After nearly a week of him thanking me over and over again and telling me how wonderful I was he went to spend the night with a friend. I was alone in the house. I hated that. I hated the way the house echoed in silence, the way the wind outside seemed a thousand times louder, and the way everything settled without Colt's constant presence. I hated being alone.
Curled up in the chair in the living room, I sat listening to the sounds of a lonely house. When the phone rang it scared me to death. Taking a deep breath, I reached for the receiver.
"Hello?" I answered.
"Hunter?" a deep, rather sexy voice that sounded vaguely familiar asked.
"This is Hunter Deveraux. Can I help you?"
"It's Kevin. Kevin Richardson of the Backstreet Boys."
Of course! That's where I knew that voice and what a wonderful voice it was.
"Must be a pain in the ass to have to define yourself through your career," I teased, laughing.
"It can be," he answered, laughing as well.
"What can I do for you, Kevin?" I asked, settling back in my chair. It was good to hear another voice.
"I confess. I was lonely and thought I would call and see how you and Colt were. The pictures turned out great, by the way. The guys and I really appreciate the personal ones you sent."
I smiled into the phone as I answered. "Don't thank me. Those are the best pictures I've ever taken. It had to have been my subjects."
"Oh, you are a woman who knows how to give a man an ego boost. Seriously though, you are very talented. Have you been a photographer long?"
"Honestly, I've only been doing this for about six years. I took pictures of Colt a lot when he was young because I didn't have much time with him. Someone from People magazine caught sight of one of the pictures one day when they were out here for vacation. One thing lead to another, and here I am," I explained.
"Do you mind if I ask why you didn't get much time with got?"
Some people might have been defensive. Some people might have been secretive. Some people would have given anything to hide all that happened. I didn't see the point. You could tell I had been young when I gave birth to Colt. The moment you found out my age you would know the truth. What was the point of hiding it, of being ashamed of the only really good thing in my life? There was no point. So I gave my story to anyone who wanted it.
"Colt was three years old by the time I finally graduated high school. I had to work and tried to take a few classes at the local college. I missed a lot of things so all I had were my pictures."
Silence echoed through the phone then. I should have known. Why is it when people find out you had sex at an early age and had a child they lose respect for you? Funny, I respected myself more for being able to survive it all.
"Kevin?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to just fall silent like that. I'm just amazed by you," he finally said.
"What?" He lost me there.
"How old were you when Colt was born?"
"I had just turned fifteen." I was still completely confused. What was he trying to get out?
"What about your parents?"
"They didn't want anything to do with their slut daughter or bastard child as they put it." Such hateful words for my miracle that was my son.
"You have to be the single most courageous woman I've ever met. To raise such an amazing kid by yourself, I'm amazed," he admitted it.
"Why?" I asked.
"Alone, young, scared. You still survived. You've made this great life from what I can see for yourself and your son. Most women, or should I say girls in your place would have never stood a chance. Most would have given up. Did you ever think of getting an abortion?"
"Please don't take this the wrong way, Kevin, but don't you ever day that word to me again. I've had nightmares about that. If I had taken that path I would have lost the most amazing thing to ever come into my life. So respectfully I ask that you never say that to me again."
"I'm sorry, Hunter. I didn't mean to offend you."
"Don't worry about it. I've come to realize it's a common question. It's insane to think a fourteen-year-old can survive on the streets pregnant and alone. I guess I was willing to do anything for Colt even before I ever saw him."
"How could your parents just abandon you like that?"
His quiet, deep voice held this hint of sadness. He hurt for a little girl lost and alone. Some place inside him mourned for the pain and fear I felt. How amazing.
"I don't blame them, don't hate them. They were scared too and they were confused enough to believe their pride was more important."
"How can you be so forgiving?"
"Oh, Kevin. How can I not? Yes, I was alone, scared, and struggling, but look at what they are missing. They will never know their grandson, his voice, his smile, his sense of humor. I survived and I'm stronger for it, but they will always miss out on loving Colt," I said, the sadness touching my heart again. How could anyone give up the chance to love my sweet, sweet boy?
"Are you an angel?"
"No," I answered, laughing. "Not by far. I have more faults than I can count. No, I'm no angel. Just a woman who can love with all her heart and soul."
"Do you ever get scared anymore? I mean with all your success and happiness you look like you have a wonderful life. You're still alone raising a son though. Does it ever still scare you?"
"Sure it does," I admitted. It terrified me really. What woman wouldn't be scared? "You're right. I am still alone and I have never done this before. What if I screw him up, what if he hates me, what if I hurt him with the choices I've made for us? Questions like that run through my mind every day. I can't answer them though. It's just me and no matter how scared I am the truth is I'm all Colt has. I have to be his mother, father, aunt, uncle, grandparents, and best friend. I'm terrified I'll screw up, but I don't have a choice."
"You always have a choice, Hunter," Kevin corrected.
"Not when it comes to loving my son."
Kevin and I were on the phone till almost one o'clock in the morning. He listened to my tall of woe, as I called it with a smile, and in turn shared his life with me. I hurt deep inside when he talked about losing his father to cancer, about fearing for Brian when he had heart surgery. My life may have been a nightmare at times but his hadn't been a picnic in the park either. We had loved and lost, been scared, and survived. I suppose you could say we had kindred souls. Life hadn't been easy for either of us, but our rewards were in the form my son and his four friends. Some pretty great rewards in my opinion.
By the time we finally hung up I felt like I had known Kevin all my life. After five hours on the phone I suppose anyone would feel like that. I think we were a little different though. Kevin and I connected. Some part deep inside of us was bound together because I soon found that he was crazy about my son. We connected through pain and loneliness and a boy that had stole places in our hearts.
When I hung up Kevin did the most amazing thing. It was so cute. He asked if he could call again. I hadn't been on a date since I was fourteen. I had no idea that saying yes could lead to other things. If I had maybe I would have said no instead of telling him I couldn't wait.
Two days later Colt bolted into my office with this unbelievably huge grin on his face. I burst out laughing at just the sight of him.
"Did you win the lottery or what, kiddo?" I asked, moving my files so he could perch himself on my desk like he always did.
"There's something in the front hall for you. Mom, have you talked to any of the guys lately?" he asked, still grinning ridiculously. "Well, now that you mention it Kevin did call the other night. Why?" I asked as I followed him out to the front hall.
"No reason," he answered and I could tell from his smile he was lying. Suddenly though I understood.
In my front hall was the most beautiful bouquet of white roses I had ever seen. Tall, elegant, beautiful, perfection. So perfected I wasn't sure they were real except for the wonderful fragrance that filled my house.
I spun around on my son. "You read the card, didn't you?" I demanded.
"Mom, why would you ask something like that?" he said, wearing that all too familiar "innocent" look.
"Because I know you. You read the card, didn't you?" I repeated.
He grinned and shrugged. "Yeah, sorry."
"Beat it, kiddo, before I ground you. You know better than to read private things with my name on it," I said, disappointed that he had broken such an important rule.
"Come on, Mom. When was the last time you got flowers? Never, that's when. So shoot me for being curious about whom was sending my mother flowers like that. I'm a guy. I know what it means when a woman gets roses," he argued, hands on hips. Eerie thing that was, because I found myself standing in the exact same position. The kid was I in so many ways.
"Doesn't change the fact that you read my mail. Now scram before I ground you," I ordered, watching him shrug again and walk away. If I didn't love him so damn muchâ€|
I heard the soft click of his bedroom door closing and turned my attention back to the flowers. Without even looking to see who had sent them I was in love with them. I had never gotten flowers, not from a man anyway. The only flowers I had ever gotten were weeds from Colt as a little boy. Those are the most beautiful kind as far as the heart is concern, but the roses in front of me were a close second. I stood inhaling the scent and absorbing their beauty for a few more moments before I pulled the card free.
Hunter,
Thank you for sharing your heart, your pain, and your hope with me the other night. I saw these roses and I thought of you, of a child who lost her innocence and a woman who had found it. You have a heart purer than that of any child and wiser than that of any elder.
Yours truly,
Kevin
I've heard very few poetic words in my life, but of those few Kevin's were the most beautiful. The most beautiful and the most touching because I never expected another person to see inside me like that. No one ever asked about my heart because there was no one to ask.
I hadn't had much experience in falling in love. Truthfully, I hadn't had any. What I had with Justin had bee desire of acceptance. What we had shared was only for looks. It didn't take me long to realize he never loved me or I him. I wasn't stupid though. A little slow, yes, but not stupid. I knew what it meant when a man sent flowers. He was courting, as my father use to say.
"Just my luck. I finally catch the eye of a real man and he lives in Orlando, is a rock star, and travels the world. Not exactly the kind of man I want to fall for," I mumbled smiling as I carried the bouquet back to my office.
I had one friend in the world besides Colt. Serena Spencer was the closest thing I had to family, she was like a sister to me. When I need to talk she listened. Right then I needed to talk.
"Hello?"
"You got an ear I can borrow, Serena?" I asked the gentle voice that answered.
My friend was a true paradox. Her name, her voice, even her looks presented a quiet appearance, but there was no one wilder than Serena. She was a no holds barred kind of woman who didn't believe in dancing around things, but getting straight to the point.
"Always, midget. What's up?" she asked.
I laughed at the nickname. Midget. Though neither one of us was very tall nor short I was still four inches taller than she.
"I got roses today," I admitted. My words were followed by a crash on Serena's end of the phone.
"Sorry, dropped the phone. Could you repeat that?" she asked.
"I got roses today. From a man," I added, smiling.
"Hunter, you didn't tell me you were dating anyone! How could you? Who is he, where did you meet, how long have you been dating, and was does Colt think of him?" she demanded, firing the questions at me without pause.
"Serena, wait! I didn't realize I would be facing the Spanish Inquisition when I called," I teased, settling myself back in my chair. This was going to be a long conversation.
"You know that group that Colt worships?" I asked her.
"You did not just ask me that," she responded with a scowl I could hear through the phone. Dumb question, I realized.
Serena adored the Backstreet Boys almost as much as Colt did. Though she lusted after them more than admired them. It was shocking some of the things she did for a twenty-six-year-old woman. She could act like a twelve-year-old in a heartbeat. Probably why Colt adored her.
"His name is Kevin Richardson," I answered, waiting for the squeal. I didn't have to wait long. The high pitched squeal almost caused me to drop the phone.
"Oh my sweet Jesus, you are dating Kevin Richardson of the Backstreet Boys? Hunter," she screamed and I could just picture her dancing around her living room with excitement. Now I had to burst her bubble.
"No we are not dating. He and the guys were out here doing a photo shoot and he called the other night and we just talked. We talked for hours and then he sent me roses today as a sort of thank you," I explained.
"Tell me you don't really believe that. Men don't send roses as a thank you unless it's a thank you for a wild night of sex," she teased, laughing. "Now tell me."
"You are worse than any teenager I have ever known. We just talked, Serena. That's it. I told him about my life, being alone, struggling, loving Colt so much. He told me about the guys, his family, losing his father to cancer. He asked if he could call me again and I said yes. I have a problem though, CeCe," I admitted, softly.
"You don't want to fall for a man that may possibly never be around for you or your son," she answered.
"You always could read my mind. So help me. What do I do?" I begged.
"He's going on tour, Hunter. How much wooing can he do in fifty different cities?"
"If he calls from all of them a hell of a lot. He has this voice, Serena. It's like he can talk all my problems away. He makes me forget."
"Forget what?" she asked.
"Forget that it hurts, forget that I'm alone, forget that no one holds me in bed at night. He makes me forget that I made this choice thirteen years ago that no matter how much I love Colt still hurts," I confessed. Tears? I hadn't cried in so long, I wasn't sure if those were tears that I felt stinging my eyes or not.
"Oh, Hunter. I had no idea, honey."
"Good, you weren't suppose to. I don't want you to feel sorry for me or pity me. I'm happy, Serena. I really am, don't doubt that. It's just that sometimes a part of me deep down reminds me that everyone I ever cared about turned their backs on me when I needed them the most. Kevin makes me forget about that part of me," I said, rubbing my hand across my eyes even as I told myself I wasn't really crying. It was only allergies.
"Darlin, if he makes you forget than let him. Maybe he'll turn out to be this wonderful part of your life. Don't be afraid to accept that."
"Mom?"
"Yeah, kiddo," I answered my son as we lay out in the yard staring up at the stars.
It was one of our things, one of the few traditions we had shared since the day we moved out there. We lay in the grass staring up at the sky wishing on stars and talking about life. We were just together. I taught him the constellations, he taught me the myths behind the names. It was just a little bit of time we had together.
"Have you heard from Kevin?" he asked me.
"No, Kiddo, not in a couple of weeks. Why?" I asked, smiling at him.
"Just curious. You seemed really happy when he sent those flowers. I've never seen you smile like that," he answered.
I smiled differently? I hadn't noticed that. What else about getting those flowers did I not notice?
"What do you mean?"
"You seemed happy. Like there was this new light in your eyes. You didn't look like you regretted anything when you talked to him."
"Colt, what are you talking about? Regretted what?" I asked, sitting up.
"Things," he answered, shrugging as he averted his eyes. He was talking about himself. Oh God, no!
"Colton Deveraux, I have never once since the day I got pregnant regretted you. Don't you ever, ever let that thought cross your mind again. I don't care how my life turned itself around I still wanted and loved you from the moment you were created. How could you think that?"
"I've seen your eyes, Mom. No matter what you say I've seen the sadness in them. You regret all those things you gave up to have me."
"Look at me and you listen good, young man," I ordered, turning him to face me. "I don't regret anything. I'm sorry your grandparents gave up a chance to know you, I'm sorry my friends didn't accept my choice, but I will never ever regret their decisions because I chose to love you. They made their choices and I made mine. Trust me I made the better one.
"You're right. Kevin does make me smile. He's a good man and I do like him, as I know you do. He does make me forget how much it hurts to know our family gave up the chance to love us so much. He doesn't make me forget the regret though, Colt, because there isn't any regret to forget," I said, kissing his forehead and smiling at him. "Understand?"
"Understood," he answered, a serious expression on his face. It was one he got from his father though I had never seen it before. I knew because it wasn't one of my own.
He did that sometimes. Turned into this boy I had never known. The way he tilted his head or looked at me or stood. They were things he got from his father. How odd to see a boy I never really knew in the son that I knew heart and soul.
"Do you ever think about him, Colt?" I asked my son as we settled back down.
"Who? Kevin?" he asked.
"No, your father."
"Sure, don't you think about Grandpa?" he countered.
"Yes, but I knew Grandpa. I think about the memories I have of him, the things we did, the things he missed out on with you," I answered.
"Same here. I think about the things I've never done with him, things I'll never do. I wonder what he looks like, what his name is, how old he is. I wonder if somehow some part of him knows about me, if he thinks about you, wonders where you are, if you're ok," he answered in turn.
"Do you miss him?"
"In ways. I miss the things I see my friends doing but it's none of the stuff we don't do together. Just that bond. You know, guy stuff," he said, with a slight shrug. One of his father's things I knew. I never shrugged, not even when I was younger.
"I wish I could change that for you. I wish I could give him to you, Colt."
"Sometimes I do to, Mom, but you know I would settle for just calling Kevin dad," he teased, laughing.
"Not funny, kiddo. Not funny," I said even as I laughed with him. I nudged him in the grass and he lifted himself up on one elbow to look at me.
"Call him, Mom," he said.
"Why?"
"Because I like that light I saw in your eyes. He makes you look fourteen again."
"I don't know, Colt. I made some not so wonderful choices when I was fourteen," I answered, looking up in the eyes so much like mine.
"I don't know about that. You had me and you say I'm the best thing you've ever done. Call him for me. So I can see that light again. You've spent so much time making me happy. It's your turn."
Half an hour later I was dialing a number I had gotten from Kevin a few weeks ago.
"Hello?" he deep, sexy voice answered.
"Kev, its Hunter Deveraux."
"Hello, beautiful. How are you?"
"I'm good, really good. How about you? Ready for the tour yet?" I asked, smiling.
I saw Colt stick his head in the door and his face lit up with the most beautiful smile when he heard me on the phone. With a thumbs up sign, he left me alone smiling. Maybe he was smarter than I realized because I wasn't happier than when I heard Kevin's voice on the other end of the phone.
Kevin called me every other night while the guys were on tour. He told me about the cities and the crowds, life on the bus and how annoying it was to hear Brian on the phone with Leighanne since she had decided not to accompany them on this tour. We laughed and talked and he asked about my work. I told him about Serena and how Colt was doing. He was genuinely interested in my son too. In fact, many times I would give the phone to Colt for a while as he and Kevin talked.
That was what I liked about him the most. He cared about what mattered most in my life and he really connected with him. I would leave Colt on the phone with him and come back in the room to see him laughing like I've never seen. Kevin meant a lot to Colt, that was obvious to me even after only a few weeks, and what was equally obvious was the Colt meant a great deal to Kevin.
"Will you two have dinner with me when we get out there in two weeks?" Kevin asked me one night over the phone.
"We already are, remember?"
"No, I mean just me. No Brian, Howie, A.J. or Nick. Just you, Colt, and me. Please," he begged.
"When? You guys are only in town that one night. We can't eat twice, Kev," I pointed out even as I desperately wanted to have dinner with just him and my son.
"Then lunch or breakfast, something. I just want to spend some time with the two of you. We'll find a way, Hunter," he promised.
"You're a busy man, Kevin. Don't try and do too much just for us. We'll see you at the show and then afterwards with the others," I assured him.
"I don't want to share you with the others, baby girl."
Baby girl... baby girl.... baby girl? It was familiar somehow. Someone before had called me baby girl. Who? When? I hated wondering that. It was torture but I didn't have time then to figure it out.
"We'll find a way. Promise," I said, smiling into the phone.
Two weeks later Kevin had found a way. We were having breakfast after he and the other Backstreet Boys did a radio interview and before the sound check.
When someone knocked at our front door at a quarter to ten Colt ran to get it.
"Slow down before you break your neck," I yelled from my bedroom as I gave myself one last look.
I was going on a date. Yes, it was a date my son was accompanying me on, but it was a date nonetheless and it was my first date in thirteen years. You'll forgive me if I was a little nervous.
"Hey, kiddo. How are you?" I heard Kevin's wonderful voice from the door.
"Kevin," my son greeted and I stuck my head out just in time to see him throw his arms around Kevin's waist. I've never seen my little boy so happy to see someone, even me.
"Now that is the most beautiful smile I have ever seen," Kevin said when he saw me.
I felt his gorgeous green eyes move up and down my body and I felt something I hadn't felt in far too long, desirable as well as desire. Boy, did I desire him too. He looked wonderful, but then again he always did.
"You don't look so bad yourself," I said, walking toward the two males.
"Would you be upset with me if I put my arms around you?" he asked like the perfect gentleman that he was. I've never known another man who would ask to do something like that. Well maybe one other manâ€|
"I'm wondering what is taking you so long," I said, stepping toward him and putting my arms around his waist as he slipped his around my body.
You know when the world turns its back on your and you've had the worst day you could ever imagine and you're miserable then someone puts his arms around you and everything else is perfect. That's how I felt in that moment in Kevin's arms. Every rough moment in my life disappeared in his embrace.
The flash caught my attention enough for me to pull back from Kevin. I looked up to see Colt grinning with one my cameras in his hand.
"I couldn't help myself," was all he said.
"Come on, you monster. Let's go eat," I said, taking his hand and Kevin's and walking out.
I was a little surprised to see the large male standing outside my door. Truthfully, he scared the hell out of me when I almost walked into him.
"Hunter, Colt, this is Carlos. He's my bodyguard. I hope you don't mind but he's not an option. Though sometimes I wish he were," Kevin added with a glance at Carlos. He hadn't wanted to share Colt and I yet he wasn't give the choice as far as Carols was concerned.
"Breakfast with two handsome men? Who would mind that? Nice to meet you, Carlos," I said, extending my hand. He looked ferocious and could easily discard anyone who came near Kevin. He had gentle eyes though. He cared about Kevin. He cared about Kevin a great deal.
"The pleasure is all mine, Hunter. I'm sorry about this but my orders are not to let Kevin out of my sight. I'll do my best to stay away so you don't even notice me though," he promised, shaking my hand.
"I'm sure everything will be fine. Now if you men don't mind, I'm starving. Let's go," I said, hooking my arms with Kevin's and Colt's and heading toward the car with Carlos behind us.
He took us to a nice restaurant, got a table in the back with Carlos at the next table, and we spent nearly two hours talking and laughing. Kevin talked about the interview he and the guys had done that morning, how long Carlos had been with him, their last stop. He told Colt that Brian, Nick, Howie and A.J. couldn't wait to see him that night after the show and that they had a surprise waiting for him at the venue. We talked about different it was for the group then it had been seven years ago, about how their music had changed, the guys themselves.
We were laughing over the now infamous story of Nick and his green underwear when Carlos tapped Kevin on the shoulder.
"Sound check in fifteen minutes, Kev," he whispered.
Kevin looked at me with sad eyes and I reached a hand out to him. "Don't worry. We have tonight and you have four guys you can't disappoint," I said, smiling gently at him. The same way I smiled at Colt when he had to give up one good thing to do another. I guess once you're a mother you're always a mother.
"I just hate that it's over. I'm having such a good time," he admitted, squeezing my hand gently.
"I'll let you keep her out late tonight after the show if you promise me you have good intentions," Colt said, a serious expression on his face. A moment later he smiled this gorgeous smile that signified he was kidding.
"I have the best intentions possible, kiddo," Kevin promised, smiling as he ruffled Colt's hair.
Kevin dropped us off at the house and at the door he looked at me. I never really believed you could get lost in someone's eyes. Until I looked into Kevin's eyes. I got lost and I wasn't sure I wanted to be found.
"See you tonight, Kev," Colt promised before bolting inside.
"I think I'm gonna have to sneak him on to the bus and take him with me when he go to the next city," Kevin teased, laughing.
"Only if you take me too," I laughed.
"If only I could, Hunter. If only I could," he whispered, leaning close. "Would you hate me if I tried to kiss you?"
"I might hate you if you didn't try," I answered, raising up on my toes
slightly.
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