I sat in front of my computer after Kale had left and stared at the screen. How was I going to tell the women I trusted with my heart and soul and secrets that the man we had all lusted after and joked about and simply loved from afar was a man I had intended to marry two year ago? And better yet, how did I tell them and expect them to believe me? I began to write.
My precious hootchie sisters,
You have been my lifeline throughout the last two years. I have come to all of you to share tears and joys, heartache and laughter. You have lifted me up when my spirit has fallen and simply made the bad days a little better in the end. I love each and every one of you so much yet I do not know the words to define it. You are my family and I hope that after I confess to you that you will still allow me to love you as much as I have come to.
Every one of you knows that I reside (resign) in New York now but am originally from Orlando. I grew up there, lived all the beautiful moments of my life there with a family I wasn't born to but loved me the moment they became a part of my life. I've had two mothers, two fathers, Angie sisters, a brother, and a man I love.
Paula and Hoke Dorough loved me the way every child deserves to be loved. Completely and totally, giving me a place in their hearts equal to that of their other children. Angie taught me how to put makeup on, to feel beautiful, Caroline taught me how to love with a place in me most people never know, Polly taught me that boys were a good thing, even Howie. John taught me how to believe in the people around me. Howie taught me to believe in falling in love. He made me fall in love with him.
And he broke my heart. Please understand why I never told you. Please forgive me. We hurt each other and we haven't spoke in two years. I moved on and past him and to tell you about him would have just hurt me more. I share this part of me now because of my return to Orlando. It's time to face my broken heart and the cause of it and because I know my hootchie sisters will be by my side when I face it. Please forgive me. I never meant to lie to any of you or hurt you. I'm sorry.
I signed the email as I always did. With Howie's signature Hugs, Kisses, and Cookies. The truth was it wasn't Howie's. It was mine, I had taught it to him when we were kids. I guess he simply never let it go.
There, I had confessed. Now all I had to do was wait and pray that my best friends understood the decision I had made, the price I had paid to lie to them. I hoped they would forgive me.
And with that thought in mind, I picked up the phone and made a call I didn't think I would ever make again.
"Talk," the masculine voice answered.
"Excuse me?" I shot back, taken off guard by the greeting.
"Talk," he repeated.
"Nick?"
"Yeah. Who is this?"
"Nick Carter, if you ever answer the phone like that I'm going to kick your ass. Who the hell raised you? You know better," I berated instead of answering his question.
"I'm sorry," he said, his voice low and mournful then. "Who is this?" he repeated.
"It's K.C., goldie locks," I answered, using the old nickname I had for him.
"K.C.? K.C. James?" he asked.
"The one and only."
"How the hell have you been, outlaw?" he asked, laughing. That stupid nickname. He had come up with that after learning my sister's name was Jessi James. As dumb as it was I loved him all the more for using it. Nick had always been a good kid.
"Shit, I'm living in New York now, Nicky boy. How the hell do you think I am?" I teased, laughing.
"Honey, it sure is good to hear your voice. I've missed you. We all have," he added. Then softly continued with, "Howie's missed you too."
"I'm sure. Look, Nick, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I'm going to the Lupus fundraiser. I don't want Howie to know or any of the other guys. I just know you're a spaz and would have flipped out if you saw me," I said, laughing.
"Hey, be nice, woman," he answered, laughing as well.
"How are you, kid? You surviving?" I asked, picking up a picture I had of myself and the five men who called themselves the Backstreet Boys. It had been taken just before the beginning of the 1998 tour. Just before life had started to fall apart for all of us.
"It's better then it was before. Things are on the right track for once. Our music has become our music, K.C. We have so much more control. We suffered a lot to get here though. Good thing you cut and run when you did," he said.
I didn't know what to say, how to act. I watched the phone slip from my hand and fall to the floor but made no move to pick it up. How could he? How could he say that to me, accuse me of that? Was that how he saw it? Was that how all of the guys saw it? Was that how Howie saw it? I was the one who had left, who had run away?
I hung the phone up without saying anything else to Nick and called Jessi.
"Hello?" she answered.
"Do you think I left Howie?" I asked the moment she answered.
"What are you talking about?"
"Answer me, Jessi. Do you think I was the one who walked away from Howie and not the other way around?"
"K.C., you two walked away from each other. You broke each other's hearts. Neither one of you made any effort to save your relationship. You let each other go," she explained.
"You really think that?"
"K.C., did you ever call him after Caroline's death and ask him why he left?" she asked softly.
"He left for the tour, Jessi."
"Did you ask him why he chose the tour over you?"
I never asked him anything. I never spoke to him again after he got on that plane. I couldn't understand why he would leave and I never asked him why. I just let him get on that plane then I got on one for New York.
"How could you not tell me you knew Sweet D?"
"Kim Ann," I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard her sweet voice on the other end of the line.
"Yes. The original Howie hootchie, the woman who has lusted after that man since the moment I laid eyes on him. How could you not tell me?" she demanded.
"Do you hate me?" I asked.
"Yeah, I hate you, my best friend, my sister. I hate the woman who's been by my side for two years no matter how bad things have gotten. I hate you because you were too hurt to tell me you knew our Howie. Come on, K.C.," she complained. I laughed in relief.
"Have I mentioned I love you?"
"Doesn't everyone," she teased. "So why didn't you tell us?" she asked, her voice becoming serious.
"I was hurt, I wanted to block the pain out, to forget what he had done to me. I could lust have Howie D. He wasn't my Howie and no matter what I still loved their music. I always had and I always would. When I looked at the pictures and the posters, watched the interviews he was different and I could swoon over him," I admitted.
"So what happened between you two? Do you want to tell me or do you want me to mind my own business?" she asked.
"Not tell one of my favorite Canadians about my relationship with the man of her dreams? Ha," I teased, laughing.
"Smartass," she mumbled and I heard the smile in her voice.
"I took Caroline's death very hard. It pretty much tore me apart. I needed Howie to tell me it was going to be all right again, that we would survive, and that she was in a better place. Instead he left for the tour in South America. No explanation, no excuses. He just said he had to go and he left," I said, feeling the heartache that had never quite faded from two years ago.
"Did he ever call, try and explain?" Kim Ann asked.
"Once, but by then I had already packed my shit and moved to New York. I got the message through Jessi and Angie. All he said was he didn't have choice," I answered.
"Do you think he had one?"
"Didn't he? Contract or no contract we were his family. We needed him more than the Backstreet Boys did. He chose them over us, Kim Ann."
"If you could go back in time and do it again would you still have left, K.C.?" she asked.
"I don't know. Probably, but maybe not. Maybe I would have forced him to stay, maybe I would have fought for him more," I admitted.
"How do you feel about him now?"
"I don't know. I know he's not my How anymore."
"Your How?" Kim Ann teased, her voice drifting her laughter to me across a country's border.
"Yeah, my How. That's what I called him when we were kids. The world got D, I had How," I laughed.
"So if he's not your How anymore who is he?"
"He's Howie D of the Backstreet Boys. He's a star, he's famous. He's a step above the boy I loved."
"But he's not a man you could learn to love?"
Thirty-five emails from various hootchies later I sat at my computer once again. They teased, they joked, they called me a traitor and they offered me their condolences not just for the loss of Caroline but for the loss of Howie. Then they teased me about the other guys. Crissy asked if I could help her make Nick a man, Sarah asked if maybe I could slip her Kevin's number, Marissa suggested I could sneak her into Brian's, and so on and so forth. By the time I signed off again I was laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face. Thank God for hootchies.
Kale and I had made plans to meet up with the other girls once in Florida, hotel reservations were made, cars were rented, and wardrobes planned. We were ready to go except for one small detail. I needed a dress for the fundraiser dinner.
I was going to stand face to face with the man I was to marry two years ago. I needed a dress that would stop him in his tracks. A dress that would make his head spin and his heart pound. I wanted him to notice instantly what he had walked away from when he had walked on to that plane.
It took shopping for seven straight days to find the right dress, the dress that would make is so Howie could never forget me again.
"What do you think?" I asked Kale as I spun around in front of her.
"I think you might kill the man when he sees you in that," she answered..
"Good, Howie Dorough will never walk away from me again."
I dug through my closet shoving boxes, shoes, and other various objects out of my way as I searched. Searched for physical reminders of a past I had almost forgotten. Suddenly my hands rested on the object I sought. I pulled the chest free of the closet and sat down on my bedroom floor.
I slipped the chain around my neck free of my shirt and unclasped it. Dangling from it was a gold key and I slowly unlocked the chest. Opening it was like opening the floodgates of my memories. They rushed at me so fast I had to blink to focus on the present, to focus on the chest.
I lifted out the first object, a pair of dance shoes Howie had taught me to salsa in. The second, a program from his first theater production. A dried rose that marked our first date, a ticket stub from our first movie, and a photo of us taken on prom night followed it.
Then finally I saw it. Beneath a thousand other memories I saw the box that had danced around the edges of my memories for two years. I pulled it free and stood to place it on the bed.
I stared at the box, tracing the edges with my fingertips. The white of it was just beginning to show signs of the slightest hint of yellow. This box, this single box held my most painful and precious memory. Yet it wasn't really a memory. Just a dream Howie had let die when he walked away from me.
Gently, I opened the box, as if afraid it would crumble in my hands. Then I felt the lack of air, the stopping of my heart, and the disappearance of time. I died all over again.
I lifted the beautiful silk and lace wedding dress from the box and held I against me. It wasn't just any wedding dress. It was my wedding dress, the dress I was supposed to wear the day I married Howie. It was a dress Caroline and I had made together with love and dreams.
I must have made twenty trips to North Carolina to work on my dress with Caroline. A week here, a weekend there, any time I could sneak away. I loved time away with Cari as I often teased her with. She was years my senior but she was the best friend I could have ever asked for. She was going to stand by my side the day I got married as I had stood by her's. When I decided to make my own gown I could think of no one else I wanted to help me more than Caroline. It was the last thing we did together before she began to lose her fight against lupus.
Slipping the dress on, I stared at myself in the mirror. The happy bride I should have been had become a woman lost to broken dreams and shattered hearts. I would never wear that dress in front of family and friends, in front of the man I loved. I was never going to get to wear it when I promised my soul mate forever. I was never going to give it to my daughter. My daughter that would have had her father's big brown eyes
I screamed and spun away from the mirror. It I was a gentler soul to myself I would have burned the dress long ago. There was no point to it anymore. Howie and I were no more and I could never wear it to wed any other man. I should have just gotten rid of it.
I couldn't bear to though. It may have been a constant reminder of things that were no longer possible with Howie but it was also a piece of my history with Caroline and for that I would never part with the beautiful gown.
Slipping to a pile of silk and lace in the floor, I picked up the picture from the prom and stared at it.
"Oh, How. Where did we go wrong? We were so happy, we had survived so much. How did we lose it all the Backstreet Boys?" I whispered to the old photograph.
"My guess is you two were so wrapped up in your own grief you forgot the other one was in pain too."
I looked up to see my sister Jessi in the doorway.
"Remember she was his sister, K.C. Pain makes you do strange things. He went off to tour. You moved to New York. You both bolted," Jessi pointed out
"Do you think he ever missed me, Jessi?" I asked her.
"I think he still does. I think he still loves you. As much as you still love him."
"I don't love him anymore," I argued, standing up.
"Then why does it still hurt? Why do you carry around that kind of pain if you don't? Why are you going through a chest full of loving memories and wearing your wedding dress if your heart doesn't still beat for Howie Dorough?"
"And even if it did? What difference does it make anymore? His life is with the BSB, traveling the world, calling Orlando home. My life is here in New York," I said, replacing the things in the chest.
"Your life is wherever your heart is. If your heart is in Orlando then there is your life."
"Can I ask you something, Jessi?"
"What's that?"
"If you had all the answers why did you let me come with you to New York."
"Because little sister when your heart is broken nothing the rest of the world says or does makes any sense," she said, smiling as she left.
"Are you all right?" Kale asked me.
I turned to look at her with fear filled eyes. "I'm on a plane to Orlando to see a man who walked out on me for the first time in two years. I'm thousands of feet off the ground. There is nothing but this piece of tin holding me up. Do you think I'm all right?" I snapped, clutching the armrest in fear.
"K.C. James, you're afraid of heights," she stated more than asked.
"No shit, Kale," I answered, glaring at her where she sat next to me wearing a goofy grin.
"Why haven't you ever told me that?"
"Because I've never told anyone except Howie and Brian."
"Why Brian?"
I looked at her as if silently saying "You're kidding me, right?"
"Oh right."
"The man used to be terrified of heights. Probably still is. I use to think if I shared my fear with him that it would make him feel a little better. We use to sit together on the flight holding hands then laughing at how terrified we were. Use to work wonders," I said, smiling as my mind drifted back and I loosened my grip in the armrests.
"Do you miss that?" Kale asked.
"Miss what?"
"Being part of that. Being part of their lives, of that family?"
"Sometimes. I miss it when I hear about Brian getting engaged or when I heard Kevin got married. That broke my heart but I didn't tell the hootchies because I didn't know how to explain it without admitting to Howie. How did I tell all of you that I felt lost and hurt that a man who had been one of my closest friends got married without me there?"
Kale reached out and touched my hand. She smiled gently and winked. "No doubt they think about you too. Maybe Kevin didn't have any idea where you went," she suggested.
I knew she was trying to ease my heart but the truth was we both knew that if Kevin wanted me at his wedding he could have easily called Jessi or had Pollyanna call her. He just didn't want me there. I was no longer part of the Backstreet family. I had let them go. I had walked away from all of them because Howie had walked away from me for all of them. Why do we hurt ourselves so much more in an attempt to hurt the ones who hurt us?
~~~~~~******~~~~~~
"Hootchie hotline," I answered my cell phone two hours later as Kale and I unpacked in our hotel room. I heard her laugh from behind me and grinned at my greeting.
"I'm trying to reach a Howie Hootchie. Is there one available?"
"You're in luck. You're talking to one but I only talk to Nick hootchies," I answered, trying not to laugh.
"Perfect. I am the original Nick hootchie, girl."
"Crissy, where the hell are you?" I finally demanded, laughing at the woman on the other end of the line.
"I'm outside of your hotel. But that's pointless without a room number," she answered.
"2092. Kale and I will be out in five seconds," I said, slipping my feet back into my shoes.
"See you in four," she answered before hanging up.
Kale grabbed her camera as I ran a brush through my hair and we headed for the door. A few seconds later I saw Crissy's car come around the corner and she and Sarah started waving frantically from inside the vehicle.
A moment later they had stopped and we were all hugging and laughing.
"Girl, you look great. I love your hair," I said to Sarah, admiring her new 'do.
"Thanks. You two look amazing as always," she answered.
"As a hootchie always should. Crissy, honey I have to see the tag," I demanded, circling her car to see the infamous license plate she had.
I died laughing when I saw it. BSB NH1, Backstreet Boys Nick Hootchie #1.
"I love it," I gushed, laughing. "I have to get me one of those."
"Every hootchie should have one," she added, laughing.
"So what do you ladies say. Should we get some breakfast then stalk some Backstreet Boys?" Kale suggested, smiling.
"Sounds like hell," I answered, grinning. "Let's go."
Before I knew it was I standing in line the next night to enter the club where the Benefit was being held. I looked down at my dress again and studied it.
The strapless dress with the open back held together by thin laces clung to my body, molding in all the right places before flaring out slightly at the body. The sheer wrap draped my shoulders in an effort to give the very revealing dress some cover. The stunning white was a perfect contrast to my waves of red hair that spilled down my back. If I had been any other woman I would have said I was beautiful. But I was me and I was too nervous to be any thing other than that.
"Are you all right?" Melissa asked, touching my shoulder.
"Not really," I admitted to her with a smile. "I'll be all right. Just a little nervous."
"You should be. I hear O-Town is making an appearance tonight," Lisa teased, smiling.
"Oh my God. I love Erik," I gushed, feeling a little more relaxed. Thank goodness for hootchies.
"There's Pollyanna," someone behind me suddenly yelled and I found myself craning to see her.
She looked beautiful and happy. It was the first time I had really seen her in two years and she looked wonderful as she skimmed the crowd taking pictures and signing autographs. Her dream was coming true I realized. She had an album coming out and the world was starting to hear her. I choked back a sob at all I had missed in her life in the last two years.
"There's Howie," Sammie whispered.
This time I did the opposite. Instead of craning my neck to see him I stepped back trying to blend more into the crowd. I knew there was little chance of him seeing me out there but I still didn't want to take the chance. I heard the screams and the cameras flashing and knew Howie was being the sweetheart the fans thought he was signing autographs and posing for pictures.
I peeked out from behind Lisa and saw him just a few feet away smiling and looking as if the world lay in the palm of his hands. I suppose it did though.
"Ready?" Kale asked as they opened the rope to let the VIP in.
"No, but there is no turning back now," I answered, smiling.
Moments later we were inside The Groove and working our way upstairs. We were given the pink bands to signify that we were VIP then moved to the bar.. I needed a drink to work up my courage.
"Thank you so much for coming," I heard a sweet voice to my left saying and turned around when I recognized it.
"Momma," I whispered. Paula Dorough stood talking to another guest and all I could do was watch her.
She was the woman who had raised me. She had loved me and nurtured me and been a part of every important moment in my life. She was my mother in every way that ever mattered to me.
"Momma D! Let's go say hi," Jill said, giving my arm a tug.
"No, I can't," I said, pulling back.
"K.C.," Kale called out, but I ignored her and headed to the bathrooms. I needed a moment.
It was all so much. Polly, Howie, Momma. I knew Poppa would be there and Angie and John. My family was going to surround me and the only thing I could think of was running for the door.
"Two years and you won't even say hello."
I spun at the sound of the gentle voice and found myself staring into Paula's dark eyes.
"Hi, Momma," I whispered. I was afraid to speak, afraid if I said too much I would break down in tears and I still had no idea how she felt about me anymore.
"You look beautiful. As beautiful as you always have been."
"Momma," I began but the words wouldn't come.
"Don't cry, K.C. It's a waste of tears to cry for things that have come and gone and can't be changed," she soothed with a tiny smile.
"I'm sorry."
"So am I. I'm sorry Caroline's death hurt you so much and I'm sorry Howie's choice hurt you so much. Most of all though I'm sorry you cut yourself off from the whole family because of my son."
"I couldn't be a part of your family anymore, Momma. I couldn't be part of your lives, love you so much and be loved by you when Howie wasn't part of it. I'm so sorry," I repeated, reaching my hand out to her.
A moment later I was in her arms, a place that would always be home to me. She held me like the daughter I had once been to her and she soothed my soul just has she had always done.
"Has Howie seen you yet?" she asked, pulling back slightly.
"Not yet."
"Pollyanna, Angie, John, Hoke?" she asked.
I shook my head no. "I've been hiding. I saw Polly outside when she was coming in. Momma, she looks wonderful and so happy."
"Yes, she does and she is. Howie has helped her so much in making her dream come true."
"I always knew he would. He's crazy about her, about all of you. That's why I could never understand how he could just walk away after Caroline's funeral."
"You'll have to ask him about that after the show. You will see him won't you? We're going next door to the Latin Quarter after the show. Promise me you'll come?"
"I promise. If for no other reason than to see Poppa and the others," I promised, smiling at her. She squeezed my hand then left.
A few seconds later Kale came in.
"Are you all right? I saw Momma D come in here," she said, her eyes watching me closely.
"I'm fine. In fact, I don't think I've ever been better. Let's go find the hootchies and show these people how real women party," I said, slipping my arm through Kale's and heading for the door.
"There you are! We've been looking everywhere for you," Crissy said upon seeing us.
"I was talking to Momma D," I confessed, smiling.
"And?"
"They will be at the Latin Quarter after the show. She told me to
come
and of course I wouldn't dream of going without my hootchie sisters.
Now
come on ladies. Let's ditch this upper class tomb and head downstairs
for
the stage. I want to dance," I said, laughing as we headed towards the
stairs.
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