a job that would allowed me to never leave him behind again. I'm a photographer for People magazine. See I know you are thinking I must be some hot shot with loads of money that lives in New York, right? Nope, that would not be me. Not to sound conceded or anything but I'm good enough that when People offered me a job they took me on my terms. My home where I raise Colt is in the valleys of the Colorado Rockies. I have a studio in my home and when People wants me they send my subjects to me. I'm one of the best there is. As for the money, well I keep enough for Colt and I to be safe and comfortable. The rest goes into a fund for him. He's going to be a very rich man when he grows up but I'm going to make sure he knows how to handle the wealth when he gets it too.
We live a good live that allows me to give him the things I never got. I love him in a way I've learned my parents never could love me. I've taught him things my family never took the time to teach me. He's an extraordinary kid. I think I've done a damn good job as a single mother. At least I did the best I knew how to do.
"They go on sale this weekend," Colt answered me, smiling. I loved that smile.
"I remember their last tour, Colt. The tickets sold out in less than an hour. Women were camping out for days to get those tickets. You expect me to do that?" I asked him, surprising my own smile. For this one thing, for just the Backstreet Boys I would do that for my son.
"I'll do it if you want me to. You don't have to. I can go wait in line," he offered.
I laughed. "Yeah, right, kiddo. I'm gonna let my twelve-year-old camp out by himself in front of a ticket office. Do I look crazy to you? Better break out the camping gear, Colt. Looks like you and I are spending a night on the pavement this weekend."
"Mom, you're the greatest," he yelled, jumping up to hug me. "I love you," he whispered in my ear.
"I love you too, Colt." I couldn't deny him the one thing that he loved most. I couldn't break his heart over concert tickets. He was a good kid. He deserved this.
Before I got pregnant I was never without anything that I needed or really wanted. My life wasn't amazing but I was fairly happy. I was your typical teenager. I went to school, I had friends, a boyfriend. I was a good kid with parents who loved me as best they could.
My father was a professor at the local community college, my mother a hairdresser. I had no brothers or sisters, no dogs or cats. It was just the three of us. I always thought we were happy. I got good grades, had the right friends, and a boyfriend that adored me. I was a daddy's girl and a mommy's angel. I had my share of screw-ups and my share of bad days. I wasn't perfect by any means no matter what the world thought
When I look back on my life I realize how empty it was. I didn't have a purpose. Sure, I was young. Fourteen isn't the age when you are supposed to know everything. You've got time to figure it all out. What you want out of life, what college you want to go to, what career you want. Those are all things that I could have waited a few years to figure out, I know. What I'm talking about is knowing you belong somewhere in your life. I wasn't Hunter Deveraux, the person. I was Elaine and Gerald Deveraux's daughter, Justin Raven's girlfriend. I didn't belong to me, I belonged to everyone else.
It's an odd feeling to realize you were never really a person in all the years you thought you were. Everything I did, I did was for someone else. When you're fourteen or thirteen or twelve or younger you don't notice that. What you notice is that everyone around you is happy. You notice that they approve you. You notice they are happy for you. You notice that your life is a little bit easier for being their puppet.
After six months living in shelters pregnant you start to realize a few things. Things like the people you demanded on most can be scared away. Things like what you think and feel are as important as what the world thinks and feel. Most of all though, after sixteen hours of labor I learned that through a thousand mistakes can come the greatest miracle.
The first time I held my baby in my arms just two months after my fifteenth birthday I knew what it felt like to belong in the world, to know I had a purpose. Not just as Colton Beau Deveraux's mother, but as a woman who knew herself well enough to know she could survive anything because she could love so completely.
My heart beat for the first time the day my son was born. I took my first breath, opened my eyes, took my first steps into the world the day he came screaming into the world. I know you are wondering how that's possible. How's does a child give birth and suddenly realize who she really is? Why wasn't I afraid? Why wasn't I begging my parents to take me back? Why wasn't I crying for the youth I lost to a child I never planned?
Trust me, I was terrified. I've never cried so much in my entire fifteen years. Who was I kidding? I was fifteen years old. I didn't have a clue about how to raise a child. I was homeless with no family, no money, no nothing. All I had was the child in my arms. Trust me, I was scared. I was more than scared though. I was hurt that the precious soul I held had no grandparents, no father because of him. I was hurt that everyone I had ever loved and trusted had abandoned me because of pride and fear. I suppose if you have to run from the good things in your life that you should run because of pride and fear. No better excuses than those.
Past the fear, past the pain and loneliness I found peace though. Everyone may have run out on me but I knew with every beat of my heart and with every breath that I took that I would never leave Colt. Because I loved him so much I knew we would make it. That love moved past my pain and fear and found a place deep inside of me. It gave me peace. It was a peace that grew with every day we made it through.
I never asked my son to be anything. I never asked him to be perfect or to do it all. I never asked him to be anything but my son. He was my child, my hope, my love, but he was my best friend as well. If he got good grades I was proud, if he didn't I helped him work harder. If he made a new friend I let it be unless I knew something was wrong. He broke the rules and he got punished. He followed them and I rewarded him. He was a good kid and I think I did a good job raising him. We both made mistakes but we were both smart enough to know that we were both learning at the same time. I had never been a mother. He had never been a son. We were getting better though.
A week later Colt was still sulking. After freezing on the sidewalk all night as the fifth in line the ticket office did a lotto so that everyone had a fair chance. Fair my foot! If we were willing to sleep out there then we should be allowed to be first. We ended up half way back and in ten minutes the tickets to the Denver show were sold out. Colt was devastated. It was the first time the BSB would be that close to him and he wouldn't be able to see them.
He didn't touch his CDs for a week, no magazines, no television interviews. It was like he was cutting them out of his life because he couldn't see them in person. I hated it. In fact, I couldn't stand to see how heartbroken he was. I had to do something. No matter what I thought before, I couldn't let him hurt like that.
I know you think it's a little much. How much could a twelve-year-old hurt over a music group, right? You don't understand. Colt's never had any kind of father. Not a real one or even an uncle or older brother. It's just the two of us. So he took these five men who were kind and funny and honorable to a fault in his eyes and turned them into gods. They were his fathers so to speak. They taught him about falling in love and about having fun and about being decent through their music. They were all he had for a male role model. To tell him he couldn't see them when they were so close would be like telling him his father wouldn't come see him when he was in town. No mother would ever allow her child to hurt like that.
I called People magazine. Two weeks later they were sending me a new subject to photograph. Or should I say five new subjects.
"Hey, I got some new clients coming in tomorrow. Would you give me a hand in the studio?" I asked my son.
"Yeah, I guess. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure. Just know it's a bunch of guys. Maybe it'll be someone we know," I answered.
"Maybe," he echoed, walking away.
The next morning he was in the studio helping. The kid was a genius with camera equipment. He even had a great eye behind the camera. I wondered if maybe he would take after me but I didn't push it. I never demanded that he help me. I only offered and most of the time he was eager to help. Photography had always been a part of his life I suppose.
The knock on the front door got our attention at about nine that morning. I sent Colt to answer it as I finished up one last thing. A moment later I heard the yell.
"MOM!"
Slowly I walked out of my studio trying my hardest not to smile. "Yeah, kiddo? What is it?"
Colt stood rooted to the floor in front of the front door. Standing before him were Brian Littrell, Kevin Richardson, Nick Carter, Howie Dorough, and A.J. McLean, the Backstreet Boys.
"Mom, it's the Backstreet Boys. The Backstreet Boys are in our house. You are going to take their pictures. Why didn't you tell me?" he demanded, forgetting the five men for a moment as he berated me.
I smiled. "If we can't get you to a concert then we can at least get you in the same room. I called in a few favors with the magazine and I'm guessing the BSB agreed to it," I answered.
"I love you," he yelled, hugging me tighter than he ever had before. Where was my macho boy? He was going to be so embarrassed later on.
"Love you too," I answered when he let me go. Then I turned my attention to the five men at my door. "I'm sorry. Please come in. I'm Hunter Deveraux and this is my son Colt. It's a pleasure to meet you all," I greeted, stepping back so they could make their way into my house.
"The pleasure is all ours, Mrs. Deveraux," Kevin answered, holding his hand to shake mine.
"It's Ms. and please call me Hunter. Can I get any of you anything? Tea, coffee, soda?" I asked, leading them back to my studio. They each declined as we walked through the house.
"You have a beautiful home, Hunter," Brian commented. I glanced back to see each of them looking inside the rooms as they passed by. I smiled.
"Thank you. I'm pretty proud of it. Right this way, gentleman," I said, opening the door to my studio.
It was the largest room in the house. In fact, it was bigger than three of any of the other rooms put together. That was the way I intended it when I had it built. I needed room to do what I did.
"Wow," I heard Nick say.
"I'm going to take that as a compliment," I said, laughing.
"Trust me, it is," Howie added, grinning.
"How do you want us to do this, Hunter?" A.J. asked.
"Truthfully?" I questioned. They each nodded. I grabbed Colt's hand who had surprisingly been quiet until then. "You're here for this young man really. I couldn't get him tickets to your Denver concert and I pulled a few strings at work to get you here as you probably know. How we do this shoot is completely up to all of you. Any ideas?"
"I've got one," Colt spoke up.
"Don't keep us in suspense, dude. Tell us," A.J. urged.
"Well, you know everyone has a favorite Backstreet Boy or two favorites or however many? You've done group shots and you've done individual shots. Have you ever thought about pairing up differently? Like Howie and Kevin or A.J. and Brian or Nick and Howie. See what I mean?" Colt suggested.
"You've got one smart kid on your hands, Hunter. I like the way he thinks," Kevin answered, smiling at my son. I had a rush of pride then that caused me to smile as well.
"I'm kind of fond of the way he thinks too. You're wardrobe is over there. It was sent yesterday. If you gentleman will just pick what you want to wear and change we can get this on the road. Sound good to you?" I asked.
"Sounds like a plan to me. Come on, Colt. You look like a man with good fashion sense. Come help. Last time I let Howie help and he picked out some women's pants," A.J. teased, throwing an arm around my son and leading him away. I have never seen Colt smile so much in all his life.
"So he's a fan, huh?" Kevin asked from behind me. I hadn't realized he didn't walk away with the other guys.
"A huge one. I know every song, every album, and your entire life history because of him. He was pretty upset we didn't get tickets. I knew you men were going to need to do some shots for the upcoming tour. I figured it worked out perfectly. You got what you needed and my son got what he wanted. He deserved this," I explained, smiling as I watched Colt and A.J. go through the clothes. He was in heaven.
"How old is he? Thirteen, fourteen years old?"
"Would you believe he is only twelve? He's tall for his age, I know. He gets that from his father. Another year and I'm sure he'll be as tall as you and Nick."
"Possibly. He's already taller than Howie. Speaking of which, I better get over there and make sure he doesn't pick something awful."
"Of course," I answered, and watched him walk away.
Maybe meeting the Backstreet Boys was going to be a good thing. They seemed as if they were good men. Maybe they wouldn't turn out to shake Colt's belief in them. So far so good.
Four hours later I could no longer take another picture. I was laughing so hard I was crying and I just couldn't focus on anything. In all the years I had worked for People I had never had that much fun at a photo shoot. I think I had as much fun as Colt.
My precious baby who was growing up so fast. I had given him a gift neither one of us would ever forget. Especially when the BSB insisted on having him in a few of the shots. There was one of him with the whole group and individual ones of him and each of the guys. It didn't take me long to realize that my son had picked the most remarkable men to admire.
They joked with him, talked with him, tickled him. They dressed him up in their clothes and traded insults like only guys can. He had somehow become something of a Backstreet little brother. Nick said he reminded him a great deal of his little brother Aaron. From what I knew of the kid I considered that high praise for my boy.
They had serious shots and shots where I couldn't have gotten them to keep a straight face if my life depended on it. It was work but they knew how to have fun with it as well. One of my favorite shots was one where Brian, Nick, A.J. and Howie held their "big brother" Kevin in their arms as if they were the ones to hold him up and not the other way around. It was obvious how much they loved each other and it was obvious to them how much Colt loved them. They respected him for that and he them. Most of all though, I found a new respect for them.
"Hey, Hunter. Time to trade. Let Colt take the camera and come here," A.J. yelled, waving me towards the set up.
"What? Why?" I asked, confused as Colt took the camera from my hand.
"Because we want a picture with you and then you are going to set the timer on that thing so that we can get a picture of all seven of us," Nick explained, pulling me into their group.
I screamed when someone picked me up and threw my arms around their neck. I looked up into Kevin's green eyes and smiled.
"Hello there," he said, laughing.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Poising. Now look at Colt and smile," he ordered.
With myself draped in Kevin's arms, Brian and Nick to my left, and Howie and A.J. to my right we took a picture. Then a moment later, with the timer set, Colt raced over to us. I wrapped my arms around my son's neck and the guys squeezed in around us. Laughing we took another picture together.
"I don't know how to thank all of you. You have no idea how much it means to me that you did this for Colt," I said, looking up at all of them.
"Are you serious? We've had more fun with the two of you then we've ever had at a photo shoot. If anyone should be saying thank you it is us," Brian argued, smiling.
"Hey, Colt. Maybe next time we are out this way we can meet your dad," Nick suggested.
My heart always twisted when someone mentioned Colt's biological father. He had given up such a precious gift in Colt. I hated that my son never had a father even as a part of me was grateful the stranger had left before breaking Colt's heart.
I was young and stupid and caught up in a night that changed my life forever. I had an argument with Justin, I was alone and upset. He was a beautiful boy on the verge of manhood. I lost myself in his eyes. I suppose whoever he was he never thought of me again because after that night I never saw him again. He turned my life upside down, tore it apart in that single night. I never knew his name, his age, anything. He was just a boy who eased my tears, changed my life, and gave me the most precious gift I could ever receive, my son.
"I don't have a dad. Just the world's greatest mom. Just like A.J.'s mom," Colt answered, smiling as he slipped an arm around my waist to hug me.
"That's right. Denise McLean is one woman I admire greatly. She's raised a good man," I said, hugging my son.
"Thank you," A.J. answered, winking at me.
"I'm sorry, Hunter. I didn't realize," Nick began, looking very upset.
"Don't, Nick. It's nothing. His father's loss and my gain. I get this miracle all to myself," I answered, ruffling Colt's hair. I glanced down at my watch then. "Oh wow! I can't believe I took up this much time. I've never had a shoot last this long. We had a great time today, guys. Thank you so much."
"No thank you. We have one last thing before we really have to run. Don't tell anyone we did this because we honestly don't have that many to give out, but because you two have made us laugh like crazy we want you to come. So here are two tickets to our Denver show in two months," Howie said, handing Colt the two tickets.
"Oh my God! Mom, do you see this? Tickets to their show. Mom, look," Colt was yelling as he jumped up and down.
"Oh, kiddo. That's great. I'm so happy for you," I said, laughing at his display of joy.
"Thank you so much," Colt said, hugging each of the guys in turn.
"No problem, kiddo. We wouldn't dream of coming back to Colorado and not coming to see our favorite photographer and her son," Kevin said. I must have been the only one to notice his use of the nickname I used for my son.
I hugged each of the men before me and stepped back to let Colt hug them. I had done the right thing. Colt may never have another conversation with these men, but this day would provide him with a lifetime memory of five men he could really believe in. As I watched him embrace each of these men I smiled. My son had spent four hours with his "fathers" and I knew because of that he would grow up to be a better man.
"So in two months, how about dinner? We'll send a car and raid McDonald's," A.J. suggested, smiling at Colt and winking.
"Cool," Colt answered, smiling back.
"Maybe somewhere a little nicer than Mickey D's. Possibly a place where you sit down and they serve you," Kevin said, laughing. "I like that idea, but you guys don't have to do that. You've done so much already. We don't want to take up any more of you time," I said, putting an arm around Colt.
"Mom," he wailed, looking at me as if I was crazy.
"We insist. Trust me, you won't be taking up any more time then we would gladly give you. We had a great time today and we can't wait to see you again," Brian said.
"Alright then. Dinner in two months," I agreed.
Links to other sites on the Web
© 1997 crunkgrl62382@yahoo.com
Get your own Free Home Page