I couldn't speak, couldn't form words. All I could do was love him with my entire being. I stood up and pulled him to his feet. I brushed my lips against his in the gentlest kiss and smiled.
"I take that as a yes?" he asked.
"If I could say it forever I would never be able to say it enough. Yes," I whispered against his lips again.
"Oh, baby girl," he moaned against my lips. "I love you."
"I love you, Kevin. Thank you so much."
"Why are you thanking me?"
"Don't you understand? You gave me a part of my heart, a part of myself I thought I had lost forever. You loved me before you knew who Colt was and you kept loving me. Thank you for that and thanking you for letting me love you," I said, staring into those green eyes I could have lost myself in forever.
"Thank you for letting me love you, for giving me not a part of my heart, but the whole thing."
"I want to change Colt's name. I want him to have your name, Kevin," I admitted suddenly.
"No, honey. He's been a Deveraux all his life. I don't want him to change who he is," Kevin argued.
"He won't change, but it makes sense. He's your son, he should have your name. Especially if I'm going to have it too when we get married. Doesn't it sound beautiful? Colt Richardson."
"As beautiful as Hunter Richardson."
"Are we happy now, Kevin? Is this the part where the story tell writes 'And they lived happily ever after?'" I asked.
"Yeah, baby girl. This is our happily ever after," he promised.
And I believed him. I believed him because I wanted to. I wanted to believe that it would be that easy, that the road ahead would be smooth and we would never hurt again. I guess when you go years without love, without trust with another person you can very easily fall for the first person who gives you either one of those things.
I knew he loved me and I loved him. I didn't doubt that. I couldn't even if I wanted to. It was in his eyes, in his smile, in everything about him. But Kevin walked into my life, into Colt's after years of us being alone. He came to us after a lifetime of surviving on our own. No matter how much we loved him or he loved us he couldn't just fit in.
It's like joining a dance half way through the song. You've missed the beginning and it'll take a few beats for you to catch the steps before you can finish the song with everyone else. Kevin had missed the first half of our song and now he was learning the beats and steps to finish it with us.
The only problem was Kevin didn't realize how hard learning those steps were going to be. And the truth was Colt and I were learning the steps to Kevin's song and we didn't realize how hard it was going to be for us. If I could have any wish in the world for us, for our son it would have been that our songs could have melded together magically and the steps instant for us all.
You know, the man who wrote "And they lived happily ever after" never really loved. Do you know what real love is? Real love is knowing no matter how hard it gets, no matter how much you get hurt, no matter how tired life makes you when all is said and done you are still standing side by side. Real love is knowing that for every moment you hurt you are loved twice as much. Happily ever after isn't smiles and perfect endings. Happily ever after is getting through life with your love still strong. Kevin, Colt, and I were about to find out just how strong our love really was.
The next two months went by fairly slowly and quietly. No one had yet to find out who Colt and I really were and I was hoping it would stay that way for a while. Unfortunately I didn't get my wish.
"Mom," Colt called out one day as he came in.
"In the studio, kiddo," I answered.
"The coolest thing happened to me today, Mom," he babbled as he walked back.
"What?" I asked, smiling up at him.
"This reporter came up to me asking me if I was Kevin's son. I got recognized," he gushed, grinning.
My heart dropped out of my chest then. It had begun, our lives in Kevin's fish bowl. If one reporter had discovered who Colt was it was just a matter of time before the world knew. Everything had changed and now we were going to see how well we would survive it.
"Really, Colt? What did he ask you?" I asked calmly, not letting him hear in my voice my nervous fear.
"Not much, just how I liked having Kevin as a father, how much he was around, did I miss him growing up. Just some boring questions," Colt answered.
"Did he mention what paper he was from?"
"Nah, I didn't think to ask either. Guess we'll find out soon enough. It's that cool, Mom. I'm famous now," he said, smiling as he walked out of the room.
Yes, he was famous now but he had forgotten everything I had told him. His initial joy at being spotted would soon fade and give way to anger at being followed, stalked by cameras and reporters wanting to dissect the life he was living. Colt had no idea what he had done and yet I couldn't blame him for wanting a glimpse of his father's glory.
A day and a half later Kevin stormed into my house. "Hunter, Colt," he yelled from the front hall.
I stepped out of my office at the same time Colt came out of his room. Neither one of us made any more to go near Kevin though. We just stood back and stared at the angry man.
"Do you have any idea what you have done?" he demanded and I wasn't sure who he was talking to, Colt or I.
"What are you talking about, Kevin? What's wrong?" I asked, edging closer to Colt in a mother's instinctive need to protect.
"I'm talking about Colt doing an interview with a reporter from the National Enquirer," Kevin yelled.
I flinched at the sound of his voice, angry, hard, so unlike that of the man I loved.
"Colt hasn't done any interviews, Kevin. I would know if he had," I explained, wrapping an arm around Colt's shoulders.
"Well he did," Kevin argued, throwing the paper at my feet."
I stooped down and picked it up to skim the article about my son and his father. It had Colt quoted as saying his father had chosen the Backstreet Boys instead of his mother thirteen years ago.
"Why did you say this?" I asked Colt.
"I didn't mean it like that. I meant Kevin took a path that led him to the group instead of the one that kept him with you, with us," Colt tried to explain.
He was only a boy, wrapped up in the life his father had suddenly thrust him into. I understood what had happened. My son's words had been twisted, misinterpreted by a greedy reporter out to hurt people.
"Kevin, he didn't mean for it to sound like that. His words were twisted," I tried to soothe, but Kevin wouldn't allow it.
"He didn't mean to but every newspaper in the country has caught this story. Management is having a fit and the record company is going crazy. He made it sound like I knew about the two of you and walked away," Kevin yelled. "What the hell were you thinking, Colt? Are you trying to destroy me, to ruin my career? Is this revenge because I wasn't around?" he demanded, advancing on my son.
"Kevin, he didn't mean to," I repeated, pushing Colt behind me in fear.
And I was afraid. This was not the man I loved, this was not the man who wanted to be the father his son had longed for. This was no Kevin. But it was, I realized. This was the real Kevin, the part of him he had never shown me before. This was the part of him that scared me, that scared Colt, who I felt gripping my hand tightly.
"He should have just rented a billboard that said 'Kevin Richardson ditched me,' Hunter," Kevin yelled, his kind green eyes blazing fire and anger.
"He's a boy, Kevin," I screamed back.
"Bullshit! He's old enough to know what he did. He's not that stupid," Kevin countered, moving closer to us.
"Don't you take another step," I warned, my voice low, no longer filled with fear. It was a voice filled with anger, with a threat as yet unspoken.. The kind of tone every man fears because beneath the calm sound is a storm waiting to explode.
"Get out of my house," I ordered.
"I'm not going anywhere," Kevin answered.
I turned and looked at Colt. "Listen to me. Go to your room and lock your door. Don't you open it for anything. Do you understand me?" I ordered Colt, my blue eyes locked with his. He nodded and bolted for his room, slamming the door behind him. When I heard the lock click into place I turned back to Kevin.
"What the hell did you do that for? I'm not done with him," Kevin said, his voice still filled with anger.
"That's where you are wrong. You're finished with my son. You will get out of my house now and I don't ever want you in it again. Don't you come near me and don't you come near Colt. Ever again, do you hear me?" I demanded, advancing on him this time.
I shoved him back and I kept shoving him back till he was at the door. He was shocked. I don't know whether by my words, my actions or by the simple strength I had to physically move him. It is amazing what a mother's fear and love can make her do.
"You lied to me and you lied to my son. If I ever see you anywhere near either one of us again I will have a restraining order brought against you," I promised.
"What are you talking about, Hunter? I never lied to you," he argued.
"You promised to give us a chance, to let us learn how to live in your world. The first time Colt makes a mistake and you go crazy. That means you lied. You take your fake promises and you're empty words and you get the hell out of our lives. My son may have grown up without his father but he's a hell of a lot better off without you. He deserves so much more than you are willing to be and I won't let him settle for less. I told you he would hurt you. I warned you and you wouldn't listen. Now go away. Don't come near my son again."
"My son, our son," Kevin argued.
"My son," I corrected. "He's never been yours, you have no right to claim that precious miracle in there as yours. You don't deserve him. Don't come near him again, Kevin. I'm warning you. If you think he did damage to you with that single interview you have no idea what I can do," I threatened.
"Hunter," he began, his voice softening suddenly.
"Don't come near him again," I repeated. Then I took of the ring Kevin had given me the night he proposed and threw it in the yard. "Don't come near me again either."
With those words I slammed the door shut and locked it, chain and all. I walked back to Colt's room and knocked on the door gently.
"It's Mom," I called out.
"Is he gone?" Colt asked, opening the door.
I nodded and Colt wrapped his arms around me. We slid to the floor and let our tears fall. They fell for the love we had lost, the man we had trusted, and most of all for the choices made that would never let us be the same again.
"Mom?" Colt whispered a few hours later as we lay curled together on his bed.
"What's on your mind, kiddo?" I asked, brushing his hair.
"Do you think Kevin hates me?"
"Not a chance, Colton. I just think Kevin didn't realize exactly what he was doing when he exposed us to his world. Now he's not handling the consequences very well, but baby he could never hate you," I promised.
"Do you think he hates you?"
"He might. I said a lot of things he didn't want to hear, but they needed to be said. You will always be first in my life, Colt. No matter who comes and goes through it. You will always be first."
The ringing of the phone took me from his side for a moment as I walked into my office to answer it.
"Hello?"
"What in the hell did you do to Kevin?" Nick demanded.
"Excuse me?"
"He's locked himself in Serena's guest room and all I hear is him sobbing.. He won't come out, he won't talk to me, and you are the last person he saw. What did you do to him, Hunter?" Nick repeated, his voice angry and confused. I was angry and confused too though.
"What did I do to him? What did I do to him? Why don't you ask Kevin what the hell he did to my son? Ask him what he did to me and then ask him what he did to my family. Ask him who hurt who, Nick?" I yelled, slamming down the phone.
Kevin was hurt, Kevin was crying, Kevin was shutting himself off from the ones who cared about him. Well, to hell with Kevin. Kevin didn't know pain, Kevin didn't know loss. Not the way I knew it. He didn't know what it was like to survive without anyone to give a damn about you. He could make mistakes and know the people who loved him would always be there because he had and they had. Every thing I had ever done wrong in my life had been thrown back in my face.
I had trusted Kevin, not just with my love, but with my trust and with my son. He had made a mistake. He needed time to think about it, to realize what had gone wrong. He would come back, he would promise to make it up to us. I was hurt, I was wounded, but I still loved him. I always would and I knew he loved Colt and I regardless of his mistakes, regardless of my mistakes. And I had made plenty of mistakes.
My entire life had been wrapped around Colt. Every thought, every emotion, every action, every reaction was for him, about him. I hadn't done anything for myself in thirteen years. I hadn't wanted anything for myself in thirteen years. I gave up myself to this precious little boy and never for a moment regretted or doubted it. I still didn't but the more I thought about myself, my life in the last few years the more I started to realize things. Things like maybe wrapping my life so completely around my son wasn't the best thing for either one of us and maybe it wasn't the best thing for his father.
I had warned Kevin that he would get hurt in learning to be a father and I had warned Colt that he would get hurt in learning to accept his father. It never occurred to me that maybe I would get hurt in learning to accept Colt's father. I loved Kevin as a man, but deep down I resented him as my son's father.
He didn't have a choice in being part of Colt's childhood. He hadn't known about him. That was the logic. The emotion pointed out though that I had still been alone, that I had struggled without him, that he hadn't been there. For that I resented him because emotion knew no logic. It just felt and that was what I felt. I had struggled, had given up time from my baby, worked job after job, hired baby-sitter after baby-sitter, gone to class at night, and worn myself to the bone to raise my baby. Kevin had become a Backstreet Boy and Colt instantly loved him. It wasn't fair.
Life wasn't fair though. I knew that, it was a lesson I had learned years ago. Now it was time to accept it, but to do that I needed to do something else first.
It was time to face the past, to look it in the eye and let it know that I was no longer the girl brushed aside, I would never again be someone life could turn its back on. It was time to let go.
I yanked the ringing phone off its cradle. "Back off, Nick," I warned, not asking who it really was.
"Whoa, whoa, midget. Calm down," Serena soothed.
"CeCe," I breathed, relieved to hear her sweet voice. "I need a favor."
"Honey, why don't you tell me what happened first?" she asked.
"I gave up and I walked away. I need to do a few things and I need you to do something for me," I answered.
"Anything, honey."
"Take Colt for a few days. Just take care of him and keep Kevin away from him," I begged.
"Hunter, he's his father," Serena argued gently.
"Serena, I need you to do this for me. Just a few days. Kevin needs time and Colt needs time. Just give us a few days, Serena."
"All right. All right, but what are you going to do, Hunter?"
"Serena, you've been the only steady thing in my life since I left Louisville ten years ago. You've been the best kind of friend I could have ever asked for. I love you, CeCe."
"Hunter, you're scaring me," Serena answered, her voice shaking through the phone line.
"Don't be scared. I'll be fine, but I need to do this first. I'll never be okay till I do it," I said.
"Do what?"
"It's time to go back to Louisville. I've got about thirteen years worth of words to say to my parents."
Some things in life will never change, things like the house you grew up in. My childhood home looked exactly like it did the day I left. The big Oak in the front yard still held my tire swing, flowers lined the windowsills, and my father's beat up old Chevy was still parked in the driveway. It hadn't changed in thirteen years and I had a feeling neither had my parents.
Slowly I approached the door, my heart had stopped, I couldn't breathe. I knocked and waited.
My father looked tired and old when he answered the door. The gentle man I had loved was the man who stood before me. Until he recognized me and that gentle man became a stranger.
"Go away," he said trying to shut the door on me. I put my hand out and stopped him.
"Not this time, Daddy. This time I'm going to be the one to shut the door. When I've said what needs to be said," I added, pushing my way into a house where I had once been welcome. "Mom," I called out, knowing deep down that she would be in the living room where she always was.
"Hunter," my mother gasped when she saw me, standing up.
"Sit down, Mom. You too, Daddy," I ordered.
"I want you out of my house," he answered, his voice hard and angry like he had been the last time he told that to be years before.
"And I want you to stop acting like the world gives a damn whether or not your daughter was pregnant at fourteen. I'm not going to get what I want and you aren't going to get what you want. So sit down," I yelled, shoving him into the chair he had once held me in as a child.
I pulled my wallet from my bag and pulled free the photographs I carried in it. I smiled gently at the faces that look up at me from the thin sheets of paper. My family, my life.
"I don't care what you think of me anymore. The truth is you gave up any right to have an opinion of me when you cut me out of your lives. You turned your backs on me and you let me down," I began.
"You let us down," my father corrected.
"I made a mistake. I was young and stupid but you know what. That mistake was the best thing I could have ever done because it showed me that you didn't love me. You loved the image I gave you. And that mistake was the best thing to ever happen to me because it gave me the most beautiful thing in my life. I have this boy in my life that makes every single day since you left my life the most beautiful days I could ever hope for. He's beautiful and sweet and funny and he loves me. Despite my mistakes, regardless of my past he loves, loves me like I use to think you two loved me."
"We loved you, Hunter," my mother began.
"No you didn't. Not like you should have. You let me down, you threw me to the wolves. I was alone and scared and pregnant. I could have died out there but your damned pride meant more to you than my life, than my son's life. You see this face?" I asked, flashing Colt's picture at them. "This is life's most precious gift, this is the reason I don't hate you for what you did. This boy is becoming the kind of man you two used to want me to marry. This boy is popular and smart and respected by everyone who ever crosses his path. Above all of that he is loved and he loves with a part of himself neither of you could ever dream of having. He knows where he came from, he knows what I did, and he knows you didn't give a damn."
"You were a slut," my father interrupted, standing up and moving toward the window.
"Well congratulations, Daddy, because I was the girl you raised. The best part though is I raised this gorgeous boy to be everything you wanted me to be. The only difference is if he screws up, if he makes a mistake I'll still love him and respect him. I will never turn my back on my child the way you did. This face, this beautiful wonderful face that I see every single day of my life. You'll never see more than this picture of it. You'll never know how much he could have loved you. You'll never know how much he could have learned from you. You'll never know how much you gave up for your pride," I said, shaking my head as I stared at Colt's picture.
"By the way, I've become the most sought after photographer in the world and my son's father, the boy I never knew the name of? I'm going to marry him in two months. We found our way back to each other. We are going to be forever and we are going to finish raising our son together. So you can keep your judgmental attitude and you can keep your unforgiving hearts and you can keep your hateful thoughts. I have a child I can love and always be proud of and a man who will always be by my side even through the tough spots." I put Colt's picture back in my wallet and looked at the two people who had hurt me the most in my life.
"Thank you pushing me out because you gave me the best possible life I could have ever asked for. You think you were hurting me and you did but I'm so much stronger for the mistake you made. I'm going to go home now. Home to my son and to the man I love. I let you shadow my life far too long. Now I'm going to be the one to slam the door shut on this family."
With those words I walked towards the door then closed it firmly
behind
me. For the first time in years I took a deep breath and smiled with
freedom. My life finally belonged to me again. I had a lifetime of
choices
left to make. It was time to go home and let Kevin make a few of his
own.
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