Choices

written by Carrie Ann

"Your what?" Jerald asked.

I watched Ann, her face, her body. I was worried for her. She was so sweet, so gentle. I couldn't bear if something happened to her because of this news.

"He's my son," Kevin repeated, squeezing my hand and Colt's.

"Did you two get married or something?" Tim asked.

"No, not yet," Kevin answered.

My eyes snapped to his face. Did he say no yet? What did that mean?

"Colt, is my biological son," he began again then continued to explain where it happened, when, how, and finally how we had come to find out the truth.

His family was stunned, rocked to their very core. Their baby, their little brother was a father, had been a father since he was fifteen. It was unbelievable.

Still I watched Ann. Then held my breath as she stood and approached colt. Her eyes traced him, seeing her son in my son. Slowly, she raised her hand and touched his face.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"For what?" Colt asked.

"For not finding you sooner," she answered, wrapping her arms around him.

He hugged her back, holding on as if he would never let her go. His grandmother. I felt the tears burn my eyes again.

I mumbled something and tried to run from the room. Colt didn't need my tears to ruin this moment for him. Unfortunately Kevin caught me before I could get away.

"You can't run every time you cry, baby girl," he said, pulling me into his arms.

"I don't want any attention. This is for you and Colt. Just let me go outside for a minute," I answered, trying to fight my tears.

"This is for all of us, Hunter. You, Colt, and me. This is our family now. Don't be afraid to cry," he said, smiling down at me, his own eyes bright with tears.

I turned my head and saw Ann, her arms still around her grandson, smiling at me.

"We can be silent or we can love them. I say love them," she advised.

"You can't keep standing in the shadows so Colt gets all the light, baby. My family wants to know you as much as they want to know him," Kevin said, kissing my forehead. "Now come back, cry your eyes out, and let us love you."

I smiled, brushed the tears off my face and walked back into the room. Kevin wasn't going to let me cry in peace so I guess I was going to cry with Ann.

It was the most amazing thing to watch my son with these people whose blood flowed through his veins. They accepted him without hesitation, loved him without reservation. He was a part of their family. Every moment I watched him with them it amazed me more. There were so many things similar in them that I should have noticed before. He looked like them, moved like them, loved like them. Amazing how I missed that for so long.

Over the next two weeks I watched them. The Richardsons fell in love with my son and I started to wonder. Colt may have been born a Deveraux but maybe it was time to change that. Colt Richardson. It had a nice ring to it. Maybe after we got home I would suggest it to them.

Home. That was a question all it's own. Where was home? The place where Colt and I loved, where we slept at night? Or was it in Orlando where Kevin slept? So many choices. Home, names, titles, fans, family.

The Richardsons loved colt so much. Why hadn't my family wanted to love him the same way? They had cut him out of their lives without ever seeing his smile. Thirteen years later I wondered if maybe they were ready to know their grandson.

While Kevin, Tim, and Jerald took Colt horseback riding one day I took my phone and hid.

Three rings later I heard a voice that I hadn't heard in thirteen long years.

"Daddy?" I whispered, tears choking me.

"Who is this?"

"It's Hunter, Daddy," I cried into the phone. "Your daughter."

"I don't have a daughter," was followed by the slamming of the phone.

Three hours later Colt found me still crying. Not just crying though. Great, painful sobs that raced my body. I must have terrified my son because the moment he saw me he started screaming for Kevin.

When Kevin appeared in the doorway his face was white with fear.

"Baby girl, what's wrong? What happened?" he asked, coming towards the bed where he sat down and held me.

I couldn't talk, couldn't answer it hurt so much. It was a whole new pain yet the same wound it had been when I was fourteen. They didn't want me, didn't love me, and worst of all was now I knew they never would again. I was worse than orphaned, I was unwanted by the two people I had once believed loved me the most. I didn't hate them, didn't regret being born to them. I was just hurt. Hurt beyond the words to describe it. I was so hurt emotionally it had become a physical pain. I hurt so much I couldn't think, couldn't speak, couldn't feel. I just hurt.

And I continued to hurt long into the night with my men never leaving my side. Kevin held me in his arms as Colt lay next to me holding my hand. My continuing strength, my constant power, my everlasting hope.

When the pain began to deaden hours later the sun had set and Colt had fallen asleep next to me. I turned slightly to look up at Kevin where he slept against the headboard.

He ruined my life and now he was making it a dream come true. I could have hated him, but my life was as much my fault as his. I went into his arms easily all those years ago, as easily as I came to him now.

We were meant to be. Life had led us to each other years ago and led us back to each other now. It wasn't chance, wasn't coincidence. It was fate, written in the stars, played out in song. My heart was his. We were born to love each other, created to create our child, destined to know each other's souls and to be a part of them.

The life I had once known slipped from my fingers, the people I had once loved had turned away from me. I could have been afraid to love, could have hidden my heart. Looking up at Kevin though, his face ragged with pain for my pain, I knew I couldn't. I would love him forever just as I always had. The road ahead would be long and painful, but it would have a happy ending I prayed. I could hide or I could love. I chose to love. One of the best choices I've ever made.

We were going to hurt each other beyond reason. It was something I knew as I watched him sleep. He had never been a father, I had always been a mother. We would clash as parents and that would bring us to clash as lovers. He had always known family and love, I had been alone for so long. To love each other completely we would have to hurt each other. He would need to be my strength to face the road a head and I knew in my heart that he would be.

"Have I told you lately that I love you?" Kevin whispered in my ear as we stood in the airport getting ready to catch our flight home.

"Not in the last ten minutes. You're late," I teased, kissing the corner of his mouth.

His somber face turned up in a beautiful smile then as he pulled me tighter against him.

"My mother told me if I ever come home without you again she won't let me in. And that has nothing to do with whether or not Colt comes to," he said, blowing gently in my ear.

"You have such a beautiful family, Kevin. They were so wonderful to us. They love Colt so much. I can't tell you how much that means to me," I said, watching my son as he stood watching the planes on the runway.

"They love him because he's an amazing kid raised by an amazing woman. Have I thanked you yet for doing that all alone?" he asked, turning me so we were face to face.

"Don't thank me. It was my choice to love him so much," I pointed out.

"But it wasn't your choice to love him alone," he added, brushing my hair back from my face.

"Kevin, can you do me a favor? Can we pretend that my family didn't abandon me for pride for just a little while? It hurts all over again, Kevin, and I need time to heal again. Please," I begged.

"Oh, baby girl," he said, wrapping his arms around me again.

"Kevin," I warned, near tears all over again.

"Sorry, honey," he said, smiling at me as he kissed my cheek.

"Hey, Kevin. Have you thought about what you are going to say to the guys, to your management, to your fans?" I asked a little later as we sat on the plane.

"I'm going to tell them the truth. I'm going to get you and Colt home and then I'm going to go back to Orlando and talk to the guys, to management and then do a press conference to tell the world. I'm not hiding you or Colt, Hunter. Not now and not ever again. I promise," he said, squeezing my hand.

"What are you going to say though, Kevin? Are you going to go and tell all those little girls who adore you that at fourteen you had sex and became a father nine months later? Can you really do that to them?" I asked, thinking of all the little girls who would be hurt, would never understand, would make mistakes because of what we had done as kids.

"I know that they look up to me, I know I'm a role model for a lot of them, but I can't live my life for other people, Hunter. I come before the world, you come before the world, and most of all, Colt comes before the world. I love him, I love both of you. I won't hide that," he promised.

I fell silent then. They would hate him, they would hate my son, and they would hate me. I couldn't get those thoughts out of my head.

I suppose I could have just ignored them, I could have pretended that they world wasn't my responsibility but I knew there would be girls who would think sex was all right at an early age because of what Kevin and I had done. He and I still needed to talk. I needed him to understand, to explain to the world the consequences. They needed to know I had been alone, that Kevin hadn't known, that my child had just found his father. I was scared, not for myself but for Kevin. I hadn't to think of him hurt after all this was said and done.

Once we were home and settled back in Kevin and Colt took off for the court in the backyard to shoot hoops. I myself took off for Serena's to see if she and Nicky had survived their two weeks together.

"Nick," I heard Serena squeal as I stood on her front step a few minutes later.

"Come on, Serena. One more kiss. Please. I promise to be good. Just one more," Nick begged.

I almost didn't knock, afraid to ruin the moment I could over hear, but at the same time wanted to see them both. So I knocked.

"Shh. Go in there. Go, Nick. I don't want anyone to know you are here," she ordered from behind the door. I wondered if she knew how loud she really was.

A moment later the door swung open. "Hunter," Serena squealed, throwing her arms around me.

"Hey, CeCe," I answered, returning her hug. "I see you're still alive. How's my little man?"

"There is nothing little about that man," she said, smiling and winking.

"I heard that," Nick said, coming up behind her and kissing her neck.

"Well, well, well. I see you two survived just fine without me," I teased, smiling at the two.

"So far so good," Nick answered. He let go of Serena and engulfed me into his arms. "Welcome home, beautiful. We missed you. Well, I missed you at least."

"Hey," Serena, said, hitting his arm.

"I missed you guys too. More than I can tell you." I held on to Nick just a little longer than I should. I was afraid. Afraid that when he found out the truth he would hate me.

"What's wrong, Hunter?" Nick asked, looking down at me with concern in those beautiful blue eyes.

"Not a thing in the world, little man. Not a thing in the world," I lied. "You did not however warn me that Kevin's family was so wonderful."

"Pretty cool for southerners, huh?" he teased.

"Very funny, blondie. Let me come through the door and I'll tell you about my trip. Then I want the dirt on you two. Don't think I didn't notice you letting that vampire suck on your neck, Serena," I teased as we headed into the living room.

An hour later Nick took off to go see Kevin and Colt leaving Serena and I alone.

"So, how did they take the news?" she asked me.

"I still can't believe it when I think about it. They just opened their arms to him, Serena. They never hesitated to love him. They just accepted him. Ann was heartbroken that she had missed so much time with him and Jerald and Tim took him everywhere. It was amazing. They love him so much already."

"Hunter, that's great," she said, hugging me. "So what's wrong?"

"I'm still scared. Scared about the other guys, about his management, about the world. CeCe, I'm ruining his life," I cried, feeling the tears again. What was wrong with me? I hadn't cried in years till Kevin had reappeared in my life.

"No, midget. Don't you get it? You are giving him his life back. You've given him his son, his greatest gift. You're changing everything but you've changed it for the best. No matter what happens he would never give up you or Colt."

"I know, but I'm tearing about the world he has come to love so much," I tried to explain.

"And you're giving him a world he'll love that much more."

I watched the television screen with bated breath. Kevin was about to tell the world he had a son. I was terrified as I sat holding Colt's hand.

Brian, Nick, Howie, and A.J. had taken the news as quite a blow. Though they were incredibly happy for Kevin, Colt, and I they were equally worried about the outcome when he told the world. Their fears and concerns were out weighed by the knowledge that the boy they had all come to love was in fact their family. Colt had gotten one call after another from the guys. Just to talk to him, to tell him they loved him, to let him know that no matter what happened they would be there for him. My son now had more family then he had ever dreamed of having, both biologically and in his heart.

Even with all that love and support the two of us still sat waiting and watching the television as Kevin told the millions of fans that adored him that he had a son.

"I'd like to thank you all for coming. What I'm about to say will come as quite a shock to all of you. I know it knocked me off my feet when I found out, but I wouldn't have changed knowing for the world. I'm about to tell you about a boy who stole my heart, who has made me love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone. His name is Colt and he's twelve years old," Kevin began. Then went on to tell the story of how they had meet in my studio, why they had come here. He told the press of a woman who had stolen his every heartbeat and breath and he adored her.

Then, taking a deep breath, he looked directly at the cameras. "This boy who I will die for and who I will live the rest of my life for is my son."

I could hear the collective gasp of the press through the television. No one would have ever expected him to say that. Even knowing he would it still shocked me someone what. On that television he wasn't our Kevin. He was Kevin of the Backstreet Boys and he didn't have a son. Just my Kevin, Colt's Kevin was a father. It made sense yet it didn't.

He continued on, telling the story of our fateful meeting so long ago, how we hadn't known each other and had never seen each other again till now. He went on to stress that what he had done wasn't the right thing, he was too young, I had gotten hurt because of the choice we had made. He made sure that everyone watching understood the consequences of having sex too young. That Kevin became my Kevin and Colt and I loved him all the more then.

As he finished his statement he took a few questions. One reporter asked our names and if he had a picture.

"I've given you my son's name only because I know that someway, somehow you will get it. His mother's name is to remain undisclosed at this time. If you somehow find it out then so be it, but it will not be for me. As for a picture, my son has had a normal childhood for the last twelve years. I don't want to change that even as I know it already has with my statement. There will be no pictures at this time. I don't want cameras stalking him, reporters badgering him. I want him to know what life is outside of this fish bowl. I want him to know what it's like to make a mistake without the world judging him. I'm asking that of all of you now. Please, just let him grow up on his own," Kevin begged, his green eyes pleading with every man, woman, and child watching him at that moment.

"Mr. Richardson, as a role model to millions how to explain having sex at such a young age?" another reporter asked.

"How do I answer that? Do I tell you it was a mistake? I can't because this wonderful, beautiful, loving boy was created and though I've missed years with him I wouldn't give him up for anything. Do I tell you that what I did thirteen years ago was the right thing? I can't do that either. I was young, too young to be having sex. Because of what his mother and I did she suffered a great deal of pain and struggled alone, on the streets to survive and raise our son. I would give every moment of fame I've ever known to take back all the pain she suffered but I wouldn't give anything to take back the boy we created," he answered, smiling gently and I knew he was thinking of Colt.

I smiled at my son where he sat beaming next to me. He was so proud of his father at that moment. He understood him in ways he couldn't have imagined before. They were connected now, two halves of a whole. They belonged together.

"Kevin, do you two plan on getting married?" another asked.

"If I say yes she'll know I'm going to propose. If I say no it'll break her heart thinking I don't love her as much as I claim. So what I'm going to do is just smile and say next question. If you hear about an engagement in the near future you'll have your answer," he replied, grinning.

"Are Colt and his mother living with you?"

"Not at this moment. They have a home and a life that I'm just beginning to find a place in. We are all new at this and we are doing our best to find out how to make it all work. I won't ask them to give up their lives for me nor have they asked me to give up mine for them. Please understand. I've missed twelve years of my son's life. I'm a stranger to him. We have to have time to build the kind of relationship most fathers and sons have," he answered.

"Are you leaving the Backstreet Boys for domestic life, Kevin?"

"No, the guys and I are as strong as ever. There is no end in sight for the BSB. We plan to be around for a long, long time. Through wives and children and maybe grandchildren. You can't get rid of us that easily, folks. The BSB are forever."

"Are you all right?" Kevin asked me two nights later as I lay in bed alone with him hundreds of miles away in Orlando.

"I'm fine, Colt is fine. We are perfectly all right for now. I don't know how long that will last but for now we are fine. We miss you though. I miss you," I added softly, staring at the picture of he, Colt, and I that Jerald had taken of us in Kentucky.

It was odd and yet so beautiful. I never thought I would ever see that picture. Colt's parents standing side by side with him. It was unreal and yet as I listened to Kevin's voice and stared at that picture it never seemed more real.

"I miss you too, baby girl. I miss both of you," he answered, his voice as soft as mine.

"Where do we go from here, Kevin? Do you want us to come to Orlando, stay here, hide, face the light? I don't want Colt hurt but I don't know how to do any of this," I admitted.

"You give me one week to work some things out here, darlin', and I will have all the choices for you to choose from. We will get this figured out," he assured me.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

~~~~~~******~~~~~~

A week later

"Honey, I'm home!"

I looked up from the photograph I was developing at the sound of Kevin's voice and ran from the room. He was at the door holding Colt in his arms when I saw him. He smiled and held an arm out to me and I ran to him.

"I have missed you two so much," he said, holding us and kissing us both.

"Don't you ever leave me alone that long again," I warned, kissing him gently as I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks.

I had really missed him, missed him so much it hurt to think about now. He had become my heart. I loved him beyond words, beyond thought, beyond emotions. He was love to me. I didn't just love him, he was love. He was everything about love. He and Colt were love for me.

"Baby, I'm hoping that by the time tomorrow night is over I will never have to leave you again," Kevin said and I heard the tears in his voice.

"Don't you cry on me, Richardson. One of us has to be strong," I teased, wiping the tears from his cheek with a smile.

"Let Colt be strong," he answered, looking at our son who had stepped to the side. Colt was beaming as he watched us.

"What are you grinning at, young man?" I asked with a smile.

"Do you know how cool it is to see my parents together?" he answered.

"Pretty cool, huh?" Kevin asked.

"Pretty cool," I answered.

We headed into the living room and sat down, the three of us curled together as Kevin told us about management's reaction to his news and the responses he had already gotten from some of the fans. Management had been very upset as we expected. They had asked him to stay silent, to keep his son a secret. Kevin had refused and left them no chance to argue.

He had gotten a number of wonderful responses from fans he said and admitted to getting a few not so nice ones. Colt understood, he was a smart boy and knew the circumstances to his father's life.

Then he surprised us with the news that Nick was back in town at Serena's and that Colt would be spending tomorrow night with them.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I have a surprise for you as well and because Nick is crazy about my son and wants to hang out with him," Kevin answered, smiling at us..

"Cool. Nick rocks," Colt added. Kevin and I laughed.

The next night I stood in my bedroom getting ready. I stared at my reflection in deep concentration. I needed to look perfect. Kevin had an evening planned for us but refused to tell me anything about it.

I looked my dress up and down in the length of the mirror. Only two tiny straps around my neck, the back open and the length barely covering my backside held on the simple black dress. The dress had been a gift from Kevin left on my bed in a box with only a little note saying, "Wear me tonight." It was beautiful and elegant and yet nothing like anything I had ever worn before. Maybe in another lifetime, maybe if I hadn't been a mother at fifteen I would have had a chance to wear something like it before. But tonight was a first.

I curled my hair and tied it up in a loose but elegant ponytail and did my makeup. I felt like I was going to the prom, like I was living a life I had turned my back on to raise my son.

I closed my eyes and thought back to the first time I had seen Colt's face. That precious face scrunched up in a scream as I held in my arms in a hospital in Kentucky was the most beautiful face I had ever seen. He weighed eight pounds and nine ounces and was twenty-one inches long. Perfect in every since of the world with his ten fingers and his ten toes and his beautiful little nose he had gotten from his father.

I had been so along staring at his beautiful face. A face Kevin had missing watching change and grow into a young man. What would life have been like if Kevin had stood in that room marveling at the miracle that was Colt with me?

I shook my head free of thoughts that could never be real and headed out to the living room to get my shoes.

"I have died and gone to heaven because only angels can look that beautiful."

I gasped in surprise when I saw Kevin standing in the living room staring at me. "You surprised me," I answered, taking a deep breath.

"Shh, don't speak," he said, just watching me. I smiled and held my hand out to him. "I have never seen anyone or anything as beautiful as you. I don't want to touch you for fear you'll disappear."

"If you don't hold me I will disappear," I answered. He gently took my hand and pulled me to him.

"If I promise to hold you forever will you promise to never disappear?"

"I promise forever," I answered, leaning up and brushing my lips against his in a gentle kiss.

He smiled and, holding my hand, led me outside to a waiting limo. During the ride we never spoke, simply holding hands and touching. We were lost in our love for each other, a love separate from but a part of Colt.

When the limo stopped, Kevin helped me out and I stood surprised at what I saw. Kevin had rented out the most beautiful hall in the city for us had had it decorated with streaming lights that twinkled and sparkled like diamonds.

"Kevin, it's beautiful," I whispered.

"Everything is beautiful when it comes to you," he answered, leading me inside.

We spent the night dancing and falling deeper in love. The whole place was ours and we danced through every inch of it. He had dinner set up and we fed each other like two people so young and in love. We spent hours talking and laughing and getting lose in time. For the rest of my life I would remember that night as a single perfect memory that would never fade or be tarnished by anything else in life. It would always be beautiful, always shine in all its glory. Maybe more so when Kevin kneeled down in front of me.

"I love you more than a single heartbeat and more than forever. I love you more than the stars shine and more than the sun rises. I love you more than every breath I take and more than every moment of my life till the day I love. I will love you forever through life and death and a hundred lives from now. I will love you for as long as love exists and I want to spend every moment of the rest of my life with you," he said, looking up at me from bended knee. He pulled a velvet jeweler's box from his pocket and opened it to reveal the most beautiful sapphire and diamond ring I have ever seen. "Would you do me the honor of marrying me?"

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